


How Long?

by MinxyOne93



Series: How Long? [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Wings, Angelic Grace Bonds (Supernatural), Angelic Grace Kink (Supernatural), Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Breathplay, But he copes with it, But they totally get a satisfying win over the homophobe, Canon Related, Castiel is Jack Kline's Parent, Castiel's Angelic Grace (Supernatural), Castiel's True Form (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Coming Out, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester is Jack Kline's Parent, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Dissociation, Dom/sub Undertones, Domestic Fluff, Drunk Castiel (Supernatural), Drunk Dean Winchester, Drunken Kissing, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester (Mentioned) - Freeform, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed Dean Winchester, Enthusiastic Consent, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Language, Fear of Abandonment, Fear of Rejection, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Happy Ending, Healing, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, John Winchester's A+ Parenting (mentioned), Light Angst, M/M, Mild emotional hurt/comfort, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panty Kink, Porn with Feelings, Porn with minimal Plot, Reckless Dean Winchester, References to Depression, Roleplay - light, Rough Sex, Smut, Soft Saileen, Spanking, Top/Bottom Versatile Castiel/Dean Winchester, True Form Sex (Supernatural), Wing Kink, dean winchester is kind of anxious in this one, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:27:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 141,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinxyOne93/pseuds/MinxyOne93
Summary: Dean has been going on reckless hunts by himself. Cas confronts him and all those years of unresolved pining come to a boiling point.______________________________________________"Dean. How long?" The angel said, still quiet but so raw with emotion, eyes still wide with shock.Dean looked down at the floor and sighed. "Since... always. I knew it for sure in Purgatory. But always." He then added in a near whisper, tears threatening to spill from behind his now closed eyelids, "I'm sorry, Cas.""Sorry? You're sorry?" Castiel felt dumbfounded. The constant loneliness and longing he had sensed from Dean that seemed to grow worse and worse with the passing of years made so much more sense now."Dean," was all Cas could say before releasing his grip on his collar and gently, slowly, deliberately, kissing the corner of his mouth. A shocked gasp left Dean’s mouth of its own accord and he melted into Castiel's tight embrace.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: How Long? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123583
Comments: 249
Kudos: 445





	1. Love is Patient, But I am Not

**Author's Note:**

> I'm also minxyone93 on tumblr (preferred) and occasionally I log onto twitter @DecoSubsalt. I love chatting with all of you, so feel free to drop by and send mssgs or asks. 🥰

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pining, passion, and wing stuff. ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a lighthearted fic. While it's not meant to be a coda/fix-it fic, I hope it can offer you some comfort. Please know that any angst I put them through is temporary for story progression, and will be resolved, hopefully in a way you will like. I'm not going to hurt these beloved characters anymore, they are, at some unidentified point, going to get some kind of happy, fulfilling, satisfying ending as they deserve to my best ability, but I'm really not an author so bear with me. 
> 
> I don't have any specific plans for this fic. I’m taking it one chapter at a time. I'm honestly just writing to heal/work through s15e18 (I love you Bobo Berens) through s15e20 (um, NO), and if you like this too, please come along with me and I'll try to post somewhat regularly. I don’t promise to be a perfect author, in fact, I would like to state directly, unambiguously - I am not a talented writer, I have never ever written fanfic of any kind before, and I know it is cringe CITY here at times. I know there are more talented writers on here, but I just want to share this and this is kind of my therapy. If you like it and it helps you, I welcome you! If you have any specific requests for future chapters, please leave a comment to let me know. Your kudos and comments make my day! <3 <3 <3

As soon as Dean clambers into the bunker after his nearly disastrous solo hunt, he stumbles exhausted into the kitchen and pours a glass of cheap whiskey. It's in the wee hours of the morning and Jack and Sam are still asleep. Still covered in the grime and blood of the monsters he'd just slain, Dean slams back his drink and pours another. Blood is still slowly trickling from a nick near his temple. But he just doesn't care. Lately, everything feels so pointless he doesn't care about much of anything. A steely cool numbness has settled into him. Trying to grapple with the meaning of life when life is meaningless gives him a headache and a feeling of dread in his chest. He has simply stopped trying to fight it. Knowing that the whole multiverse exists for nothing more than Chuck's scripted entertainment has thrown him into an existential depression. So here he was - battered and guzzling liquor after a purposefully reckless hunt he went on himself. Just to feel anything. Anything at all.

He finishes one glass and before the burn in his throat could dissipate, he pours another. Out of the corner of his eye, he realizes someone is behind him. 

"Hiya, Cas."

"Hello, Dean. Where were you?" Castiel's tone is flat. 

Dean snorts and takes a long pull off his drink. "Don't worry about it, _dad_ ," he snarks. "Everything is fine. I'm _fine_."

Cas sighs and tilts his head. He knows it was meant to be rude and a deflection, but he is unsure of why Dean called him ''dad''. He knows better than to let the human distract him with this. He is aware of the risks Dean has been taking. He is aware that Dean is _not_ fine. 

Dean turns back to his drink. Castiel makes an indignant sound and moves around the table so he can see Dean. He feels the longing Dean's soul is exuding. It claws at him, making it hard for Castiel to ignore. He feels the lonely emptiness - it is crying out and asking for help to fill it. Cas does not know what he can offer to fix this. But he does know that he desperately needs the righteous man to be whole and well. 

"Dean," he says softly, "I know what it feels like. I know the sadness and hopelessness you feel. The betrayal. I too have lived my life at Chuck's behest. For millennia. I know it hurts. I know it feels pointless. But it isn't. That's what he wants you to think. Dean, you can't put yourself in harm's way. You mustn't give up...please." 

He feels the very human sensation of a tear welling up against his will. He found that these things were happening more and more often. He knew his grace was not replenishing and would soon be gone. He wasn't sure if it would render him human again, or if he would just fizzle out of existence when the last of his grace dried up. He tried not to think about it, especially now as he reached two fingers up to the steadily oozing cut on Dean's head and healed it.

Instantly, Dean's face crumpled. "Dammit, Cas! Why'd you do that? Don't waste your fucking grace like that!" He sounded angry. But Cas could sense that he was not angry at all, but guilty and sad. Mostly guilty. 

Cas would normally argue with the hunter. But at this moment, he didn't feel compelled to argue. Instead, he sighed softly. He said so quietly, nearly a whisper, "It's not a waste. I didn't waste it.'' However quiet it was, he was so still and unwavering, blue eyes fixed on Dean. 

Dean felt a sickening twist in his stomach. He could sense there was something strange, something just… off about Castiel tonight. An unusual emotional vulnerability. It was partly touching to see how much the guy cared, but he also knew that these episodes of emotional openness Cas had been experiencing were - at least partially - due to the diminishing grace. It wasn't something they talked about much, but they both knew his grace was almost gone. 

They stood silent for a moment, holding each other's gaze. Cas' eyes searched deeply into the verdant depths of Dean's. The hunter wanted to say something to make the situation feel less significant - some joke or derision or a sarcastic remark or anything, _anything_ , but his exhausted and alcohol addled brain couldn't think of what to say. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

Cas filled the silence with a barely audible message. " _Please_ take better care of yourself, Dean. Please. I - well…" he paused, closing his eyes for a moment before continuing. "Please… please just do that, just take care of yourself. I…. Good night, Dean." Cas turned to walk away.

Dean walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. "Cas, wait -..."

Then he froze again as Cas' luminous blue eyes searched him, his brow furrowed quizzically. Cas waited a moment and turned back around. "Yes, Dean? What do you need?"

Suddenly, they were face to face. They were standing so, _so_ close to each other. Dean felt a warm tingling in his cheeks and he knew he must be blushing. He wanted to say something. Anything to change this situation. He wanted to make Cas happy. How could a flawed, human man like himself do that for an immortal wavelength of celestial intent? The seemingly monumental task of trying to find the right words to either fix the situation or downplay it again failed him. He was so tired. He was so hopeless. He was so insecure and confused. 

"Dean?" Cas said. He could feel a sudden shift in the hunter’s mood - the longing was so strong, and there was such fear and sadness that Cas almost felt it physically pulling him. He could feel the heartbeat of the righteous man as if it were his own, pounding in his ears. He felt the silent begging Dean was doing unconsciously. He could practically hear Dean's longing shouting at him to _stay, please stay_. 

"I… Cas… I, um…" Dean was so close to Cas he would swear he could count his eyelashes. His drunken brain must have taken another step - or stumble - closer to the angel without realizing it. This idea solidified when he realized Cas was grasping his forearm to support him. As Dean stalled, his mind went free-spinning into a complete panic and froze. Castiel cocked his head in that typical Cas way to indicate he was confused. But Dean's drowsy, whiskey addled mind thought he was tilting his head to angle in, to capture the intimacy he was so afraid of expressing, to absolve Dean of the need to _say_ anything and let them both just simply act on it. 

_Oh,_ Dean thought. _Oh._

Dean surrendered to the moment - the terribly misinterpreted moment - and leaned in, pressing his lips to Castiel's clumsily in a chaste kiss. At last, Dean thought of a word. _Finally,_ he sighed in a mental breath of pent-up tension and anxiety being lifted from him. 

The relief was short-lived. Castiel froze and his eyes shot open wide in shock. He was taken completely by surprise. He didn't move away, but he did not reciprocate. When Dean pulled away from his lips after what simultaneously felt like an eternity and yet a blink of an eye, Castiel couldn't wipe the shock away from his face.

The human felt a twisting horror strike him in his very core, realizing that Castiel had _not_ been inviting a kiss. Not at all. Dean began to panic. It didn't help that the room was spinning and all the whisky was churning in his stomach. He took a step back. "Oh fuck, Cas, oh god… I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. We can… I didn't mean - oh god, I am so sorry-"

In the midst of Dean taking another 3 steps backward until he hit the table as he prattled on, Cas instantly closed the distance and grasped Dean by the collar of his jacket, nearly lifting him from the floor. He got close enough that he could feel Dean's breath on his face. The hunter shuddered, thinking Castiel was about to beat the hell out of him.

"Dean. _How long?_ " The angel said, still quiet but so raw with emotion, eyes still wide with shock.

Dean looked down at the floor and sighed. "Since... always. I knew it for sure in Purgatory. But always." He then added in a near whisper, tears threatening to spill from behind his now closed eyelids, "I'm sorry, Cas."

"Sorry? You're sorry?" Castiel felt dumbfounded. The constant loneliness and longing he had sensed from Dean that seemed to grow worse and worse with the passing of years made so much more sense now. 

"Dean," was all Cas could say before releasing his grip on his collar and gently, slowly, deliberately, kissing the corner of his mouth. A shocked gasp left Dean’s mouth of its own accord and he melted into Castiel's tight embrace. 

Cas was trembling, though he wasn't sure if it was the lack of grace or the enormity of emotions he was feeling in such full force. Or, perhaps both. His arms were wrapped tightly around Dean. He wanted very much to kiss Dean or to say something, but he felt all at once a light giddy feeling that reminded him of flying in his chest and then again completely crushed by the amount of wasted time. For Cas, it was but a drop in the bucket of millennia, but knowing Dean is mortal, the idea that they had not truly seen each other over the years felt like cruelty. 

Dean felt Castiel trembling and he could only imagine the angel's thoughts were similar to his. Dean felt so overwhelmed. The tears that threatened him earlier came spilling out quietly but now from relief, shock, joy, and confusion instead of shame and rejection.

Finally, Dean whispered softly, voice trembling as a few errant tears splashed on Castiel's trench coat collar. 

"Cas. Cas, please. Please, I want to kiss you… Can I?"

Castiel leaned back and looked into his eyes. He tenderly swiped a tear away from Dean's face. Dean could see the shining threat of tears in Cas' eyes as well. Cas gave a lopsided, somewhat wistful grin and nodded.

Dean gently cupped Cas' face, as if this opportunity might crumble to dust if he didn't treat it delicately. He looked into Castiel's eyes for just a moment before softly closing his eyes and leaning in to capture the angel's sweet lips in a tender, passive kiss.

Castiel was more convinced of the reality of the situation though, and he snaked his fingers into Dean's hair and the other hand wrapped firmly around his lower back. Cas pressed his lips more firmly into Dean's and slipped his tongue cautiously into the crease between his whiskey and tear laced lips.

The kiss became intense and overwhelmingly passionate. Dean seemed to become more confident at this point, accepting Castiel's tongue and feeling the tension coiling low in his belly. Cas tasted like wildflower honey and summer rain and something intangible, deep and addictive that Dean could not place, nor did he care to try.

Soon they were gasping for breath and somehow at some point, Cas got Dean leaned against the table. Hands were roaming all over. They let out small gasps. There was a growing fire between them and then, Cas suddenly stopped. 

"Wait," he said. Cas let go of the man and stepped back, his brow furrowed and face serious. Dean's heart thudded violently from anxiety. 

"Cas, what - what's wrong?"

The angel doesn't answer immediately but instead touches Dean's forehead and closes his eyes. There's a peculiar cool feeling that flashes through his veins and clarity settles into his mind. Dean feels less dizzy and woozy suddenly. "There," Castiel says, "Now you're sober. I couldn't continue in good conscience if you were inebriated." Cas' brow knit into a concerned look. "With that said… how are you feeling?" He nervously looked at Dean, afraid that perhaps he would have second thoughts now that he was of sound mind.

Dean sighed at the use of grace, but immediately after he let out a light chuckle and drew Castiel in closely, placing a kiss on his jaw. Cas sighed in relief as well as pleasure, then Dean placed another kiss below his ear, then suckling little kisses and soft love bites down along the angel's neck to his collarbone. He gave Cas a cocky look. "I'm feeling pretty wonderful, Cas. How are you, hmm?" His voice was dripping with want.

Cas' nervousness had dissipated and he just chuckled at Dean and said "I feel... overjoyed." He put his hand on Dean's chest and hummed in contentment as he felt the steady, if increased, beat of his heart.

"I need you to be more careful. Because I need you." Cas said simply. He punctuated this with a meaningful, soul-searching look at Dean.

The hunter inhaled slowly and tightened his embrace with Cas, but didn't say anything immediately. After a moment he said, "I - okay... I'll try." Dean acquiesced with a sigh. Cas smiled at that, knowing it was the best he would get from the Winchester. He then mimicked the kisses Dean had given him on his jaw and neck slowly. He felt Dean's heart rate pick up, which made him happy. Curious and feeling a desire to see what else he could do to excite Dean, he gently yanked Dean's hair, making him expose his throat, and then Castiel slowly licked a stripe up from the top of his sternum to the hunter’s stubbled chin. That elicited a gasp from Dean - it might have been a little peculiar but it still felt amazing. He felt pretty sure that anything Cas would do at this point would feel amazing though. He flashed the angel a wicked grin. “Awesome,” he breathed.

Dean cupped the back of Cas' head and kissed him, slowly but hard. Cas pressed his body up close to Dean's and gasped lightly at the realization they were both hard. Dean ran his tongue along Cas' lower lip, then bit it. Cas whimpered as Dean slowly pulled away. 

"We can't stay in the kitchen. Come with me." Dean said and turned to go to his room, giggling like a teenager. Cas eagerly followed him and as soon as Dean shut the door and the lock clicked in place Castiel pinned him bodily to the door in a bruising kiss. Then he pinned the hunter’s arms back with angelic strength and yet was careful not to hurt him in the slightest. Dean succumbed to the feelings engulfing him, so warm and intoxicating and amazing. There was a security in Cas’ strength and the human simply reveled in it.

Cas may not be the most experienced kisser, but he was a quick and curious student. When he sucked on Dean's tongue he was surprised by the rumbling groan that the hunter made in response. Dean's hips bucked against him causing a hot burst of sensation from the friction against Cas' cock.

Dean rested his forehead on Castiel's. "I don't know how far you want this to go, Cas." He said it like a statement but the angel knew Dean well enough to be well aware that it was a question. "I will go wherever you will. I want to experience everything with you.' Cas said. "You mean it?" Dean smiled "But, um… I mean tonight. I'm pretty, um… fired up right now. But I don't want to do anything you to feel like we have to do anything you aren't ready for." Dean said softly. Cas looked into the soft jade eyes and said, "You want to know if I want intercourse tonight? Yes. Yes, I do," Cas said emphatically. Dean couldn't help but laugh at the way Castiel said it. Cas gave him a quizzical look but shrugged it off. "Do you? Want intercourse, that is?" Cas asked. Dean laughed again and then decided Cas might need a bit of coaching on pillow talk. He grabbed Cas and nibbled his earlobe, which earned him a soft moan. "Yeah, Cas. I want you. All of you. I...need you. Badly. So, so badly," He whispered, breathily in a low tone into his angel's ear. Cas shuddered at that and his breath hitched. The hunter felt a thrill of satisfaction at causing that reaction with his words. 

Cas felt the moment the dam on his steadily building frustration broke. There were too many layers between them and he couldn't tolerate it a moment longer. He began insistently peeling Dean's jacket off and furiously working on the buttons of his shirt. Dean giggled at Cas' inexperience and fervor but joined him by helping him shimmy out of the trenchcoat. 

"Oh, this is so…. Ugh." Cas said, exasperated and impatient. Suddenly they were naked. Dean gasped, partly from shock and partly from the sudden cool air on his hot skin. 

"Cas, you can't just waste your grace on stuff like that!" He scolded sharply. Cas growled, "I don't care." and sealed Dean's mouth with a searing, hard kiss. It was even more intense than before now that they were skin to skin. As their slick tongues explored each other’s mouths, Cas slotted his body against the man and was surprised at how nicely he fit with Dean. His curiosity and desire got the better of him as he pressed a warm palm firmly to Dean's aching cock, eliciting a groan and a buck of the hunter's hips against his firm hand. 

"Yes," Cas hissed, not sure why he was saying it but saying it anyway. 

"Cas…" Dean's voice was dark and deep. "Move, let's go to the bed. Please." 

Cas unpinned Dean from the door and followed him to the bed. Dean laid on top of the covers and beckoned Castiel to join him, which the angel did. 

"You asked me how long I knew, Cas. How long for you?" Dean asked, his eyes searching as his hands lightly rested on Castiel’s arm and chest as they lay facing one another.

Cas was silent for a time, lost in the moment. "I… well, when I gripped you tight and raised you from perdition,” He grinned slightly at the memory of their first meeting in that barn. So much had changed. “When I left the mark of my grip on you. Your soul, even there in hell, was so bright and beautiful."

"That long? Wow. We're a couple of dumbasses, huh?" Dean chuckled. Cas smiled softly. "I prefer the word 'oblivious'. Less dumb. Less ass." 

They locked into a more tender kiss that seemed to last forever. Slowly Dean traced Cas' lower lip with the tip of his tongue. Then, Dean let his hand trail down slowly across Cas' chest, down his stomach, and pauses low on Cas' abdomen. Cas' breath catches and he looks at Dean, who whispers "Can I?". Cas nods as Dean's hand snakes agonizingly slowly, slowly further down, and then finally gently wraps around his hard cock. Cas threw his head back and stifled a moan. "Ah, Dean!" 

"Mmm, no. Don't hold back from me now angel. The bunker has thick walls, you can make all the noise you want for me and they'll never hear." Dean growls as he swipes his thumb through the bead of precum on Cas' cock. 

Castiel mutters something in Enochian and moans, less inhibited this time. 

"Yes, that's it. That's what I want to hear," Dean says in a rumbling tone.

Cas wants to be a good lover. He has witnessed millennia of human sex acts, so he feels although he is inexperienced, he can still do well for his hunter. He tried to muster up the presence of mind amid the intense pleasure to grasp Dean's cock and pump in tandem. Immediately he could see why the man urged him to vocalize his pleasure freely - each gasp or moan Dean gave sent waves of pleasure rolling through Cas' body.

"Here - hold on," Dean said, flipping smoothly to be on top of Cas and reaching over him. Cas grumbled over the pause for a moment as Dean reached into his nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube. "I hear ya, I hear ya - but trust me, you'll like this." Dean gave him a roguish smirk as he lubed their cocks up and then grasped them together. "Here, put your hand here - together," Dean said. They rutted and bucked as they rubbed their cocks together, both moaning and writhing. Dean had been with a lot of different people over the years and done a lot of things, but somehow this seemed like the most intimate thing he'd ever done. He felt lost in those ocean blue eyes. He'd loved Castiel for so long, this felt so natural. He felt his body getting tense and he panted as he sped up. "Cas, ahh…. Are you close, sunshine?" 

"Y-yes, so close," Cas gritted out with a hiss. He was trying to keep his eyes open because he wanted to see Dean when he came. He was committing every freckle on his hunter to memory. He was enjoying Dean's body, but he was also transfixed by the pulsing glow and spiking intensity in the shine of his mate's soul. "Dean, you're gorgeous," he blurted a bit awkwardly. Dean grinned but whatever retort he planned to deliver was cut off by a deep groan when Cas bucked harder into their grip. 

"Oh god, Cas, I'm close." Cas felt a thrill of white-hot pleasure down his spine. "Yes, Dean!" He exclaimed.

" _Fuuuuuck_ , Cas." They both groan and pick up speed. Dean's brow is dotted with sweat and although Castiel doesn't need to breathe he finds himself panting in time with Dean nonetheless. Cas feeling the tension building, building, building, and searing through his veins, white-hot. "I - yes - Dean!" Castiel nearly shouts as he comes, dick pulsing and throwing thick white stripes onto them, and that is the thing that sends Dean careening over the edge into orgasmic bliss.

But in the same moment, the lightbulb in the lamp explodes in a shower of sparks and a gust of wind sends most of Dean's belongings flying. The air suddenly smelled of ozone and petrichor. As Dean's eyes adjust to the dark, and in spite of their mutual surprise, their dicks still twitching in their hands, he realizes the gust of wind wasn't wind at all - it was Cas' wings, now materialized. His mouth hangs agape in awe for a moment at the huge silhouette of the wings behind Cas, gorgeous and full of thick luscious plumage. 

Dean blinks a few times and hesitates for a moment. "Um… was that a good reaction, Cas?" Dean chuckles, still out of breath and sensitive.

"Ah...yes. Very good… So very good. I am sorry about your lamp. I didn't... expect that."

"I wish it was working. I want to see these wings," Dean lamented softly.

"Yes - wait, what? How did you know about my wings?" 

"I can see them, sorta, Cas. It's too dark to see much else, though."

"You can see them? And your eyes aren't burnt out?" Castiel asked, incredulous. 

"Um, no. Don't seem to be." Dean said dryly.

"I don't know why you can see them. I know they somewhat physically manifested themselves as I - well… you know. But they should not be visible to _you,_ even so."

Dean shrugged. "Well, they aren't burning my eyes out. Can I touch them?" He whispered in awe. 

Cas touched Dean's chest with a warm open palm, and just as quickly, they were cleaned up. "Now you can. I don't want anything… indecent...getting in my feathers," he said with a slight grimace at the thought. Dean frowned for a moment at the realization that Cas had used a lot of grace tonight. 

Dean's eyes were wide, trying to take in what little light they could. He realized suddenly that if the lightbulb was out, there should be no light at all- he was in an underground bunker. The soft glow in the room was coming from the feathers. It was barely perceptible, but even in low visibility, it was amazing. Dean got his face very close to the feathers near the top of Castiel's right wing for a better look. The wing twitched a little and the feathers raised up near his face. Cas giggled. "Ha, your breath tickles," he explained. Dean smiled. 

He was amazed. Here up close, in the soft, barely perceptible glow he could make out more detail. He thought the feathers were black or dark blue. There was an iridecence that gave them a rainbow-like shine. He could see some spots where the wings looked damaged - from the fall - but compared to the last time he saw the shadow of the wings, they seemed healthier. The glow seemed to slowly pulse and there seemed to be a nebulous quality about the vague light. “Awesome,” the hunter uttered in childlike glee.

He reached out slowly. "Tell me if I hurt you, or if you want me to stop at all," Dean said. Cas nodded. Dean gently pushed his finger into the neat rows of velvety, slick feathers near the top of Cas' wing. Dean gasped at the heat radiating from his wing, and how soft and light they felt. It was the softest thing he'd ever touched. He felt a thrill of energy rushing through his hand, then through his body. "Whoa! Cas, what was that?" Dean asked. Castiel looked bewildered and blissed out, just slightly shaking his head. Dean brushed his fingers through the long thick feathers near the bottom of the wing, tenderly and slowly, savoring the softness and the look in Cas' eyes.

"Oh, yes" Cas moaned, a raw sound from deep in his throat, stopping Dean's thoughts and sending them down another track. Dean felt his dick twitch, which surprised him a little since he'd just come. "You like that, Cas?" He whispered, his voice thick. "Yes, Dean, yes. Please," Cas growled out. "Please what?" Dean said mischievously, letting his fingers run slowly through the small feathers from the top of the wing, following the direction of the feathers all the way to the long primaries near the bottom. "Don't tease me," Castiel growled under his breath testily. Dean laughed, then started again from the top, even slower, holding Cas’ gaze with a wicked smirk. 

Cas groaned and slightly arched his back, then sighed. "Dean, just - I'm an angel, don't be tender. You cannot hurt - oh! -me," he said tersely, trying to be forceful, but his wings shaking slightly with the intensity of the sensation. Dean laughed again, and to tease him started carding his fingers through the feathers again, even more slowly, slowly, down. 

Castiel was tired of being teased. In a sudden move, he grasped Dean with angelic strength and flipped them, pinning Dean beneath him. He lowered his face right over Dean’s, not releasing the powerful grip on the righteous man’s shoulders at all.

"That's enough, Dean. You will do it firmly and like you mean it and stop antagonizing me. Now." Cas growled. Dean was surprised. And more than a little turned on. He swallowed hard. He narrowed his eyes and stared Cas down. "Make me, bitch," he snarked playfully. "I shall punish you if you do not… touch my wings immediately. And correctly." 

Dean chuckled. "Awh, you want me to pet you!" He said in a teasing tone. 

"Dean Winchester, never say I didn't warn you," Castiel said in a serious tone, then began tickling the man's ribs mercilessly. "You see," he explained, "I know you well," Dean squirmed and burst out in a peal of high pitched laughter. Cas continued, "And Sam told me many years ago you were terribly ticklish." Dean was laughing so hard he could barely breathe. "Sam's a lil bitch!" He shouted loudly, but it was hard to take it seriously because even though Cas paused for a moment so Dean could breathe he was still laughing. He tried to squirm away from Cas' assault on his ribs, but he couldn't seem to get out of his grip. Over time, Cas slowed down and the sharp tickles became tender, languid caressing motions over the hunter's body. Dean reached up and, bending to Cas' earlier demands, began stroking the angel's wings firmly and earnestly. Cas let his roaming fingers pause to pinch Dean's nipples, and then he leaned down to suck a delectable, dark mark on Dean's neck. He wanted the world to know Dean belonged to him.

Soon they were both moaning and beginning to thrust against one another again, both hard, both gasping for air and craving the touch of the other. They were slower and less frantic this time, taking time to carefully map each other's bodies and study each reaction, however minute. 

Dean could not get over Castiel’s incredible wings and the ecstatic feeling and buzzing energy that ran through him each time he made contact. It felt like a hot vibration that started in his hand and traveled through his body and settled in his heart. And it felt intimate. And it felt sensual. The way Cas threw his head back and moaned with each stroke through the feathers had Dean absolutely senseless with lust. 

Castiel was likewise lust-drunk on the sensation of someone touching his wings - this was unspeakably taboo and he would certainly need to talk to Dean about it at some point, but not right now. Right now Cas could barely string two thoughts together and he was lost in the sensations of his vessel. Partly because this was Dean, and he was always less guarded with him. And partly because his grace was not inhibiting his experience in the vessel at all. Everything felt deliciously raw and seductive and brilliantly intense. And every touch, breath, moan the man gave him only had him craving more. 

Suddenly Dean flipped them over so he was on top of the angel. Cas fussed a bit at the interruption but soon fell into shocked silence as Dean peppered wet kisses down his neck, chest, and abdomen. He paused to flash a tantalizing smile at Castiel, holding eye contact with him as he ducked his head lower and sinfully, slowly, licked a hot stripe up the angel's hard, leaking cock. The angel’s heart skipped a beat and a guttural noise he didn't mean to make tore it's way out of him as his head lolled back onto the bed. 

Dean let out a dark chuckle as he watched Cas succumb to the bodily sensations. Then he took Cas as deep as he could and sucked until his cheeks hollowed. Cas gasped and muttered a sinful string of Enochian as he dug his fingers into the bedclothes and panted. Dean was a little out of practice, but he was determined to make Cas' first blowjob incredible. He felt Cas throbbing in his mouth which was a delicious thought and it made him moan. Cas gasped at the vibration and spat out another phrase in Enochian. He groaned deeply and grabbed Dean's head. "Oh Dean, oh please," he chanted repeatedly as Dean picked up speed and found a rhythm. Dean pinned Cas' hips down after a while to keep him from fucking into his mouth and hummed admonishingly. He stroked his thumbs firmly over the jut of his angel's hip bones. Cas was gasping and writhing. Dean could tell he was getting close. He sped up just a bit and added a flick of his tongue at the top which quickly drove the angel mad. 

"Dean! I - oh!" Was all the warning he could give the hunter as he spilled into Dean's mouth. 

Dean could swear that Cas' wings glowed more brightly for a moment and Dean heard the familiar shrill noise of Cas' true angelic voice buzzing faintly in the underlying tone of his lover's shout as he came. Another gush of air burst through Dean's room, again strong with the scents of ozone and petrichor. 

After his senses returned, Cas looked at Dean who was patiently studying his lover. 

"So... what did you think?" He said with a sly grin.

Castiel was still tingling and with the energy of his release. His mind was utterly reeling. His mouth felt dry and his vessel was alight with a lingering glow of pleasure. "In all my existence... that was the single most intense sensation and emotion I think… I've ever felt," he said slowly with a wide, beaming smile. 

Dean laughed. "Are you going to make explosions or whatever every time, dude?"

Cas cast a sheepish look in Dean's direction. "Well, I… I hope not. I would like to find a way to control it." He said softly. Dean laid half on Cas and snuggled closer. "No offense, sunshine - and I'll take it as a compliment - but you seemed more out of control this time, not less."

Cas just gave a half-hearted shrug, feeling a bit embarrassed. "Well... with more practice... I'm optimistic I can control my reaction." Dean arched an eyebrow, looking up at Cas as he slowly stroked the feathers. "Hmm, you want to practice? How many times should we practice? How often do you think you need to practice to _really_ nail down the technique?" the hunter said with a wide, sly smile. Cas just chuckled lightly and threaded his fingers through Dean's soft blonde hair. 

Dean fell asleep like that, entwined with the angel, satisfied, secure. For once, Castiel couldn't feel the insatiable pain and longing from Dean. Just warmth and love. 


	2. Love is Kind, But I Don’t Deserve It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets nervous Cas is going to bail, but Cas goes the extra mile to make sure he knows that's not the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOO BOY if I thought I was an emotional wreck last week I'm not doing any better now, so here's another chapter to help me cope with all the crap we did not see in s15e19 that should have been there (although I'd still be an emotional wreck tbh). This chapter gets intimate and dirty, but there's a little bitty bit of angst and then a whole lot of fluff in there. Please let me know if you like it - kudos and especially comments mean the world to me! This is my first fic and I'm just kind of writing where the feeling takes me with very little planning (not my usual structure), so if it sucks please let me know (gently though, I'm fragile). Thank you for the kudos and comments so far - it really means so much to me! <3

Dean awoke in the morning with a yawn. He didn't think he'd slept that well since he was a child. He stretched and debated about whether or not to open his eyes. 

Then the memories flooded back. His eyes shot open. He noticed two things - Cas was not there, and his room was completely orderly, with nothing out of place at all. He threw on his clothes in a rush and came running out of his room, panic gripping his heart. His blood felt ice cold. 

_Please don't let me be dreaming, and if I’m not, please don't let him be upset,_ he thought to himself repeatedly in a feverish chant. He felt a cold weight in his chest.

As he crossed through the library, he ran into Sam. "Dean, what's wrong?" His brother asked after a moment of watching Dean look around. "Uh, nothing Sammy, nothing," Dean said absentmindedly. "Where's Cas?"

Sam gave him a look. "I don't know, maybe his room or with Jack? I haven't seen him,” and he turned back to his computer.

That did not assuage Dean's fears at all. He thanked Sam and then slid back into the hallway in his socks toward Jack's room. He may be panicking but he was still going to skate around in his socks like a child because it was fun. 

The door was open. Dean didn't see Cas as he peered around, but he could see that Jack had evidently been up all night because he was sitting on his neatly made bed watching a movie on his laptop.

"Hello! Good morning. Do you want to watch Star Wars with me, Dean?" The nephilim chirped. 

"Again? Uh, I dunno- have you seen Cas?"

Jack tilted his head. He looked so much like Cas when he did that. "No, I haven't. I thought he was with you?"

Dean blanched and was silent for a moment. "Why did you think that?" He asked quietly.

"Um, no reason. Just a hunch." Jack said awkwardly, eyes wide. 

Dean turned away slowly toward Cas' room, a bit more unsettled than when he started his search. He wondered if the bunker walls weren't as thick as he'd promised the angel last night after all. 

Dean approached the door, practically dizzy with anxiety. His heartbeat was thudding in his ears, the cold weight in his chest made it feel like he couldn't breathe, and he was breaking out in a cold sweat. He was totally unsure if he wanted Cas to be in his room or not after all as he slowly raised his arm to knock on the door, shaking the whole time. Before he could, the door swung open. "Dean, you're awake. What's wrong? You don't look well," Castiel said, looking at him quizzically. 

Dean felt suddenly giddy and light as he realized that Cas was still here - and not only that, so were the wings. If he could see the wings, it was all real. He wasn't imagining it. He wasn't dreaming it. 

He smiled at Cas brilliantly. "Uh …" he started, then pinched his arm to be sure before continuing, which earned him a classic Cas head tilt. "I'm good. I'm great. I'm … awesome, Cas. I just… I wanted to make sure you were doing awesome too." He said, trying to look the angel in the eye, but his eyes kept wandering to the magnificent black wings Cas had tucked tightly behind his back. 

Cas turned to look over his shoulder for a moment, presumably to try to see what Dean was looking at. "I'm well, very well… What is wrong with you? You're acting strangely. Let me take your temperature." Dean swatted Castiel's hand.

"I'm fine Cas. Stop it." He said, still smiling. He gestured to Castiel’s wings. "Will they always be here from now on, or have you just not zapped them to another plane or whatever angel mojo thing it is that you do?"

Cas looked at him, slightly concerned. "What?" He said, stunned. "My - you can still see my wings?" He asked, clearly surprised. 

"Uh, yeah." Dean shrugged.

"Hmm." Cas said. 

There was a moment of silence. It felt heavy. Dean didn't sense any intimacy or warmth from Cas this morning. The fear that had just washed away started to well up inside him anew.

"'Hmm'? Just 'hmm'? All that happened last night, all this with your… crazy cool wings, and just 'hmm'? That's all you have to say?" Dean said, beginning to feel defensive. 

_Please don't leave, Cas_ , he thought.

"I'm not going anywhere, Dean. I just didn't expect that. It's not typical. I'm not sure why you can see them, why it isn't harming you, or what that all means. And I don't know what you want me to say - I told you last night how I felt. I'll go anywhere with you. I want to experience everything. Please, stop. Everything is fine." Cas pleaded. 

Dean hesitated as he processed that. "I didn't say that."

"What?"

"I didn't say you were going to leave. I never said that." Dean says slowly, narrowing his eyes. 

"Well, no. But I felt the longing again - it had gone away last night but now it's back and I assumed that meant you were concerned." Cas said exasperated. He had no idea where the fear and distrust were coming from.

"The longing? What longing? Why don't you ever make any sense? Slow down." Dean said, equally frustrated. 

Cas put a hand on his forehead, pinching the bridge of his nose in vexation. "No, I don't need to slow down, you need to catch up,” he scolded, “I've told you multiple times, angels can sense longing. You had such deep, terrible longing before last night. It went away. You became nervous and the longing came back."

"So what you're saying is that you went all Jean Gray X-angel this whole time - this whole time, all these years, you knew and you didn't say anything?" Dean accused, crossing his arms.

"No! You asked me not to read your mind. So I didn't. I could still sense the longing. Just the longing and your feelings, but I didn't know they were for me,” Cas explained, feeling dread and wondering what happened. “And now you're angry. What's wrong with you?" Cas rattled off, frustrated with his human. Then a frightening thought occurred to him. "Do you… regret it?" Cas said, falling quiet, eyes wide.

"Cas, no. No! It's all I've wanted. I thought maybe…. You regretted it. I thought you wanted things to go back to like they were before," Dean said, a bit ashamed. He realized that he'd picked a fight over nothing. He knew it came from his own insecurities, but couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d almost - already - fucked it all up. 

Cas sighed. "You still have the same problems, Dean. One would think after all this time, you would have faith and that you'd know you deserved to be loved." 

He smiled a bit and cupped Dean's face in his hands. "Everything is fine. Tame your longing. You don't need to feel that anymore. I am already here, and I will stay here with you until you tell me to go away."

Dean sucked in a deep breath and barely managed to hold back the sudden tears threatening to spill out over his lashes. "Yeah, Cas? Really? Cuz I don't want you to ever go away."

"Dean. Yes. I love you." Cas said, equal parts tender and exasperated with the lack of understanding the human seemed to have.

The closest description to what happened after that is to say Dean malfunctioned. He opened his mouth several times and uttered small stutters of words in a near whisper. He knew, of course. Without saying those three little words, they had essentially told each other last night that they loved each other. But hearing it confirmed, aloud… he felt fear and joy surge through his veins. His eyes went wide and he became pale. Then a single tear went down his cheek. He was elated, and yet, fear surged through his veins, leaving him feeling cold and small. Dean could face any monster in the world, death, or even an apocalypse without issue, but three little words could tear down his world. 

"No, no. No fear. It's good to be loved, Dean. You deserve to be loved. Relax. Love does not always precede heartbreak. We don't have to talk about it more than you want to. I know it's difficult for you to process. But I needed to say it to you. I believe you needed to hear it," Cas said as he wiped the tear away. He stepped close and put his forehead on Dean's and embraced him.

Dean nodded, finally allowing a small smile to show. "You too. I - you know - that too." Dean spluttered awkwardly.

Cas chuckled. "It's okay, Dean. I know those words don't come to you easily. You find ways to say it without words. You can still tell me in those ways," Cas said slowly, looking deeply into Dean's eyes. 

The intimate embrace was interrupted by Sam clearing his throat. "Everything okay here, guys?"

Dean spun around to face his brother, blushing furiously. "Yes! Fine! I, uh… we, actually… um," he trailed off, then took a deep breath. 

"Dean and I -" Cas started to say, then Sam held up a hand to stop him and shook his head with a grin.

"You know what? I'm happy for you guys. It's been a long time coming. I was actually just coming to give you these, Cas. Might want to put them up." Sam winked and handed Cas a few loose pages and started to walk away.

"Wait a damn minute, Sammy - what do you mean 'long time coming'? Are you trying to say you knew before we knew?" Dean said, indignant all over again. 

Sam rolled his eyes and barked out a laugh. "Dean, everyone knew. Everyone." 

Dean began to flush furiously again, muttering “Fuck,” under his breath, and Castiel thumbed through the pages. 

"These are sigils," Cas said dryly, "for dampening sound and privacy." 

Dean just buried his face in his hands. “That explains Jack… ugh. This isn't how I would have told 'em."

"Jack? What about him?"

"Well, when I was looking for you he said he thought you were still with me. I asked him why he thought you were with me to begin with and he got all weird. I was worried that was why, but I hoped he hadn’t heard anything..." Dean said sheepishly, rubbing his face in his hands. 

Castiel's eyes widened and he nodded. "Well… it's not ideal,” was all he could say.

There was an awkward silence. "I'm not embarrassed of you," Dean said, "I just didn't want them to find out that way." 

Cas nodded solemnly. "I can't say it was on my mind last night, but it wasn't how I would have liked to tell them either. Especially not Jack. I understand."

Dean awkwardly grabbed at Cas' hand. Cas looked surprised and amused, but allowed the hunter to lace their fingers together. 

"Your hands are warm. And strong." Dean said. He felt so much more awkward today than he had last night. Maybe it was that he better knew how to communicate with his body than his words. Maybe it was the fear Cas would leave. Maybe it was hearing those three little words. But most likely, he told himself, it was that he felt like chickenshit for not being able to say it back. 

Cas sighed and pulled Dean close into a hug. "It's embarrassing, certainly. But your brother and Jack care about us. It will be fine," he said. 

"I know, I know, you're right," Dean answered, breathing in the comforting scent of his angel and tightening the embrace. “It’s not the end of the world. I mean, we’ve seen the end of the world a few times now, so if that’s what ended it, that would really be a win as far as I’m concerned anyway,” he said.

Suddenly, Dean thought of something. He pulled away from Cas and held up a finger, striking a nearly comical pose in response to his revelation, "Wait… that was weird, wasn't it? Sam didn't mention… wait here! I need to see something!" And he skated down the hall in his socks again.

Castiel just rolled his eyes. He’d spent more time with humanity than most angels, and yet he still found humans confusing and unpredictable.

A moment later he brought Sam back.

"Okay, look at him Sammy!" Dean said, gesturing to Cas impatiently.

"Um, yes, I see him. He looks the same as he did five minutes ago, Dean. What about him?" Sam asked, bemused.

"You don't see them?" 

Cas felt as though he was being examined like a zoo animal. He didn't like being suddenly under the microscope of scrutiny.

"His wings, Sammy! You don't see those huge wings?" Dean said, incredulous, using huge dramatic hand gestures as if it would help Sam.

"No, Dean, I just see Cas. Normal Cas." Sam said with a shrug.

"Dean -"

"That's crazy. They're awesome. They're big huge, glowy black wings! How come I can see them?"

Cas gave Dean a threatening look, but Dean continued on.

Sam gave him a look for a moment and shrugged. "Maybe because we didn't knock boots, I don't know," the younger Winchester scoffed.

"Dean -" Cas started to say, only to be cut off again. 

"You know what, you're not helpful, you just… you get out of here you big… dumb... moose." Dean said, shoving Sam a little bit. 

"I feel like maybe you should ask Cas about it, not me." Sam said, walking back into the library with a chuckle. 

Dean began muttering to himself.

Cas huffed an impatient sigh. "Dean."

"Huh? What?"

"Can you… come into my room? I think we should talk."

Dean stopped his preoccupied pacing and his head snapped toward Castiel. "Uh… yeah." He slowly walked into the room, casting a concerned look at Cas as he made his way past. Cas filed in behind him, gently closing the door.

"I'm not sure why you can see my wings." He said, looking at Dean, lips tight.

"Ookay, then why so serious?" Dean asked, confused. 

"I have a theory. Or… part of a theory. I'm not sure." Cas said.

Dean felt like he couldn't breathe. Cas was pacing a bit, looking at Dean with concern.

"Um, okay, out with it already. I'm getting nervous, Cas." Dean stated, making a beckoning motion with his hands.

Castiel sighed heavily. "Something is happening with my grace. You know it's been draining for some time now. But… since last night it's been feeling stronger. Actually, quite a bit stronger. I think… it has something to do with our… 'knocking boots' as Sam put it. I think it has some connection to you, to my grace. I think it's related to why you can see them."

"That's a good thing, though...right? So why do you seem worried? What's the deal? Spill it, Cas." Dean was anxious. 

Cas rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and shrugged. "I don't know if I even should be worried. It's just… the touching of wings... even among other angels is uncommon, taboo, in most instances. Of course, far, far more so with a human. I'm not sure what effects it might have on you. I'm not sure what's typical or not in this sort of... interaction. If I'm getting stronger, are you getting weaker? If my grace is improving does that mean I'm sapping something from you?" Cas wasn't really talking to Dean at this point, he was staring at the wall, talking and thinking out loud. 

"If you spent grace last night, how is it getting stronger?" The hunter asked him.

"I don't know. I'm just concerned about you."

Dean sighed. "No, I feel fine. Do… one of your angel mojo exams on me," he said, adding in a mutter, "I'll even let you take my temperature this time."

Cas looked him over carefully. Dean blushed a bit undert the angel's scrutiny. He put on a lot of bravado, but the hunter was actually rather shy. 

After a long while, Cas announced, "There is no detectable difference in you."

"So are we good then?" Dean said. 

Cas nodded. "For now. I will watch you closely."

"Oh," Dean said with an eyebrow wiggle, "Is that a threat or a promise?"

"You are incorrigible," Cas said, but his facade cracked and a grin slipped through at the end.

"I think I'm adorable," Dean smirks as he sauntered over to the angel. Cas simply raised an eyebrow at him. 

Dean grasps him in another hug. "I'm not so good with words, I know that. But I'm really glad what happened last night...well, _happened_. I've wanted this for so long, Cas," he said quietly.

The angel sighed and breathed in Dean's scent - musky, the smell of leather, and something subtle and sweet. He smelled like home. His arms felt like home. "I'm glad too. I still can't really believe it. I didn't know you felt the same. I didn't know that longing and pain… was for me. My only regret is that you suffered so long, so needlessly. You deserve better."

"You're getting all chick-flick on me," Dean chuckled. But Cas could hear the strain of emotion in his voice.

"Well, you started it," Castiel teased back. 

"C'mere, sunshine," Dean chuckled, and he cupped Cas' face and gave him a playful, tender kiss. He pulled away, but he was drawn back in when he opened his eyes and saw Cas' eyes, those incredible ocean eyes. And all those eyes saw was him. He dove back in, more passionate this time, but still slow and gentle. Dean revelled in the contrast of Cas' rough lips and soft tongue. He felt a warmth blooming in his chest. He never thought this could feel so familiar, so warm, so secure. They were less urgent now, both savoring the sensations, the emotions, the intimacy. They licked softly into each other's mouths, slowly, and Cas cinched his hands low on Dean's hips and drew them close. 

Dean broke away for air, gasping a bit. He forgot Cas would never need to stop to breathe. 

The angel took the opportunity to look into his hunter's eyes. He adored this man. He held Dean's gaze for a moment, then let his vision wander to Dean's soul. It thrummed with brilliant, pulsing light and coursing energy, bright white with rays of purple, pink, and blue occasionally flashing. It was lovelier than the northern lights. 

Dean chuckled. "Like what you see?" He asked, breaking Cas focus. "More than you know," Cas whispered with a wistful smile. "Awh, shucks, Cas. You're making me blush."

"I can do more than that," Cas said, voice gravelly. Dean inhaled a jagged breath. "But first, we should put up these sigils Sam gave us," Cas said, turning away and picking up the papers. He glanced over his shoulder. "I plan to hear all the beautiful sounds you have to offer me." He said in a low timbre that went straight to Dean's dick. 

"Uh-huh," Dean breathed out and eagerly took some of the pages from Castiel and they began their work. When they had sigils on all the walls and the door of Castiel's room, they moved to Dean's. 

A few moments later, Dean proclaimed "Aaaand done!" He beamed, proud of their work. "Are all of these really just for...um, noise?" He asked.

"Noise, privacy, and discretion. Essentially, yes. Various sigils that will keep our…. Activities… completely concealed from anyone outside the walls of the room." Castiel explained, stepping closer to Dean. "Not a sound…" the angel leaned in close to Dean, his nose brushing lightly against the hunter's. "Will escape. Just the two of us in total privacy."

Dean swallowed hard. _What the fuck? The guy is a quick study._

"Oh yeah, Cas?"

Cas brought a hand up to Dean's face, looking longingly at his lips, then caressing the righteous man's lower lip with his thumb. Then he looked Dean in the eyes. "Mmhmm," was all he said in a low, gravelly hum, eyes nearly closed as he closed the distance between them, slowly, finally. 

Dean couldn't help but moan into the kiss and press his body hard against Cas, delighting in the heat between them and the evident swell of Cas' cock pressed against him. Dean could feel his own responding in kind.

Cas didn't need to breathe strictly speaking, but something in his vessel couldn't help but mirror Dean's strained, irregular breathing patterns when they were together and passionate like this. Maybe it was that he was less focused and let his vessel take more of the control, he wasn't sure. But right now he and Dean were panting in unison and he couldn't care less why. 

Cas was tempted to “mojo” away the clothing again, but he had something else in mind. 

Instead, their hands began to roam as they fervently, ardently kissed and began to peel off layers of clothing, letting them pool on the floor, kissing and stroking and grinding the whole time. 

Once they were naked, Cas broke away and leaned back to appreciate the hunter's body. He knew it so well - after all, he stitched it back together for him perfectly when he raised Dean from hell. But to know it like this was nearly sacred. Cas committed every inch to memory. But more amazing still was how active his human's soul became when they were intimate, as if reaching toward him. Likewise, Cas felt as if his grace was reaching out to Dean. 

Dean felt a little bashful as Cas studied him hungrily, but he tried not to let it show. He studied Cas' form carefully as well. Dean had certainly had a few encounters with men over the years, but they were fast, messy, and impersonal. Blow jobs in bathrooms and seedy motels, just like everybody else. So with Cas, he was doubly intrigued and in awe - not only was he admiring his lover, but it gave him more time to admire the male form. He knew Cas wasn't male, technically, but Jimmy was and now that Jimmy was gone, well, Cas had a male vessel. He was struck by the jut of Cas' sharp hip bones, the strong, smooth muscles sliding beneath his tan skin. And of course, Dean couldn't help but blush as his eyes fell to Cas' hard, heavy cock. 

When Cas was done studying him, he looked up at Dean's face. They locked eyes. In a flash, Cas had him pinned down hard to the bed. "Holy fuck!" Dean cried in surprise.

Cas chuckled darkly, his wings twitching slightly and the feathers ruffling as he began to slowly kiss and nip down Dean's neck, pinning his lover's hands above his head, and grinding their hips together lasciviously.

He had Dean panting and moaning in seconds.

"Cas!" Dean gasped, "Where the hell did you learn to do that?" 

"I was studying this morning before you awoke." He nipped slowly at Dean's earlobe.

Dean hummed in appreciation. "What? Studying?"

"Hmm...I looked up videos and consulted some books about pleasure." He licked Dean's neck, and Dean made a small noise. Cas hummed in appreciation. 

"...porn? Did you watch a bunch of fucking porn?" Dean said, incredulous. 

Cas stopped, hesitated for a moment. "Not all of it was pornography. But that's irrelevant now," he said. Cas continued with an arched brow, looking serious. And hot. "Now, be quiet. Or rather, stop talking. You don't have to be quiet." He went back to his work of taking Dean apart.

"But-"

Cas covered his mouth with his hand using entirely more strength than necessary. _That's fucking hot_ , Dean thought. When Cas took control, it somehow made him feel a security. He couldn't explain it. He didn't care to either. 

"Dean, I shall bind and gag you if you do not stop speaking. Let me make you feel good. I want to make you _come_ ," Cas said in a growl. His voice was dark and his eyes were lustful. Dean hesitated, then slowly nodded, wondering just what sort of material Cas had been studying. Last night he was completely unable to say anything sexy and now he was pushing all Dean's buttons just with the sound of his voice. Dean was achingly hard and they'd barely started.

"Good. Now, just stop thinking. Stop talking. Just enjoy this. Let me take care of you. If you don't like something, speak up. Otherwise, I only want to hear my name and your moans from your lips," Cas said firmly. Dean just nodded again. Cas slowly released his hand from Dean's mouth, then slowly kissing him. 

Dean was completely taken by surprise here. Whatever "studying" Cas had been doing was fine by him. Whenever Cas put his mind to learning something, he really devoted himself to it.

"Leave your hands still. Just let me please you. If you do not, I'll restrain you myself." Cas said. 

Dean nodded again. 

"If you do not like anything, if you feel any discomfort whatsoever, even a little, you _must_ speak up," Cas said firmly one more, staring into Dean's eyes to punctuate the idea. The hunter nodded again, his cock aching and his heart thudding so loudly with anticipation he could hear it in his ears.

Cas began his ministrations in earnest, sliding his rough hands slowly down the hunter's sides, then began sucking and biting gently at his nipples. Dean moaned softly and his back arched slightly. He slowly brought a hand down to firmly grasp Dean's cock, which earned him a gasp and a shuddering exhale. Cas began stroking Dean leisurely, and each time Cas reached the head the hunter couldn't help but moan a little louder. The angel was moving painfully slowly, teasing Dean without mercy. Dean's dick leaked drops of precum onto Cas' hand.

"Oh, you're so sensitive," Cas muttered softly. "So hard." Dean nodded enthusiastically. 

Then the bastard abruptly stopped. Dean groaned, aching and impatient. 

Cas began stroking Dean's thighs, down to his knee, then slowly back up to the "v" of his hips. 

"Cas," Dean gasped. He thought about telling Cas to just touch him already, but thought better of it, remembering his lover’s strict instructions

Cas watched Dean lovingly, saying nothing as he let his hands move back up to Dean's abdomen, then up to his chest and let them rest over Dean's heart. Cas closed his eyes and exhaled, delighting in the feeling of his lover's excited heartbeat. Dean whimpered, absolutely desperate for touch.

"Oh, Dean," Cas said softly, sighing, "You're doing so well." Dean said nothing, but looked pleadingly at Castiel. 

The next words the angel spoke sent an electric thrill down Dean's spine. 

"I'd like very much to be inside you right now, Dean." Cas purred.

Dean's eyes went wide. He had never done that - usually he didn't have any lube on hand on the road. He'd swapped blowjobs with guys before, but he'd never been penetrated. He had always assumed he'd be a top. This felt big, this felt important.

But he found that even with his initial shock, the exhilaration of being with Cas, his angel, experiencing this with him… that won out of shock or fear easily. 

Cas had stilled his hands and watched Dean. 

"Would you want that, Dean? Would you like it if I was inside you?" Cas asked. Dean could hear a slight insecurity, barely audible, subtlety hanging in the angel's voice.

Dean slowly nodded. 

At that, Cas let out a joyful, relieved sigh and smiled warmly. "That makes me very happy. You can speak now if you want. I just wanted to appreciate you like you deserve," he said as his cobalt eyes raked slowly over Dean. 

Dean shook his head. "No, I… I want to be quiet for you. I want you to keep...doing whatever it is you're doing," he whispered. He wanted the surety of Cas' instructions. He craved the solidity that gave him. The overwhelming trust and confidence it gave him in Cas and the knowledge he would never abuse that confidence. 

Castiel nodded this time. He brought a hand to the hunter's cheek. "Oh, Dean," he said, "you're doing so well."

As with everything, Cas was in no hurry. He slowly moved back and set to the task of opening Dean up, taking a finger and circling it around his hole. Dean gasped at that, tensing up.

"I can sense your concern, you know. Are you certain?" 

Dean nodded. 

"No, I need to hear this. Tell me all your feelings about this. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I need to know everything. Speak, Dean."

_Well, he commanded it_ , Dean thought flatly. "I… I've never done this before. So, yeah, I guess I'm a little nervous. I don't know. But mostly I'm excited. Surprised. I thought it would - I...well, Cas, I want this with you. I swear, if anything changes, I'll speak up. Now please, for the love of fuck, please get to it, Cas!" He said, impatience coming out at the end. 

Cas tilted his head. "Really? You've never done this?"

Dean shook his head.

"Hm. How interesting. Did you ever want to?"

Dean hesitated. Then he nodded.

"Oh. And did you ever try it on yourself? With your fingers?” Cas whispered, his blue eyes electrifying Dean.

He nodded again, looking away.

Cas whispered, "I've never done it before either. I hope I can make it… very special."

Dean blushed fiercely and rolled his eyes. _I'm like a virgin on prom night,_ he thought. Cas grinned, and then turned his attention back to his task. 

Castiel started again by circling his finger around, and Dean was surprised by the warm slickness he felt. He felt his dick twitch at the realization the angel must have used his heavenly grace for lube, which was unspeakably wicked. He delighted in it.

Castiel made a satisfied little hum as he looked up at Dean's eyes. At that moment, he breached him and got a knuckle deep, which made the hunter moan loudly. Dean thought it would hurt at first - and there was a burn and stretch - but it was satisfying. Cas brought his other hand up to lazily tease Dean's cock as he began to slowly work the one finger in and out. 

"Relax, Dean. I will treat you with utmost care." The words were kind but his voice was dripping with absolute need, which Dean felt reverberate in his core.

The hunter tried to relax. He knew he could trust Cas. This was different from the gross motels and the quickies on the road. This was Castiel. This was the guy who loved him. 

"Perfect, you're perfect for me… You're doing so well, Dean," Cas uttered sinfully. He put in another finger, and Dean cried out, "Cas!"

Cas growled and began to slowly scissor his fingers in and out. Dean's eyes were squeezed shut and he was writhing. Suddenly, the angel's fingertips found that bundle of nerves and Dean nearly jackknifed off the bed with a ragged yell. Cas froze, ready to withdraw his fingers from his thrashing lover. 

"No! No, do it again, please Cas!" Dean said, collapsing back down. 

Cas hesitated, but upon sensing no displeasure or negative emotion in Dean, he continued once more. It took him a moment to find the spot again after that initial shock, but then he grazed it again, and again, causing the most beautiful, raw sounds to spill from Dean's mouth. 

The angel added a third finger and Dean was positively unmanageable as Cas continued his ministrations. He was moving against Cas' fingers and twisting his hands in the bed sheets until his knuckles were white. Cas removed his fingers, which made Dean whimper for a moment. Then he felt Cas was on top of him and he felt the angel lining up with his hole. In that moment, Dean opened his eyes. Cas looked absolutely wrecked. His eyes were lust blown and half-lidded in a lust drunk look Dean wished he could capture perfectly in his mind. 

Castiel entered him slowly, Dean arching up and his toes curling right away. Cas was big. Cas was long and thick and the fullness was intense. There was more burning and stretching, but Dean knew neither of them would last long. 

Cas began a slow, firm rhythm. "Dean," he gasped, ragged and wanting.

"Oh fuck, CAS!" Dean yelled as Cas' cock hit that sweet spot. 

Dean let out a string of what must have been incoherent nonsense with the occasional expletive thrown in, and Cas began similar babbling in Enochian as they panted and moved smoothly together. 

Dean felt like his body was glowing hot, and this slow rhythm Cas had settled on was making him wild. 

Castiel's grace was feeling stronger, so he didn't want to "explode" as Dean had put it again. It was a fine line to walk, allowing his vessel to fully feel all the physical sensation without letting his grace overtake the situation. He kept his slow, firm rhythm, hitting Dean's prostate on every third thrust. 

"Oh shit, Cas, I'm, I'm...gonna come, sunshine," Dean said in a strained, gasping voice. 

That was when Cas abandoned his careful rhythm and tight control. He sped up and became erratic, groaning with Dean's name gracing his lips. But when he felt Dean come, shooting his hot load between them, his walls clenching mercilessly on Castiel's aching cock, Dean screaming his name - that's when he snapped. 

"Dean, oh, I can't-" 

Cas quickly covered Dean's eyes and as he came, the room was bathed in light and the ringing sound of his true voice as he filled Dean with his come.

He collapsed on Dean, absolutely spent. Cas lifted his hand from the man's eyes. "Mmm, Dean, are you alright?" He gasped, panting. He pulled out and Dean groaned at the loss, then rolled over to lay beside his hunter with a satisfied sigh. 

Dean nodded, still blissed out. "Yeah… mmm, yeah I'm good,” he moaned softly. They were quiet for a few moments, enjoying the afterglow. “...So no explosion, but you went all BAMF smiting power?" Dean chuckled out between heaving breaths. 

"I was doing my best," Castiel said tersely. 

"Well, you can 'do your best' with me anytime. Cas, that was… that was incredible. Light show and all." He said, stretching out.

Cas gave an appreciative sound, pausing for a moment. "I am very glad you enjoyed it, Dean. I would very much like to do that again. Perhaps next time we can switch roles." He said with a wide grin.

"Oh, I'd like that," Dean said. 

They stayed like that for a while, limbs tangled together, just enjoyed the warmth and the presence of one another, gazing into one another's eyes. Castiel gently took Dean's hand and stroked his thumb back and forth tenderly. There was a comfortable peace and intimacy between them.

"I was surprised by you," Cas said quietly, raising his other hand to Dean's cheek, looking deeply into his eyes. "I didn't think you would stay restrained just by my instruction. To give someone that kind of power over you… I'm honored you would trust me with that." 

Dean's cheeks became hot as he blushed fiercely. "Well… yeah, Cas. It's you. How could I not trust you? I… I, um… well, you matter so much to me. I need you. Always." Dean cringed internally, wishing he'd been able to spit out those three little words. He loved Cas, but he had lost everyone he'd ever said that to. He couldn't lose Cas again.

Cas furrowed his brow. "You have plenty of reason not to trust me. I betrayed both you and your brother multiple times. I tried to become god by eating many souls, destroyed heaven - on multiple occasions, killed Belephegor… I could list many more occasions where I have failed or deceived you." 

Dean sighed, "Yeah, and? I've become a demon, said yes to an asshole archangel, and made deals with crossroads demons so you had to drag my perky ass out of hell. That's not what I'm talking about. That stuff doesn't matter anymore. We know that was just… fuckin Chuck," he spat, "but this? You and me? This is real. Like you said back at the high school when Chuck blew open the gate to hell. We're real. This is real." 

Cas just grasped Dean into a hug. "Yes, you're right. This is very real."


	3. Love Does Not Envy, but Cosmo Says I Should

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas have to split up for a while, but Dean teaches Cas how to be intimate long distance. Cas is a little confused about human courtship, but all is well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm going to be honest with you, I was going to go a slightly angstier direction with this, but I don't think after s15e20 (GRRR) any of us can handle that, so this is all very silly and lighthearted. It's not particularly well written, but I just wanted to chill out and imagine something silly with our favorite pair of idiots in love. I am absolutely NOT OK and I have a feeling you are also NOT OK, and THAT'S OK because it's okay to not be okay. Just come here, with me, and enjoy this ridiculous, plotless, slightly hot but mostly silly chapter. Maybe "Love Does Not Envy" will make a re-appearance from Dean's perspective later, but right now let's just have a nice, safe, light-hearted time. I love you all <3 We are all valid, okay? I hope you like it and it makes you smile. <3 <3 <3

Over the next few weeks, Dean and Sam went on a few simple back to back hunts - a salt and burn in Missouri, a shape-shifter in Wisconsin, and other run of the mill stuff. This was perfectly normal, of course. Cas stayed home with Jack, teaching him things about the world, about humans, about heaven, and helped him practice with his powers. Not that Jack really needed help at this point, but it made Castiel feel like he was helping and Jack enjoyed the bonding time, so they kept up the charade. This was also perfectly normal.

Except that now it wasn't normal, not anymore. In the moments that the hunters were researching, Dean found that his mind would wander and he would find himself missing Cas. The newness of their...whatever this was had not yet worn off. It had barely gotten started when Sammy caught wind of a case. Dean uncharacteristically tried to tell Sam that they had bigger things - literal God - to deal with and they should not go on hunts while waiting for that to develop, but eventually Sam convinced him to go save people and hunt things. Cas has wanted to come along, but someone needed to stay with Jack to ensure he stayed hidden from Chuck. 

So the two, just a couple of days after they finally got together, were apart. Cas very much enjoyed the time with Jack, but frequently found his mind wandering to memories of Dean, missing Dean, wanting Dean. Even hundreds of miles apart, he could feel Dean's longing. 

Anytime the hunter could, he would text Castiel. Sometimes just to say hi, sometimes just strings of emojis. Cas always responded, even though he didn't always understand the emojis. In one instance, Dean sent him a devil emoji.

_Cas: Why would you send me that?_

_Dean: What do you mean? You know whyy ;)_

_Cas: I do not know why you would send me an emoticon of a demon. Dean, do you need help on the hunt?_

_Dean: no no_

_Dean: it means im horny_

_Cas: Horny?_

  
  


Dean didn’t answer right away, so Cas took to google.

  
  


_Cas: You mean you want to have sex?_

_Dean: omfg Cas_

_Cas: What?_

_Dean: jfc Cas. yes i wanna have sex. Ok?_

_Dean: Dont make me say it_

_Cas: I'm afraid you'll have to say "it" whatever that means, since I have no idea what you're referring to._

_Dean: ok, ok - I miss u. I'm horny for YOU_

_Cas: I see. In that case, let me say that I miss you too, Dean and I'm also "horny" for you._

  
  


When Dean read that he smiled as he imagined Cas using air quotes to tell him he was horny.

  
  


_Dean: <3 _

  
  
  


After Dean sent that final message, he stared at it, blushing fiercely. That was the closest he was going to get right now to saying those three damn words. He watched the ellipses move on the screen as he waited for Cas's response. _It's just a stupid heart, Winchester,_ he thought. _Why are you acting like a teenage girl?!_

Finally, Cas sent a response.

  
  


_Cas: <3 I love you too, Dean. _

  
  


Dean practically melted into a puddle on the motel bed with a sigh. _I'm fucking twitterpated. I'm 100% useless for this angel._

Sam cleared his throat from the table where he was reading old newspapers about a haunting. "You good over there, Casanova?"

"Shut up."

Sam smiled. "It's good to see you happy, Dean. You both deserve it, you know."

Dean blushed. "Whatever, Sammy." He grumbled. Sam just chuckled. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Dean was smiling though.

Later that day, Castiel and Jack were playing Connect 4 - again. The young nephilim certainly had his favorites. Castiel was perfectly aware of how to beat Jack, but he loved how excited and confident Jack looked when he bested him. In some games, he delayed Jack's inevitable win more than others, but Jack always won.

"You've won, Jack. Again. You're very skilled at this game." 

Jack beamed and took a big bite of the sugary cereal Cas had gotten for him since Sam was gone. Cas couldn't help but smile back.

Cas's phone lit up again on the table and he looked at it, hoping it was a message from Dean. When he saw it, his eyes went wide. In a panic, Castiel immediately swiped it off the table and sent it flying across the room. Jack just stared at him with concern and surprise, silently chewing. 

"I… get… so very angry when ads appear on my phone," Cas said as an explanation. 

"What sort of ad was it?" Jack asked, eyes still big as saucers, tilting his head curiously. 

"It was for… insurance. For vehicles. Vehicular insurance. I have to go take care of something - I’ll be in the bunker but I need a moment."

Jack nodded cheerfully and turned to the word search on the back of the cereal box.

Castiel calmly crossed the room and gingerly picked up his phone. He gave Jack a tense smile and hurried off. 

Cas felt the all too human sensation of a blush creeping up from his neck and painting his face. He ducked into the first bedroom and once he had the door shut, he looked at the phone again. 

Cas was completely unsure of how he felt. There before him was a picture of his hunter's erect penis, leaking at the tip with his hand grasped around the base. The image was accompanied by the text _"told ya >;)" _

On the one hand, he very much enjoyed the image. On the other, Jack could have seen the explicit image, and Cas didn't know if he was to blame for that or if Dean was. On an entirely different level, he felt frustrated that Dean was doing these things without him.

_Cas: I believe the term is “WTF”, Dean_

_Dean: hehe. where are you right now?_

_Cas: In your room, now. It was closer._

Dean was calling him. He hesitated for a moment before picking up. 

"Hello, Dean," Cas said flatly.

"Mmm, Cas," Dean moaned.

"What are you doing?" Castiel hissed, not sure if he was frustrated or aroused.

"'M touching myself. Thinking of you."

"I know that," Cas said impatiently. "Why?"

Dean sighed. "Cas, I'm trying to be sexy here."

"You - you are 'sexy'. You don't need to try. I just don't understand."

Dean could practically hear Cas's air quotes.

"It's called sexting. Or phone sex. Just - unzip your pants."

Cas's face scrunched up. He couldn't see a reason to do that without Dean here. The only thing that had ever given Cas that sort of reaction was Dean's presence. 

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to make you jizz from hundreds of miles away.”

“Jizz?” Cass asked, uncertain.

“It means come, Cas. I’m gonna make you come. You just have to trust me. Come on, sunshine, live a little.” Dean chuckled.

"Okay," Cas muttered.

"Good. Get comfy somewhere. Get those pants out of your way. Just listen to me." Dean purred.

Cas sat stiffly on the bed and shimmied his pants and underwear down. He felt foolish, alone in his room in his trenchcoat with no pants on. But then again, he sometimes felt foolish walking around in a human vessel anyway, even still.

"Um, okay," he said again. 

Dean moaned, "Good, keep doing what I say, just like that. I've been waiting for you."

"Okay. To do... what?" 

"Mmm, ok, let's make a new rule, sunshine. You just listen to me, only talk if you're answering a question," the hunter decided. "Let me guide you, ok?" Dean whispered in a sensuous rumble.

"I understand, Dean," Cas muttered. None of his research had prepared him for this. He had been researching how to be a good lover, but he hadn't come across anything about pleasing himself. 

"Palm your cock for me, hard," Dean moaned, "and imagine me touching myself while I imagine you."

Cas hesitated. "Can I just imagine it's you touching me?" He asked.

"Yeah, that works too. Pretend it's my hand instead of yours," Dean said, voice dropping with sinful intentions. 

Cas has trouble pretending much of anything at all, but he did as instructed again. He wasn't used to taking orders. It felt strange, but he was starting to get hard thinking of Dean like that. 

"Yeah, now touch yourself with me, sunshine," Dean said in a gravelly timbre into the phone, "Grab your pretty cock for me. Go slow and steady. Go all the way down and the backup."

Castiel's breath hitched as he complied, which made Dean moan.

"Ah, Dean," Cas uttered softly. 

"Keep going, angel," Dean moaned.

"Yes," Cas breathed. He was sure that hearing Dean’s wrecked voice was what had done him in. He was absolutely smitten for that man.

“Cas,” the hunter breathed, his breath stuttering, “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

“Dean,” Cas breathed out like a prayer.

Cas was fully hard and his dick was dripping with precum now, reminding him of Dean’s picture. He savored every sound he heard Dean making on the other end of the line, every stifled moan or sharp inhalation, every delectable moan.

“Go a little faster now, sunshine, do this with me.” he paused, gasping. “If I was with you,” Dean panted, “I’d touch your wings.”

“Mmm, yes,” Cas moaned.

“Imagine me touching them, Cas. Right along the top,” the hunter said, voice strained, “Then long strokes down through all those long, silky feathers. They’re so beautiful, Cas.”

The angel could vividly recall the feeling, the thrill of it. He felt bashful at the compliment. 

“And if I was with you I’d kiss you,” Dean said, breathing heavily. 

“I like when you kiss me,” Cas gasped, “I like everything you do to me,”

The angel cried out his lover’s name.

“Yeah, ‘m close, Cas.”

“M-me too,” the angel uttered, completely overcome.

“You gonna come for me? You gonna explode for me? God, I want to hear you come.” Dean let out a delicious, dirty sound that Cas felt go straight to his cock. 

“I- yes - _Dean_!” Cas shouted into the phone as he fell over the edge and came hard, spilling into his hand. He imagined the hot come was Dean’s. He savored every twitch as he rode out the last of his orgasm, imagining it was happening inside his lover. He was able to more readily tame the threatening pulse of grace, only letting out a slight ring of his true voice and lightly bathing the room in light. Dean let out a truly guttural moan that made Cas’ heart flutter with excitement, knowing his hunter was coming too. After a few moments, Dean chuckled. "How was that, Cas?"

Cas chucked back. "Good. Different. But good." He said with a satisfied sigh. 

"Do you think you like sexting now?"

"Yes, but you shocked me. Jack nearly saw!"

"Oooh, better put a lock on that phone then."

Cas sighed and said, "Yes, I'd better. I think I scared Jack when I threw my phone." 

“You threw it?” Dean cackled at him.

"I'm glad that amuses you," Cas said sarcastically.

Cas went to the bedside table to get something to clean up with. When he did he found something curious. 

"Dean. What is this?" Cas asked, looking at the offending object as he cleaned himself up. 

"I don't know, Cas, what is it?" 

"A blue plastic penis. Why do you have this?" Cas demanded.

"Oh… uh, it's a toy, Cas," Dean said awkwardly. 

"A toy?" Cas said, dubious. 

"Yeah, you know, when you're not around and I'm lonely and bored… I use it."

Cas looked at the object, frowning. "You put this inside yourself? Without me?"

"Uh, yeah?" Dean felt himself blushing. "Is that a problem?"

Cas didn't answer immediately. He picked up the object. He stared at it seriously. "Yes, Dean, that's a problem."

"What - are you serious right now?"

"Yes. No _one_ and no _thing_ should be inside you but _me_ ," Cas spat.

"Cas, we just jacked off together, it's the same thing!" Dean 

"No, it is not," Cas said, frustrated. 

"You've got to be joking. Cas, tell me you’re joking. This is crazy, man.”

Cas paused. He took a deep breath in and slowly let it out, determined to stay his course. "I'm going to destroy it, Dean," Cas said with determination. 

"What? Why? Dude, what the fuck?"

Cas felt a pang of guilt. His hunter was sounding very worried. "You seem distressed, Dean."

"Uh, no shit! You're acting weird! Why are you mad at me? Are you… jealous of the stupid dildo?"

"I'm not acting weird. I have read about this in my research. If I don't act possessive over you, you will assume I am no longer interested in you sexually."

"Where the fuck have you been researching this? That's not true. That's not even healthy."

“I read it in a Cosmopolitan magazine.”

There was silence between them. Then Dean began to laugh. 

"So wait, wait, wait. You mean you don't really care about that toy? You read a Cosmo that says you have to own your man or some Mean Girls crap, and you thought you should smite my stupid toy to show you care? Really?”

"No, I guess I don’t really care about the false penis in particular. I just thought it would be a good way to let you know I still want you,” Cas said. Dean cackled again at “false penis”. 

Dean's laughter finally subsided. "Cas, I know you want me. You don't have to do stuff like that. You can just be you. Don't feel like you have to research this stuff. Just be natural. Just be you. You're what I l-like." Dean flushed and felt his head spin again. He tried to say it, but he chickened out at the last second. _Dammit_ , he thought. 

Cas let out a soft chuckle. “Dean, it’s ok. Someday you will say it. I can wait as long as you need. I love you too. And I will say that as many times as I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a lighthearted fic. While it's not meant to be a coda/fix-it fic, I hope it can offer you some comfort. Please know that any angst I put them through is temporary for story progression, and will be resolved, hopefully in a way you will like. I'm not going to hurt these beloved characters anymore, they are, at some unidentified point, going to get some kind of happy, fulfilling, satisfying ending as they deserve.
> 
> I don't have any specific plans for this fic. I’m taking it one chapter at a time. I'm honestly just writing to heal, and if you like this too, please come along with me and I'll try to post somewhat regularly. I don’t promise to be a perfect author, in fact, I would like to state directly, unambiguously - I am not a talented writer, I have never written fanfic of any kind before, and I know it is kind of cringe at times. I know there are more talented writers on here, but I just want to share this and this is kind of my therapy. If you have any specific requests for future chapters, please leave a comment. Your kudos and comments make my day! <3 <3 <3


	4. [Intermission] A Brief Overview of How Jack Fixed Everything Very Conveniently so this Fic Can Ignore Canon and Dive Directly into Domestic Fluff/Smut Without Further Interruption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick summary of how Jack (our sweet baby cinnamon roll of a God) swoops in deus ex machina style and conveniently saves the day, which I recognize is crappy writing and story telling, but since that is not what this fic is about I refuse to apologize for it. If you want to simply move ahead without reading this, that's fine too, just know that this is where I just completely ditch canon and say "fuck it, happy endings all around" except it's more of a happy beginning situation because, dear readers, it is not the end. ; ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not well written, but I just wanted to cover how, for the purposes of this fun happy fic, we can now:
> 
> -see how Cas gets back to his full glorious BAMF power  
> -see how heaven, the Empty, and the Chuck and Billie situations are fixed (again, not good writing or storytelling, I literally breeze through it because I don't care and that's not what this fic is about - this is not a real chapter, more of a mini summary with some dialogue)  
> \- see how no one died on a stupid rusty nail  
> \- see how Jack has 3 really good dads (another canon divergence IMO because Dean was always a dick to him in canon and I hated that because I don't think Dean would ever do that to his child like John did to him)
> 
> I did leave Jack as God, and I know some people didn't like that but I didn't mind, so I'm leaving it BUT he's going to still hang around his dads now and then and I don't think you'll hate that. He's a good kid.
> 
> Chapter 5 will resume with the actual fic. 
> 
> Then, going forward, we can just do our own thing and ignore.... all of that other stuff.

Well, shit had hit the fan. Thankfully, being one of God's dads had its perks. Jack had gone full supernova nephilim from Billie’s instruction, but the timing was wrong. She sent him to the Empty, and when she brought him back he was a power vacuum. He sucked the power right out of her, and later, Chuck. It had been complicated, it had been grueling, Dean and Cas had nearly died at the end of Billie’s scythe, and Sam had been seconds away from being dissolved to dust by Chuck, but thankfully Jack had been beyond brilliant. 

Cas's vision when he took off with Kelly before Jack was born was true. He made heaven into a paradise as it was always meant to be, with some help from Cas and the other angels Jack took from the Empty. He had brought them back to heaven, which the Empty accepted because they were all awake from the explosion. That had been a problem It was all too eager to get rid of. He restored the angels’ wings and reset Chuck's cruel brainwashing and script, thus giving them free will. The demons in the Empty were returned to Rowena's care since they were also awake, so things stayed relatively quiet hell-side too They didn’t want to cross the Queen of Hell. There were still minor monsters to handle from time to time, but Jack and Amara restored balance and peace. Things were quiet. Things were...happy.

Even more than all of that, the day that Jack restored Cas to full power and healed his wings was a memory Dean would cherish always. 

They were outside the bunker near sunset, in a clearing in the woods. It was like something out of a renaissance painting if angels wore trenchcoats and God wore sneakers in renaissance paintings. Dean was sitting back little ways with Sam, watching Jack and Cas talk. Dean imagined it must look weird to Sam, who couldn’t see Cas’ wings, but his little brother didn’t say anything. 

"Cas, do you want them back to their original color, or will you keep them black?" Jack asked with a wide smile. Cas looked away and shifted on his feet as he thought. He glanced back at Dean for the briefest moment, then turned his focus at his son with a soft grateful smile. "Let's keep them as they are now, Jack. Thank you," He decided.

"I like them," Jack said, his eyes and hands glowing yellow as he laid a hand on the arch of each wing, smiling warmly. In a burst of light, the wings unfurled and spread wide. Each feather was thicker and more intensely colored in deep ebony. The tips of the long primary feathers faded to deep indigo. The iridescence made them shine brilliantly in the light in all colors, reflecting all the colors in the light spectra back out into the world. There were no more damaged spots, no more missing feathers. Cas sighed and his eyes glowed blue with the fully recharged grace Jack restored. The angel stretched his wings wide with a joyful smile. As the glowing holy power faded from their eyes, Cas gripped Jack in the biggest hug.

"I'm so proud of you, Jack. Thank you. I always knew you'd make this world a better place, but this, heaven, Chuck, all of it… You're doing amazing things. You’re… Kelly would be so proud. _Is_ so proud." Even at full grace, he couldn't help but shed a happy tear, looking into Jack's beaming smile with pride and awe at his son.

The two walked closer to Sam and Dean

"I… I'm really glad you’re my dad, Cas. One of them," he chuckled, shooting a glance towards Sam and Dean. "I have work to do, a lot of work to do, but I hope... I can come and stay with you guys sometimes?" He said, glancing between Dean, Sam, and Cas sheepishly. 

All at once, the three of them burst out, Cas saying "Of course!", Sam saying "Always, Jack!" And Dean practically shouting "You better, dammit!". Jack just giggled. 

"And, now that I'm… a powerful omnipotent being… I don't need to worry about my teeth, so please keep some cereal around for me." 

This made the three men laugh. There was a sadness underneath it, though. It felt that as Kelly had said, Jack had to grow up fast. 

Shortly thereafter, Jack said he had to go, that there were things that needed to be set right, and he disappeared into the air in a wave of light. But he reminded his fathers that he was a prayer away, even when they could not see him, and that he was always with all of them, and everyone else. Castiel understood this best of all, of course, but even for him, it was difficult to watch Jack walk away and disappear. Even if your child is an all-powerful god, you still worry for them.

As the brothers and Castiel wiped away tears, they turned to walk back inside the bunker. 

Later, Dean turned to Cas. “Do you think he’s happy, Cas?” He said, sipping a beer. “It’s not fair. He’s just a kid. Being God is a huge responsibility. It’s the most responsibility of anything. That’s insane.” 

Cas sighed. “I don’t know. Sadly, I’m not sure he has a choice. But he’s doing good things, and I think he knows he is loved. I think that’s the best any of us can ever really hope for.” 

Dean nodded solemnly. “Is it kind of weird that our kid is God?”

Cas nodded. “It wasn’t what I would imagine, it's not what I would hope for him by any means, but he’s certainly better equipped than any other entity for the job. He has care and compassion. He knows what it’s like to by human, and he knows what it's like to be powerful. He knows what it’s like to have horrible mistakes on your conscience, and he knows what grief and love and fear and happiness feel like. Chuck didn’t really know any of that. He entertained the idea, he wrote about it, but he couldn’t understand that in a genuine way. Jack can,” Cas said with a firm certainty. 

“Well yeah, I know the kid is going to do a good job, of course. I just want to know if he’s going to be happy.”

Cas sighed again. “I don’t know. I don’t think any of us were prepared for this. I have no way of knowing, and I assure you that it bothers me. Not knowing. But I’ve spent most of my existence not knowing things. And they’ve worked out. I hope the same for Jack.”

Dean nodded solemnly. He sipped a little more from his beer, deep in thought. Then he barked out a laugh.

“When people pray to him, they’re gonna say ‘Our father who art in Heaven’, but we’ll say ‘Our son who art in Heaven’,” and he burst into peals of childish laughter.

Cas rolled his eyes, but Dean was sure he saw the corner of the angel’s mouth twitch into a grin for just a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm on vacation from work this week so I *hope* to have Chapter 5 up soon for you all. Thanks for bearing with me through this brief interruption. Next post, we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming. ;] 
> 
> I love you all! <3 Your feedback means so much to me, so never hesitate to drop a comment if you have requests/questions/feedback!


	5. Love Does Not Boast, But I Still Want to Impress You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas are still living their lives and have to spend a few days apart . Dean still can't tell Cas verbally that he loves him, but he finds a way to get his point across that leaves Cas in awe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a really soft, sweet chapter with intimacy but no real smut, just an fyi! Dean's a real sweetie in this one. Actually, so is Cas. I love these guys.

A few weeks later, Dean and Cas were in the Dean Cave having a western marathon at Dean's insistence. Cas felt less inclined than ever now that he had his grace and wings fully restored to sit around and watch depressing unrealistic movies, but it made Dean happy. He also didn't mind the popcorn.

Sam walked into the Dean Cave and announced, "So get this -"

Dean made a face at him. "Is that something you feel the need to say everytime you walk into a room? Like an announcement?" He said testily, pausing the movie. 

Sam gave him a bitchface. "Shut up. Anyway, there's this town called New Harmony, Indiana-"

"Yeah, we've been there already, Sam," Dean said, then paused, waiting for Sam to remember. "Uh… it was kinda a big one." He said, eyebrow arched at his brother.

"What? Oh. Yeah. Huh. Well, anyway-"

"SAM, I DIED IN NEW HARMONY." Dean interrupted dramatically. 

A silence hung in the air for a moment. Sam looked at him, surprised. He opened his mouth to say something but he was interrupted.

"It's okay, Dean, I raised you from perdition shortly thereafter," Cas said, then stuffing more popcorn in his mouth. 

"Yeah, Cas, cool, I only spent 40 years in hell instead of eternity, but I guess I just  _ thought _ my brother would remember me getting killed and dragged to hell a little better," Dean snapped, looking at Sam.

"Dean, while I agree Sam should be more conscientious of your various deaths," - Sam made an indignant sound here - "you  _ have _ died many times."

"So have you! So has he! We've all died so many freaking times!"

Cas swallowed the popcorn and said "Not as many times as you have.''

Dean scoffed and looked at Sam. "What's wrong in New Harmony now?"

Sam rolled his eyes at Dean while Cas munched away at the popcorn, looking back and forth between the brothers quietly. 

Sam hesitated for a moment, then sighed and said, "Okay, well, there's this old house, the Fauntleroy House, and people have been saying it's been haunted since the 1850s. But in the past month, three people died there from falling down the stairs."

Dean sighed. Cas ate another handful of popcorn. Dean did a double take, whipping his head back to Cas, whose mouth was full of popcorn.

Cas shrugged as he swallowed. "The texture is nice in my mouth. It's just nice."

"Um, ok. Huh," he mumbled, then turned back to his brother. "Anyway,  _ suuuure, _ Sammy, let's go to stupid fucking New Harmony. We can leave in the morning." Dean said, flipping the movie back on as Sam walked away.

Cas waited a moment, thoughtfully chewing the popcorn. "Why did you get so angry at your brother?" He asked curiously. 

"I was dragged to hell there! That's the first place I died! You would think it would be something that sticks with you. I was ripped to shreds and dragged to hell."

"Hm. Do you remember each place Sam died?"

Dean’s face fell and he looked down at his hands and he breathed in a sudden ragged breath, his anger suddenly dissolving into grief. "Yeah, I do actually. And you too. And Charlie, and dad, and mom, and Rowena, and Benny, and Crowley, and everyone. Every single one." Dean said softly. 

Cas sighed and grasped Dean's hand. "I'm sorry, Dean. You know your death… or deaths, I suppose - they’re important to us. That includes Sam. But your life is much more important. I feel certain that if you asked him, he would know exactly where he saw you the first time after you came back, every time," Cas said, curling his wing around Dean to comfort him. The lounge chairs in the Dean Cave had been pushed closer together some time ago, so this was not hard for Cas' huge wingspan to accommodate. The hunter leaned into the comforting touch and buried his face in the warmth of the feathers. They always smelled like lightning storms and something soothing and addictive Dean couldn't quite place. They were so much softer than anything else in the world. Dean tried to think of the softest thing he'd ever touched. Silk? Velvet? A chinchilla? Cas' wings were softer by far. Dean sighed into the arch of the wing. 

"Cas, when angels touch each other's wings, is it sexy? You told me once you help each other preen sometimes. Does it make you...?"

Cas chuckled. "No, Dean, not remotely."

"What do you mean? They're so sensitive when I touch them. Gets you pretty worked up," he said with a suggestive arch of his eyebrow.

Cas gave him an amused look. "We do help each other preen when we are injured or ill. And while wings are an important process in angel mating rituals - that’s why it's taboo, generally, to touch them - I don't think you could describe any of those things as 'sexy' processes. Angels mate rarely, and it's a very mechanical, precise, cold process from what I've been given to understand. It doesn't happen often. It hasn't happened in thousands of years. But, you have to remember… I'm… an anomaly. I feel things in a way other angels… do not seem to comprehend," Cas said, looking down as he spoke softly. He glanced back at Dean with a pained smile.

Dean was about to say something, but Cas abruptly continued.

"We also use them for fighting, and some rituals that certainly have nothing to do with mating." Castiel looked up at Dean slowly. He cautiously grasped Dean's hand, cradling it like something precious. 

He took a deep breath, looking warmly at his lover. "You see, it's like your hands. When I touch them, it could be that I'm handing you something. Or about to cut it open for blood for a spell," Cas grimaced, loathing the thought. He traced a line with his finger across Dean's palm. 

"Or I could grab your hand to say I want you to follow me somewhere, or to help you up. You could hit someone, harm them with this hand. You could shake someone's hand in greeting. Not sexual in any sense. Or," Cas said, arching an eyebrow and shifting slightly to better face Dean leaning in slowly to whisper in his ear, "Or… your fingers could be inside me," Dean gasped at that, and Cas slowly rubbed small circles into Dean's palm with his thumb. 

"Or, I could...do this," Cas said in a low voice, and he brought Dean's hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it tenderly, never breaking eye contact. He could get lost in those eyes. In fact, he often did. People weren't wrong when they called them the window to the soul. And Dean's soul was beautiful. 

The angel then began kissing down to Dean's fingertips. Cas let his tongue softly lick his hunter's fingertip, eliciting a soft gasp from Dean, before starting to suck on Dean's fingers slowly, moving back and forth and moving his tongue along the underside of them. Dean let out a broken moan at that. Cas was still staring at him like there was nothing more important in the world with those blue eyes, taking in the suddenly wrecked look on Dean's face. Dean was instantly shifting in his seat and breathing heavily. 

"Shit, Cas," the man breathed, as lost in Cas' eyes as the angel was in his.

Cas released his finger with a cocky lopsided grin and a sigh. "So you see, wings are like that. They don't have to be sexual, but they certainly can be. And they are much more sensitive than your hands, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. But it helps when the touches come from someone you care about. Someone you love," Cas said, still keeping his eyes locked on Dean's. Dean could see the lust blown look in Cas' eyes, too. 

"Dean, you're the only one who can touch my wings and get a reaction like that. Ever," the angel said in a dark voice.

Dean slowly took the hand Cas had just released and with deliberation, still making eye contact with his angel, placed it firmly on Cas' wing, carefully stroking the dark iridescent feathers. 

“Tell me where your wings are the most sensitive," Dean demanded, voice husky. "Tell me where you want me to touch them."

Cas took a deep breath. He took Dean's hand and slowly moved it to the top of the second joint near a group of longer feathers. "Here… the alula," he said, then slowly moved the hunter’s hand up and back along the top of the wing moving inward "here, these are marginal coverts," then again, he moved Dean's hand to where his wing met his back. “And here, along these small feathers - the scapulars.” He said.

Dean broke the eye contact to carefully, slowly, firmly stroke along the scapulars where Cas had indicated. He still got that electric thrill as tiny burst of energy shot through him each time his made contact with the feathers. Cas sighed and moved into the touch. “You’re kind of nerdy with all these names...but I like it," he said with a puckish grin. "Hey, what’s the little jolt of juice I get when I do this, Cas?” Dean asked, looking into his eyes again as he continued his ministrations. 

“Ah, it’s grace. My feathers aren’t really here. Well, they are, but they're also not,” He said, letting his eyes close and humming quietly. “It’s all grace. It’s hard to explain in a way that you would understand, just because you’ve never been an incorporeal wavelength -,” 

“-of celestial intent, yeah, yeah I know,” Dean said with a soft smile.  _ Yeah, _ he thought,  _ Cas is definitely a nerd. _

Cas smiled. “But when you see or touch my wings, it’s essentially all grace,” he explained in a low, soft tone.

“So… that’s like I’m touching basically your soul?” Dean wondered, eyes wide.

“No, it’s hard to explain. They are real - they are, in some vague sense physical, but it’s all manifested from my grace. Imagine it like… a filter or protective lens on the grace. Like the difference between looking directly into the sun and going outside on a cloudy day with sunglasses on. You can still see, and all the light comes from the same place. But you’re perceiving it indirectly. You’re really looking at the lens after it's been diffused through water vapor, not the light."

Dean stared at him for a moment, thinking. “I believe you. But I still don’t get it. And you're such a nerd.” 

Cas huffed a soft laugh. “Just know it’s good and I very much enjoy your interactions with my wings. It’s very special and intimate for me.” Castiel suggested softly, with a tender smile.

Dean smiled back. “It is really cool, isn’t it? Even if it is beyond my stupid mortal grasp," he said in a humorous tone.

Suddenly, Cas grabbed his wrist forcefully and gave him a stern look.

“Don’t say that. Dean, don’t ever say that.”

Dean’s eyes were wide as he spluttered, “Say what?”

“Don’t ever devalue yourself. I’m sick of that. Don’t even pretend that what you perceive to be your intelligence makes you less. And your mortality - well, it frightens me, but it also makes you human, it makes you who you are. And I love you, for who you are. Don’t speak derisively about yourself. Don’t even think it,” Cas stated firmly, brow furrowed, as he put a gentle hand on Dean’s cheek. 

It caught Dean completely off guard. Cas always found the strangest ways and moments to make him feel loved. And Dean was still getting used to feeling loved at all. It made him happy and insecure all at once. He didn’t know what to say. 

“I - Cas…” was all he could say as he looked deeply into his angel’s eyes, those practically glowing crystal blue eyes, and put his hand on Cas’. 

Cas leaned in and kissed his lips, so softly and innocently. There was always an earnesty with every touch or kiss Cas bestowed on Dean. Every kiss was like a prayer he poured his emotion into and gifted to Dean. Cas was always so careful to make sure that it was always conveyed with intensity exactly how much he cared for the hunter. Dean sighed softly and kissed Cas back, slowly and gently.

“Hey guys, I - oh!” Sam exclaimed as he walked in again.

Cas and Dean broke apart suddenly. “Sammy, go away!” Dean grumbled, and then chucked the now empty popcorn bowl at his head. Sam pivoted out of the way and the bowl bounced off the wall behind him, clattering to the floor.

“What is wrong in stupid New Harmony now? What?” Dean grated out, blushing furiously now.

“Um, I just thought I’d mention there’s a bar there called the Yellow Tavern that has four out of five star ratings. They have pizza,” He blurted quickly, “and beer.”

“Sammy, I swear to Jack, we are not -”

“Hello!” Jack appeared suddenly, causing Dean and Sam to jump in surprise. Dean yelped a little, not that he'd admit it (even with witnesses). 

“Did you need me?” Jack said cheerfully.

Dean blinked and his mouth was agape in surprise. He was blushing so deeply Cas was worried for him. “I didn’t mean to call you, Jack, but it’s always good to see you, kid,” Dean said. He could feel his face radiating with heat.

“Oh! Am I interrupting something?" Jack asked. He looked at the three men, then narrowed his eyes and tilted his head. "Wait… Are you all fighting?” Jack asked accusingly. 

Castiel sighed. “No, Jack. Only Sam and Dean are having a disagreement. I’m just caught in the middle,” Cas sighed gesturing to the two brothers dramatically, ”It was a minor argument, though. I’m sure,” Castiel said firmly, making deliberate eye contact with Sam and Dean in turn, “That we can put it all aside for another time and spend some time with you.” 

Dean nodded eagerly, followed by Sam. 

“I…. wish I could. I have a lot to do. I am so glad to see all of you though. I’ll be back soon.”

And with that, he disappeared. 

Dean sighed. “Where the fuck does he go when he does that?” He said, exasperated. 

“Everywhere,” Cas said as if it was obvious.

“Everywhere, in everything, blah blah blah, I don’t get it.” Dean said, getting up and turning the TV off. 

Cas sighed as he stood up as well. “He told you already. He’s God. He’s omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent.” 

“But how?” Dean implored. “How does he disappear to be everywhere? Why can’t he just… also be wherever else?”

“Talking to you can be like talking to a child,” Sam jeered. 

“Sam, don’t taunt him. You asked me about this just yesterday.” Cas chided. 

Sam looked away sheepishly. 

“Ha!” Dean said, spinning around and pointing a finger at his brother, “You don’t know because you’ve never been immortal and holy and shit either. You can shut it, Einstein.” He stated, vindicated.

Castiel rolled his eyes. 

“But if he’s always there and always everywhere, then where does he go when he’s not here anymore?” Dean said, turning back to Cas.

“He doesn’t  _ go _ anywhere.” Cas said patiently. 

“But he did, he was here and then he left, just, ‘poof, bye’.”

“He never really appeared because he never really left the first time. If he never appeared in the first place, he couldn’t leave,” Cas said as though it all made sense as the brothers walked in the hall. 

Dean blinked slowly and then sighed. “Okay, if you can’t explain it any better than that, I’m just going to bed.” Dean said, shaking his head.

\---------------------------------------------------

The brothers went to sleep, Dean insisting they drive to New Harmony tomorrow. As Cas had no patience for driving or sleeping, he went out and took flight. There was a special place he liked to go when he needed time to think and relax, a place that felt divine and serene. He hadn't been able to go there in some time. He flew, enjoying the feeling, absolutely reveling in the joy of it. It had been so long since he could just leave and go where he liked. He flew and just enjoyed it, loving his wings. He said something of a silent prayer of thanks to Jack for giving this back to him. He had been missing a part of himself when he didn’t have his wings.

He flew to the top of a remote mountain, half the world away from Kansas, called Kamchatka. Actually, it was a volcano. There was a hidden hot spring there that would have boiled the skin off of a human in under a minute, but for an immortal celestial being, it seemed just right. He settled in there and carefully stripped. He stretched his wings as far as they could go. He felt connected again to his true form, although he still remained in his vessel. It was nice, nonetheless, to be able to imagine and recall himself as he truly was. When his grace had been fading, he thought that he would feel confined and trapped in his vessel forever. Even though he had no intention of leaving it, he felt connected to his divine nature again for the first time in a long time. There was peace in that.

He soaked into the hot spring and watched the sunset. As it did, he began to meditate on things and connect with his grace.

After several hours, Cas made a decision. He dressed himself and did something he hadn’t been able to do in such a long time - he listened for prayers. That night, he went all over the world, performing small miracles. He healed children in hospitals. He healed a gunshot victim that would have bled out. He stopped a mine from caving in China. He stopped for a while in a droughted village in Africa. 

This was all he’d ever wanted. To perform good for people, and live in the moments of small miracles. 

\---------------------------------------------------

Baby pulled into a cheap motel just outside of New Harmony later the next day. Dean texted Cas the location. Cas replied that he would join them later. The boys suited up and went to the Fauntleroy house. 

Sam talked with docents there while Dean went on a tour and tried to discreetly read EMF. It picked up on little blips throughout the tour, but nothing too concrete.

"This was Mary Emily Fauntleroy's bedroom," a docent droned. "She owned the home for some time and most of the decorations you see are hers. She took great pride in her family home. Sadly, she had to sell the home and all-,"

The EMF reader went berserk. Dean chuckled and turned it off. "Sorry, forgot to turn my ringer off. Tell me more about Mary," Dean said. The docent gave a look that said he thought anyone with a ring tone like that was a monster, then continued. 

Mary Emily had to sell her beloved family home in World War II, much to her chagrin. She had been sort of a badass in her time, Dean discovered, since she focused on educating girls and women in a women’s club she hosted right in her home.

Dean and Sam met up outside. Sam started nerding out, so Dean’s attention waxed and waned at times, but he revealed that the murders started when renovations were done to the kitchen. 

“Hm, I didn’t hit the downstairs much, but I’ll tell you what, Mary-Mary-Quite-Contrary was pissed off and busy in her old room according to the EMF,” Dean muttered.

“Well, I can tell you that the lights were flickering in the kitchen. The contractors were saying they replaced some stuff and they need to do it again, but I felt like it was definitely our ghost,” Sam said confidently. 

"Ok, well, she was buried in the family plot, so let's end this bitch tonight."

Of course, it wasn't that simple. Mary's soul was tied to an object, not her bones. The object turned out to be a rare handcrafted ceramic vase they had moved from her bedroom to the kitchen. 

"A vase? A stupid vase? How fucking lame is that. Who cares about a vase?" Dean said after they had destroyed it. The brothers walked back to Baby from the Fauntelroy house in the dead of the night.

"Maybe it was special? It looked expensive. Maybe someone gave her special flowers in it, like a suitor or something,” Sam suggested.

Dean looked at his brother and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. I just think I’d pick something cool to be attached to if I was a ghost. Like a car, or a guitar, or something really awesome.”

Sam just gave his brother a bitch face and got in the car. They crashed back at the motel. Sam beat Dean to the shower, which made Dean yell some choice words through the door.

Dean told himself he was not going to text Cas. They were together, but they didn't have to breathe down each other's necks, right? He channel surfed a bit. There was nothing good on TV. He looked at his phone. He tore his eyes away and then scrolled through the channels again. He looked at his phone. 

_ Dean: Cas, what's up? you good? _

Dean watched for the typing indicator. It felt like forever before it started moving. When it finally did, he felt the anxiety release its grip on his heart.

_ Cas: I'm sorry Dean, I lost track of time. I was inciting rain, it can be time consuming.  _

_ Dean: you were making it rain? _

_ Cas: Yes, that’s what I said. There was a drought. I fixed it, though. Everyone is quite well now.  _

_ Dean: that's good. good job, Cas _

_ Cas: How was the hunt? Is the ghost handled? _

_ Dean: yeah I had her taken care of in no time. You should have seen me _

_ Cas: Of course you did. I had no doubt you’d take care of it. _

They texted quite a bit more before Dean went to sleep. The last thing Dean sent that night was a heart.

\---------------------------------------------------

The next day, the brothers began the nine hour long drive back to the bunker. 

"I can make it in six," Dean argued with Sam. 

"Dean, please…" Sam huffed.

"I'm telling you, I can. You know I'm a good driver. Fast driver. Got a good car. I mean, of all the ways we've died, we've never died in a car accident. That's impressive."

"Just… drive normally, please. What's your rush, anyway?"

Dean rolled his eyes and didn't answer. 

Sam gasped. “Oh, I know what it is,” Sam said in a sing-songy tune.

“Shut up, Sam.” Dean huffed.

“You miss Cas!” Sam taunted with a smirk.

Dean just rolled his eyes.

“Geez, I knew you guys were head over heels for each other, but you really can’t wait to get back. I never thought I'd see you love sick for someone.”

“Shut up, Sam. He’s not even at the bunker.”

“Oh shit, where is he? Did you fight?”

“No, no. He was in Africa last night I guess. He only meant to stay a day but he said it takes a long time to make it rain.”

Sam snorted and shifted in his seat to face his brother. “ _ Dean _ . He - an angel - made it rain. In  _ Africa _ ? Really?”

Dean gave him a thoughtful look. “Uh, yeah, that’s what he said - Oh shit!” Dean gasped and turned to Sam in excitement.

In unison they said “He blessed the rains down in Africa!” and cackled. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the bunker, Dean tried to ignore his phone. Cas was, as he’d suspected, not there. He didn’t own the guy. He didn’t have to hang around all the time. How was he going to look at an angel and tell him to wait around in the bunker for him? That was crazy. And Dean loved how happy Cas’ miracles made him. And there was something sexy about knowing your partner wants to make the world a nicer place. 

But Dean could feel that longing Cas was always talking about. At least now, he knew that it wasn’t permanent or hopeless. The feeling, however, was making him stir crazy. He wanted to do something grand, partly to get his mind off the fact that Cas wasn’t around at the moment, and partly to really impress Cas. What could he do to impress an angel who has lived for thousands of years? He thought and thought. Cas wasn’t really big into belongings. 

Suddenly, Dean had an idea. He got to work immediately. 

\---------------------------------------------------

Five days later, Cas finally came back to the bunker. He hadn't meant to be gone so long, but there were so many prayers. So many in need of a miracle. He just wanted to help people, that's all he'd ever wanted to do. 

Dean had been longing so badly, which seemed to compound his own longing. It was funny - spending time on earth, among humans, had made time seem so different. A few days would not even have registered to him as the passing of time before he raised Dean from Hell. Falling from heaven and falling in love (which he could now admit were very much related) made things seem so much slower. Days lasted longer. Maybe it was because he knew he would run out of days to spend with Dean at some point. 

The thought caused him to feel a tightness in his chest and an aching despair. But he cast it aside. He would savor every day he could with his love. He felt a little guilty about spending time away, but he'd only just gotten his wings and powers back. He had needed to fly.

He walked through the war room and library and didn't see Sam or Dean. He ducked into Dean's room to find him lying on the bed on his stomach, writing something down in a small book. He looked up as the angel stood in the doorway. The hunter's face instantly broke into a mirthful smile. "Cas! I'm glad you're back, man."

Cas smiled back softly, already lost in Dean's twinkling jade eyes. "I'm glad to be back," he said warmly. He wondered in that moment why he'd ever left. Then again, he knew from experience that sometimes walking away from what you love for a time can make the return all the sweeter.

"Follow me, come on, I want to show you something!" Dean said excitedly, leaping to his feet and practically dragging Cas by his hand out of his room. 

"Where are you taking me?"

"I did something - made something, I guess. You'll like it. I know you will. Well, I hope you will, at least," Dean chattered, leading Cas up the stairs and out the bunker door and into the overcast light of day.

Castiel grinned at the exuberance and excitement Dean had in this moment. He had dreamt of seeing Dean happy, but he never really thought he could be a part of that. 

They made their way up to a small wooded area on the hill the bunker was set inside of. At the top, a small circular area had been carefully cleared. A log had been laid down and stripped, stained and sanded to make a sitting area along one edge. There was a bird bath and a small pond with a fountain. There were stepping stones in paths laid carefully. There was a bird feeder and hummingbird feeder. There was a bowl under a makeshift roof at the base of a tree filled with feed corn for squirrels. In clusters all around, there were all sorts of hearty flowers that looked freshly planted in bright spots of color. In the center of it all was a wooden beehive. 

Dean was practically bouncing with excitement as he watched Cas' reaction. The angel was in absolute shock as he took it all in. He walked around the clearing along the stepping stone paths, trying to absorb it all. As he looked at everything, a disbelieving smile spread across his face. After what felt like ages, he looked back at Dean, smiling brilliantly and slowly shaking his head.

"You did all this? For me?"

Dean nodded and smiled back. He bashfully put a hand on the back of his neck and shifted his weight back and forth on his feet. "Do ya like it, Cas?" he muttered quickly. 

"Oh Dean, it's perfect," the angel said, his voice breaking and tears threatening to spill. He walked over to Dean and kissed him gently, quickly, twice, then came back in and kissed him very slowly, deepening the kiss over time.

They stayed like that for a while, just enjoying one another. When they finally broke their kiss, Cas looked deeply into Dean's eyes with a burning intensity. Everytime they did that, it gave Dean goosebumps. It always had. But knowing it was just as intimate as he'd always hoped through the years made it so much more special. 

"Dean, no one has ever done anything like this for me," Castiel said quietly, embracing him and nuzzling the hunter. Dean chuckled softly. "Well, that's stupid. People should do more for you. You deserve it. You deserve more than this. You deserve everything," he said, his voice breaking a bit. 

_ No chick flick moments _ ,  _ keep it cool,  _ he told himself. Then, a moment later, he thought about it.  _ Actually, this whole thing is pretty chick flicky. I built him a secret garden. Ah, fuck it. It's Cas.  _ He smiled and sniffed a little holding back a happy tear. 

"Come here, sit down," Dean said, leading Cas by the hand over to the log bench. 

"Did you do this Dean?" Cas said, sliding his hand across the smooth wood before taking a seat next to Dean. 

"Yeah, I did. I went to the hardware store and got a bunch of tools and flowers and the bee stuff and everything, then I just worked on it constantly. I was excited to surprise you. I wanted to do something special," the hunter said with a lopsided grin and a shrug. 

"You did a beautiful job. Not just in this, all of it," Cas whispered softly, relishing the moment. He was burning everything about this into his memory. He had never gotten a gift from anyone besides Dean before, except the tie from Claire. Usually they were small but very meaningful like the Zepp mixtape. This was beyond that, this man had taken hours - no,  _ days _ \- out of his life and worked and labored and done things he couldn't care less about. All just to make him happy and for no other purpose. Cas was awestruck by the enormity of the gesture. 

"You can come here to watch the bees and observe the flowers, Cas. There are no bees in there yet, but I figured you'd know what to do about that better than me," Dean babbled excitedly. 

Cas savored these moments where Dean bubbled with childlike excitement. When he saw Dean in these effusive moments, he could see a genuine joy in him. Perhaps because he was more uninhibited by the social constraints of manhood, or adulthood, or perhaps simply because he'd never been allowed to relish moments like these when he actually  _ was _ a child. Castiel wasn't sure, but it warmed his heart. 

The angel chuckled, still looking around. "Yes, Dean. I'll get some bees, that's no issue. It will be very nice to come here and enjoy this…amazing, beautiful space you've made," he spoke softly. Finally, his eyes found Dean's gaze again, with a glowing sentimental smile. 

Cas jerked back and furrowed his brow, taken by surprise suddenly. A cool raindrop slid down his face. 

Dean sighed And started to stand up. "I guess we have to get back inside -"

Cas shook his head with a slight smile and held a hand up. He didn't say anything, he just lifted his wing above Dean to give him shelter from the rain.

"Let's stay. Please? It's so nice here." 

It was Dean's turn to chuckle and look at his angel misty eyed. "Yeah, Cas. We can stay," and pulled him into a soft embrace. "We can stay as long as you like," he whispered into Castiel's ear, holding him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, the Toto joke was dumb, please forgive me, haha >_< I was very tired when I wrote that and I was determined to make that joke.
> 
> As always, your comments and kudos make my day! You all have been so encouraging! Let me know your thoughts! I love y'all! <3


	6. Love is Not Proud, But I am so Proud of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean summons up the courage to speak his heart, and Cas is proud of him.  
> There is a lot of anticipation for something they are looking forward to, but they have to wait and they are both impatient.  
> Dean takes his turn to top seriously and Cas is very intent on letting Dean know who's in control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, this is a long chapter, folks! I hope you enjoy it! It's REALLY fluffy in the beginning but you get the paydirt (absolute smut) in the end. The fluff is so cheesy, don't hate me. I just think Dean and Cas would watch old rom-coms together, it's a silly headcanon. XD

For weeks, the pair continued their quiet romance. They went off and did their work - hunts, and miracles - and rejoiced when they were together again. They kept their separate rooms in the bunker, but usually, they spent time together in Dean’s room or watching movies in the Dean Cave together when they could. It sometimes hit Dean how crazy it was that a divine angelic immortal creature would take the time to watch movies with him. Movies he didn’t even like that much and, thanks to that asshole Metatron, already knew the plot of most of the time. 

Likewise, Castiel felt incredibly touched by all the little ways Dean went out of his way to make him happy. He would buy little baubles for the garden or come up with Cas as he tended to the bees and flowers just to talk and help him. Dean didn’t care about flowers or bees for that matter. But he listened to Cas explain the importance and divine intellect that bees actually displayed and the role of flowers in that. He didn’t care at all, but he never acted bored or like it wasn’t important. It was important to Castiel. That’s all that mattered. 

One night after a few days apart, Dean lay exhausted in his room. He fell upon the bed and lazily kicked off his boots. Cas wasn’t back yet. He was too tired to pick up his phone. 

“Cas,” he spoke softly to the empty room, “If ya got your ears on… I miss you.” He laughed, “I know it’s just been a few days. Shit. I’m just totally smitten for you, I swear. I’ve never had this with anybody. Everything’s always been different with you, though. Always. I just wanted to say that before I fell asleep, just that I miss ya… Jack bless us all, amen,” he said sluggishly with a chuckle, eyes already closed and the sweet darkness of slumber dragged him into dreams.

When he awoke, Castiel was sitting in the chair by his desk. “Hello Dean,” the angel said quietly.

Dean was a bear when he woke up under most circumstances, but when he woke to that damned perfect angel these days, it helped a lot. 

Dean yawned loudly and stretched. “I need coffee,” he groaned, but still flashed a smile at his angel. He sat up and rubbed his eyes.

Castiel grabbed a fresh cup off of the desk behind him and handed it to the righteous man without a word.

“Sweet Jesus, what would I do without you,” he said, grinning. 

“I have no idea. You’ve made some terrible decisions without me in the past. Likewise, however, I’m not sure what I would do without you, I’ve made truly awful choices without you, too. I would take that to mean we should spend most of our time together,” Cas jested.

Dean playfully glared at him as he sipped the coffee. "What are you doing back, sunshine? Run out of miracles?"

Cas smiled. "No, there is plenty to do. But I received a prayer last night that needed to be answered. It brought me back here."

"Oh yeah? And what was that?" Dean asked.

"You don't remember? You prayed to me."

"No. I was pretty tired. What did I say?"

"You just said you missed me. It was very endearing. I made my way back then."

Dean blushed. "Yeah, I guess I did miss you, Cas," he mumbled into his coffee.

"I missed you too, you know. You don't need to be shy. It's only me," Cas uttered softly, looking at Dean intently. 

The hunter didn't say anything, he just smiled and nursed the coffee. 

Cas stared him down as he made his way to sit in the bed with Dean. He gingerly took the coffee from the hunter and set it aside, then cupped Dean's face and dove into him for a hungry kiss, impatiently licking into his mouth and nipping at his lower lip. As he pulled away, Dean looked absolutely, hopelessly enamored. He gave Cas a surprised smile.

"What was that about?" He breathed softly.

Cas leaned in close and whispered, "I think you should make love to me tonight. I think you should be inside me."

Dean's heart raced and his morning wood got a second wind. Dean's eyes went wide and he nodded eagerly. 

"Yeah? You mean it?" 

"Of course I do, why else would I say it?" Cas said, furrowing his brow.

"We just haven't… done it that way before. It's kind of a big deal, right?" Dean asked. 

"Yes, it is." Cas confirmed, "but I want to."

"I mean we haven't even… done it that way since the time you -...in me, ya know?" He floundered with some inconsistent arm gestures, bewildered and excited, losing his capacity to form coherent sentences. 

"You mean penetrative intercourse? Yes, I know. We're usually too impatient for the preparation - well, due to your insistence on not using my grace. That's why I said we'll do it tonight. So we have time to acclimate and we know to go slowly." 

Dean didn't really want to wait all day, but he was so joyfully confused that he just nodded and grabbed Cas for another amorous, thirsty kiss. 

Dean knew that Cas had, a few times over at this point, lost his virginity obviously. But in his mind, this was sort of like that. That's what it had felt like to him, in a symbolic sense at least when Cas had penetrated him. 

He went through the day thinking of ways to make it special for the angel. He cleaned his room, he changed the sheets, he brought in some candles - they usually used them for rituals, but tonight they would be for ambiance. Dean had never really tried to make it special for any of his partners before, but Cas was different from all those people. He was special. 

Dean began to fixate on making the experience perfect. He made sure they had plenty of lube and set out some washcloths and things, even though he knew Cas would mojo them clean. He wanted to put the effort forth at least. At one point he thought about music, but he decided that was just a bridge too far and nixed it. He did grab some other things from the bunker and bring them into his room, just in case.

He looked at the clock. It was only 10 in the morning. He sighed. It was going to be a long day.

He went out to the garden where Cas was tending to the flowers. Cas gave him a soft smile as he worked. "Hello, Dean," he said. Cas went on to tell him about all the flowers, how they were doing, and their various meanings. After that, Cas rolled up his sleeves and knelt in front of the hive, carefully harvesting the honey. Occasionally he gave Dean some information or anecdote about something with an affectionate smile. 

At that moment, Dean wished he could preserve memory in perfect detail. Looking at Cas, bathed in sunlight, working on something that brought him joy, smiling, warm, affectionate… seeing Cas' wings stretched comfortably in the outdoors, shining in a dark rainbow of light in the sun… it was idyllic. It was something he wanted to remember always. Dean felt his heart leap. 

_This is the time. Look at him, Winchester. Say it. You can say it. He deserves to hear it_ , he thought. The words felt like a caged bird, fluttering around in his chest. Dean felt fit to burst. 

"Cas," he said urgently, interrupting what the angel was saying about the divine uses of honey. Castiel turned to him, arching an eyebrow. He had a dripping honeycomb in one hand and a jar in the other.

Cas nodded, encouraging him to speak. "Yes, what is it?" He asked, curious.

Dean felt dizzy. He wanted to say it. "I need to tell you something," he stalled.

“Of course, Dean. Tell me.”

Dean was silent, blushing fiercely.

"Are you alright?" Cas said, concerned.

"Yeah, no I'm great. I… Cas," he breathed, feeling his hands shaking a bit. He went to kneel next to Cas in the dirt by the hive, and grabbed his face, looking him directly into the eye. 

_Spit it out, for fuck’s sake_ , he said to himself. 

"Yes?" Cas asked, thoroughly confused at this point, unsure of what to do with the items in his hands.

"Cas, you're… you're everything to me. You're… Fuck, you're gorgeous, you're strong - not just super angel strength, but the strength of character and all of that. You're so kind and so smart. You're patient with me. You understand me. You give me space and compassion, whatever I need at the moment. Cas, please never leave. Please be mine. I need you, I…" he paused, giving Cas a soul searching, desperate look as he took a deep breath. 

_Just say it. Say it. You can say it. It's Cas. Say it!_ He thought, his heartbeat thundering in his ears.

"Castiel...I love you."

It felt like time froze. He couldn't hear the birds singing or the bees, or even wind through the leaves. It could have just been the two of them in all of the worlds at that moment for all Dean knew.

He then kissed Cas with perfect ardent care. He kissed him slowly and deeply and with every ounce of love he was feeling welling up in him. 

Cas was taken entirely by surprise, unsure of what to do with his hands since they were covered in honey and busy holding things, but passionately returning the kiss to the best of his ability. He tasted hot tears in their kiss.

When Dean slowly pulled away to breathe, Cas could see he was still crying silently. 

Cas breathed out slowly and smiled at him. "Dean Winchester, I am going to finish this, and then I am going to pin you to the ground and kiss you until you can't breathe." He said with a soft, stunned chuckle. "Dean, I love you too. I love you too." He affirmed with an earnest look and a slow nod, at which point Dean smiled a bit through his tears and nodded. 

Cas finished gathering the honey quickly with the help of his grace, also using it to clean his hands. As promised, he practically tackled the hunter to the ground and indeed, began kissing the tracks of the tears on his face fervently. 

"Dean, I love you too. I love you too," he repeated over and over. Dean's tears had not stopped flowing, but he was smiling. 

"Yeah," the hunter said with a ragged breath, "me too. I love you too," he repeated and began to softly sob. He gripped Cas in a tight hug and kissed him. 

Cas was relentless in showering Dean with kisses and affirmation of love. When Dean stopped crying, Cas slowly wiped his tears. He kissed him sweetly. 

When he let Dean break away to breathe, he looked into his hunter's beautiful green eyes and felt completely overwhelmed by the intensity of his own emotions, in an echo chamber with the sweeping waves of emotion Dean was giving off.

"Dean, I'm so proud of you," Cas said softly, cupping the man's face between his hands.

"What?"

"I'm proud of you," the angel repeated. Dean just looked confused. 

"That was brave. That was very hard for you. I know that. I'm proud of you."

Dean laughed. "Cas, I fight monsters and stop apocalypses for a living. I don't think saying 'I love you' counts as bein' brave."

"It does. You'd rather face a monster than say that."

Dean shook his head. "That's not true."

"No?" Cas asked, stroking his hands through Dean's hair as he spoke.

"No. No. I've wanted to say it for a long time. I wanted to," he whispered.

Cas whispered his name and kissed him yet again. 

"It is brave, Dean. Even if you wanted to, I know it was hard for you to say. I'm proud of you."

Dean held back another round of tears. "Stop," he whispered. He covered his eyes with one hand and grasped Castiel's hand with the other. He was squeezing tightly. "Stop," he said again.

"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas just hugged him and pressed soft innocent kisses to his cheeks. 

"No, no. I just… I need a minute." Dean said, half laughing half stifling a sob.

Cas embraced him, there in the dirt in the garden for a long time. "You and I have been through much together, Dean," he said after a while. 

"Yeah, we have, haven't we? Why was that so hard, huh?" Dean laughed. He uncovered his face and smiled nervously at Cas. "I love you," He whispered forcefully, then laughed, disbelieving could say it. It still wasn't easy, but it was like a part of him that had been locked down for a long time was free at last. 

"I love you too," Cas said, gazing tenderly at the hunter.

"I'm glad I could say it. You deserve to hear it."

"I'm glad you could say it too. Because you deserve to know you can say it and nothing bad will happen as a result. Your love is a blessing to me."

They lay there quietly, for a while. Dean embraced Cas fiercely, and Cas still kissed him over and over. He eventually migrated from his tear-stained cheeks to his lips, then down his neck, each kiss a bit more sensual and lingering than the last. Dean started kissing back, giving love bites down to Cas's shirt collar, and rocking his hips in a seductive rolling rhythm into the angel on top of him.

"It's very attractive to me when you express yourself," Cas whispered in a gravelly tone.

"Oh yeah? I can think of some things I'd like to express right now," he replied in a ragged voice. 

“No. Not right now.”

“No? Why?”

“I said tonight.”

“Right now seems good too, doesn’t it?”

“Tonight,” Cas stated firmly, then got up and got back to tending his bees.

“Cas, it’s not even lunchtime,” Dean complained. “Look at this!” he said loudly, gesturing to the erection tenting his jeans. 

“Oh, yes. I see it,” the angel replied with a smirk.

“What are we going to do about this then, smartass?” Dean snarked. 

“Hmm, well I would suggest you stop lying in the dirt, first off,” Cas muttered absent-mindedly, collecting honey with great focus. “Then you might consider going to your room and… what was it? Start ‘jacking off’.”

Dean knew the only thing that spared him from the air quotes was the task of honey collection.

He sighed dramatically and stood up. He closed his eyes and tried to think unsexy thoughts. The shower drain full of Sammy’s hair. Baby getting a flat - very unsexy. Shapeshifter skin. Ugh. But then he opened his eyes, and there was Castiel, an angel of the lord, in a white dress shirt rolled up to his elbows. His hair was sticking up all over the place in a deliciously mussed look. The tip of his tongue was sticking out a little as he concentrated on his work - which he could easily have done with grace. But no, Castiel was an artisan. He was going to meticulously and caringly collect the honey by hand. He just cut the comb and drained it bit by bit into his jars. Something about that was not unsexy at all. Something about that, was in fact, incredibly sexy. 

Dean sat on the log bench and closed his eyes, thinking of unpleasant thoughts again. _Go away_ , he willed. He thought more unsexy thoughts. His erection remained, unflagging. This made Dean frown at his crotch when he opened his eyes. Again, he was transfixed by the wonder of this holy creature, just doing things the hard way for no reason. Dean thought it was funny that Cas would use his grace to get the bees, to boost their productivity, establish a healthy hive, and put them to sleep so he could collect it, but then went through the pains of harvesting it by hand. The thought made him chuckle out loud. Cas turned to him for barely a moment, then was right back on his task. 

That seemed about right for Cas, though, didn’t it? The things that weren’t important to him he might rush past or brush by, but when it came down to the meaningful moments and the things that really mattered, he would always take the time. Like with Dean, he waited for years, never expecting anything in return. He did the hard work himself and never cut corners, every time.

Eventually, Cas had captured all the honey and honeycomb he wanted and seemed satisfied with his work. He woke the bees and took the two jars of honey over to sit with him on the bench. He opened one of the jars and dipped a finger into the thick golden liquid. Without saying a word, he brought his finger to Dean’s lips. 

“Open your mouth,” he demanded. Without any hesitation, the hunter did, eyes fixed on Cas. Cas put his finger, coated in honey, into his lover’s mouth. Dean licked it off in a tantalizing display that made the angel groan, and Cas wasted no time diving in for a sweet, sticky kiss. The kiss left them breathless and wanting. 

As much as there was a part of Dean that wanted to press the issue, he wanted more to respect Cas’s request to wait until that evening. He didn’t bring it up again that day. He tried to wait patiently for the evening to fall. The day seemed to drag on forever. 

He couldn’t even distract himself by pranking Sammy. He’d gone to visit Eileen and Dean was not going to intrude on his little brother’s good time. Plus, he liked Eileen. She was funny and Sam was always lighter and happier with her around. Not to mention that she was a great hunter. The two made a great duo. What she lacked in hearing never hurt her hunting skills a bit, so Dean assumed she found ways to compensate for that. He also liked that Eileen had taught him to say “bitch” in ASL so he could tease his brother silently if need be. Eileen was a good fit for Sammy.

“I’m going to go for a drive, Cas. I’ll be back. You need anything while I’m out?”

“No, enjoy your drive. Thank you,” was all Cas said. But a smirk and a glint in those blue eyes told Dean he was enjoying keeping him lost in the anticipation a little too much. 

Dean didn’t drive far before pulling over on the side of an old gravel road. He’d had a change of plans. 

“Oh, Castiel who aren’t in Heaven, I hope you’re listening to me,” Dean started his prayer.

“I know you’re enjoying this. I know you like keeping me on the ropes. Well, I like it too. I like it a lot. Too much,” he continued in a husky rumble.

“And I just can’t help it that I find my mind wandering back to you. God, the way to look at me… You look at me like you’re starving and you can't wait to get at me. What am I supposed to do? The way you arch that brow at me. The way you stare me down and pierce me with those fucking eyes, God, Cas!” He said.

“And it makes me want you. So bad. So I get what you’re doing. Making me wait, making me build up the anticipation. And it's working, you have me just where you want me. I just want you to think about what I’m going to do once I can finally get my hands on you tonight. I can’t wait. If I have to walk around thinking about it all day, so do you. I want you to think of how I’m going to kiss you. I'm gonna make it so good tonight, sunshine. I'll be patient for you now, but I want you to think about how I’m going to stretch you so good for me, how I’m going to find that sweet spot and just...,” he groaned salaciously, “I’m going to make you come so fucking hard tonight, and I don’t care if you take out all the power in Lebanon, I’m going to make you do your freaky grace explosion when you do, I fucking love that. You’re going to let me at those wings and I’m going to make you scream until you go hoarse. I'm going to fuck you and love you senseless. You got it, Cas?”

Satisfied, he put the car in gear and kept driving. 

"Hello, Dean," Cas said when he arrived home an hour later. 

Dean put his hands in his pockets and gave Cas a smoldering look. "Hey," was all he said. 

"Quite a speech. You're terrible, you know. Using a divine method of communication with a holy being to say things like that," Cas said, sauntering up to the hunter with that eyebrow arch that made Dean weak in the knees every time. 

But this time he wasn't going to back down. He stared Cas down, undeterred. "I know," he purred. 

"You made some bold claims," Cas challenged.

"No. I made promises," he chuckled with a cocky grin. He grasped Castiel's tie and used it to pull him close and slowly leaned in for a kiss, making Cas close the distance. He kept a grip on the tie the whole time, and his other hand tugged lightly on his lover's hair as he kissed the angel slowly and unyieldingly. He rolled his hips against the angel twice, just to ensure he was hard.

When Dean released him from the kiss, he walked away abruptly toward the kitchen.

“Wait, where are you going?” Cas asked. 

“To wait until tonight,” he said over his shoulder with a sly grin. Cas scowled silently at Dean as he walked away.

Dean was in the kitchen making a sandwich. He pretended not to notice when Cas walked in behind him. 

“It’s 3:45 in the afternoon, Dean.”

“Hm, yeah, seems like it,” He said, taking a bite of the sandwich. 

“What time is ‘tonight’, do you think?” Castiel asked slowly.

“About 6,” was all Dean would say.

“I see,” Cas responded. 

"What do you want to do for the next couple hours, Cas?"

He walked up to Dean and touched his forehead. He glanced at the clock. "Oh look, Dean, it's 6 o'clock," he said, feigning surprise. 

"Cas, did you really just time travel us?"

Cas frowned and sighed. "No...not really. It takes a lot of energy to move through time. I just changed all the clocks."

Dean laughed and Cas changed them back, sulking a bit.

"This was your idea!"

"Yes, I'm aware. It was a terrible idea," Castiel breathed.

"I don't want to wait anymore either," Dean admitted. 

"Then let's not. The purpose was to set an expectation and build anticipation. We've done that, so let's not wait," Cas agreed.

"I dunno, Cas…" Dean said slowly. 

"Why?"

"I just really want you to be happy. You wanted this earlier, you wanted to wait then."

"Well, earlier you hadn't prayed to me or been so commanding. I don't want to wait," he growled, leaning in close to Dean's ear, "I want you to fuck me. That's what you promised. To fuck me and love me."

Hearing Cas echo his dirty prayer - not to mention cursing like that - sent a jolt of want through him. Something about an angel saying dirty sinful things was just the sweetest juxtaposition and it wrecked Dean everytime. 

But he wanted to stay in control this time. It was so easy to submit to Cas, to let him lead the way and feel the security in trusting him. But not this time. Also, it seemed like poetic justice for the stunt he pulled in the garden.

"No. No, I think we should wait. Do you want to watch a movie?"

Cas sighed and stared Dean down. Upon seeing he wasn't going to back down, he crossed his arms and muttered, "Not a western."

They went into the Dean Cave and rifled through the movies. Nothing actually sounded good to watch to Dean and Cas was not in the mood to give any additional input. Most of Dean's DVDs were westerns, classic horror films, some anime, and some kid's cartoons. In a drawer out of sight, he kept a secret stash of chick flicks. He wanted something Cas might enjoy, so he put in Miss Congeniality. "I took this movie from Sam. I think you'll like it," he said. The movie had never belonged to Sam, which Cas figured out immediately because he could tell Dean was lying, but he said nothing. "Sandra Bullock is in it. She's pretty and funny."

"I don't think Sandra Bullock is my type," Cas said, giving Dean a hungry once over. It made the hunter blush. 

"Oh yeah? Well, it's a romantic comedy movie, so I think you'll like the romance and I'll like the comedy."

"You like the romance too," Cas stated in a flat tone, brooking no argument. 

"Yeah, well, shut up. That's nobody's business," Dean said with a bashful grin.

"I disagree. I think your romantic proclivities are very much my business."

"Well, don't go runnin' your mouth about it to anyone else, okay?" The hunter said. "I have a reputation."

"Do you really need the traditionally masculine lothario reputation still?" Cas asked.

"Well, I… uh, no," Dean spluttered. "Anyway, let's just watch the movie." He said, blushing fiercely and hitting the play button with more enthusiasm than necessary. He flashed Cas a shy grin, though. Cas reluctantly returned it. 

After the movie, Cas had questions. "If they were attracted to each other, why did they consistently deny it?" 

Dean stared at Cas blankly for a moment. "Did you _really_ just ask me that question?"

"If you had asked me I wouldn't have denied it," Cas said matter of factly. 

"Well I wouldn't have asked you, it's not something that comes up in casual conversation. It took me being crazy drunk and thinking you were trying to kiss me for us to get together. And it's still not something we actually talk about that much," Dean explained. 

"Humans are stupid," Cas sighed, shaking his head. 

"Hey! Watch it! It's not like you ever asked me, either."

"If I had, you wouldn't have lied?"

"Um… I don't know."

Cas rolled his eyes. "Gracie reminded me of you."

Dean looked at him, surprised and confused. "Cas, I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this," Dean said covering his face with his hands, "but HOW did a lady FBI agent _beauty queen_ remind you of _me_?" 

"She too found strength and comfort in traditionally masculine gender stereotypes and had a desire to keep others safe. She struggles to follow orders," Cas gave him a pointed look here, "and her hobbies include eating and watching tv."

Dean shook his head. "I hate this conversation," he whispered. 

"Why? It's all true."

Dean looked around, trying to find a way to change the subject. "Wow, Cas, would you look at the time? It's 5:56." Dean said with exaggerated enthusiasm. 

"Oh, it is, yes," Cas said calmly, giving Dean a look that made him go weak in the knees. 

Dean sprang up from his chair and gave Cas a playful eyebrow wiggle before he made his way to his room. He quickly lit the candles before the angel came in, blushing because he felt suddenly embarrassed. _This is so cheesy,_ he thought. _Cas doesn't care about this stuff._

He straightened a wrinkle on the sheet, then felt immediately self-conscious because they were definitely about to do more than wrinkle them.

_Jesus, Winchester, pull it together,_ he told himself. 

He tried to lay seductively on the bed, then felt awkward so he sat up. Then he stood up, pacing and wringing his hands. 

Finally, Cas made his way into the room and shut the door. 

"What took you so long, man? Did you get lost on the way here?" Dean joked, trying to sound confident.

Cad gave him a quizzical look. "I waited until six. We had four minutes."

Dean couldn't help but laugh. "You really took it to heart when I told you not to change all those years ago, huh?"

Cas just tilted his head. "We didn't come to an agreement when I suggested we… engage earlier in the day." He looked around the room with a soft smile. "You lit candles? I like them." 

Dean smiled at Cas. The angel had him completely. Dean held his gaze for a moment the humor of the moment passing and the anticipation of the day coming to the surface once again.

He swaggered up to Cas. _He liked the tie thing,_ Dean thought. So he grasped his tie and pulled him close, looking into those sapphire eyes before closing the distance in a searing kiss as he backed Cas against the door and pinned him there.

He released the tie and began letting his hands roam and smoothly shove layers of clothing away from Cas's strong shoulders. It always mystified him how Cas's clothing could move right through his wings as if they weren't there, yet Dean could see and feel them. Angel mojo could be confusing, but as he pulled Cas' trenchcoat off, he was grateful for whatever complicated magic allowed it. 

Cas started pulling on Dean's shirt and Dean feverishly began fumbling with Cas's tie and shirt buttons. They were breathing heavily as they broke apart for a moment so Cas could pull Dean's shirt over his head, which he threw down before Dean instantly descended on him, kissing his jaw and neck with urgent fervor, drawing sweet noises from the angel. They were moving impatiently, mouths locked, bodies close and writhing. Dean suddenly stilled and pulled away from Cas. He looked into his eyes with an unquenchable thirst, and slowly unbuckled his angel's belt. He tossed it down and got to work on his fly.

When he got it open, the hunter took a moment to admire Castiel's delectable hip bones. Dean had been with many women and a good number of men, but he had never seen such beautifully carved hip bones like these. It really did something to him. Dean ran his thumbs back and forth along each ridge of bone, and placed a small kiss on the hollow of each side of the sharp edges of the angel's 'delicious looking hips. Dean began to kiss and suck along the sharp ridge on his left hip, leaving a trail or purple marks. Cas moaned and writhed under Dean's attention. The hunter admired Cas with a dark look for a moment as he pulled away to admire his handiwork, stroking the jut of each hip with his thumbs before pulling his lover's remaining clothes off completely, leaving him naked.

Dean cruelly ignored Cas's aching cock in front of him, instead turning slightly to focus on the wings. From down on his knees, Dean could reach the longer primary feathers of Castiel's wings. He carefully laced his fingers through the feathers and admired them. He loved the blue-black color, the vague misty glow of the feathers, and how little reflective iridescent rainbows graced them where the light hit. 

Dean gasped at the feeling of the grace jolting through him as his hands made contact. He would never get used to that. He could feel Cas' wings shivering slightly as he dragged his fingers down, letting the feathers slide between his fingers. Cas was gasping, looking down at the hunter hungrily. 

"Dean," he rumbled.

"Yeah, I've got you, sweetness," Dean breathed. "Let's get you on that bed."

Dean stood up, then scooped the angel into an awkward bridal carry, which Cas didn't seem to understand or like that much judging by his flailing arms and nonplussed expression. Dean chuckled and carried him the short distance anyway, trying to avoid crushing his wings. He strained a little bit, although he tried not to show it. Cas was just a lot denser than he looked. The huge suit and trench coat made him look skinny, but he was ridiculously fit and muscular under all those layers.

Dean laid him down carefully, then shed his jeans and the rest of his garments eagerly. He then spared no time in diving on top of the angel, kissing down his chest and stomach. 

He looked at Cas, who had his lust-blown eyes fixed on him. "You do know that...I love you, right Cas?" Dean whispered to him. He didn't think he could say it all the time, but today was special.

"Yes, I know. I love you too, Dean,” Cas said, his voice tense.

“I want to make this good for you. It’s your first time like this.”

“Yes, like this.”

“I want it to be special for you, Castiel,” 

Cas smiled softly at the use of his proper name. “It will be special, Dean. It’s always special with you.”

Dean smiled, a bit shy. “I feel the same about you. ”

Cas gave him an intense look. He couldn’t help it. Dean’s soul was vibrating with energy, moving beautifully, bright, and dazzling. The thing that always struck him is that Dean always stared back, just as intensely. He couldn’t see grace or souls, but he never backed down from the intimacy of Cas’ gaze. 

“Cas,” Dean said, voice husky. “Let me know if anything hurts, or you want me to stop, or slow down or anything. I wanna make this perfect for you.”

“Don’t be nervous. You cannot do anything with your body that can cause me pain. I’m an angel,” he said with an inviting smile.

Dean nodded and kissed Castiel sweetly on the lips and gently squeezed his arms, letting his hands roam up and down along his shoulders, then drifting back to caress the alula of Cas’s wing. He peppered soft kisses up and down his lover’s neck, nibbling his earlobe softly.

Finally, he kissed a path down the angel's abdomen, all the way down to his leaking cock. Dean hummed softly, looking up at Cas, then slowly licked him from base to tip. Cas arched his back and groaned in a needy tone that made Dean wild. He teased the angel with small, soft licks at the tip, lapping up the precum eagerly. Cas writhed impatiently under him, hissing softly. 

Dean leaned over and grabbed the lube. "Are you ready, Cas?"

"Yes, please. You're going so slowly," the angel complained. Dean gave him a dark chuckle at that. 

Dean cautiously began to open him up. He took care to do it slowly, watching for any pain in his angel's reaction, despite his earlier reassurance. He started with one finger, amazed at how hot and tight Cas was. He set a slow, sweet rhythm. The hunter eventually worked up to three fingers, delighting in the way Cas twisted and turned in response, gasping and moaning. He wanted to get a big reaction, but he couldn’t quite seem to find the one he was looking for.

"Are you ready, Cas?"

"I've told you a hundred times, _yes_ ," Cas muttered impatiently. 

Dean readied himself and lined up with Cas, and then slowly pushed in. He took a shuddering inhalation, feeling Cas's heartbeat and the heat of him, the tightness. Likewise, Cas softly moaned Dean's name, closing his eyes. "Yeah, Cas, you feel so good," Dean whispered in awe of his lover. He stilled for a moment, watching Cas to see if he was ready. When Cas nodded, Dean began to move, slowly and tenderly. He was not about to rush through this. He closed his eyes and buried himself again and again. He squeezed the angel's muscular thighs, slowly letting his hand travel to Cas's achingly hard cock as he bucked into him over and over again with ardent vulnerability. 

"You're so gentle with me," Cas gasped. "You don't have to be."

Dean, lust drunk, took a moment to process his words. "Mmm, I want to be though," he said, voice breaking as he thrust in again. "Castiel," he sighed softly, drawing out the name, never wanting to stop.

"I like when you say my name that way," The angel moaned, digging his fingers into the sheets in ecstasy. 

"Oh, Cas, Castiel," Dean said, repeating it in similar iterations over and over again. Cas gasped and moaned more each time he said his name like that. Still, Dean wanted to find the spot that would make the angel truly lose it.

"Please, Dean, faster, please," Cas pleaded. Dean picked up the pace just a bit and added a twisting motion to the leisurely strokes he had been giving Cas' cock. 

"I like you like this," Dean breathed, "at my mercy."

Cas gave him that sinful eyebrow arch and his feathers puffed immediately. The energy between them had instantly changed, but they kept moving together. Still, Dean couldn't shake the sense that Cas didn't like that.

"Is that what you think?" Cas said darkly, punctuated by a particularly salacious roll of his hips and grasping Dean hard around the waist, pulling him closer. Dean groaned desperately. 

"Well, maybe you aren't at my mercy right now," Dean said, voice strained, "but I can change that. Do you trust me?"

Cas hesitated for a moment, Dean couldn't tell if he was thinking or just lust drunk as he picked up the pace a bit, thrusting just a bit harder. Judging by the sound that drew from Cas, he must have hit that sweet spot. It still wasn’t the reaction he’d been hoping for, though. He felt a little embarrassed. He prided himself on being a thorough and generous lover. 

Cas looked him cautiously in the eye, then nodded once. 

Dean pulled out, causing Cas to grumble in frustration. "Be patient," he chided, and leaned over Cas and rooted beneath the pillow. He pulled out the Enochian handcuffs. "Thought this might be fun, even the playing field. You up for it, sunshine?" He said with a cocky grin. 

Cas looked surprised and a little uncertain. "You appreciate bondage?" He said slowly.

"No! Well… not a lot. It's complicated. Nothing weird. Do you wanna try this?" Dean jingled the cuffs.

Cas regarded them for a moment. "So I would truly be at your mercy. Is that a fantasy you entertain?" He said curiously. 

"Sometimes," was all Dean said. "I would be careful. I wouldn't do anything you didn't like. I want you to be sure, though."

"You could hurt me if I allow you to put these on."

"Yes. I could. But I don't want to."

"Then why?"

"You could always hurt me. I'm just human. But you don't. This just might open up trust and… ya know, that stuff. But if you don't want to, we shouldn't. It's ok." Dean smiled tenderly and put them aside on the bedside table. 

"No - no. I mean, yes. You can put them on me. I trust you." Cas said, holding his wrists out and swallowing hard. 

"Are you sure?" Dean said, hesitantly picking them up again. 

"Yes."

"You know about safewords, Cas?"

The angel just furrowed his brow.

"Eh, nevermind. Just, uh… you gotta promise to tell me if there's anything you don't like. You'll be disconnected from your grace, right? So things could feel a little different. Capisce?"

"Yes, I capisce," Cas said, holding his wrists out again. Dean clicked them on loosely and the sigils flashed. Cas gasped softly as he felt his grace become inaccessible. Cas's wings became duller and the muscles holding them looked suddenly slack. 

"Okay so far?" Dean asked, just a bit nervous.

"Yes, I'm okay," Cas affirmed.

Dean smiled. "I'll start simple," he said spreading his hands over Cas's chest and letting them roam to his shoulders. Curiously, he reached over to Cas' wing and softly touched the feathers. "Can you feel that?" Dean asked. Cas shook his head. "Not really. They're more or less numb. I can tell you're doing something, but I can't really feel it." 

Dean frowned. "That sucks."

"Can we get back to…?"

"Yeah, yeah, you got it," Dean chuckled, and he leaned down to kiss Cas deeply, squeezing his arms in appreciation, and rocking softly against him. He was a little shocked. Castiel was a patient lover when he was in control, but tonight - tonight he was needy and didn't want to waste a moment. When they broke away, Cas was already panting and writhing. "Oh," he said as Dean pulled away. 

"I guess it's a little different without your grace to dampen the effects?"

"Ah, yes. Very," he said with a desperate look. "I feel everything. So much… _more_. Please, Dean," was all he could think to say. 

Dean gave a dirty laugh. He let his hands wander down lower again, wrapping firmly around the angel's shaft. When he didn't move, Cas bucked into his hand with a breathy moan. " _Dean, please_ ," he insisted.

"Alright, alright, I hear ya," Dean said with a wink. He pressed a finger up to Cas's hole, gently testing. Now that he didn't have his grace active, Dean wanted to make sure Cas was still ready to go. Apparently, he was because he angrily granted out, "If you don't get your penis inside me now I will smite you."

Dean smiled and ignored him, and diligently kept at it with his fingers, checking that he could still get all three in comfortably. "Dean," Cas groaned and jerked at one point. 

"Ah, see! I _knew_ it!" He said, victorious. 

"If you don't shut up -," Cas started, but could not finish, as Dean covered his mouth with his hand. "No. It's my turn. You're mine now," he growled, then bit Cas's collarbone before getting back to his work. He grabbed his cock and looked into Cas's eyes hungrily as he pushed slowly inside, burying himself deep. 

"How do you feel, Cas?" Dean gasped, slowly removing his hand from Cas's mouth.

"Why do you think this is a good time to chat? Just _move_ ," The angel spat impatiently. 

"Cas," Dean warned, "I won't move until you talk to me. You did the same thing to me."

Cas huffed indignantly. "Yes, I feel _wonderful_ and I would feel much more wonderful if you would _please move!_ "

"As you wish," Dean said with a smirk, thrusting his hips and starting a dirty grind.

Cas was writhing and jerking, moaning loudly below Dean. "Oh - right there-!" He choked out. He was blissed out beyond sentences in under a minute and the only sounds coming from his mouth after that were loud, needy moans. 

“Yes, I knew it!” Dean roared in triumph, “I knew I found it earlier. Your damned grace was getting in the way.” 

The hunter was elated and now feeling self-assured by his lover’s reactions felt certain he was hitting that delicious bundle of nerves perfectly. Watching Cas come undone beneath him was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He saw Cas’s clenched jaw, muscled neck, rippling abdomen, all thrashing helpless in lust drunk euphoria under his own capable hands. He felt Cas’ hips meeting his in perfect, desperate timing, helping drive him deeper. He saw Cas’s hands clenching and unclenching, powerless. He delighted in the look of his blissed-out angel coming apart completely - all because of him. 

He kept it up for a while, but he was starting to worry that even with the handcuffs and Cas’ unhinged reactions that he wasn’t going to outlast the angel. Still, Dean was determined to make it good and he certainly felt that it was good. Cas had ruined him for anyone else. He kept grinding his filthy erotic rhythm relentlessly, a thrill running down his spine with each lewd sound Cas made. 

"Fuck, Cas," Dean groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and arching his back into it, grinding into Cas deep. That did it - Cas uttered a broken shout at that, spasming beautifully under Dean, and spilling his come, painting them both with hot white stripes. Dean was right behind him, feeling the tension low in his belly suddenly snap as he came, filling Cas up shamelessly.

They lay there, entangled, for a short time, breathing, the dewy sweat and come cooling between them. Dean pulled out with a hiss at the oversensitivity and released Cas from the handcuffs with a tired smile. He was happy to see Cas's wings perk up and return to their usual vibrance. 

He collapsed next to Castiel, half cuddling him. 

"You are incredible, Cas," Dean muttered with an exhausted but satisfied grin. 

Cas hummed appreciatively and put a clumsy hand softly on Dean's face. "That was very… that was amazing. I liked that...very much." He said, eyes glazed over in a postorgasmic stupor. "I … I haven't experienced anything like that before."

Dean chuckled. "Ditto. You're really something, Cas."

Cas didn't know what to say to that, so he just smiled and rolled into Dean's warmth and hummed softly, cleaning them with his grace. 

"That's so handy. Perks of an angel... lover, I guess," Dean said. 

"Yes, I do prefer it to having to move around. Moving sounds … terrible right now," he said with a frown. 

"There was no angel light show or grace-splosion," Dean complained. 

"Mm, yes. The handcuffs," Cas replied lazily. 

"Hm. Well, I'm glad it was good. I'm glad you can trust me like that." Dean said, now understanding why Cas had felt so honored when the roles had been flipped. 

"I always trust you. But Dean?"

"Mmm?"

"I was only at your mercy because I chose to be."

Dean snickered and playfully swatted at Cas. "Shut up, you feathered menace," he said, and Cas laughed. 

Cas held the hunter close, listening contentedly to the steady beating of his heart. Dean fell asleep and Cas laid with him all night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? So who's really in control here? ; ] 
> 
> Your comments and kudos make my day every time! Please let me know what your thoughts are! <3 You guys are the best! I have been so honored by the positive reception. You guys motivate me to keep going! <3 ^_^ I honestly have felt such a boost writing this, I hope reading it has helped y'all out, too.
> 
> Warning, I'm going to plot some LIGHT angst next chapter, but I *promise* it will be resolved by the end of the chapter!


	7. Love is Not Rude, But Sometimes You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas have a fight, but Cas comes back bearing gifts and they make up - on the Impala.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They fight for a while in this chapter, but only so they could have make-up sex. They're all better by the end! So don't worry, all the angst that builds up is resolved.
> 
> To be honest, I struggled with this chapter because I really didn't want them to fight in one sense, but I really had the make-up sex in mind and I wanted to make it happen. I feel like this chapter isn't the best I've done so far, and I'm sorry about that in advance, but I have something sweet planned for the next chapter that ties in and I think it will be easier to write that will hopefully make it up to you!

The first hurdle came during a hunt. It wasn't Dean's fault, which they both knew, but it did little to alleviate the difficulty. Castiel generally went to do "angel things", as Dean said when the brothers went on a hunt. This was the case when the brothers went hunting a succubus. It didn't sound like anything they couldn't handle. The trouble was, they'd only heard of succubi, they'd never actually fought one. Thankfully John's journal had some information and the bunker library had more lore. They found that they could be killed with a blessed silver knife or an olive wood stake dipped in lamb's blood. They brought both, of course. 

They were still woefully unprepared. The succubus bit Dean during a struggle to stake her in the heart. He then turned on Sam and began to continuously profess his undying desire to fuck her senseless, at which point she absconded with him to an ominous nest she had made in the woods near the edge of town, surrounded by an orb of thrashing thorny vines. By the time Sam caught up, he was mortified on multiple levels to discover the succubus had nearly finished undressing his venom-addled brother while dancing seductively before him, and Dean was incredibly enthusiastic about it, eagerly stripping off the last of his clothes. “I need brain bleach,” Sam muttered, trying to sneak closer, but he could not get close to them through her bizarre nest of shifting thorny vines he could not seem to cut through. He did shoot her, but she just hissed angrily at him and kept on going, giving Dean another venom laced kiss.

Sam would come to regret his next action, although he wasn’t sure what else to do. "Cas! Can you answer a quick prayer? Dean's in trouble!" Sam shouted urgently, looking at the sky Seconds later, Castiel appeared, looking rattled. Sam babbled that he shouldn't be mad at Dean, but before he could explain the situation, Cas froze. Through a part in the rapidly shifting enchanted vines, Cas could see her getting close to Dean and kissing him repeatedly with her venomous tongue, keeping him docile, excited, and under her spell. Castiel could see her true face, her monstrous nature. Sam saw the angel's face fall, then instantly screw up into an unbridled rage. 

Cas burned the thrashing vines to ash with his grace in seconds, eyes glowing fiercely. He advanced on the succubus, then violently ripped her away from Dean. She tried to bite Cas too, but he commanded Sam to cover his and Dean's eyes as he held the vile creature easily at arm's length. When Sam had covered their eyes - which Dean made difficult as he tried to fight Sam off and clamber toward his captor - Castiel smote her. Cas left behind only a charred skeleton. He made a disgusted face and threw her corpse down. He turned to heal Dean and expel the venom from him. This was difficult because Dean was struggling against Sam angrily, protesting the death of his captor. Once healed and freed of her venom, Dean looked shocked to realize he was naked in the middle of the woods next to a charred skeleton, Castiel, and his brother for a moment before the reality hit. 

Dean grabbed his shirt off the ground and covered his groin, pushing Sam away from him, standing up and looking panicked at Cas. “I didn’t - she- I-I... She bit me!” he said, pointing dramatically at the lifeless pile of smoking bones on the ground. Cas just looked at him and silently waved his hand. Sam sighed with relief, realizing Dean’s body was no longer bare before him. 

“Thanks for mojo-ing his clothes back, Cas. He was showing his ass,” Sam snickered. 

But Cas didn’t laugh. He just stared at Dean with a broken expression. Of course, he knew that Dean didn’t choose that, but it didn’t make it any less confusing. He wasn’t mad, but there was something unfamiliar and unwelcome he was feeling. What if Dean could be tempted away from him? The image of her seducing his eager hunter played again and again in his mind. 

The second strike came just three days later. Dean, Sam, and Cas were having a quiet evening in the bunker, reading and cataloging the Men of Letters library and adding their notes and extra information where needed at Sam's insistence. 

Suddenly, Cas looked at Dean. "What should I call you?" Cas asked him, apropos of nothing.

"Um… ‘Dean’ has worked pretty well so far, I think,” he said with a puzzled look.

"What 'are' we, though? It’s an important conversation to have.” Cas inquired, closing the book he had been annotating to do air quotes. 

Dean just looked at Castiel with a dramatic shrug. Sam looked like a deer caught in the headlights and stayed silent, glancing slowly between the two.

"What are you even asking me, Cas? Is this about the… succubus thing?" Dean asked, firmly placing the book he'd been working on down on the table, visibly cringing as he said the word. Oddly, Cas seemed to be talking to him, yet also ignoring him.

"Are we… exclusive? Or more of a ‘hookup’ or ‘talking’ arrangement? Friends with benefits? Boyfriends? No, that sounds infantile. Partners? You do like cowboys, so there’s a nice parallel there," he rambled, looking off in the distance. 

Dean stared at Cas, completely lost. "Uh, I hadn't thought about a label for us. We're together. That's what's important, right? Besides, can't this wait for _later_?" Dean said, dramatically cutting his eyes toward Sam and then back to Cas.

"But how should I introduce you? It seems important."

Dean gave him a baffled look. "To who?! You don't know anyone I don't know!"

Cas looked at him blankly, then looked away. He thought for a moment. “There are many angels you’ve never met. I might want to introduce you to one of them at some point."

“What? You don’t even like them! What - what even brought this up, man?” Dean asked, no less baffled, cheeks turning crimson. 

Cas looked away again. “Research,” was all he said. 

“Research? Are you deep in the Cosmos and Better Housekeepings and shit again? You’ve got to stop that, I told you!” Dean said, frustrated. 

He was sure this had to do with the unresolved tension from the succubus issue, but he wasn’t interested in talking about that either. He knew it had bothered Cas more than he would say, but it wasn't Dean’s fault she'd bitten him. But he and Cas hadn't so much as held hands since the incident. 

“It’s important for me to understand my role in this, how to meet all your emotional needs and to _keep_ you," Cas stated, clearly becoming vexed. Dean flinched at the emphasis on "keep". Cas crossed his arms and bit the inside of his cheek, looking at Dean.

Sam tried to turn his focus to the book that was open in front of him, unwilling to acknowledge the conversation at all. He read the same sentence probably four times just to try and force his mind elsewhere.

“What role, Cas? There’s no role! Just be you! We talked about this for fuck’s sake," Dean barked.

Cas glared at Dean. “I’m trying to do this for you, to handle your expectations and desires in a human relationship, to satisfy you. I don’t know what is normal or abnormal in this.”

Dean sighed, his eyes wide, face hot from blushing. “Cas, what the fuck man? Everything is fine - now can we please talk about this later? Or even better, _not at all_?” he grated out, giving Cas an aggravated look.

There was absolute silence after that for a while. Cas looked him in the eye, holding his gaze sternly for what felt like an eternity, waiting for the hunter to say something. Dean stared right back, jaw clenched. 

“Certainly, Dean,” the angel said coldly, "if that's what you prefer, we won't talk about it at all," and with a flapping sound, he was gone. 

“Dammit, Cas! Don’t be like this!” Dean yelled, leaping from his chair, looking around even though he knew he was long gone. “Dammit!” Dean paced furiously for a moment and threw his book across the room.

He paced around a bit and sighed heavily. He picked the book up, giving Sam a pointed look to indicate he better not say anything, then sat back down and felt determined to pretend nothing happened.

Dean looked up a minute later and caught Sam’s eye. “What are you looking at? Shut up,” Dean grumbled. 

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to, just... Shut up!” 

Sam rolled his eyes and turned back to what he was doing. They worked in silence for almost an hour, although Dean was flustered and wasn’t getting much done. He was fidgeting restlessly, clicking his pen furiously. 

What he didn't say to Sam is that he felt a deep aching fear the second Cas disappeared. What he didn't say is that he knew he fucked up. He didn't say that he hated Cas leaving, and he was too proud to call him back, and he didn't say that he was going to pretend everything was fine.

Sam sighed. He didn’t want to be the one to talk to Dean about this, but he was clearly going to have to. After a particularly irritating round of pen clicking, Sam spoke up. 

“Dean, you know he’s just trying to level with you in a human way, understand you. He's doing his best. And it had to be weird for him, you know. Seeing you with the succubus and all. I’m guessing you guys haven’t talked about that.”

Dean’s expression became blank and closed off as he gave Sam a resentful blank stare, but Sam knew he was listening despite his efforts to look too disinterested to do so. Spending so much time together had gone a long way in dismantling Dean's mask over his feelings. 

“Maybe you should go easy on him - and maybe try to find out some angel uh, courtship stuff that would be special for him, like as a gesture, meet him where he is, you know? I mean, like he said, he has no idea what’s normal or not, so it makes sense that the guy would want to try to find out what to expect. It’s gotta be scary to not know what that’s like, it’s like a whole different language for him,” Sam offered awkwardly with a shrug. 

Dean stared at his brother for a moment, furiously blushing. His mouth opened, then he closed it again. He looked away, then back at Sam, and sighed. “I didn’t do anything wrong with the succubus, that just happened, that’s what succubi do. She was a monster, I got envenomated!" He said indignantly.

Then he sighed, calming slightly. "And look, I get that, about him trying to relate to me. I don’t know what’s normal either. I’ve never done this before, a real relationship or whatever - not really. Lisa… I loved her. Well, sorta. More like the idea of having that life. But my mind was always on something else and… it wasn’t right then. It’s complicated. It doesn’t matter, it’s…” 

He gulped and rubbed his face in his hands, taking a moment to compose himself here. He wasn’t good at this heart to heart bullshit. 

“Well the point is, whatever ‘normal’ even means for me and Cas ain’t gonna be in any ‘research’ - whatever that even _means_ \- that he could possibly do. They write those fucking magazines for lonely middle-aged women and their cheating husbands, not for... for, uh…" Dean’s face twisted and some emotion Sam couldn’t quite place flashed across Dean’s face. Dean blinked and seemed to push the thought away, and swallowed hard before continuing. “For uh… for people like me... and Cas. For dudes that hunt monsters for a living and for fuckin’ angels. There’s nothing in there for people like us.” 

He clenched his jaw when he finished speaking and looked down at the table. Sam let him process for a moment. He knew there was something deeper here his brother was trying to grapple with, so he just let Dean think for a bit.

A few moments later, Dean quietly murmured, “You probably have a point about the angel stuff though.” 

Sam sighed with a victorious smirk. “And how are you gonna figure out what angel stuff to do for him?”

Dean narrowed his eyes.

“C’mon, say it.”

“Ugh...research.”

“Nice how it comes full circle. And you also need to...?”

Dean thought for a moment. “Um… what?”

“You need to apologize, you need to talk to him. It’s healthy. You hurt his feelings. And you need to talk to him about what happened with the succubus the other night too. Explain your feelings.”

“Gross," Dean moaned, rolling his eyes 

“You’re the one being gross. Feelings are healthy.”

Dean gave Sam the most disgusted look and put away the book he’d been working on. He looked over in the section about angels for a new book. Sam smiled.

Sam’s relief was short-lived, however. Dean's wounded pride meant he wouldn't call Cas right away. "It's not like it's my fault he got his feathers all ruffled over nothin’, Sammy. He can come home if he wants to talk,” was all he would say when Sam asked about it.

\----------------------------------------------------

Three days later, Castiel heard a prayer of sorts.

_Cas. I need to talk to you._

Castiel sighed. He didn’t make any move right away. There were things he could be doing that were much more constructive than being at the hunter’s beck and call like some lost dog. He ignored the prayer. There were people in need all over the world he could help, monsters he could now smite again with no trouble. It felt good to be powerful again. 

It was another day after that he received a text.

_Dean: Cas, please_

He didn’t respond. If Dean hadn’t wanted him to leave he shouldn’t have pushed him away. He should have asked him to come home sooner. This always happened. 

A few hours later he got a call. He stared at the phone for a while. He thought about throwing it into the reservoir of contaminated drinking water he was purifying, but at the last moment he picked up instead. He didn’t say anything.

“Cas?”

“What,” Cas said, not like a question at all.

“Shit...You’re still pissed. I get it, okay? The damn succubus. Look - I didn’t want for that to happen, either! I didn’t like it. She bit me, you saw the bite with the sex venom! But, the other stuff...I know you were trying to talk to me in terms I could understand, human stuff. And I rejected you,” Dean babbled uncomfortably. He had not expected a hostile reaction immediately. 

“I’m well aware of that.”

Dean inhaled sharply reeling a bit from the anger in Cas’s voice. “I know that was wrong. I get it now. I’m sorry.”

There was a silence. It felt like a weight in Castiel’s chest.

Dean sighed and Cas heard a rustling sound. “Um, ok. I wanted to say this,” and he went on a long tangent in awkward, broken Enochian.

Castiel barked out a laugh. 

“What? I’m trying to reach you ‘where you are’ or whatever,” Dean grumbled.

“I don’t know what you were trying to say, but what you said…. It was a little hard to follow, but you said something about flaming light sources and quite a bit general gibberish, then something about the seasons.”

Dean was silent. “Uh… I guess I said it wrong.”

“I would hope. What were you trying to say?”

“I was trying to say… well," he said with a hard swallow and a slight pause, "Um, ok. 'It is the springtime of my loving. The second season I am to know. You are the sunlight in my growing. So little warmth I've felt before. It isn't hard to feel me glowing. I watched the fire that grew so low. It is the summer of my smiles. Flee from me, keepers of the gloom. Speak to me only with your eyes'," Dean recited awkwardly. 

Cas pondered for a moment. "I have no idea how you managed to say that so incorrectly. Did you translate it using one of John Dee's unpublished Enochian journals?" he asked with a chuckle despite himself. He softened a bit. "And the words - is that not plagiarism?"

"Honestly Cas, I have no idea who wrote this book. It looks old as hell and it's kind of falling apart. It smells like mold. I can barely read the English in it, forget Enochian. And yeah, I may have nabbed the words from a better poet than me," he said with a slightly bitter laugh.

Cas laughed softly. "That sounds right. John Dee was wrong about almost everything. You can’t be blamed for butchering that,” He said, which caused Dean to huff indignantly into the phone. “Dean, I'm still upset, but… I know I wasn't completely innocent in this. I was… bothered by the succubus. It upset me to see you with her - like that,” he spat, “and that’s not fair to you. She _violated_ you, I know you didn’t have a choice. I know she hurt you," he sighed. 

"I… I'm really sorry. I mean, about the other day in the bunker. I just panicked. I don't know why."

"After that night, I just wanted to understand what sort of things you might expect from me. What I could do to make you happy, to keep you from wanting to leave. From wanting to be with others. And - you made me the garden and I haven't known what that means or what to do," he uncharacteristically babbled. 

Dean knew for Cas to be this flustered he must be uncomfortable. For all Dean's emotional repression, Cas was unable to understand his emotions any better.

"No, you don't _do_ anything when you get a gift. You just say thank you and enjoy it. It just means I think you should have something you like, that I wanted you to have something you like, because you're awesome. You're Cas, you're...mine," he said softly. 

"But shouldn't I do something for you? Is a gift not usually a reciprocal action? I don't think you'd like a garden. Pie seems insufficient in comparison to a garden you built me. And what does it mean, a grand gesture like that? I don't know how to understand it on my own. Angels don't do these things," Castiel explained, frustrated. 

"You don't need to give me a gift. You… ugh, this sounds stupid, but - you _are_ my gift. I mean it. You are my gift. But... I hate it when you walk out like that, man. It kills me."

"It kills me when you want me to go," Castiel said, fighting off tears, "and you don't care if I leave. You didn't try to stop me, you didn't ask me to come back."

There was silence for a moment. The background static felt like it was a fire in their ears. 

"Cas," Dean said, voice breaking, "I never wanted you to go. I never said that. Please come home. I'm asking now. Please don't leave."

"Dean," he said softly, "your biggest fear is that what you love will leave you. But have you ever thought that distancing yourself from the people you love, rejecting them over and over is not the answer? That shame is not the answer? It's not just me. It's Sam too, it's others too. Even Jack," Cas said softly.

Dean was stunned for a moment. He breathed slowly while he took that in. It hit a little too close to home and it hurt. "If you know my biggest fear is you leaving, then why would you go? Why would you do that?" 

"Because _my_ biggest fear is that you want me to go, you want to be with someone else, and I struggle to believe I am worthy of your love and company," Castiel breathed sadly. 

Dean closed his eyes and took a ragged breath. Cas was so earnest when Dean asked him a question he always answered, no matter how hard the truth was for either of them.

"Cas, you gotta be joking. You're a literal angel. An _angel_ ," he said, stretching the last word forever. "How do _you_ struggle to know you deserve me? I’m just a human. Fuckin' nothing to an angel. How do I deserve you?"

"What do I have to offer you, Dean? Nothing," Castiel said.

"What are you talking about? You're an angel!" Dean said again.

"I know that, obviously. But I can't give you anything you don't already have. I have no way to enrich your life. I don't even know how to give you something as simple as a gift, I feel as though I'm helpless in this situation. I don't know what to do for you to show that I care. I don't know how to be worthy -,"

"No, stop. Stop right there. You said not to devalue myself anymore right? New rule, hotshot. You can't either. You deserve the world, Cas, you deserve everything. And I can't give you a normal life either! What, you think I expected a white picket fence and two and a half kids? Have you met me?" Dean said, equal parts frustrated and lovesick. 

"I was never going to have that. That's not something… people like me get, okay? That's not even what I want. What I _want_ ," he said, inhaling deeply to try to stay calm, "is to just be _with_ _you_. You are worthy. Never say you aren't. Never,” Dean said his voice breaking.

Cas was quiet for a moment. He felt his head spinning, trying to absorb the things Dean had just said to him. 

“Cas, I just want you to come home. Please.”

Castiel hesitated. “I don’t know if I’m ready,” he said sadly.

Dean sighed out in a ragged breath. “Cas,” he said desperately. “I’m sorry.”

Cas sighed. “I will come home, Dean. I sense your longing. I sense your sorrow, your panic. Your love. I know you are genuinely sorry. I am too, I just… I need to think. I will come home. I will. I just need to do something first,” Cas soothed.

“Fuck,” Dean whispered, “When? When will you come back?” Castiel could hear the thickness and the desperation in his hunter's voice - he knew he was holding back tears. The angel felt a pang of guilt.

“Soon, soon. Within a day. Please, Dean. I need time and I need to do something. I’m just… I’m upset, confused. That’s difficult for me. I’m not meant to feel those things at all. I’m… different,” Cas lamented.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Dean scoffed ruefully, “different.”

“I’ll return as soon as I can, Dean. I’ll return. We will reconcile.”

“Yeah,” Dean muttered, “Sure.”

They ended the call shortly. Cas then began walking along the now clean bank of the reservoir, staring despondently into the water. Knowing they were not on good terms put a strange ache in his chest. He had thought these human feelings would become less, or go away now that he was at full power, but Jack had divulged something to him the day he powered him back up. Cas didn’t feel these feelings because of diminished grace, but because he had, through choosing humanity over heaven and fighting free will, gotten a soul. It would be, on its own, feeble. It was still growing, coming into being, but thriving alongside his grace. It was a shell of what it would one day come to be, if it was able to continue to grow by living among people he loved, doing the miracles he loved to perform, by loving the world he had come to know through Dean. The secret knowledge Jack had imparted elated him because he knew that now, Dean’s finite lifetime was not as strong of an issue. Because when Castiel died, he’d be able to live in Heaven - with Dean.

It also somewhat helped Cas to cope with the emotions within him, and their growing strength despite his returned grace. He felt joy like he’d never felt, love like he’d never dreamed, but in these moments when he felt despair, sadness, he could barely understand how humans lived through it. The heartache he felt was more real than any injury his vessel had ever sustained. The knowledge it would one day allow him to stay in Dean's Heaven was worth it all.

\----------------------------------------------------

That evening, hours later, Cas came home. He could sense Dean's longing so strongly. Dean was in his room, laying on the bed, listening to music, eyes closed and nodding somberly along to the rhythm of "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. That's where he'd spent the last three days, for the most part, listening to melancholy music. Sam came in a few times and told him to stop "throwing an emo shit fit," but it did nothing to stop him. Every time Sam came into his room to bitch, he just turned the volume up louder and picked something sadder, not that Sam could hear it when he wasn't in the room anyway with the warding. 

When Dean opened his eyes and Cas was standing silently in the middle of the room, he squawked in surprise before scrambling to his feet and standing before the angel. 

"Cas!" He exclaimed, partly overjoyed that he was home, partly dreading whatever came next. 

"Hello, Dean. Come with me, I have something to show you," he said, looking strangely serious. He led the hunter out to the garage and over to Baby, who was shining and cleaner than Dean had left her. Dean chuckled. 

"You washed her? Geez, she’s never looked this good. I mean, honestly, she’s looking like new. What’d you do, Cas?" he asked with childlike glee.

Cas nodded. "A thorough detailing, using grace to get out impurities you could never reach. I know this car is very precious to you. Now, look inside."

Arranged neatly in the back seat was a case of whiskey, six pies, a suede stetson, and a small white box. 

Dean chuckled. "What is all this, Cas?"

Cas shifted nervously. "Gifts," he said simply. It was obvious that the angel was unaccustomed to giving gifts and that he attributed volume to what made a gift go from good to better. Dean smiled at the naivety. 

"I told you that you didn't need to do that," the hunter said, shaking his head slightly. Things were feeling better now that Cas was back, but there was still something peculiar between them. Something didn't feel right.

Dean began taking the items out slowly and looking them over, starting with the hat. 

"Oh, this is a real nice one, Cas," he said, smiling as he admired the soft brown leather and stamped silver embellishments, turning it over in his hands. Cas glowed as he admired the excited smile on Dean’s face. Dean put it on. “What do you think?”

“Exceptional,” Cas said with a slight smile. Cas didn't care about the hat, but Dean's smile certainly was lovely.

He took out the pies next. "Geez, did you get one in every flavor? Apple… cherry, blueberry, peach… strawberry… oh, man! Dutch apple too? I don't know how you want me to eat all these, but this is awesome, Cas," he beamed.

Castiel nodded nervously. For a celestial being whose true form was the size of the Chrysler building, there were times when he looked small. It made Dean chuckle.

He lifted the case of fine whiskey from the seat and admired it, raising a brow at Cas. “A case? A whole case?”

"I wasn't sure it was smart to get this for you. Hopefully, it will last a long time. But I hope you enjoy it," Cas digressed with a sigh. Dean chuckled and gave him an appreciative smile. 

He set the whiskey down next to the Impala. Then he picked up the small white box curiously, looking at Cas. Cas nodded and gestured impatiently for him to open it. 

Inside were two silver necklaces, just small silver discs, one inlaid with a small blue half-spherical stone and one inlaid with green. The edges of the discs and around the base of the stones had some simple Celtic knotwork neatly lining the edges. They were simple and small, but elegant. Both were fixed on black leather cords. Dean held them both up to look at them, shining in the light.

"They are enchanted," Cas said, touching the green one. "When we wear them and we're apart, it will feel warm and we will feel it pulse along with the other's heartbeat. My heart usually beats, just much more slowly than yours," Cas explained. "Pick one. I'll show you," he said.

Dean hesitated for a moment. "Does it matter which one?"

"No. Just whichever you like best."

He put the blue one on. Cas adjusted the disc so it was flat against Dean's chest, then put the green one on himself.

"I'll go away for a moment so you can feel it, but I will return," Cas assured him, gently reaching out and squeezing his hand to reassure him.

Dean nodded and Cas disappeared. Within a second, Dean could feel the metal become pleasantly warm against his skin and he felt a slow, steady heartbeat emanating from it. He placed a palm over it with a soft smile, feeling comfort wash over him.

Cas reappeared after a minute. He stepped close to Dean and looked him in the eyes like he always did, so intensely Dean felt like he could feel the pressure of his gaze. 

"I would like you to think of this, if you like, as a symbol of a promise I would like to make you if you'll have it: I will never leave you as long as you'll have me. Not really. To go and think, to answer prayers, to handle things, but I will _always_ return, as long as you’ll allow me to."

Dean gave Cas a broad smile, touching the necklace. "Yeah, Cas. I like that. I accept that promise. I don’t want you to leave." Cas could swear he saw tears in Dean's eyes, but they never spilled. 

They stood that way for a moment, next to the car, the door open, awkward. The silence between them felt heavy and painful. Dean slowly leaned in close to Cas. 

"It still feels weird. Us, whatever’s wrong here, I mean. Are you still mad at me?" He whispered. 

Cas shook his head. "No, I just feel… sad, I suppose. Concerned. Are you?" He asked. 

"No. I wasn't ever really mad at you. I just got panicked. And embarrassed. I took it out on you, I'm sorry."

"Why?" The angel asked, tilting his head. It didn't make sense to him. 

"I don't know. Humans are weird."

Castiel regarded him for a moment, still looking confused. "Yes, they are. But so are angels. I had no reason to be hurt or angry about the succubus. You were a victim," he said, looking ashamed and sorrowful. 

Dean sighed and looked at Cas, awkwardly shifting his weight. “It’s okay, Cas. It was a new thing. I’m sure it was hard for you to see me like that, even if it wasn't my fault,” Dean said, looking askance. He didn't remember it clearly, just the bite, sort of a sexy dance she was doing that had him in her thrall, a blurred memory of a kiss, and the look on Cas's face when the venom cleared. 

“Uh...I never answered your questions the other day.”

“No, I suppose you didn’t,” Cas said.

“Yeah, we’re exclusive. I mean, I thought so, at least. I haven’t even been with someone else in so long - uh, the succubus doesn’t count. She didn't get her hands on any good stuff anyway, you ganked her first,” he laughed nervously. 

“You won’t miss intercourse with multitudinous partners?”

Dean blushed. “Geez Cas, don’t put too fine a point on it or anything. Uh, no. Like I said, it’s been a while. I haven’t been with anyone since you died. The last time, I mean,” he clarified,

“Ah, when Lucifer stabbed me through the heart during Jack’s birth,” Cas said, frowning as he remembered. 

“Yeah, that one," Dean said with a painful look at the memory. "I mean, I flirt a lot, I do. But I haven’t cared enough to even try with anyone, it was just an act since then. It killed me, losing you. Everything was different after that.”

“I haven’t had sex with anyone else since April," Cas said nonchalantly. Dean already knew that, but Cas had more to say. "I didn’t like it much compared to you. That could be that she tortured and killed me afterward, though,” Cas said with a grimace.

Dean laughed. “Uh, yeah, that does make it kind of less fun.”

“Indeed. I appreciate that you’ve never done that.”

“That’s a nice, uh...low, achievable bar, Cas. I think I can handle that,” Dean said sarcastically. 

“I think we should be exclusive as well," he said, looking almost shy. "And what should I call you?”

Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess, uh, partner doesn’t actually sound too bad. ‘This is Cas, my partner’. That’s easy, too. We’ve said it before.”

“But now we won’t always be impersonating law enforcement as we say it,” Cas pointed out. 

“I guess that conversation wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be," Dean admitted.

“You don’t need to be scared of talking with me, Dean. It’s only me.”

“Well yeah, it is easier with just you. It’s not as easy with Sam staring at us. Maybe let’s just have these conversations just the two of us from now on, like this?”

Cas nodded. “I don’t think your brother cares, but I can do that.”

“It’s not whether he cares or not. It’s just personal. That’s just a general human thing. Important conversations about just two people should be had with just the two people.”

“I don’t know these things, this is why I need to do research," Castiel said indignantly. 

"Cas, stuff like that is not in any book or magazine or on any website. That's stuff human parents teach their human kids as they grow. There's nothing out there for people like us. That's for unhappy human relationships, not us," he scowled a bit, looking sad. "Not weirdos like you and me."

Cas looked at him sadly. "I just don't want to fail at this."

Dean shook his head, "No, no no," he said, pulling Castiel into a tight hug. "You aren't failing. Don't talk like that. Every couple argues. This is normal."

Cas didn't say anything, but he melted into the embrace, breathing in the hunter's scent and trying to calm down.

Dean pulled back and cupped his face, looking intently into Castiel's eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong. I was the asshole in this situation." 

"That's not wholly correct. I got angry about something that you couldn't control - that harmed you. And I left even knowing it would hurt you."

"Because I rejected you."

Cas sighed. "Does it matter who the blame lies with? Can we forgive each other? I forgive you. It doesn't even seem important to fight about anymore." Cas wanted it to be over. He wasn't sure how to resolve the twisting pain he felt, what more needed to happen to make things right.

Dean tightened his embrace on Cas again. He wasn't sure what to say. They'd done a lot of talking, deep meaningful talking that made Dean squirm inside just a little. He didn't know how to say to Cas in a way that he would understand that he was forgiven. 

Dean pulled the angel close and closed his eyes, leaning in slowly and sealing Castiel's mouth in a searing hard kiss with too much bite and force. He'd meant to be tender, he truly had, but he just felt this burning need to kiss Cas hard, make him feel how many raw feelings he had, and he poured them all into the kiss, hurt and anger and wanting and longing and passion all at once. 

When he pulled away, he looked at the angel hungrily. Within a heartbeat Cas was furiously on his mouth again, kissing him with a heated fervor, biting Dean's lower lip hard, shoving his tongue into the hunter's mouth possessively. 

The angel didn't care about Dean's grace-free foreplay rule tonight. He willed their clothes away. There was no time for distraction.

Castiel gripped Dean bruisingly hard by the arms and lifted him unceremoniously and carried him the few steps over to the car, setting him on the hood of Baby. He shoved the hunter backward until he was lying down. Castiel then climbed on top of him and he growled out a needy sound and bit the hunter on the clavicle hard, right where the succubus had. 

Dean moaned, half in pain, half turned on. "Still jealous?" He hissed. "I was trying to kill her, you know. It just went… really badly."

"You have fought the powers of heaven and the beasts and rulers of hell. I don't want to hear your excuses about some minor fight," Cas snarled.

"Ah, there it is. You think I wanted the bitch! Why would I want to fuck someone trying to kill me?"

"Be quiet," Castiel commanded sharply, snapping a hand over Dean's mouth. "Let _me_ have you," he said, staring Dean down, waiting for some sort of response. 

Dean felt himself melting under the commands. He didn't think that Cas really believed he wanted the succubus, but he was plainly playing out something important here, and Dean didn't think more words were going to resolve whatever lingering doubts the angel had. If this is what he needed, that was fine with Dean. He wanted to push back on the one hand - Cas wasn't wrong that he had problems with authority - but something about knowing Cas was in control felt oddly safe, even now when he was being rough. He knew no matter what, Cas would never push him too far. He also trusted Cas to sense his emotions - Cas would listen, he'd feel it if things took a turn. He would never push Dean where he didn't feel comfortable. 

Dean nodded silently and Castiel released his hand from the hunter's mouth, moving it to a sudden firm grip around his cock with no warning at all, making Dean yelp. Cas assumed a punishing rhythm. "Already hard for me," the angel growled.

Dean had never seen him like this. Cas was never possessive and was always calm and steady. Now he seemed to be struggling to keep from using his angelic strength, brutally pumping Dean’s dripping cock, staring him down with a wild look in his eyes.

"Cas - gonna make me come," he moaned. 

The actual touching wasn't what he wanted at all - too fast, too hard, too rhythmless - but seeing Cas like this, possessive and unrestrained - it was doing something uncontrollably powerful to Dean. He wasn't sure how long he could hold off.

"Good." Castiel did not let up.

"Too fast," he panted in protest, squirming and gasping.

"Come, then. I don't care. Be quiet for me."

"But -"

Cas went still briefly and gave him a burning look, flaring his wings to silence him.

On the one hand, Dean didn't appreciate the threatening vibe he was getting. On the other...it was really hot. 

Dean reached up to touch Castiel's wings, but grace abruptly restrained him, snapping his wrists back down to the cold metal of the car hood under him. Dean groaned. 

"Do you want this?" Castiel asked in a suddenly soft voice, but not relenting his brutal pace or grip, pumping Dean's cock madly. The contrast between the angel's harsh, uninhibited actions and the insecurity in his voice had Dean panting and helpless.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I want it," he moaned. 

"You want me?" 

Dean nodded again. "More than anything," he grated out, struggling to remain coherent. 

"You like it when I hold you down?" Cas was looking at him absolutely lust drunk. Seeing Cas look at him like that made a thrilling bolt of heat run through Dean’s body.

He nodded.

"You're mine," Cas stated, not a question. Dean nodded anyway.

Cas kept up his punishing pace, jerking him relentlessly, but now leaned forward to bite Dean again and again, biting all along his hunter's neck and down to the spot on his clavicle - where he bit harder than before. That was what made it impossible for Dean to hold back. That was when he groaned loudly, the sound echoing sinfully through the garage and came, hard. Cas's name ripped from his lungs raggedly. He was left panting helplessly. 

Cas looked at him then, finally. Dean felt a nearly tangible sense of relief, finally getting to look into those azure eyes. This was it, this was what he'd needed - Cas's eyes locked on his own, for Cas to look at him like he always had before. There was something more intimately intense than any kiss or anything else the way the angel's gaze seemed to reach him in a way words never could.

Only then did Cas slow his actions and become tender and gentle, more so even than Dean was used to. Cas began giving soft, loving kisses suffused with healing grace, slowly all along the dark purple marks left from all the biting, making them disappear. The angel released the invisible bonds from Dean's wrists. Dean gave a weak chuckle upon regaining his freedom.

"Looks like you're the one who 'appreciates bondage'," he said, voice hoarse from the wild noises Cas had drawn from him. Cas just looked at him with a soft tender expression. All the wildness, the hurt, the anger had melted away.

Cas's fingers glowed for a moment and he did that sacrilegious thing Dean loved - grace lube - and he slowly, carefully, sweetly began to open Dean up. 

"That's so dirty, Cas," Dean said, giving him a lustful look, licking his lips a little.

"Don't say that. There's nothing 'dirty' about this. What we do when we’re together is beautiful," Cas replied softly. 

Something about the honesty in his voice and the sweetness implied made Dean blush.

Cas's long, slightly rough fingers always felt so lovely against his skin, but inside him - inside him, they were nirvanic. He seemed to always find that perfect angle and now he was slowly grazing it just so, over and over, with the patience of a saint and the single-minded focus of an absolute sinner.

Cas had Dean groaning and gasping so irresistibly. It felt too soon that he removed his fingers, causing Dean to make an impatient whine. Castiel finally looked him in the eyes, then quietly shushed him. He slowly pressed himself against Dean, pausing. “Please, Cas. Please. I need you,” Dean moaned needily. 

That must have been what the angel was waiting for, because he slowly entered his lover with a sharp intake of breath, filling Dean up so perfectly. “Yes,” he hissed. “I need you, too, Dean.” 

Dean submitted to his lover, trusting him, and looked helplessly into his eyes. He felt so thankful to be looking into his eyes again. He hadn’t realized how badly he’d missed that.

They stayed like that for a moment before Cas finally began to gradually move, closing his eyes and hooking his arms around Dean’s shoulders so their bodies were close, rolling his hips in the most reverent, tender rhythm. Dean didn’t think anyone had ever been this gentle with him. He wanted to remind Cas he wasn’t fragile, but there was something so passionate and vulnerable here, he didn’t say anything. There was something perfect he didn’t know how to place, and he just let it happen.

The garage was filled with the small echoes of sweet moans and gasps, much more innocuous than their activities moments prior. They became lost in the rhythm, moving together perfectly for what felt like ages. Cas pressed small, tender kisses into the hunter’s jaw, below his ear, nibbling delicately on his earlobe, and savoring the tantalizing soft sounds Dean was making in his ear. Dean was able to reach the fronts of Castiel’s wings, and he couldn’t help but grasp the feathers, making the angel shudder and move just a little more urgently, but still in a delicately amorous pace.

“You feel so good, Cas,” Dean gasped. 

Cas moaned softly in response, thrusting a little deeper. 

“There - again,” Dean breathed abruptly.

“Ah - there?” the angel whispered, voice thick, hitting the spot and looking at the hunter with the fondest admiration in his eyes. 

Dean’s sharp cry confirmed it, and Cas hummed in response. “Shall I make you come again?” Cas purred softly in his ear.

“Yes,” he hissed, “please, Castiel."

The angel made a satisfied humming sound and began to hit that spot with every thrust. Dean was crying out now, coming undone quickly under Cas’s passionate, delicate care.

Cas was feeling the intensity as well, moaning and hissing gently as he inhaled each time he felt Dean clench around him. 

“I can’t - Cas,” Dean said, voice raspy and needy.

"Then don't. Let go. Come for me,” Cas breathed, looking at directly Dean in absolute veneration and devotion.

The angel arched into his motions a bit, putting more friction on Dean’s aching cock. The sweet rolling rhythm of their hips was perfect. Dean felt a lust drunk haze burning in him. The delicate sounds Cas was making, the way his eyes were dark with desire, the damned tender expression - Dean wasn’t sure how to cope with it. It was almost too much. And the wings - Dean could see when Cas was particularly pleased because his feathers would ruffle and his wings would shake. He grabbed a fistful of the feathers, letting them slip through his fingers, savoring the thrill of grace that ran through him and the shuddering gasp Cas made in reaction.

And Dean came then. He thought he would have been practically spent, but he spilled and spilled, shuddering and writhing, crying out Cas’s name again and again. 

Cas kept up his adoring, tender rhythm, and was lightly kissing and coaxing Dean through his climax, still looking at the hunter all the while. Dean felt a little shy - no one had ever watched him so intently during sex before. There was a new level of intimacy with Cas that he was learning to accept. 

Without warning, Cas clasped his hand over Dean’s eyes tightly and let out a husky, depraved sound. Dean felt the familiar blast of storm scented air, and in the next moment Dean heard the popping and shattering of every pane of glass in the garage except the windshield beneath them, the popping fizzle of sparks bursting from every light source, and the high pitched ringing of Cas’s true voice as he came, piercing Dean’s ears.

Finally, the noises calmed and Cas stilled. He then moved the hand over Dean’s eyes away, and the hunter could see Cas’s guilty expression in the light of the sparks pouring from the ceiling, his eyes still slightly glowing blue from the still overflowing grace. He groaned softly as he pulled out, laying next to Dean on the wide hood of the Impala.

“Um… I can fix that,” Cas said, stunned, still dazed.

Dean laughed. “You better! I'm not joking though, seriously. You just exploded parts of my car, my _Baby_! And… Everything else," he said, looking around at all the shattered glass and flying sparks in awed disbelief. 

Cas curled into Dean, grasping him. “I said I’d fix it. Relax,” he mumbled sheepishly. 

“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s awesome,” Dean said, touching Cas’s face. 

The door from the bunker flung open. Sam stood in the doorway with his eyes closed and shouted, “I hate both of you! I'd say get a room, but you have two and you don't use either one!” and then immediately left.

Dean laughed. “Whoops,” he said. Cas just smiled. He waved a hand and his eyes glowed, and though it seemed to take several seconds longer than Dean would have expected, all was fixed. 

"Everyone in heaven and on Earth knows what we just did," Dean laughed. "That was the biggest grace-splosion yet. And I made you do that," he said, pumping his fist in the air victoriously.

"Not all on Earth, but probably… several, at least, of the angels in heaven, yes," Cas said, wide-eyed. “Dean?” he said a few moments later.

“Hmm?”

“Do you remember when you said you didn’t care if I took out all the power in Lebanon?”

“Yeah, why?” Dean asked as he stretched and sat up.

The angel hesitated. “It’s just good that you don’t care about that,” he said slowly. 

Dean just laughed. “Someone’ll fix it. I don’t care. Let’s go to bed, Cas.”

“Again?” He asked, astonished.

“No, to _sleep_. You wore me out.”

"I see. Not a euphemism this time."

They leisurely put some of their clothes back on and gathered Dean’s gifts, haphazardly putting them away before making their way to Dean's room together. Dean collapsed on his bed. He looked peaceful as Cas sat on the bed next to him.

"Cas?"

"Hmm?"

"I forgive you too. You said it, and I think you know. But I do too. I wanted to say it."

Cas grasped Dean's hand. "I'm sorry," he said with a forlorn expression.

"I just said I forgive you, Cas. You don't have to say you're sorry again. It's okay."

"No. For my jealousy, but then also for treating you so...harshly at first tonight. You deserve better." Cas looked away, abashed.

"It is kind of crazy you were jealous of a monster that was trying to kill me," he yawned, "but don't apologize for being rough. I kinda started it. And it can be nice sometimes," Dean chuckled, pulling Cas close. 

"That's strange. Why would that be nice? I harmed you. I bruised you and bit you and restrained you with angelic force. I had to heal you.”

Dean opened one eye again. "Not really. You didn't do anything bad. Nothing I didn't like. I'll have to show you sometime," he mumbled tiredly with a tired, roguish grin. Cas just looked at him in puzzlement, then turned closer.

"I read about angels, you know. While you were gone," Dean mumbled, eyes falling closed. "I was gonna surprise you. I know what I'm s'posed to do for you. Your wings. It'll be special," he slurred, exhausted.

"Mmm, you can tell me about that tomorrow. For now, sleep," Cas said softly with a smile.

The hunter fell soundly asleep in minutes, and Cas watched over him. He held Dean all night, pleased that the bond between them finally seemed right again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so hopefully you forgive me for making our beloved boys fight! Again, not my best work so far, but I have some fun wing stuff planned that I hope you'll like, so I hope you aren't mad at me! I also honestly had to rush through this chapter - it's finals week and it's killing me a little, lol! But I have a little break coming up, so for any disappointment, you may have had with this chapter, I promise I will pour my heart and soul into making the next chapter fun, fluffy, and wing-kink smutty! Please don't hate me! <3


	8. Love is Not Selfish, So I'm Making Today About You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas get some one-on-one time. Dean surprises Cas with some special knowledge he picked up while reading about his wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH BOY, I hope you're ready for a long, silly, fluffy chapter. Like this chapter is kind of stupid, but it was really fun. I hope you like it! There is nothing substantive to this chapter, but we spend a lot of time with wings, so be warned is that's not your cuppa! Also, sorry if it has a lot of typos. I wrote a lot of this on my phone and I tried to edit it but it was finals week and I just don't promise to have done a good job =[

Dean loved the mornings when he woke up to Cas in his bed. Since Cas didn't need to sleep, it wasn't an everyday occurrence, but it was his favorite thing to wake up to that soft half-smile and deep "Hello, Dean."

This morning was no different. He woke to Cas's wings curled around him protectively. One of the soft feathers tickled his face. As if on cue, Cas looked at him with the usual adoring look and greeting. 

"G'morning, sunshine," Dean yawned in reply, stretching, his voice strained. 

"Mmm," was all Cas said, leaning up on his elbow to better admire the hunter's form with a smile. The main thing Cas could see was someone's soul, but he had learned after his time as a human to see their bodies as well, and while he had known that Dean had the most beautiful soul he'd ever seen, it hadn't been until he was human he realized his body and face were also objectively lovely. He was quite familiar with Dean's body, having carefully stitched it back together after lifting him from Hell. But he hadn't spent much time on Earth at that point or in a human vessel, so he hadn't paid attention to how lovely it was then. Now he couldn't help but grin at the hunter, thinking he was beautiful inside and out in a very literal sense. 

"I'm stuck, Cas," Dean sighed, putting his hand lazily in the angel's feathers, leisurely stroking them. "I don't want us to fight, but I do want us to have nights like last night. Holy fuck."

Cas leaned into the touch, sighing sweetly. "Yes, indeed it was. But why would we have to fight to do that? We can have sex whenever we like."

"Yeah, but it was make-up sex, Cas. That kind of bang only happens after a big fight."

Cas gave it some thought. "Perhaps we could simply fight over something less important and emotionally difficult, like the last of the popcorn."

Dean shook his head. "No, that's not how it works. Gotta be something major."

"Well, the town of Lebanon and your brother will probably be happy it's not going to be a regular occurrence, then," Cas said with a sigh. 

"Mm, fuck 'em. I like when you get so hot and bothered you blow the power grid." Dean said, grinning smugly. "That means I win." He pointed his thumbs to himself.

"Win what, exactly?"

"At sex. I make you lose it completely. You love it. I win," he said.

Cas pondered. "It's a competition?" He was concerned he'd missed an important point in the process. And he certainly didn't intend to lose at anything.

"No, no. I just mean, I win because you win."

Cas just blinked at him and tilted his head in puzzlement. 

"You get off - uh, you come - every time, like right after me when you're… ya know, uh, on top," he said, blushing. He was still a little embarrassed at times about that. "Don't tell me you don't know what I mean. That feeling you get when you're thinking 'yes, _I_ made that happen, _I_ made him do that'. You know?" Dean explained. 

Cas nodded, understanding now. "I do know that feeling. You feel that more powerfully when I wreak havoc uncontrollably on our surroundings?"

"Uh… yeah. It sounds weird when you say it that way. But it's not about that, it's about knowing _I_ made you lose control. Knowing I made you feel so good you couldn't control yourself," he said, biting his lip and raising an eyebrow at the angel.

Cas nodded, his hand lazily stroking down Dean's arm, back and forth. He delighted in these small touches. It wasn't so long ago that he couldn't have done this, but these moments were so blessed to him, where he could touch Dean and adore him as he deserved. 

"I can understand that. I do find your incredible lack of volume control very thrilling as well."

"I'm not that loud," Dean scoffed.

Cas gave him a dubious look, arching his brow. He waited a moment before wryly saying, "Your voice is still hoarse." He thought for a moment, his brow furrowing. "Hmm. Does it hurt? Your throat? I could heal -," he started to say, reaching his hand up to Dean's neck. The hunter grabbed his wrist, stopping him. Cas lifted a brow in response.

"No. Leave it. You earned it," Dean said with a mischievous smirk. "Besides, I have plans with you," Dean attempted to croon, but his rough voice made it more of a rasp. 

"You said something about surprising me last night. Is that your plan?" 

"Mmhmm. Today is about you and angel stuff. I did a lot of reading while you were gone and I have a lot to make up for."

Cas chuckled, raising a brow again. "I'm curious to know what you read," he said in a challenging tone. If it was in the same book as the Enochian, he somewhat doubted Dean was going to surprise him.

"Not until I get my coffee and my bacon. I need my strength. You practically killed me last night."

Cas sighed. "You've died on multiple occasions. You know that was nothing near death."

"French people say it's like death. I think."

"That’s ignorant. It’s the furthest thing from death. It’s the most living someone can do.”

“You’re going to make me blush, Cas. That’s high praise," Dean laughed with a wink. 

They got dressed and made their way to the kitchen, where Sam was nursing a coffee and waiting for toast.

“Heya Sammy!” Dean said, overenthusiastically, clapping a hand to his brother’s shoulder as he made his way past him to the fridge to grab the bacon and eggs. 

"Don't talk to me. I'm still pissed.'

“Pissed or jealous? I’m gonna need a hearty breakfast after that, Cas.” 

Sam rolled his eyes and gave Dean bitchface. Cas came to sit slowly at the table with Sam, who turned a slightly less bitchy glance his way. Cas looked at Sam for a moment silently.

“This is awkward,” he said, ignoring Dean whistling an upbeat tune as he began to make his breakfast.

“Cas, an awkward situation is never made less awkward by saying out loud that it’s awkward," Sam sighed.

“That may be, but I panicked and didn’t know what else to say,” Castiel said, deadpan. “With that said, I would like to apologize for… well, as you stated we do have two rooms to choose from.”

Dean turned around and looked at Cas. “Don’t you apologize, Cas. Don’t you know that Sam here, my sweet baby brother, is our biggest supporter? He says feelings are _important_ ,” he said dramatically with equally exaggerated arm gestures. 

“He reminded me that talking about them and expressing them is _soooo_ important. Sam, of all people, would never be upset at two people for expressing their _feelings_ , their beautiful, amazing feelings for each other!” 

Sam rolled his eyes so hard it hurt as Dean delivered this obviously mocking speech to Cas.

Cas tilted his head looking at Dean in confusion. “Dean, he quite clearly expressed that he was upset last night.”

Dean laughed, nudging the salty younger brother before turning back to the food. “Oh, I see. You’re being facetious and mocking Sam.” Cas said with a knowing nod.

“He shouldn’t be mocking me. I did tell him that, and if it hadn’t been for me he would never have finally grovelled to you and apologized like he should have,” Sam said, not actually looking at Cas, but raising his voice to Dean.

“I didn’t grovel,” Dean grumbled. “And I didn’t need your help. We worked it out. I would have called him eventually.”

"I don't want to talk about this. That fight was unpleasant. It’s all behind us now. But Sam, I will attempt to be more conscientious in the future.”

“Yeah, speaking of that Sam, we need the bunker today,” Dean said casually. “But before you get all whiny, I got in touch with a certain lady hunter whose name rhymes with… well, it’s Eileen. Um, anyway, I found a hunt for you two. But it’s a cakewalk, it’s practically not even a case. She has the details. Anyway, I explained to her that if you finished up early, which you will, I had plans with my _partner_ , so I asked if she could keep you entertained for me,” he said grinning softly as he tried the new term out. 

_Partner_ , he thought. _It sounds pretty good._

Sam was equal parts happy and irritated.

“What the hell? You just want to… ugh, bump uglies on every surface in the damn bunker? That we _share_? You can't just kick me out and do your weird stuff all over the place. Jesus!”

Castiel looked at Sam, tilting his head again. “Is that a euphemism for sex? I resent that. He has nothing ugly at all to bump. His penis is -,”

“NO.” Sam stated firmly, holding his hand up to stop Cas abruptly, “Do _not_ finish that sentence! Oh my God.” Sam shook his head and covered his face in his hands.

Dean winked at Cas behind Sam.

“I really do hate you both. I’m going to go see Eileen and do this hunt and spend the day with her, _because I want to_ , not because you want me to, Dean,” he spat, “but when I get back we are seriously going to talk about boundaries. I live here too!”

“We aren’t gonna fuck on every surface,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “I just need a little space to get tender with my _partner_.”

“ _Why_ are you saying it like that? Is ‘partner’ some weird kink thing?” Sam, then froze. “Oh god, do not answer that, do _not_ answer that,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose in consternation. 

“No! Well… No, no,” Dean said, laughing awkwardly. “That’s just our thing. We’re partners. You know, he asked the other day - you were there - and we talked about it last night and ‘partner’ sounded pretty good, so we’re partners. Okay? No, it’s not...it’s not a sex thing,” Dean babbled, but he wasn’t convincing since he cleared his throat and looked at Cas, gripping the edge of the counter with white knuckles.

“Oh god it’s your cowboy fetish, Cas was right the other day, I swear to God I hate you. I don’t want to be here. I’m getting my stuff and shower and text Eileen and…. Not be here. And if you do anything gross… ugh. No, I can’t deal with you. Dean, you’re… No.”

Sam scrambled away with his coffee, making a face. He spun back around. “We ARE going to talk about boundaries when I get back. You’re both just way, way outside of okay,” he said, pointing at Dean and Cas with a grimace, then left.

The two were silent for a moment.

“I knew the parallel with cowboys would make it attractive to you,” Cas said with a slight satisfied smirk.

“Well, uh…” Dean muttered, trailing off, shyly smiling and looking at his feet, tugging on the edge of his shirt.

He cleared his throat and looked back up at Cas. “Anyway, we really aren’t going to fuck on every surface. I just wanted to avoid the interrupting moose.”

“Is that a euphemism as well?”

“It just means Sam. I didn’t want Sam to interrupt us.”

“Oh, I see.”  
  
  


Dean’s brought his eggs and bacon over to the table and sat with Cas, gulping his coffee. “I have other plans,” he said with a cocky grin, “Of course, we’ll fit _that_ in anywhere we can,” he said, giving Cas a sweeping look up and down, “but that’s not the surprise.” He took a huge bite of bacon.

“That’s good. It wouldn’t be very surprising,” Castiel said. “When did you contact Eileen? That was fortunate timing.”

“After you said you’d be home soon on the phone I had been thinking about it for a while, but yeah, she’s pretty eager to spend some time with Sammy,” Dean said with a smirk. “And I’m pretty sure he’s into her too.”

“By ‘pretty sure’ I hope you mean ‘completely confident’. They are obviously strongly attracted to one another, but there’s more there. It seems like love in its infancy. It’s very endearing.” Cas said matter-of-factly. 

“Oh yeah? When did you become a love doctor, Cas?”

“I’m not a ‘love doctor’. I’m an angel,” he said as if it explained everything. Dean just looked at him with an open-handed gesture. 

“‘Splain, Lucy,” he said.

Cas gave him a strange look but continued. “I have told you this several times. It’s not just your longing I can sense. I am aware of all strong emotions, regardless of what they are or who they are directed toward.”

“Oh shit! Right, okay, I know you’ve said that. I just forget sometimes about your background mojo. So they’re both into each other, like, for real, right?”

“Yes. I just said that.”

Dean smiled. “I knew it. They’re like a perfect match. It’s sickeningly adorable.”

“I think Sam felt the same about us until you screamed until you lost your voice and I shattered all the glass in his home. I did fix it, but… He still seems angry.”

“Well… I don’t think that’s a huge risk with either of them. And Sam will get over it, don’t worry Cas.”

“We should respect that this is his home too. We have been terrible housemates. He has a valid argument,” Castiel said with a guilty look. 

“Yeah, we should. We will. It’s fine. Look, it’s not like I haven’t been… uh, aware of Sam shaking the sheets before. I can’t tell you how many times I accidentally caught him in my car. My poor car,” he said with a disgusted expression. “ or in a motel room or… lots of places. It happens. You yell about it, you rib each other, you move on. Sam won’t be mad for long. In fact, he’s going to go see Eileen, and we’ll have our little ‘talk’ about boundaries to make him feel better, and then it will be back to normal.”

Cas nodded and sat with Dean, watching him eat a huge amount of bacon and eggs. It mystified him a little that Dean could eat so much more than Sam. 

"Hey, wait a minute. If you can sense all that and you sensed it from me how come you didn't know?" Dean asked, mouth full.

Cas wrung his hands and sighed. "I told you. I didn't know you felt those things for me."

"Who else would it be?"

"I don't know."

"Didn't you ever have any guesses?"

First, he shook his head, but Dean lifted a brow at him. "C'mon. Who? Who did you think?" He teased with a smile. 

"Hmm. Okay, yes," he admitted. Dean lifted his eyebrows, mouth still full, and gestured for Cas to keep speaking. 

"Lisa," Cas blurted with more venom than he intended, flashing an immediately guilty look at Dean.

Dean's face fell and he put down the bacon he was about to eat. He finished chewing with a somber contemplation before looking at Cas and sighing.

"Okay. Last time I'm saying this. Yeah, I cared about her. I cared even more about Ben. It hurt when it was over, when I had to leave 'em, move on," he said, nodding sadly. Then he locked his eyes on Cas's and said "but Cas, I never felt about her or anyone else what I feel for you. I always wanted you."

Castiel felt a strange feeling blossom in his chest that intermingled joy and sadness strangely. He didn't know what to say, so he just held Dean's hand. Dean gave him a wistful look and shrugged it off, squeezing his hand and turning his attention back to his bacon without saying any more. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Sam gave them both a terse farewell a short while later. Dean signed “bitch” to him and told him to say hi to Eileen. Sam ignored him at first but as he stepped out the door, he tossed an affectionate "jerk" over his shoulder with a hint of a smile.

“God, I thought he’d never leave. Alright, Cas. Whaddaya say we go up to the garden?" Dean said eagerly, rubbing his hands together. Cas nodded and they made their way up. 

"I had this whole plan, what I was gonna say, how I was going to make it up to you, all that. I like what we did instead better," Dean said with a grin, "but I still want to surprise you."

Cas was intrigued but didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure what Dean was going to try to surprise him with. He was an angel and he was still new to surprises.

Cas hadn't been in the garden since returning to the bunker, so he was interested to see that there was a large wooden deck box near the pond. They wandered over to it. "I made it!" Dean said proudly with a smile. "I guess it turns out I kinda like doing this stuff. Working with my hands to make things - well, I haven't done much of it before."

"It's lovely, Dean," Cas said, admiring the carefully stained and sanded wood. There were imperfections - a stamp was visible through the stain and there were a few drips dried into it. One edge of the trim on top was slightly off level. Castiel thought that made it more precious. 

"Well, it's amateur work. But I noticed you didn’t have anywhere to keep your tools for the honey and the flowers and stuff," Dean said. 

Then his face darkened looked a little more somber. "Cas, even though we were fighting… I hoped when you came home we could come out here and hash it out. I was being stubborn, I know I should have called you back right away. But for what it's worth, I was thinking about making it up to you the whole time you were gone. I learned about angel stuff, I made this box for your stuff. I thought about you non-stop. I even listened to sad sappy music like a heartbroken teenager," he said with a sheepish grin. "Sam was so sick of my mopey ass."

Cas felt a pang of guilt. During their days apart he had tried very hard to put Dean out of his mind entirely. He had no idea the hunter had been thinking of him and doing so much. Planning for Sam to leave, thoughtfully making the deck box for him, learning about "angel stuff", and pining all the while. Cas had felt his longing, but in his own anger, he had ignored it. Sometimes the fact that humans could have so many conflicting emotions and act on them simultaneously baffled him. Dean was angry and hurt and being rude and stubborn, yet pining and eagerly planning for Cas to return. The angel was amazed and confused by that.

He didn't know what to say to his hunter, but he took his hand, squeezing. "Thank you, Dean. I think it's perfect," Cas said with a smile.

"I'm glad you like it. But that's not the surprise either," Dean said, blushing at the praise, putting a hand on the back of his neck, and swaying a bit. He opened the box and pulled out what must have been a 40-year-old tape player. "I put the Zepp tape I made you in it. I'll have to make you some other ones. I thought you could play music while you watch the bees."

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said, smiling. "It's a wonderful surprise."

"I'm glad you like it Cas, but that's just a little bit of the surprise. It's just gonna set the mood," Dean said with a cocky grin, pressing play on the tape player, and the music played softly. 

"What are you plotting?" Cas said with a head tilt. There was a warmth and curiosity in his gaze.

“Why don’t you have a seat and find out?” Dean said with a playful grin.

Cas walked over to the log bench, eyeing Dean curiously. “You said something about my wings last night.”

“Yeah, I did. Take off your coat and shirt. All the top layers.” Dean said standing in front of his angel. Cas began to remove the layers, more slowly than necessary, pulling the trenchcoat off his shoulders and peeling it away, then his jacket. He locked his eyes, unwavering, on to Dean’s as he loosened his tie, letting it fall to the ground, then his fingers carefully releasing each button before stripping his shirt and stretching his wings high and wide. Dean inhaled strongly at the deliberately sensual display. For a guy with no experience, Cas sure seemed to know just what to do.

_It’s about him today, calm down,_ he reminded himself.

The hunter came around behind the angel and began to firmly massage his neck. “I told you I did some reading, Cas. And now I know a few things I didn’t before,” he said, pressing strong fingers into the dense muscles of Cas’s shoulders. This amused Cas because he did not need a massage, but he stayed silent as Dean’s hands moved to the ridges of muscle where his wings met his back. “I learned, for instance - you didn’t tell the truth when I asked the most sensitive part of your wings,” he said, leaning down to whisper in Castiel’s ear, then bringing his hands slowly, firmly, to the very base of where the feathers began along that ridge of muscle on each side, gently pressing his thumbs inward at the bottom in a half-circle motion. 

“Dean!” Castiel choked out, arching his back fiercely and flaring his wings, knocking Dean a little of balance, every feather lifting and fluffing out. 

“Ah, yeah. That’s what it said would happen. Look at that,” Dean purred, bringing his now oily fingers around to show Cas. “Now why wouldn’t you tell me something like that?” Dean said softly, darkly into Cas's ear.

Cas was panting now. “I- I-... Well it’s very… um,” he tried to say, but he was reeling from the sensation and the shock and taboo of it all. He knew he should stop Dean. He tried to open his mouth to say so, but he just couldn't say it.

“Not often I get you at a loss for words,” Dean marveled.

“I - I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know about your own wings?” Dean asked doubtfully.

“Ah... I knew about the oil glands, obviously - for preening… I didn’t know you’d want to touch them and, uhhh,” he cut off in a deep moan as Dean moved his fingers in slow circles around them again, “Uh, hmm… I didn’t know it would feel like _that_ ,” He said with a shuddering breath. It wasn't entirely true, but he'd never experienced it for himself, not like that.

“Preening, hmm. And how often do you do that?” 

“Depends,” Cas said with a shuddering breath, eyes closing, brow furrowed, and feeling himself begin to grow hard. 

“Cas,” Dean whispered, “Tell me.” He grabbed Cas by the hair and tugged gently, bringing the angel’s head back to rest low against his belt buckle. Cas looked up at him in silent desperation, wanting to talk but feeling incapable of forming a sentence.

“Oh, shit,” Dean breathed. “That’s really somethin’, sunshine. You didn’t look at me _that_ helpless even with the damn handcuffs on.”

Cas exhaled hard, staring up at Dean, willing himself to explain. “That’s...I… Y-you need to be very careful doing that. You… you do not know what you're doing. You should not be doing that.” He breathed, closing his eyes for a moment before giving Dean a powerless look, begging with his eyes for something. 

“I know,” Dean said with a wicked smile, “I read about that too. I know _exactly_ what I'm doing.”

Cas shook a little, finding it hard to tell Dean no when he really wanted to say yes, _yes_ with the force of a thousand dying suns. 

“Dean, you have no way of comprehending what you’re truly saying...please,” Cas said desperately, voice breaking. This human was going to kill him and he had no idea what he was even doing.

“I want you to lose control.”

Cas moaned a little, closing his eyes and licking his lips, trying to think of what he was supposed to say. He sighed. “No, you don’t. You don’t. I… don’t know what will happen. Humans aren’t able to tolerate pure grace and I don’t know what will happen to you.”

“I can handle it, Cas. I can see your wings now. And I guess that I know something you don’t because I know what that means.”

Cas gave him a puzzled look, no less desperate.

“Cas, I can see your wings because I have grace. Just a little.”

“What?” Cas snapped, the gravity of the sentence breaking his stupor a bit. He jerked his head up and turned on the bench to face Dean. “Explain yourself. I don’t see grace. You’re completely human. You have a soul. Don't be foolish.” Castiel didn't appreciate the remark, even if it wasn’t intentionally ignorant. 

“Yeah, I am human. But we already had the ‘profound bond’, right? But when we got… uh, together and I could see your wings, I guess maybe it was like we made it official or whatever, it activated something like, I don’t know, the holy paperwork finally got filed. The only way I could see them all the time is with grace, that's what I read, every time. You have to have grace or demon essence to see wings. I don't have demon essence. It must be grace. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“It doesn’t make sense. I would be able to see it if you had grace,” Cas said indignantly, crossing his arms.

"Don't be like that, Cas. I'm not fucking with you. I mean it. Look again. Closer. It has to be there. That's the only way this adds up."

Cas stood, rolling his eyes and huffing indignantly. He grabbed Dean’s face, looking very intensely and closely into his eyes. Cas was staring intently at his soul. He didn’t see it at first. Souls are so bright, it makes it hard to see the rest. They were so close that Dean could see Cas’s moment of realization, of recognition - his pupils dilated and he gasped, pulling Dean's face yet closer. 

"It's true," he breathed, in absolute awe. "Barely there, deep inside. I see it now - like the ghost of grace. That's… incredible." 

Dean felt a little uncomfortable. Normally these deep, intimate eye locks were really special, but Cas was moving his face all around to get a better look and squishing his cheeks sort of hard. The angel was more examining him like a scientist than anything intimate. 

Cas suddenly released him and looked serious, shifting on his feet. "Dean, I should tell you. I have a soul," he bluntly stated. Cas didn't tend to beat around the bush.

It was Dean's turn to be baffled. "What? How?" 

"Well... Jack said it was because I chose free will over heaven - I chose you. I lived on Earth. I have been human myself, for a time. My soul - it's small, like a seed. It's still growing," he said, pondering. 

"What does that mean for you?" Dean asked, crossing his arms. He wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing. 

"I'm not sure. All I know right now is that it means if I die, I can go to Heaven. With you." He said softly. 

"So you have a little soul and I have a little grace," Dean said, in awe. "Yin and yang."

Cas nodded. "Yes, much like that, I suppose. I understand that I must have embedded some grace in you when I left my mark on you those years ago. It did take tremendous energy to lift you from hell and restore you, so I shouldn't be surprised by that, I suppose. That love would be the catalyst that made it come alive within you - that's… fitting," he said with a small smile. 

"And, I would say that perhaps a soul is a nice reward for bending the very constraints of the universe, imposed by a sadistic God so that I could bring forth the most rebellious act of free will in all of existence - loving you,” Cas said casually, cheerfully even, as if he hadn’t just said the most important thing Dean had ever heard.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean breathed with a stunned chuckle. "That's pretty heavy, Cas. I love you too. God, I do."

Cas just smiled. Dean let the moment sink in. It was true. Cas had bucked the very will of God and fate and omniscient power, just to love _him_. He grabbed Cas’s hand and squeezed it, unsure of what to say. How do you respond to that?

He thought for a moment. He couldn’t respond to that, but he had other things he wanted to talk about. "Test my theory, Cas. You said ages ago special people could hear your true voice. Let me hear it."

Cas shook his head, frowning. "No. It could hurt you."

"It won't. I'm sure, I know I'm right. Think about, Cas. It makes sense. Come on."

Cas gave him a dubious look. His mouth didn't move, but Dean could hear a soft, high pitched whining sound. 

"Louder, Cas."

Cas looked concerned, but slowly the volume inched up. Dean had hoped he could understand it, but it still mystified him. He could hear it and it rang in his ears, different from other sounds. The animals in the area scampered away as the volume crept. Slightly uncomfortable, but not painful or debilitating even once Cas reached a higher volume. 

"So see? I can handle it, Cas. I want to see you like that."

"Hearing my voice and seeing my true form are very different things," Cas whispered, "besides, you would _not_ be attracted to my true form."

"I don't care. It's you. I… I-I love you. I want to see you, all of you," Dean said. He could say "I love you" now, but it was still work. His heart still thudded violently when he did. 

"I would terrify you. You would hate me. I have six wings, hundreds of eyes… multiple faces, so many arms. I'm enormous. There is an eternal celestial fire that's a part of my form - It's not a body or form you would think of as 'me'. It's more complicated than you could comprehend. It would be monstrous to you," Cas said seriously, looking away with a sigh. 

"No. I'm not saying it would be a turn-on Cas. I like your vessel and just the two eyes. _That's_ hot. But I still want to see you. I want to know you... If you'll let me, I mean. I want to know that part of you. I won't be afraid. I would never be afraid of you. And I damn sure could never hate you. Don't say shit like that."

Cas gave him a concerned, suspicious look. "Let me see something. _Swear_ that you will tell me the _moment_ anything begins to hurt or feel uncomfortable and cover your eyes as you do so. Do not touch me, doing this incrementally will take concentration."

"Okay, Cas. I promise."

Cas looked into his eyes. Dean watched as they began to barely glow, slowly, gradually becoming brighter and brighter until they became a bright white light burning vividly from his core, not just his eyes, and the garden and surrounding woods were eventually bathed in brilliant angelic light, Cas burning like a beacon. Dean felt the warmth of it and a sense of tranquility like he'd never felt washed over him. 

Cas dared not go any farther. He powered down, letting his grace settle. 

"Dean, I just don't know if it's a good idea. It's wonderful that you can handle some exposure to my grace. It's just so different from my true form. I can't explain the magnitude of difference to you in a way you can comprehend. It's a minuscule fraction of the power."

Dean looked disappointed but just looked away, thinking a moment before looking back. "Alright. You're the angel expert. Sit back down. I'm still going to take care of you today."

Cas smiled softly as he situated himself on the bench before Dean again. "Why do you want to take care of me so badly? You always care for others. You never let anyone take care of you," he asked. 

"I just want to do this today. Show you I care."

"You do show me. Look around. You do so many things for me. You don't need to do anything else."

Dean sighed. "Look, Cas, I know I don't need to. I can say it now - y'know, that I love you - but it's hard still. It doesn't just happen. And it's easier in the moments where I know I can also show you. Okay? Just… let me," he said, getting more oil from Cas's wings, but not lingering - even though it made him sad to pass up the opportunity to make Cas so weak in the knees instantly.

He began to rub the sweet-smelling oil through the wings, straightening each feather tenderly, carding his fingers through them, letting his fingertips touch the warm, soft skin beneath the layers and layers of thick, dark plumage. Cas gasped softly with each stroke of Dean's capable hands. Dean breathed in the scent of the musky, sweet oil in the air and it made him weak in the knees. 

"Well… I'm not complaining," Cas remarked, "I just mean to say you should let me repay the favor sometime. Let me take care of you," he said in a soft voice.

"I do. You're the only one I ever let take care of me. You're the only one who understands me. Besides Sammy, but… You understand the things I could never even say to him. Things I could never say out loud."

"I have never taken care of you the way I wish to," Cas lamented. "You're too stubborn."

"What do you mean?" Dean asked. 

"I mean that if I were to take care of you for a day, you'd want for nothing. I'd give you no reason to ever leave the bed."

Dean chuckled. "I'm human, Cas. Gotta eat, gotta leave sometimes."

"No. I'd use my grace to sustain you. You'd let me tell you all the things I want to say." Cas moaned softly as Dean moved to the alula of his wings, continuing to oil and preen him.

"You can say anything. I'm not stopping you."

"You would stop me, Dean. You don't believe it when I tell you the barest hint of what I think of you.."

"Oh yeah? What do you think of me, Cas?" Dean challenged. 

"That you are the definition of love. Kindness. That you are perfectly imperfect and I delight in that. That I admire you, that I love you, and that I would fall from heaven a thousand more times if I had to if it meant being with you. I would choose you over and over. You took me, older than your entire species, and somehow you made me new. That's a tiny fraction of what I would say to you."

Dean felt his cheeks become hot and eyes sting with unspilled tears. Maybe Cas was right. A whole day of that would probably have him crying like a little kid. He hadn't gotten used to hearing effusive praise and adoration. He wasn't sure he'd ever get used to hearing it the way Cas wanted to say it, all gushing and poetic. Cas did get him better than anyone - he wanted to say these deep, intimate, beautiful things to Dean but didn't just so he didn't make him uncomfortable. He only said it now because Dean had pushed. Cas had gentle patience with him that Dean appreciated. It was one of the many things he loved about the angel.

He worked carefully on the wings, listening to the tape, the birds, the breeze. The silence between the two was comfortable. It was nice to be comfortable enough with someone that he didn't feel compelled to fill the quiet moments with chatter. Cas gave him security that no one else could. 

Dean got on his knees to get the long primaries, pausing to kiss the skin between Castiel's wings softly before continuing his work. 

"I read about this, preening you," Dean said, "how it's part of angel mating rituals."

"Mm, yes, that's what I've heard," Cas said, lifting his wings and shuddering delightfully at the touches.

"Why didn't you ever mate, Cas?"

He shrugged. "I didn't wish to. It's a rare occurrence anyway. And complicated, you must wait for a certain time, there are approvals needed from higher angels. As I said, it's very cold and mechanical. Bureaucratic, even. It didn’t seem worth it. I didn’t want to, anyway."

"Before me, before the leviathan thing, you got along with them, right? The other angels?"

Cas looked down. "I wouldn't go that far. I just hadn't murdered any of them yet. I may have been a devoted soldier of Heaven, but… I was always different. I just tried to _pretend_ I wasn't. Pretend not to care. It worked better before you before I chose free will. But I was not happier," he said dejectedly. 

"Are you happy now?" Dean asked, stroking a long feather, coating it in the oil, making Cas moan softly.

"You are the greatest happiness I have ever known. Yes," he said in a tone that made a sweet warmth bubble up in Dean's chest at the weight of the adoration. 

"I… uh, me too, Cas,” Dean uttered softly, feeling wonderstruck and sad that Cas had lived so long and not been happy. Twelve years was nothing at all to an angel.

"Don't be sad, Dean," he said in a near- whisper. "This is worth it. I would have waited thousands more years if I'd had to. Truthfully, I never thought I would get the chance to say these things, experience them with you at all. I was content just spending time with you thinking you didn't feel the same. Now I can touch you, look at you, express my love. It's more than I dreamed."

"God Cas, I'm sorry." He said, his hands falling still as he tried to compose himself. Cas twisted around to look at him in confusion and concern. 

"Why? No, I said _not_ to be sorry. I was trying to explain why you should be happy. What did I say that upset you? I was trying to express my gratitude and joy. I thought it would make you happy." 

Cas moved, sliding off the bench onto the ground next to Dean, wiping his tears away.

"No, Cas. You didn't say anything wrong I just - sometimes I think about how long I fucked around feeling sorry for myself wishing you felt the same while you were just - happy anyway! Just enjoying what little I gave you! And we wasted so much time, years and years - and I was so selfish! And we were so stupid!" He said, 

Cas sighed. "Dean… it's not selfish to wish for more. And even if we were being stupid - it doesn't matter. We figured it out. We're together now."

Cas paused for a moment, the corner of his mouth quirking upward in a slight grin. "I would not have believed that of the two of us, I would be the one advising you to live in the moment."

The idea made Dean chuckle. "Yeah, I guess that is kinda crazy, Cas."

He leaned up against Castiel, their backs against the bench. Cas cradled Dean in his arms and wrapped his wings around them. "Your wings always make me feel better, Cas. They're like this big, heated blanket that can love you." 

Cas chuckled. "That's interesting. I've never used a heated blanket," he said with a small smile. He sighed contentedly. "I'm glad you can see them and feel them now. My wings."

Dean smiled. "Me too. I kinda can't imagine you without them now. They're awesome."

"I'm glad you like them. The other angels don't, not now that they've changed." Castiel froze. He regretted saying it the moment the words left his mouth.

"Why don't they like them? Who's ass I gotta kick?"

"Ah, no one. It's fine. You like them, I like them. That's all that matters."

"What d'you mean they 'changed'?"

Cas felt a sinking feeling hit him in the pit of his vessel's stomach. 

"Oh, they were just a different color before," he tried to say casually. He knew Dean would blame himself.

"What color were they? Before what?" Dean could tell Cas was avoiding the heart of the subject and he was getting upset. 

Cas sighed and looked off into the distance. It was so rare he didn't meet the hunter's eye. "They were grey. Light grey."

"Why are they black now? What's so bad about that?"

"Hmm… they changed after a mission I had for heaven. That's all. It isn't bad."

"But why, Cas? Spit it out, dammit."

Cas squirmed, frowning a bit. "I had to travel to hell, and after that… they took on a different color. The other angels say it's because hell tainted me. But I don't think of it like that. To me, it's more of a badge of honor. I like my wings, I told you."

"To get me. You had to travel to hell to get me." Dean's face twisted into a pained, guilty look.

Cas sighed, then gave Dean a serious look, cupping his face in his hands. "Yes. And I wouldn't change it for any reason. Stop it."

"I didn't say anything."

"I can sense your guilt, and even if I couldn't, I can see your self-blame in your face. Stop. I like them this way. My wings are different like I am different. It's fitting."

Dean didn't say anything more, but he rested his head against Cas's chest and touched the feathers, letting them move through his fingers. They were the most amazing things to touch, and Dean just couldn't keep his hands off. They were strong and warm, beautiful, and imposing. The feathers were so soft, and the jolt of grace each touch gave him was so invigorating. 

"You know, when Jack restored my wings, he gave me the option of turning them back. I chose this." Cas said softly, running his hand through Dean's hair. 

"I couldn't hear what he said to you. He made us stand pretty far back because of the grace and stuff. You really wanted to keep them black?"

"Yes. I told you. I like them this way."

"Well… good. I do too," Dean mumbled softly. He leaned into Castiel, enjoying the warmth of his skin and feathers for a few moments before saying "Now get back up on the bench. I got work to do. This is supposed to be your day." Dean said, gesturing to the bench, sniffing and trying to put the guilt out of his mind with a smile.

If Cas chose to keep his wings black and Cas likes it, he was going to try to move on. He was learning to be loved and to cope with things like this without being self-destructive. And it was hard. In a lot of ways, after years of doing so, it was easier to bear the guilt, even if it was manufactured, than to forgive yourself. But Cas deserved someone present and not so stuck in his loops of self-loathing thoughts, so he was going to try.

Cas got back into position on the bench and Dean resumed carefully cleaning and oiling each feather with the tenderest care. It felt different, looking at them now, knowing that they had once been grey. Dean could imagine it.

Cas was enjoying the attention on his wings, 

"Did they still shine sorta rainbow like this? When they were grey?" Dean asked quietly as he worked.

Cas scoffed. "No. They didn't shine at all then. I told you, this is an improvement." He looked down over his shoulder at Dean with a small smile. 

"They were just… plain grey?"

"Yes. Just plain grey."

"And you came to pull me out of hell and they just magically turned black and shiny?" Dean asked as he slowly coated a long primary feather, carefully making sure the vane was shining and perfect, a hint of guilt still ringing in his voice.

"Oh - there - that's nice… Mm, Yes, that's essentially what happened."

Dean was silent for a moment, contemplating. Then he snickered. "I turned you into a giant emo pride flag soon as we met. No wonder the other angels said you were lost the moment you laid a hand on me," he snickered. Cas wasn't sure what that meant, but he was glad it seemed to amuse Dean. 

"All done with this side, Cas," Dean said, standing and coming around to stand in front of him, starting with the scapulars of the right-wing and working outwards. Cas closed his eyes and hummed in appreciation. 

"This is so nice. I very much enjoy this. Normally I don't preen, I just use my grace to maintain my wings and keep them clean, but this is… it's different. Nice. Certainly, no one else has ever preened me," the angel said with a contented sigh. He shifted a bit on the bench and opened up the wing so Dean could better tend to each feather. "I've only ever preened myself before."

Dean snickered slightly and mumbled, "That's what she said."

Cas looked at him, glancing around. "Who?"

Dean let out a peal of laughter at that. "No one, Cas. It's a really old stupid joke. There's no one else here."

"I don't understand."

"Uh, how do I explain it? I guess it's when someone says something that could be sexy, but they don't mean it in a sexy way. "

"Is… preening is 'sexy' to you then?"

"Yeah, I mean, I love your wings. I'm into this, too. But - Cas if I explain the joke it's just not funny anymore."

Cas just looked at him, puzzled for a moment before Dean reached around to his back to get more oil, which even as brief as Dean was making the touches there, completely derailed any thoughts in the angel's mind. Cas gasped a desperate, shuddering breath and his feathers all rustled and puffed each time.

"I love your wings, Cas," Dean whispered, looking into Cas's eyes as he carefully tended to each of the feathers. 

"Dean," Cas said in a low, gravelly tone. 

That got the hunter’s attention. He exhaled shakily, giving Cas a sweeping once over with his eyes, lingering on the angel’s body. "Mmm, Cas. I can see you're hard.”

"Yes. What you're doing is pleasurable and intimate. Besides," Cas drawled, arching his eyebrow and letting his eyes drift down to Dean’s lap, "so are you."

"Yeah, well… uh, anyway... I could do this for you more often. Always, if you want."

Cas tilted his head at Dean. "That's unusual. Wouldn't it be like if I always followed you into the shower and washed your body?"

"Well, maybe not always then, but a lot of the time. But y' know, you _can_ do that, Cas. People do shower together. It's pretty normal… But, uh, even if it was something _'unusual'_ , that doesn't always mean you shouldn't do it. Sometimes weird stuff is, uh... fun."

Cas thought for a moment. "Then why haven't we done that? Shower, I mean?"

Dean looked up at him, feeling strangely bashful for some reason he couldn’t quite bring to the front of his mind. "We can if you want to. Later today, maybe," he muttered.

Cas just nodded contemplatively. "I would very much like to cleanse your body as carefully and thoroughly as you’re preening me."

Dean gave him a shy laugh. "Um, okay, Cas. Now that side is done. Alright, stretch out the other one for me."

Cas complied readily with a dreamy sigh. "You're doing such a thorough job. You're working very hard... doing so well for me." Dean felt the heat in his cheeks and felt his dick twitch at that, which flustered him a bit. 

Cas continued, "I'm impressed, and...It's very arousing," he said with a downward wanting look cast out of the corner of his eye at Dean.

Dean winked, trying to play it cool. "I told you you'd like the surprise. It pays off to let me take care of you, see?"

Cas nodded slowly, but the look on his face had Dean feeling like he wasn't going to be allowed to do this much longer without releasing some of the tension. He had been working on Cas's wings for an hour, and he was pretty sure Cas had been ready to go since before he decided to put on the mini strip show. That before they'd even started on the wings and Dean felt a hot thrill run through him when he thought about that _look_ Cas had given him after he'd found the oil glands... Cas had been so patient. However bad Dean wanted him right now - and oh, how he did - he was pretty sure that without Castiel's unbreakable angelic composure, he'd be practically feral with lust.

He kept at his work, still feeling the thrill of grace electrify him deliciously with every little touch to the feathers. Dean was enjoying this more than he had even anticipated. There was something really special about this, knowing Cas was letting him take care of him, knowing no one else had ever done this for him, knowing he was doing a good job. Not to mention that the feathers were the most beautiful things Dean had ever seen.

Ever since they came out that first night, he’d been obsessed and a little mystified with the wings and it felt like he never got enough time to admire them properly. He still felt a pang of guilt at knowing that the mission to release him from Hell had been the cause of Castiel’s wings turning black - but at the same time, they were much more colorful and interesting now. He was struggling to let it go, but Cas seemed to genuinely like them better, so he was going to try not to let the guilt eat away at him. 

Cas’s small sounds of pleasure were starting to get to him. He was determined to keep working on each feather, making it clean and shiny and making them all point the right way, and working the oil into the warm skin beneath as well. He especially liked the shine of the primary feathers when he got them just right. Of course, Cas kept his wings in order, but Dean wanted to help, wanted to touch them, wanted to do this intimate act that he’d read about angels doing in their mating rituals for Cas.

Finally, he finished the last feather. Dean had stood again to get a better angle, and now he looked down at Cas on the bench. The immediacy of the tension between them increased as his hands moved away from the shimmering wings. It had Dean's cock throbbing in his jeans. He just couldn’t decide if he wanted to tackle Cas or if he wanted to let the angel break the tension himself. 

Dean didn't have to decide. Castiel launched himself off the bench, pinning Dean to the ground with enough force that it took a moment for the hunter to catch his breath. Cas had swiftly pinned Dean's wrists to the ground as they'd fallen, holding them firmly over the hunter's head. Cas looked in Dean's eyes for a moment, then slowly leaned in to kiss him. Dean's eyes began to close, but the angel drew back a fraction of an inch. "No. Open your eyes. Look at me." 

It took Dean aback, but he did. Then Cas kissed him slowly and chastely, locking eyes with him all the while. Sometimes the hunter forgot that Cas was inexperienced and not human. He wouldn't get that this was weird. Something about it made Dean feel especially vulnerable, so he didn't say anything. 

"You have beautiful eyes. And a beautiful soul," Cas whispered, still holding Dean's gaze. 

Dean felt his cheeks heat up and he broke the eye contact. He wanted to protest the word "beautiful", but deciding it couldn't be too emasculating because that's how he described Cas's wings. 

Cas closed his eyes, giving Dean silent permission to break the gaze, but didn't release the hunter's wrists. The angel dipped down for another deeper kiss, running the tip of his tongue along the seam of Dean's lips softly, seeking entrance. Dean let out a soft sound into the kiss and parted his lips eagerly. The angel kissed him deeply and slowly, exploring Dean's mouth with a patient enthusiasm that felt powerful and ardent, and absolutely slayed Dean with his commanding tenderness. 

Every kiss Cas imparted to Dean was deliberate and thoughtful, but there felt like something more here, something quiet but monumentally significant. Dean kissed Cas with equal dedication and care. He wanted to empty every ounce of love into this kiss, to make Cas feel the solidity and intensity of his fondness. It felt like they kissed for ages, seasons could have changed and all the earth could have melted away but them.

Dean guessed that the intimacy of preening the angel for so long must have gone deeper than the physical sensations, which is what he was going for. He felt relief at the realization that his message carried through, that he could speak "I love you, I love you, I love you" without words. Cas was being so heartfelt and intense, and it melted the hunter entirely.

Vaguely, Dean was aware of the Zepp tape was still going, hearing "Thank You" play as they lay there in the garden.

_If the sun refused to shine_

_I would still be loving you_

_When mountains crumble to the sea_

_There will still be you and me_

That seemed ridiculously apropos at the moment.

Cas made a small sound, vibrating through their kiss, and Dean couldn't help but buck his hips then. Cas zapped away their clothes. 

"Man, now that you did that thing with your tie I know you know how sexy undressing can be. You just cut right to the chase every time," Dean said, caught somewhere between exasperated, aroused, and amused.

"Clothes are a pathetic human reaction to shame," Cas spat, "but you should not _be_ ashamed. I would have you naked always if I could, just as you were meant to be," he said, turning affectionate toward the end. The angel ran the bridge of his nose slowly across Dean's, breathing him in slowly.

Cas wanted Dean to fill all his senses. He'd tasted his kiss, breathed his scent, seen into his eyes - his very soul. Now he intended to feel him with every nerve in his vessel and hear every sound he could summon from the hunter.

“You smell really good, Cas,” Dean murmured, lust drunk.

“Mm. Pheromones. From the oil.”

“Oh,” was all Dean could say, locking his sage green eyes on Castiel’s.

“Let me up, Cas. Sit on the bench. I’m not done taking care of you.”

“Dean,” Cas complained, “my wings are perfect, please.”

“No, I don’t mean your wings.”

“Ah, in that case,” Cas said, releasing Dean’s wrists and sitting on the bench in all his holy, naked glory, wings spread wide. Dean wanted to chuckle at the realization Cas was trying to impress him with his big, beautiful wings, but… it was effective. He took a moment as he stood to take in the captivating image of his partner, ready for him and still trying to impress him, posture for him, even though he knew damn well that Cas was completely aware he had Dean by hook, line, and sinker.

“What do you have in mind, Dean?” Cas breathed.

Dean let his eyes rake over the angel slowly, then met his eyes again. “I’m gonna suck you off.”

“What?”

Dean sighed. He forgot that sometimes phrasing was lost on Cas.

“I’m going to blow you. Suck your dick, you know?”

“Ah, fellatio. That was nice the last time.”

“Uh… yeah,” Dean said, shaking his head a little. 

He dramatically dropped to his knees before Cas, trying to reclaim the mood. “Get comfy,” he said, looking up at the angel. Without any buildup or warning, the hunter opened his mouth and took Cas right down to the base of his achingly hard cock, eliciting a shocked yelp from the holy creature.

Dean began slowly bobbing, sucking lightly then harder, lightly then harder, over and over. He began swiping his tongue along the underside of Cas’s length in a rolling motion that reminded Cas of the ebb and flow of the tides, all the while keeping his maddeningly slow pace. Cas thought maybe he understood a little better why the French called it “la petite mort” now because all this sensation was surely about to kill him.

Dean was doing so much, giving so much variation all at once. It was almost too much to bear. Cas was gasping, moaning, trying to hold onto reality. Dean had done this before, but everything was so intense now - maybe it was the preening, maybe it was that they were more familiar with one another now, but something was different, gloriously different. Cas was less guarded from sensation than he had been since the handcuffs, feeling it all so raw and all-consuming. He didn't know and he didn't care what it was, because the only thought in his head was _don't stop, don't stop_. He laid a hand softly in Dean's soft blond hair, trying to ground himself.

Dean was loving every second of this. Cas was moaning his name, writhing perfectly, helpless to him. The hunter began humming in reaction to Cas's beautiful sounds, which excited Cas even more. He was getting into it now, dragging his blunt nails down Cas's thick, muscled thighs, and opening his eyes to look up at his lover. He felt a thrill when he saw how beautifully wrecked Cas's face was. 

"Ah - Dean," Cas groaned, "I… I'm-"

"Mmmhmm," Dean hummed in encouragement, enthusiastically speeding up and beginning to give him just a little more consistency 9f sensation. He was excited to witness this. 

Cas muttered something in Enochian in the most broken, wanting voice. He gasped Dean's name, and he spilled endlessly into the hunter's mouth.

Cas pulsed in luminescence, bathing the garden up brilliantly with celestial light, wings flaring out violently, and a shrill cry in his true voice. Dean eased up, coaxing him sweetly through his orgasm, still bathed in the white light, eyes open all the while. It seemed to last forever and the light was so bright. But it didn't hurt. 

When Dean pulled off, he looked into Cas's eyes, still powering down from the angelic glow - and swallowed. Cas let out a broken gasp at that and growled, pulling the hunter close. 

"You're beautiful, Dean," he said, locking eyes with him, the afterglow still very literally fading from his eyes. The comment made Dean blush again. "But," Cas said, gaze drifting down to Dean's lips, "You missed some. Right here," and he placed an open mouth kiss on the corner of the hunter's mouth, softly lapping up a drop of come. Dean moaned aloud then. Cas kissed Dean again slowly, letting his taste spread into their kiss. When Cas released him, Dean collapsed to the ground, saying "Jesus fucking christ," and letting his eyes fall closed with a groan.

"No. I'm Castiel," the seraph said with a mischievous grin.

Dean chuckled weakly. "Don't talk to me right now if all you have to say are shitty jokes," he chided playfully. 

"That's not all I have to say. How would you like to come, Dean?" 

Dean felt his heart thud violently in his chest and the tension low in his belly coil even further. Leave it to Cas to go from a poorly constructed joke to hot as hell pillow talk with no transition. 

"Uhhh, wow…Will you blow me? Would you want to do that, Cas?" He suggested quietly. He wasn't sure anyone had asked him what he wanted before. Dean had always been the one to ask questions like that in his past. Cas was so different, more generous than anyone else he had been with. Sometimes it struck Dean that what Cas lacked in experience, he made up for in enthusiasm and willingness to give.

"Yes. I'd like very much to taste you. I've never done this before...I hope I can please you," he said. Dean thought it was insane that a celestial being was about to give him a blowjob - and he was _worried_ about it. 

"Cas, whatever you do will be awesome."

Castiel smiled warmly at Dean as he came over to him, who laid out in the grass eagerly for his angel. He positioned himself over the righteous man, placing sweet kisses down his chest, clavicle, abdomen, and then making his way lower and lower, slowly. He let his hands roam over the hunter's body, finally coming to rest where his hips and thighs met for a moment before grasping the base of Dean’s cock firmly and, after a slightly quizzical look, licking it curiously. He seemed to decide it was not too bad, and swallowed Dean down to the hilt, sucking lightly, as if to test before ramping up the intensity a bit. It took him a while to find a rhythm he liked, but not too long. 

It also didn’t take Dean long to realize that Cas had no gag reflex. Cas repeatedly took him all the way to the back of his throat as if it was nothing, which utterly had Dean whimpering. Dean was aware that this was not going to last long at all. As always, the angel was a quick study and he seemed to find his stride easily after a short time of experimenting with different variables. Cas carefully observed and mentally noted each of Dean’s reactions and when he got a good one, he vigorously pursued repeating his actions. Dean was an absolute mess, sweating and thrashing and moaning Castiel’s name over and over. 

Dean meant to warn Cas - it was his first time blowing someone, after all. But he barely got Cas’s name out of his mouth before he was coming heartily down Cas’s throat.

Cas looked very surprised - Dean would have found it funny if he’d had the mental fortitude, but presently he was barely capable of forming thought, his head buzzing in a felicitous static instead as he gasped and moaned.

When Dean was through the waves of orgasmic pleasure, Cas pulled away, making a face, and unceremoniously spat the load onto the ground. “Ugh. That’s awful.”

Dean was a little insulted. He was trying to enjoy his afterglow and an angel just insulted his jizz. “What do you mean by that? You can’t even taste it! Just molecules, right?” He snapped.

“It’s true. But they weren’t good molecules.”

Dean sat up on his elbows with an incredulous look. _“What’s wrong with my molecules?!”_

“I’m not sure. Perhaps you’re ill,” Cas shrugged.

“Oh, okay, I have sickening molecules, great, thanks _babe_ ,” he retorted, “but you liked it when you tasted your _own_ molecules in my mouth and I didn’t spit. Never took you for a quitter, Cas.”

“There wasn’t that much left in your mouth by the time you kissed me. You ejaculated quite a lot,” Cas said with a shrug. 

“Why are we having this buzzkill of a fucking conversation…? I… Ugh, whatever,” Dean said. Barely a breath later, he sighed. “You know what, Cas? That’s fine. We know something you don’t like now. I can’t complain. You just deepthroated me like your life fuckin’ depended on it and it was… ha, it was fucking _awesome_ , Cas. If you don’t like my molecules, well… I guess I can live with that,” he chuckled. The guy was entitled to have things he wasn’t into. That was okay. 

“I’m so glad you enjoyed that,” Cas said fondly. He looked away then. “Dean. You called me babe,” he said, pretending it was of no consequence. But Dean knew better.

“What?”

“You called me babe,” Cas repeated, still looking off into the woods outside the garden, fixated on anything but Dean. 

“It doesn’t count, I was being shitty.”

“Oh,” he said, pretending not to be crestfallen. 

“Do you… want me to call you babe?” Dean said, surprised.

Cas shrugged. “If you like. I wouldn’t mind it. Although, I do like ‘sunshine’ better.”

“You want me to give you more pet names?” 

“I like it when you assign affectionate monikers and endearments to me, yes.”

“Huh. Well, um, alright, sweetheart.”

“That’s a nice one. I like that.”

Dean nodded with a smile.

“Stop lying in the dirt. You look silly.”  
  
  


“You know, you could be sweeter today if you want me to call you goofy assed names. ‘I don’t like your molecules, you look silly’, blah blah blah,” Dean grouched as he stood up. “Ugh. I am filthy though.” 

“Yes, I know.”

Dean just rolled his eyes and began putting his clothes back on.

____________________________________________________________________________

Later that evening, as the two laid together on the couch watching their third episode of a telenovela Cas was obsessed with and Dean was pretending not to like, Dean’s phone rang. “Oh, it's Sam. Pause it?”

“You don’t like it, Dean. Why would you want me to pause it?” Cas challenged him. He knew Dean liked it. 

“If you’re going to make me watch this crap I don’t want to be confused while I do it,” he snarked.

Cas sighed, rolling his eyes, and paused the television.

“Sammy! How’s the hunt?”

“Uh, hey Dean. It went well we finished up… oh, a while ago.”

Dean smiled. “Good, good. You laying the charm on good and heavy, then?”

“Shut up. But… uh, I was just calling to say I think I’ll stay here with Eileen for a few days. You know. Just to hang out," the younger brother said sheepishly. He knew Dean would catch on, but he was still trying to be veiled about it.

Dean arched his eyebrows and whistled into the phone. “Sam, you sly dog,” he said with a laugh.

“Shut up,” Sam laughed. 

“Well, good luck, have fun, use protection. I’ll let you two get back to it.”

“Shut UP, Dean!”

Dean laughed and hung up the phone. 

“Well, Cas, looks like you and me have the place to ourselves a little longer. Sam is staying with Eileen for a few days.”

“That’s very nice. I hope they have a good time together.”

“Oh, I think they will. They're having a _very_ good time, I'd say. Now, turn your show back on.”

Cas looked at him. “Hmm, today is ‘my day’, correct? All about me?”

“Yeah, that’s the goal.”

Cas handed him the empty popcorn bowl with a raised eyebrow. “Could you make some more first?”

“Dude! Did you eat the rest of this while I was on the phone? That was like… thirty seconds!” Dean said incredulously.

“It feels nice. I like the texture,” was all Cas had to say, stretching languorously on the sofa, making it clear he had no intention to move.

“You have a real problem. It can’t be healthy to eat that much of anything,” Dean said as he made his way back into the kitchen. 

“As if you have any right to judge. Besides, what I consume has no effect on my health.”

Dean rolled his eyes and began to make more popcorn for the angel, but he couldn’t help but think this felt more like the white picket fence life than he’d ever had with Lisa. The ribbing banter felt like a kind of security he didn’t know he’d been missing at all. Perhaps because he and Cas had been doing that for a long time. He thought that maybe it was so nice because it reaffirmed that nothing had really changed between them - just grown, evolved. And he thought he could live very happily with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I TOLD YOU it was kind of stupid! =D I hope you liked it anyway. <3 It was a lot of fun to write. I'm thinking of having a little holiday intermission for the boys and Jack. I don't know about you guys, but seeing Dean and Cas be good dads is so endearing. <3 Let me know if you liked the chapter and if you're interested in the holiday intermission! I can post it in a one-shot maybe if y'all would like that better. You are all the best! Your kudos and comments just absolutely MAKE MY DAY! ^_^ I know I say that all the time, but it really means so much to me how supportive you all are. <3
> 
> Oh, and if you wanna chat, you can mssg me on tumblr @ minxyone93! =]


	9. Love is Not Easily Angered and Keeps No Record of Your Wrongs, So Can the Guilt Already

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The couple continues to enjoy their alone time, but Dean falls into a guilty spiral. Cas helps him feel better and gives him adoration and affirmations aplenty. He's very supportive and helps Dean a lot. Afterward, they have a spicy interlude where Dean explains his needs to Cas and they try something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Slight possible **trigger warning** - Dean has a little bit of an anxiety attack and dissociates a little, but Cas helps him out and makes him feel much better (not just in a sexy way, that's after). If that's not for you, I've put a series of six asterisks ( ****** ) at the end of that, so you can skip ahead by using Ctrl+F on a computer and typing it in or "Find" feature in the browser on your phone. It's really not a bad one, but I wanted to give Cas the opportunity to get that bad self-talk out of Dean's head. I don't think it would be super triggering, but I'd rather let you know just in case! Sometimes we can't handle that and that's okay!
> 
> <3 Love you all, you folks on AO3 are just the sweetest folks and I love you to bits! 
> 
> A reminder that I update any relevant tags with each new chapter, so please do be sure to check that out if you're ever worried. I have some weird things that trigger me and I am likely to over-tag rather than under tag.
> 
> Update:   
> This chapter previously had a reference to Busty Asian Beauties, which I have since changed. It was meant to be a joke, but I have realized that was an unacceptable display of casual racism. I am so very sorry I included that and will endeavor to be better going forward. I am very embarrassed about this and very sorry. I should have known better than to include something like that, but I allowed my privilege to allow me to overlook the implications. <3

Cas stayed in Dean's bed again that night. Waking up to the soft smile of an ancient, celestial, winged creature cocooning him in his arms and velvety feathers two days in a row was perfect. Dean couldn't even be grouchy. Although he still did want coffee, so he dragged himself out of bed and trudged into the kitchen blearily. As he milled about the kitchen preparing breakfast and coffee, Castiel walked up to him, curiously watching as he fried bacon. "Teach me to cook," Cas said unexpectedly. 

It took Dean by surprise. He thought for a moment. "Why? You don't eat."

"I want to cook for you. You enjoy food so much. I can give you gifts of food if you teach me how to do it well. It must have some nuance to it because it clearly involves more than just heating the proteins to a certain temperature."

"You wanna cook for me, huh? That's…" he was going to make a sarcastic remark about having a housewife, but changed his mind.

_Fuck that,_ he thought suddenly, furrowing his brow. _Dudes can cook. I cook._

"...actually, that's nice, Cas," he said warmly instead. "Um… I'll try to show you. So, with bacon, you want it crispy, but not burnt. It's a fine line, you gotta watch it but you can't obsess, you gotta let it do its thing." 

Cas looked at Dean, nodding seriously, focusing on the bacon intently. "How long does it take?"

"Just a few minutes. You just gotta watch it. Here, you can do it," Dean said, shifting and pulling Cas in front of the stove. Cas picked up the spatula and zeroed in on the bacon, brow furrowed as he focused. 

"Don't stare at it, just watch it," Dean suggested.

Cas flashed him a confused look. "What's the difference?" He asked.

"Uh, never mind. Why don't you put some toast in while you wait?"

Cas did but nervously kept an eye on the bacon the entire time, as though it may spontaneously burst into flame at any time. 

"It doesn't cook that fast, Cas. You don't have to look so stressed, man."

"I'm not. I just want to ensure my first attempt at frying bacon for you goes well."

"Didn't you ever cook when you were human?"

"I was homeless, Dean. Unless the roller grill at the Gas n Sip counts as cooking, no. My favorite food was peanut butter and grape jelly. It was not exactly 'fine cuisine'."

Dean recoiled slightly at the reminder. He still felt a lot of guilt over kicking Cas out. He hesitated for a moment, unsure if he wanted to open the sensitive issue up for further discussion. 

_He's my partner now. I've gotta talk to him about this stuff,_ he thought with a grimace and sigh. It wasn't his usual style, but he had never wanted _forever_ with someone before. He sucked in a deep breath and tried to suppress the cold feeling gripping his heart.

"Cas. You know I regret that, right? I never wanted you to leave. Even though I thought I was doing the _right_ thing, it was the last thing I _wanted_ to do. I shoulda talked to you, told you what was going on. I think about it a lot," Dean lamented, wringing his hands before placing one softly in the small of Cas's back as he stood next to him by the stove.

"I know, Dean. You told me then how sorry you were. I forgive you, I told you that," Cas said, barely looking away from the bacon, but the warmth in his voice conveying his earnestness. 

"I know you do, Cas, but… you _shouldn't_. Man, that was fucked up. You don't have to forgive someone for doing something like that to you," Dean said, swallowing hard and moving his hand away from Cas. He didn't feel like he deserved to touch him.

"Stop."

Dean blinked. "Huh?"

"Your self-flagellation. I am well aware that you made a mistake. You wronged me. I know. I know that's not the only mistake you've made," Cas said, finally facing Dean fully.

"Uh, yeah," Dean cringed. That was all true, but it wasn't exactly comforting to hear. 

"And I am aware that I _don't_ _have_ to forgive you." Cas waited, giving Dean a serious look, letting it sink in before he continued. 

"And that doesn't matter, not at all. I know I don't have to forgive you. I _choose_ to. And I do. Completely. As I know you have forgiven me for my own transgressions," he said, gripping Dean's hand tightly. 

"All that is left, Dean, is for you to forgive yourself," he said, squeezing Dean's hand affectionately. 

Cas thought of embracing him, but he got the sense that would overwhelm the hunter right now. He simply stroked his thumb along the back of Dean's hand gently instead, giving him a kind, loving smile. He looked into Dean's eyes, trying to see into him, trying to pick apart the emotions Dean was giving off. 

Dean sighed. "Cas?" he breathed sadly. 

"Yes, Dean?"

"You need to flip the bacon." Dean had chickened out. 

Cas's face flashed an alarmed expression as he quickly turned back to the bacon, carefully turning each piece. Dean breathed out in relief. 

Dean wasn't sure he'd ever forgive himself - not just for that, but for everything. All the snarky jabs at Cas, all the times he took him for granted, the times he watched him die, all the times he'd let him walk away - or outright pushed him away. For all the times he'd failed to fight for Cas. Dean wanted to say something profound, something that conveyed the depth of his guilt, that could make Cas understand why he couldn't let it go so easily. But he didn't know what words those were, and more importantly, he wasn't sure if he wanted to say them for Cas or for himself. So he bit back whatever response had been trying to bubble up and watched Cas tend to his breakfast instead. 

"This one is curling. Is it ruined?"

"No," Dean chuckled. "See the grease bubbling up? Just push it flat into it with the fork. It'll cook up fine."

"Now they're all doing that," Cas said, slightly frustrated. "It would be faster to use my grace."

Dean chuckled, standing behind him and snaking his hand around Cas's waist as the angel insistently pressed down the curling ends of the bacon into the popping oil. 

"Y'know, Cas," Dean crooned into his ear, "some things are worth doing nice," he said pausing to nibble on Cas's ear, "and slow." 

Cas sighed and leaning back into Dean's embrace. "I'm aware that you think that. That's why I'm going to learn," he said with a childlike determination, staring the bacon down. 

"It looks about done. You can put it on that plate there. Wanna fry the eggs?"

"Yes, show me."

"You got it, sunshine," Dean said with a smile. He didn't know how he had it this good. He got the eggs from the fridge and set them before Cas. 

"Fried eggs are easy. Always good too, 'specially if you fry 'em over easy in bacon grease like this," Dean said, opening the carton and cracking the egg deftly with one hand into the popping oil. 

Cas watched as the whites began to bubble and become opaque at the edges with a rigorous intense focus. 

"Cas, man, chill out. It's not like, rocket science. It's just eggs."

"It's how you like your eggs. I will commit it to memory so I can make you eggs just how you like."

Dean gave Cas a wistful smile as he placed an egg in his hand. "Just the fact you wanna make me food is kinda nice. Mom and Bobby are the only ones that ever made hot meals for me. And… well you know they weren't exactly five-star chefs."

Cas didn't understand the emotional connection humans made with food. He didn't understand why this was so meaningful to his hunter beyond a means of sustenance, but he knew it was. In his research of human courtship, before he had stopped, he had repeatedly seen that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. The idiom had escaped him for a time, but he finally caught on and began to realize that was especially true of Dean Winchester. 

Cas had been thinking of learning to cook for some time, but he realized that this was more a matter of subjective taste and performance than a precision task. He needed to be able to cook food _Dean_ liked, not just what a cookbook and technical knowledge could teach him. Since he didn't have the requisite emotional connection with food, he decided to forge one by asking Dean to teach him.

"If you teach me, I will make you hot meals whenever you like," Cas said. In a very heartfelt tone, he continued, putting a hand on his heart, "I know you love food." 

Dean laughed and guided Cas through cracking the egg, salting and peppering them, buttering the toast, and starting the coffee. Soon the meal was done and they sat together. Cas watched intently as Dean took his first bite, relieved by his enthusiastic thumbs up. Things felt so warm, so normal, so… happy. 

And of course, when Dean let the front of his brain realize that, he started to feel a cold weight in his chest. He was happy. He'd been happy for a while now. What was going to go wrong, then? At first, he felt just a little pressure and a slight sinking feeling in his chest. Sort of like a storm cloud looming over his mind. But through the day, it grew and grew. Coupled with the guilt on his mind he was now calling himself back to again and again, he started to feel terrible. Like there was some event waiting around the corner that was ready to snatch Cas and this joy from him. For Dean, it was the times when things were going right that he was most on edge. Because things for Dean had been wrong much more of the time they had been right, so the moments where he felt joy were more like countdown timers to the next catastrophe than anything else. 

For a short time, Cas ignored the waves of anxiety rolling off of the hunter. This happened from time to time and typically Dean sorted it out himself shortly. But when it not only never let up but in fact got worse, he got worried. Within an hour after breakfast, Dean was not really speaking to him, instead staring off in the distance and fixating on thoughts within, not hearing Cas at all. Cas could sense Dean's feelings, he could sense that steely fear weighing in his heart and mind. Cas decided to help Dean relax. He more or less dragged the apprehensive, jittery hunter into the shower room, carefully removing Dean's flannel with warm hands as he began to speak softly. 

"I thought I might wash you like we'd talked about yesterday if you like. I can sense something is wrong, Dean. I sense your worry. Your guilt and fear. I thought this might allow you to relax with me, and talk... But if you don't want to talk, that's also fine. I just want to reassure you. Is that alright? May I wash you?"

Dean felt a little dumbfounded. He forgot how completely Cas understood him. "Yeah, Cas. I'd like that," he said, feeling the dread that was gripping his heart lighten just a bit. 

"Thank you, Dean. I'm glad. Get the water how you like it," he said beginning to strip. Cas was tempted to use his grace to undress, but if he was going to be here, loving a human, he had to do things to experience the world more like a human, even if they were stupid and time-consuming. It amazed him how willing Dean was to do things slowly when he had a more efficient means readily available, but he was willing to try it his hunter's way.

Dean slowly took his clothes off, for some reason he found himself absentmindedly folding them neatly and placing them on the counter. He didn't mean to be doing it, his mind just sort of felt like it was on auto-pilot. He straightened each wrinkle and got absorbed in the texture of the fabrics, but his mind was replaying his failures. 

"Dean," Cas said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. It brought Dean out of whatever hyper fixation he was in too suddenly. Dean jerked with a shocked gasp, then tried to laugh the jumpy reaction off. 

"Uh, sorry, Cas. Guess I was thinking of something else."

"I know. I'm sorry I frightened you. Come, turn on the water. I don't know what temperature you prefer," the angel said softly. 

Dean nodded and turned away from his pile of neatly folded clothes. He felt so small inside, it felt like a monumental task to lift his arm and find the right ratio of hot to cold water for some reason as all the thoughts guilt, and fear ricocheted throughout his head, over and over.

But then there was Cas, coming up behind him with his strong, warm hands and placing them on Dean's shoulders. 

"Tell me about this worry. What has you like this? Can you tell me?"

Dean just shook his head. Not yet.

"Okay, that's fine. Let's just get you calm."

Dean whipped around to face Cas, gripping him desperately by the shoulders. "You - your grace. The light. It made me feel calm before. Yesterday, in the garden. Please?"

"That's understandable. I can do that for you."

Cas gently removed Dean's hands from him and slowly began to light up the shower room with the brilliance of his grace. The hot water poured down Dean's back and steam rose up against the white beaming light, creating bands of color projecting in all directions, like a kaleidoscope. Dean felt the light warm the very core of him and it felt almost physical the moment the self-doubt and guilt and fear lost its grip and melted away. He could almost feel the thoughts that were assaulting his mind dissipate. He felt a warm tranquility blanket him instead, his worries dissolved and his mind at ease. 

_Dean, do you trust me?_

The hunter wasn't sure if he heard the voice in his ears or in his mind. "Yes," he answered breathlessly aloud.

Cas moved forward, so bright Dean could barely see his features, his entire body burning with the brilliant light. His luminous hands came to touch Dean's cheeks, deepening the calm and peace he felt. They were so warm and the contact sent tingling energy through his body. Cas brought his lips to Dean's softly, yet there was a powerful electric feel to it. Even as the righteous man's eyes closed reflexively for the kiss, the light still felt visible through his eyes. It should have hurt - even sunlight that bright would hurt - but it didn't. 

The kiss was not inherently sexual, but instead deeply intimate. It lasted only seconds before Cas let his grace settle and pulled away, but Dean felt something incredible. He had no words to describe it. It wasn't a physical sensation, but it left him breathless anyway, like some sort of mental-emotional vertigo. His hand reflexively went to his chest and he felt tears in his eyes - was it joy? Relief? He didn't know. His bewildered eyes found Cas's. He wanted to ask, _What was that? What happened?_ But he was speechless.

"Are you alright?" Cas asked sweetly, putting his hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean nodded. 

"Did you feel that?" The angel asked.

Dean nodded again, still trying to catch his breath. 

"Your soul reached out to my grace. Nothing bad. Please don't be frightened. We just became a little closer in that moment. That's all."

Dean summoned the strength for words with great effort. "I'm not afraid, Cas. I've just never felt anything like that before. That was incredible."

Cas disagreed that it didn't frighten Dean, but he didn't challenge that aloud. He just smiled. "Do you feel better? Calmer?"

"Yeah. Yeah, thank you."

"Will you tell me what got you so upset now, then?" He probed gently as he lathered soap onto a washcloth behind Dean, quietly observing the foamy bubbles. 

Dean hesitated and looked at his feet, bare on the wet tiles. He watched the water swirling down the drain. 

"I just… I feel really shitty about all the times I've treated you so badly. Kicking you out, hurting you, ignoring you. And I was thinkin' about how nice it's been to have you here. With me. And that I don't deserve it but it makes me happy. But I'm afraid it will end. Afraid you'll leave. Or somethin' will happen to you." He said quietly, fixated now on the curls of steam rising up from the shower floor. 

Cas curled a finger and lifted Dean's chin to face him.

"No." That was all he said.

"No?"

"That's what I said."

"No, _what_?"

“‘No’ to all of what’s in your mind right now. No, you shouldn't feel guilty. No, nothing is going to happen just because you're happy. No, you shouldn't tell yourself things like that, and no, you should not think you're stupid because you're not. You have feelings. That's all."

"Are you in my head again, Cas?" 

"It's very loud, the things you're thinking, and we just had a very spiritually intimate moment so forgive me if I can hear you _yelling_ in there," Cas sassed with a sharp look as he took the washcloth and began to wash Dean's chest very slowly with too much soap. Bubbles were dripping everywhere, leaving little shining trails on Dean’s skin. 

"Okay, fine," Dean acquiesced with a half-hearted shrug.

"Good things do happen, Dean," Cas sighed with a sad smile. "I still say the same things to you all these years later. I just wish you could accept them."

"Well, all these years later I still say the same thing too,” Dean snarked a little, then softened, “not in my experience. I've had a lot more proof of bad than good, Cas. Can you blame me?"

Cas swirled the washcloth around Dean's collar bones, pressing warm fingers along the ridge of bone in a firm massaging motion as his eyes admired the hunter. "Of course I don't blame you. I just wish I knew how to show you differently. Things will be different now that God is not actively plotting your demise - now, he's your loving child. He’s still Jack."

"Yeah, well I feel kinda fucked up over Jack too. I mean you know - I wasn't always good to him, or not as good as I shoulda been. He deserved better, I was hard on him and expected so much of him and now he’s fuckin’ GOD. And just like you, he loved me anyway. Always forgave me. He even looked up to me," Dean whispered, blinking back tears.

Cas sighed. "He still does, Dean. And none of us have been perfect for Jack. But we've all tried. And Chuck was using the tension between all three of us from our differing views of Jack to try and accomplish his grotesque 'perfect ending'. But you overcame that. I think that's wonderful. And Jack understands, Dean. If you're worried about it, you could pray to him. He always answers."

"He does?" Dean said, surprised. 

"Yes. Please try it sometime. I think you need to hear what he has to say."

There was a lull of silence as Dean contemplated what he might say. Cas used this time to meticulously clean each of Dean's fingers, gently scrubbing his nail beds and in between each digit. Dean was thankful for the mystical supply of endless hot water the bunker had to offer because he knew they had a while yet to go and Cas was in no hurry. Once the angel was satisfied with the cleanliness of his hand, the angel rinsed it and placed a tender kiss on the back.

"Dean, I was wondering. How do you cope with these feelings when I'm not around?"

Dean sighed. "Not well, Cas. You know. I drink or hunt, that's it."

"Hmm. Not only that, not anymore. You’ve found a new way to lead your mind away from destruction. Creating things - like the garden and the box."

The angel made gentle circular motions as he cleaned Dean's arm, painting it in a layer of lather.

"I guess that's true," Dean admitted. 

"It's important for you to have multiple methods to center yourself and quiet your mind. I like the healthier ones. I like that you've begun creating things. Perhaps you should make more intangible things."

Cas gently cupped Dean's face with one hand and cradled the back of his head with the other. He tilted Dean's head back gently into the water to wet his hair. Dean closed his eyes and leaned into the touch eagerly with a soft sound, letting the hot water rush over him. 

Cas liked seeing Dean like this - heartfelt and pliant. Trusting. So beautiful. Cas thought he looked like some sort of glorious painting, with the shimmering water droplets spraying all around him and the light glittering from the water on his skin, highlighting him perfectly. Rivulets of water ran down the righteous man's visage, making graceful shining tracks along Dean's strong jawline, beautifully sculpted cheeks, and his strong features. Castiel took it all in with a contented hum as he committed it to his memory. He would remember this for eternity. A perfect moment. 

As Cas brought the hunter's head forward and carefully massaged the shampoo through his hair, Dean finally spoke. "What d’you mean, making something 'intangible'?"

"Mm, yes. Music," Cas said as if it was obvious. 

"Music? What are you talking about? You're crazy," Dean chuckled. 

Cas tilted the hunter's head back into the water again. 

"No. You love music. You should play music."

"I love porno mags too, doesn't mean I should _become_ a centerfold. Just enjoying the mag is good enough, just like popping in a record is good enough. I don't need to play."

Cas rolled his eyes. "You know how to play."

Dean drew his head back, giving the angel a dubious look. "How do you know that?"

"Sam told me you used to play."

"Sam needs to stop running his damn mouth. I didn't get to practice much living on the road. I was never any good. I don't remember how anyway."

"That doesn't matter. You should do things for the joy of them, not for mastery. And you can learn again."

Dean scoffed but didn't continue arguing. Cas quietly continued, washing Dean's other arm with equal care, a self-satisfied smirk gracing his lips. 

After a while, Cas whispered to Dean to turn around. The angel scrubbed his back gently, then paused as he felt the tension in every muscle. Cas frowned. He knew human muscles were supposed to be firm but supple, but now Dean's felt like steel. Cas coated his hunter's back gently with the suds, then began to work on the muscles, gently infusing each circle of firm pressure he applied with healing grace. 

Soon the hunter was lightly gasping and letting out small vocalizations as Cas released the knots and ugly tension in his back and shoulders. The angel might not be a human expert and he might fumble when it came to social skills, but this - he could do this for Dean. With his grace to assist, the tense flesh became relaxed in minutes. 

"Still holding that guilt inside. I thought we fixed that," Castiel sighed as he turned back to cleaning his hunter.

"I have things I need to make up for. Nothin' new. You helped, but some things are too big to let go completely, man. This is just how it is, Cas."

Cas sighed. "I wish you could see you the way I see you. How you truly are," he said sadly. 

Dean shifted uncomfortably and didn't respond, but Cas could sense his heart lighten just a bit more. "I don't think there are any words I could say that would convey to you what I mean. You are so amazing, Dean. Kind. Loving." The angel didn't want to push too far. There was a delicate balance with giving Dean praise when he was down like this. Too much and he'd become distrustful. Too little and his own cruel thoughts would drown out any praise.

Cas knelt down and began carefully washing Dean's legs. 

****** 

Dean chuckled. "Jesus, Cas."

"Hmm?"

"You really gonna do a full detail here?"

"I don't understand. I'm going to wash you." 

"Everything?"

"Oh yes. Everything," the angel confirmed, running a hand along the side of Dean's leg. "So lovely."

"You're gonna make me blush," Dean muttered with a dark chuckle. 

"You're already blushing."

"You aren't even looking at my face!"

"Look at me, then."

Dean looked down and met Cas's eye. 

"As I said, blushing."

Dean grumbled something as Cas made his way to Dean's foot. 

"Let me clean your foot."

"God, you're weird. Okay," Dean said, shaking his head and lifting his foot. 

Cas began washing it with the same gentle attention as he'd given the rest of Dean's body. He noticed the hunter was shaking. 

"Dean, are you alright?"

Dean giggled. "Just hurry, Cas, it tickles."

Cas smiled and finished, then moved on to the other leg and foot.

"Uh...are you really going to wash my _ass_? It seems… weird," Dean blurted. 

"I thought you said weird could be good? I intend to. If you don't feel comfortable with it, I won't."

Dean hesitated, feeling his cheeks heat as the blush deepened. 

"No, uh… I guess you can."

"No guesses. A yes or a no. I'll know if you're lying."

Dean hesitated again. "Yes."

Cas stood behind Dean and very gingerly grasped his wrists, then lifted them to brace against the shower wall. He then gripped Dean by the hips, moving them back toward himself. 

"You want me to stick my ass out for you?! Like some… pin-up girl?"

"What is your problem with it? It's just another part of your body," Cas said exasperated. "A beautiful part," he added quietly, admiring it.

"I'm not - I don't have a problem. I just… it feels weird to give it that much attention and... posing me and stuff, 's just _weird_."

"Have you changed your mind?"

"...uh, no," Dean admitted, looking down at the tiles again. 

"Alright then."

Cas began his task. He didn't understand why Dean was so shy suddenly. To him, it didn't seem different than cleaning his arm or leg. All of Dean was beautiful to Cas. 

Dean shuddered as Cas continued his careful work.

_There's a fucking angel, on his knees, behind me in the shower, scrubbing my ass cheeks,_ he thought. _And he's so damn sweet and… downright casual about it._

Dean felt the intensity of his blush creep down his neck. His whole face was hot. Mainly because he liked it against all expectations. But this weird thing Cas was doing was surprisingly nice, however much it unsettled him. He felt that he should find it emasculating or too intimate, but instead, he just felt deeply cared for and adored

If it was anyone else but Cas, they'd be doing it for some sexual humiliation thing or fetish or something. But not Cas. This was about learning to be intimate, unabashed, to be close to him, and care for him. Dean tried to relax, let go of his preconceived notions of what this should be. It wasn't even inherently sexual - sure there was an element of sex here, and Dean was certainly turned on - but it wasn't the main purpose. Cas just wanted to appreciate all of him. But Dean shuddered a bit more as Cas neared his hole, making a sort of indecent sound that died in his throat, jerking away from the angel's touch slightly. Cas paused and pulled away from the hunter.

"Are you alright?" 

"Yep!" Dean squeaked.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No! Just… c'mon," he grumbled.

Cas pulled away and stood up. "No. I sense that you're uncomfortable. I find that peculiar since I have made love to you and neither of us are strangers to this, but maybe there's some sort of social intricacy I'm misunderstanding."

Dean turned to face him, making awkward hand gestures and trying to find the right words. "I - no, Cas… well. It's _weird_ to wash me there. Right?"

"I'm asking you, Dean."

"Uh, right. Well… I don't know. It's hard to explain. Like when you touch me there for… uh, _sex stuff_ \- it's fine, but… I don't know like it's this dirty, gross part of me and if you don't have a reason to be - there, I don't know, man! It just seems weird!" He babbled, uncomfortably shifting back and forth and finally retreating into the stream of water to rinse, shaking his head vigorously under the faucet as if to clear it.

Cas tilted his head with a pensive look. "I won't pretend it makes sense to me, but Dean, I'd like to address two things. First, there is no 'gross' part of you. You're lovely. All over. Second, it doesn't matter if I understand or not. If you don't want to do something, say so, please."

Dean stilled and nodded with a shocked expression. "I did like it Cas, at first. I just… I can't explain it. I guess I'm just not ready for it. Maybe one day I will be, I dunno, dude. I'm sorry."

"I have all the time in the world. Don't apologize."

Cas reached to turn off the faucet, but Dean grasped his hand to stop him. Cas just raised an eyebrow. 

"Uhhh...You can… you know," Dean said with a quick downward glance and a roguish grin.

However, Cas did _not_ know. Dean sighed awkwardly. "You can wash my junk still. If you want."

"'Junk'? You mean your penis and scrotum?"

Dean nodded. "Uh, yeah."

"Are you being serious?"

"I guess. I mean yeah," Dean spluttered with a sheepish look.

Cas chuckled. "I don't understand the difference. But that's fine. If you'll allow me to, I certainly will." Cas knelt back down before Dean again, looking at him with the hint of a smile in his eyes. He began bringing the washcloth slowly up the front of his hunter's thigh, swirling the soap in soft circles upward. Then the other leg, the same way. He washed his hunter with a quiet adoration as if every square inch of skin was heaven sent. Cas was taking his time, carefully washing all around Dean's hips, inner thighs, lower abdomen... but avoided the hunter's swelling cock with a mischievous light in his eyes. He was still looking right at Dean's face.

"You're teasing me? We've been in here for ages - my damned toes are wrinkly! And you're _teasing_ me?" Dean asked.

"You said it made you uncomfortable that it wasn't sexual enough. Perhaps I wanted to make sure I was creating the right ambiance," Cas stated.

"Unbelievable," Dean muttered.

Cas arched a brow with an impertinent look. "If you're not interested, that's fine."

"Cas, c'mon," Dean murmured. 

The angel smiled and began to gently soap up the hunter's hardening dick, examining the deep flushed skin against the whirls of white bubbles with a fascination. Cas made a small, contented hum, seeming to enjoy this. Cas brought the washcloth lower and thoroughly and carefully cleaned his balls, intrigued by the reaction of the skin puckering under his touch. He went back to the hunter's cock, slowly soaping it up, base to tip, several times. 

Dean let out a debauched groan. "You're killing me, Cas. Ain't I clean enough yet?" 

"You're clean. Yes."

"So…?" Dean urged with a gasp. Cas hadn't stopped "cleaning" him.

"Say what you mean to say," Cas said softly.

"Let's go to the bedroom already. I want you, Cas," he said, voice breaking a bit as Cas slowly came to a stop with his soapy hand on the head of Dean's cock. 

"Hmm. No, not yet. I want you to do something for me, Dean," Castiel rasped, standing up to meet Dean's eye. 

"Anything."

"Touch yourself for me," the angel demanded in a low tone. "I want to watch."

Dean had a feeling that Cas would be blushing if angels did that, but if he didn't sweat under any circumstances he certainly didn't blush. The words physically struck the hunter, ramping up the tension and heat between them tenfold at that moment.

" _Fuuuck, Cas,"_ Dean moaned in a low tone, a hot electric feeling running through him at the depraved demand and admission. "You wanna _watch_? God… you're a kinky bastard," Dean said, grinning and biting his lip.

"I don't know what that means, but yes. I want to watch it. I want to see what you do to yourself." Cas paused, looking at Dean, "Show me," he demanded. The hunter groaned at the physical effect the command had on him. Cas gave him a searing look that completely melted Dean and beckoned him to begin. 

Dean's heart fluttered in his chest and he was sure he was blushing - _again_ \- as he let a hand snake down slowly to his aching dick. It hadn't been what he had in mind, but Cas demanded it, so he was eager to perform for his lover.

Cas stood back a bit so he could observe. It sent a bolt of pleasure through Dean to see that Cas was getting harder by the second, and again when the angel's cock twitched sympathetically when Dean began to slowly stroke himself. He was, perhaps a bit theatrically- groaning and making salacious, delicious noises. His eyes fell closed after a minute out of habit.

He felt Cas's hand suddenly cupping his face. 

"Open them," he said. Dean opened his eyes, and Cas gave him a slight nod to confirm that was what he wanted. If he'd had more presence of mind, he would have wanted to ask Cas why, but instead, Dean just steadily held his luminous blue eyes in his gaze, feeling a building intensity as Cas watched him in silence, but not without a reaction. Dean could hear the angel's breath hitch and could see the lust blown expansion of his pupils as he watched. Dean loved that anything, any moment, any sound that particularly piqued Castiel's interest resulted in his feathers puffing up slightly. He would never get over those wings.

Dean's heart rate picked up and his breath became heavy. "Cas," he breathed, looking at the angel with a craving, desirous look. 

"Keep going, Dean," Cas said, his voice low and smoky. 

Dean felt so exposed, but he could see that Cas was loving every second of this. His wings were pinned high behind him, every feather puffed. He was looking at Dean so hungrily. It made the hunter moan his name, seeing him like that. Cas made a soft sound in the back of his throat, but his eyes unwavering. 

Dean picked up speed, stroking with a twist and thrusting slightly into his hand, making ungodly sounds and short bitten off strings of cursing. "Mmm, Cas," he said, " _Castiel_."

Cas was breathing along with Dean, and every time the hunter said his name he felt a little less inclined to remain a bystander. But he wanted to see how the man pleasured himself. Partly out of genuine curiosity, and partly because he wanted to see this vulnerability in the hunter.

Dean was fucking into his fist now, staring Cas down, exhaling audibly with each forward thrust he made.

"Don't stop, Dean. I want to see you... Show me how you come when I'm not here."

In seconds, he was shooting hot white stripes onto the tiles as he shouted Cas's name, echoing beautifully through the shower room. He could hear that Cas was saying "yes, Dean, yes," and his mind went fuzzy with the waves of pleasure. 

And then Cas was kissing him, dragging him under the stream of water and kissing him senseless. Dean was lazy and listless as Cas kissed him deeply. He broke away, but placed one more soft peck on Dean's lips, then sighing happily. 

"That was beautiful, Dean. Thank you for showing me. I enjoyed that...very much. Now, rinse, off."

Dean slowly did so with a cocky grin, making obvious glances at Cas's throbbing erection. He loved that he accomplished that without ever touching the angel. He must have put in a nice show. 

The second the last of the soap was rinsed off of him, Cas laid a hand in him and they were in Cas's room, sitting on the bed.

"What the hell! I'm still wet! The shower is still running! You gotta warn me before you just zap me around!" Dean cried, flailing indignantly. Cas rolled his eyes and disappeared for a split second, presumably turning the shower off, then waved his hand lazily upon his return, drying Dean off. The hunter cut a sideways glance at the angel but seemed to calm down. 

"Now what do you have in mind?"

Dean leaned in for a kiss, very softly, then diving deeper. He could never get enough of his angel's taste. "Um, I was wondering if we could do something new. A little different," Dean said, suddenly insecure.

Cas kissed Dean's neck.

"And what is it?"

"I, uh… we usually are face to face, when we, you know -,"

"Have intercourse," Cas supplied helpfully, placing another kiss below Dean's ear.

"Uh, yeah. But there's other ways, and I thought we'd try a new position. I was thinking, um, we could give it a shot. Have you heard of doggie style, Cas? From behind?" Dean asked, pulling back a bit but not able to meet the angel's eye. It felt strange to talk about and explain. Sex just usually happened the way it happened for Dean. Discussing it and planning it out seemed painfully awkward, especially for something Dean had never done this way before. 

"I've seen it," Cas said with a nod. 'You want me to have you like an animal?" There was no judgment or accusation tinting Castiel's voice, just curiosity, and interest.

Dean felt absolutely shocked. He spluttered angrily and defensively, blushing fiercely. "No! I mean - well, it - no-,"

Cas held up a hand to Dean's lips. "That's fine, Dean."

"It's not weird! Lots of people do it."

"I know. I didn't mean to upset you," Cas said. He didn't get what he'd said wrong. It _was_ like animals did it. It was named after an animal, even. And humans were a sort of animal too, so he didn't see the problem. If animals and humans alike did it that way, it must be natural. 

Dean swallowed hard. He almost didn't want to say this, but despite his heart thudding in his chest, he took a deep breath. It was Cas. It was just Cas. 

"Cas?... this hard for me to ask out loud. I'm only gonna try to explain it this once. But, uh... I want you to tell me what you want me to do. Makes me feel… safe, I guess? Boss me around a little. I like it… and please – God, I can’t believe I’m saying this but, Cas,” he sighed, grabbing the angel’s hands and looking away, “ _Iwantyoutofuckmehard_ ," he said quietly and too quickly, but his voice breaking again, embarrassed as he buried his face into Cas's neck in an embrace so he didn't have to meet his eye.

It was hard for Dean to admit he wanted to this, especially out loud - but he did, he wanted to give control to Cas. Dean fought viciously to control everything in his life, even if it was irrelevant, but Cas... he was so strong and so comforting. Most of all, Dean trusted him completely. Perhaps even more so after the incident in the shower - Cas knew Dean's limits better than _Dean_ did at that moment, over something that objectively didn't make sense. The more he thought about it the more he knew that Cas was the only person he could have this with. He could hand over the reins, release his control, without fear. And sometimes, he didn’t want things to be gentle. Sometimes he wanted to feel the commanding power of the feelings they shared.

"Oh," Castiel said, raising his brows in surprise. He looked away for a moment, thinking. "But I don't want to hurt you. Or participate in your constant self-degradation."

"You won't hurt me, Cas, I know you won't. I need you. And it's not degrading, not with you. I've had that before. It's not like that with you."

Cas hesitated. But he could do this. A part of him liked it. Liked to please Dean, liked to offer him that respite from needing to bear the weight of all around him, if only for a while. "You'll speak up if you change your mind?" He said quietly, looking at Dean intently, lost in his eyes.

"Yes. Please."

Cas leaned in close, whispering to his hunter, "Show me. Kiss me. Kiss me like you want this to be, kiss me in a way that shows me what you want. I'll take it from there. I need to understand." 

Cas was not sure how hard was hard by Dean's very human standards. He wasn't motivated by conflict this time as he had been after their fight, which he still found to be shameful regardless of Dean's protests that it was fine. And even then, he'd been holding back so much.

Dean looked at him for a moment, hesitating. He had to get in the right frame of mind. Then he snapped to action, pulling on a fistful of Cas's dark hair and closing his mouth over Castiel's with a needy growl. Dean bit the angel's lower lip hard, running his tongue along the chapped lip tenderly after. The hunter then aggressively kissed his lover, plunging his tongue deep into his mouth more to stake a claim than to incite pleasure. _This_ is what he wanted from Cas. He wanted him to do this to say, _you are mine_. There was security in that. He mimicked the fantasies he'd had for so long. Dean released the iron grip he'd taken on Castiel's arm and raked his blunt nails against his bare chest. 

Dean pulled away, eyes pleading. Cas looked a little wonderstruck in the wake of it all. He hadn't realized they could be like this together without being angry. 

"I can do this for you. Sometime… perhaps you'll do it for me," Cas said with a dazed expression, clearing slowly into a hungry, dark look.

Then he kissed Dean in a fiery physical reply, hard and passionate. The difference he felt in Dean in this kiss compared to the previous one had him amazed. Dean was taking all the tongue, the teeth, the hard fingers pressed deep into his smooth skin in stride, just reveling in it. 

He was pliant, yet still firm - Dean did not yield entirely under Castiel's unrelenting and powerful attention. There was something impressive to Cas about this. To retain a part of yourself - no matter what, against an onslaught of passion. That resilience in Dean thrilled and inspired the angel. 

He kissed him long and hard until Dean was breathless. When Cas broke away he dove back in to bite and suck down the hunter's neck and clavicle, all while making noises Dean could only think of as unholy and his hands tugged sharply on the back of Dean's hair, pulling a long, low sound from the lust-maddened hunter. Cas still felt a twinge of guilt, even if Dean did want this - he decided he would heal Dean later. 

"Look at that," Cas growled, "so needy," he said, flicking his rough finger through the bead of precum pooling on Dean's cock. The hunter hissed at the sensation. 

"I want you to get on your hands and knees for me now." Cas was firm and direct in his commands, but never unkind. There was always a sweet adoration underlying his voice. 

Dean felt his heart flutter wildly in anticipation. He moved to turn around, grasping the pillow and clutching it beneath him and spread his knees. He'd never done this on the receiving end before. He felt nervous but excited, just like the first time Cas penetrated him. It felt strange that even though he considered himself to be very experienced, he was having so many firsts now. Maybe it was just that he finally felt comfortable enough with someone to allow them to control it. He'd never allowed himself to be in a position or situation where the other person could overcome him - there was always a risk it was someone that wanted you dead. Sure, he’d let a woman smack him around a little or tie him up with those cheap plastic cuffs, but that was all willing compliance due to the fact he knew he had the power to end at any time. He’d never let himself be In a situation where he couldn’t reassume control at any moment – never with anyone strong than him, never letting them retrain him in any sort of meaningful way. Not because he wanted control over his partner, but so he could maintain control of himself. But now, with Cas, he could forget all that. He could just let go and trust in his partner. 

Cas was fascinated by this. He'd been enjoying the things they'd been doing so much it hadn't occurred to him there were still new ways to experience sex with Dean. He was struggling to stay in the frame of mind the hunter needed him to have - commanding, strong, rough - because he was thinking of all the other ways he could make love to his hunter. But seeing him so lovely before him on all fours, waiting for him, got his attention back to where it should be. 

Castiel was uncertain what the sexual etiquette for this situation was. Normally he was very fond of looking in Dean's eyes and focusing on his soul, searching for his emotions. This seemed so very physically grounded. He was uncertain what was supposed to lead up to the moment he plunged his fingers into Dean if anything. Cas decided to scrape his fingernails down the hunter's back in a test. Dean hissed and arched his muscled back into the touch. 

"Yes, Cas," he encouraged in a low smoky rasp, turning to look back at him. 

That was the encouragement Cas needed. He fumbled around in the drawer of the bedside table for the lube, then slicked up his fingers, wasting no time pressing into Dean's tight hole, stretching him more impatiently than the angel usually dared. Cas scissored his fingers in choppy, wide motions until Dean seemed ready, moaning softly and bucking back onto Cas's fingers. 

Cas quickly lubed his cock and then nervously pressed himself against Dean, hesitating. He didn't want to hurt him.

"Oh!" Cas exclaimed in a sudden exhale as Dean shoved back against him, sheathing the angel's cock within him, making them both groan. Cas's eyes fluttered shut and he thought his heart might explode. It was a funny thing, how connected to his vessel and nearly human he could feel when he was intimate with Dean. 

The angel waited a moment, trying to regain some presence of mind. "Dean, he breathed, looking up toward the ceiling, holding the hunter by the hips in a vice-like grip. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," Dean grated, " _Please_ , Cas."

Cas began to move in smooth but firm, long strokes, pulling nearly all the way out before delving back into the man, causing a lewd smacking sound of flesh on flesh each time his hips impacted. He was still gripping the hunter's hips and pulling them back toward him in time with each thrust. 

"Dean Winchester, you belong to _me_ ," Cas growled, throwing his head back in exultation, eyes squeezed shut and back beautifully bowed as he angled himself as deep as possible. Dean shouted Cas's name desperately in response, gasping for air and reeling at the sinfully good impact.

Dean's mind was spinning, his eyes were rolling back in his head, and he was cursing and shouting unstoppable. His fists twisted into the sheets with a white-knuckled grip. This felt so different, so base and needy, yet so close and so devoted. It was rough, but so controlled this time. Dean was groaning and babbling uncontrollably in a mixture of "Cas, Cas, Cas" and "Fuck!" and 'Yes!" all punctuated by groans and guttural sounds. 

Dean was shocked when Cas abruptly placed a splayed hand between his shoulder blades and shoved him down, causing the hunter to make a strangled yelp. 

"Yes," Cas growled, "so good for me."

Cas was still relentlessly railing him, every forceful smack of the angel's hips was forceful and purposeful, and now with Dean's face pressed down to the mattress and ass high in the air, Cas was striking that sweet bundle of nerves with an interminable accuracy. 

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ, Cas, Castiel, I'm - oh sweet Jesus," Dean jabbered with breathless urgency. At this point, Cas was gripping him so tightly that he couldn't move or not of his own accord. He wasn't used to being with someone who could quite literally throw him around if desired. Cas was in complete control.

Cas leaned forward and reached around, firmly gripping the hunter's cock and jerking him in tandem with the thrust of his own hips into Dean.

"I want to feel it when you come," the angel groaned, "want to feel your heartbeat, your walls swallowing me."

If he hadn't been so far gone, Dean would have found that sappy or emasculating or generally weird to hear. At this point, however, the words in combination with the insane barrage of powerful sensation he was getting made his eyes lose focus and his heart flutter wildly as his toes began to curl, every muscle in his body taut and tense in anticipation. 

"Fuck, Cas," he grated out, panting madly.

"Come."

It was a command, no mistake. And Dean obeyed with a reflexive enthusiasm that left Cas in awe. 

The hunter came with a violent shout, desperately grabbing the sheets until they came loose from the mattress, spurting come all over the pillow beneath him.

Cas could feel the hunter's orgasm clenching around his cock, and he buried himself deep to relish it, panting wildly even though he had no need to breathe because it seemed natural and felt right.

In seconds, his own climax followed, and the angel bolted upright, wings spread so wide they touched the walls on both sides of the room, his head was thrown back, hands back on Dean's hips in a punishing grip, and a dissolute roar ripped from his lungs. A gale of ozone & rain scented air burst through the room. The lightbulb burst in a shower of sparks, Castiel's scant belongings were sent flying, and the room was bathed in heavenly light.

It took some time for Cas to power down and collapse, still panting, next to Dean, who was slowly sitting up and stretching. 

"I am in frequent awe," Cas mumbled slowly, looking at Dean with an adoring and earnest expression, "that you can reduce me to a thoughtless, wild beast so easily."

"Thoughtless beast?" Dean's mind was still fuzzy.

"I'm an angel of the lord. Yet, you have me in more rapture in your bed than I have ever experienced in Heaven. That's blasphemous, you know. But it's true." 

He paused for a moment, eyes half-lidded, breath evening out, before continuing, "and you cause me to act very much like a depraved animal, seeking out hedonistic pleasures. And do you know? I'm not sorry. I feel no guilt. I want to have that with you forever. I love you," Cas finished, eyes falling closed with a satisfied hum, a lazy arm reaching instinctively toward Dean. 

_Forever? Wow,_ Dean thought. He smiled. Cas loved it when he smiled like that, warm and brilliant and open-hearted. 

"You know, Cas, I think you got the word wrong. It's not hedonism when you do it for someone else. It's not hedonism when you can follow not up with 'I love you'. And, y'know… I love you too," Dean said, gently laying a hand on Castiel's chest. Cas was warmed by the adoration on Dean's face. 

Dean was quiet for a moment, looking fondly at Cas, wincing a little as he tried to stretch and lay down next to his angel. 

"I don’t get words wrong. But - was it… what you needed? Are you satisfied? Did I hurt you?" Cas asked, brow furrowed in concern.

"You did perfect, Cas. It was perfect." Dean said with a smile. 

"But…" the angel's hand trailed over the bite marks on Dean's neck and clavicle, while the other found the light purple bruises where his fingers had dug into the hunter's hips with too much angelic strength. He recalled the scratches he'd left down Dean's back, worried he'd done that too hard as well. Cas frowned, feeling guilt. 

"I told you, Cas. It's not a bad thing. I wanted it. I asked you to do this," Dean said with a mischievous chuckle, laying his face on Castiel's wing. 

"I didn't mean to leave you battered," Cas said sadly. "That's twice I've harmed you." He gave the hunter a tragic look.

"No, it doesn't _really_ hurt, Cas. Look - did you like it when I kissed you like that? Scratched you? Bit your lip? I've done it before. You sure seem to."

"Well, yes," Castiel admitted, "But I'm not as fragile as you are - you cannot harm me. That's not true of you. I can harm you. I could kill you,” he said with a painful look.

Dean bristled a bit at being called fragile but brushed it off. "How is it I'm the one that just got railed and you're the one needing all the pillow talk and reassurance? Stop. It's fine. It's more than fine."

"Please let me heal you," Cas said, voice dripping with guilt.

Dean sighed, but he couldn't help but smile a little as he said "Fine, Cas. If you want."

Cas softly put a hand on Dean's face, turning onto his side toward him, and as his eyes began to glow blue, he softly kissed the hunter in the most gentle juxtaposition to their vigorous activities minutes before. Cas kissed him softly, lips transferring the light of healing grace into him, the angel's hands soothingly, traversing his skin to find all the marks, bruises, and scratches and lingering over them, shining soft light onto him until the hunter was restored, still kissing him mildly and sweetly, much longer than needed before breaking away with a serene sigh, looking at Dean with the most ardent, caring expression. 

"If you're gonna feel guilty every time we go at it rough, I'm gonna feel guilty asking," Dean said, letting his fingers run softly down the feathers of Castiel's wing.

"I don't know if I always will if this is truly what you want, as long as you always let me heal you. I couldn't bear to leave you in that state," the angel said, placing a soft kiss at the corner of Dean's mouth. 

Dean grumbled a little but finally agreed that Cas could heal him. 

"Maybe I should snap those handcuffs on you sometime and show you. It can be nice. You didn't hurt me - you've seen me hurt, Cas. You made me happy."

"You've said that you were going to show me twice now but haven't delivered. I'm beginning to think you're bluffing."

"I am _not_ bluffing. It was two days ago, give it time. I _will_ show you and that's a promise. Sometime when the mood is right, I'm gonna do it." The hunter yawned, somewhat buffering the impact of the statement. 

Cas chuckled lightly, waving his hand and they were instantly clean.

"Why don't you rest for a bit? I have some prayers to answer."

Dean's heart sank at the thought of Cas leaving, but he knew it wasn't right to ask him to stay with him all the time. Before Dean could answer, Cas smiled. "I'll be back. I won't be long." 

Dean just smiled a little wistfully and nodded, snuggling into bedding. He was pretty tired, he supposed. That had been quite a romp.

\----------------------------------------------------

Dean awoke a couple of hours later, roused by his hunger. He was not surprised when he woke in Castiel's bed that the angel was gone or that he'd put the room back to rights before leaving. He was surprised, however, as he shuffled into the kitchen to see, on the table there, a gorgeous mahogany dreadnought guitar sitting there with a small note tucked between the strings: 

_I will return soon - later today I expect._

_Practice for me._

Dean was amazed and deeply touched by the gesture. "Looks like you're better at gifts than you thought, Cas," he muttered aloud with an awed grin. 

He picked it up, tucking the note in his pocket, and gave the instrument a hesitant strum. It was a tad out of tune, but it had a great sound. He admired the shining lacquer and the rosewood bridge and neck. The finish was dark around the edges of the face of the guitar, but faded toward the middle, showing he beautiful striations in the wood. Around the sound hole, there were shining abalone inlays. The tuning keys shone brightly and turned smoothly.

“It’s brand new,” he whispered, a childlike expression on his face.

He couldn't help the smile that beamed from him as he tuned it up and memories slowly came back to him. His fingers found their way back to making familiar shapes, chords, and melodies over the next few hours.

When Cas returned, he smiled as he saw Dean there picking away as he still stood by the kitchen table, hitting the occasional bum note or failing a chord and grimacing, but otherwise making a joyful noise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think of our beautiful boys getting hobbies? Is that something you want to explore more? I think I do! I'm loving the domestic stuff. Don't worry, Sam will be back next chapter. I didn't shove him and Eileen out entirely, I think Saileen is so soft and sweet, I wouldn't forget them (I won't write smut with them probably, just doesn't motivate me right now, but I love them and want to have some cute moments. And don't worry, Dean won't bottom forever. I have some plans for him coming up. He just needed, uhhhhh, let's call it a certain kind of comfort that only Cas could provide in that moment. Hopefully I explained that well. You'll have to let me know in the comments what you thought! Your feedback keeps me going! 
> 
> I haven't abandoned the idea of a holiday fic, but I think it will be a one-shot I post outside this fic or maybe in a collection if I can figure out how to do that, lol. I just don't want to interrupt the flow again.
> 
> I'm minxyone93 on Tumblr, so feel free to send me asks or anything on there as well! I get a completely ridiculous and probably unwise ego boost when people want to talk to me about this, becuase I really just never believed you all would be interested! I would have stopped ages ago if you all hadn't come here and boosted me with your kudos and kind words. I'm not joking when I say it makes my day! I just posted the first chapter thinking I needed to get that off my chest and here we are! You guys are so motivating! <3 ^_^


	10. Love Rejoices in the Truth, but Sometimes the Truth Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is missing, and when he comes home he's hiding something. Sam attempts to help the couple reconcile, but when Cas reveals his secret Dean is shocked. When they make up, Cas shows off new skills and Dean is in the mood for something a little more... lighthearted as a means of reclaiming their intimacy. Dean contacts an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY END OF 2020! I hope you all have a lovely new year! <3
> 
> Sorry this took so long! I thought I would not be so busy since I'm off work, but as usual, I found ways to keep myself busy. It was mostly GISHMAS, the actual holidays, and of course a rough mental health day. No worries! All is well now.
> 
> This chapter starts with LIGHT ANGST but as always, this is a HAPPY PLACE. They make up before the end of the chapter. 
> 
> This chapter ends on a bit of a cliffhanger - but I will remind you once more, this fic is a happy place! ; ] 
> 
> Maybe one day I'll write a more angsty fic and won't be so overbearing in the notes, but I just want this fic to be a constant reminder for you guys that good things do happen (at least in fanon)! 
> 
> CW: alcohol use as an inappropriate coping mechanism. This is in the tags, I just want to be responsible for all my readers <3 Much love to you all.

"I'm sure he's fine, Dean. You need to settle down."

"Sammy, it's been nine fucking days, and the necklace is cold. It's not beating. How am I supposed to settle down?"

"I know, you already said that. Like a hundred times. But he doesn't _need_ to have a heartbeat. Maybe he's in Heaven or something."

"Then why isn't he answering my prayers either? Or my texts?"

Sam sighed. He didn't think Cas got texts in Heaven, but he wasn't prepared to argue that point with Dean. "Dude. I get it. You miss him, you're worried. That's natural. But I'm sure he's _fine_."

"How can you know that? He could be dead." Dean said bitterly. Sam could see his hand shaking slightly as he tipped back his drink. 

"He's not. He's all full-powered smiting badass again. And even if somehow something did happen, Jack would have told us - if he'd even let anything bad happen to Cas to begin with."

"Jack said he was hands-off now. He wouldn't stop anything from happening. Not his style now that he's all alpha and omega."

"Yeah, hands-off as in no apocalypses or divine interference ruining our lives, not 'oops I guess I'll let my dad die doing something dumb'. He _loves_ Cas. He loves all of us. He's not going to let any of us die doing something dumb. He'll make us grow old, whether we like it or not. And if he did 'let' something bad happen, he wouldn't leave us hanging." 

"That's dumb. And it's not even any consolation. Too many 'ifs'. And why would he let us die at all if he really couldn't handle letting us go? God doesn't - well, _shouldn't_ \- have favorites. So Jack can't either."

Sam sighed, looking sad and exasperated. For the past three days, they'd been having the same conversations. He was beginning to accept that Dean was simply going to be unmanageable until Cas came back. "You haven't tried to talk to Jack yet, have you?"

Dean looked away from his brother. "What? No. No, I don't want to bother him. He seemed… weird that time I accidentally called him before the New Harmony case. Said he was busy. He's God now, he prob'ly oughta be busy I guess, makes sense," Dean mumbled sheepishly, looking at the bottom of his glass.

"Well, you should. Look, Jack wants us to live happy lives, but eventually, we're all gonna die and that's fine for him because he exists in heaven too," Sam said softly. 

Dean rolled his eyes and scoffed. "We're back on that metaphysical crap, huh? What's the difference to him then if we die tomorrow or 30 years from now?"

Sam gave him an exasperated look. "We've hunted monsters and demons our whole lives. You're boning an _actual angel_. Stop pretending this 'crap' isn't real and that you don't understand it. And I know you know Jack better than that too. Don't be a jerk."

Dean's head snapped his head up and set his jaw before snapping at Sam, "Well, _bitch_ , I'm _not_ boning an angel right now, because he's been gone for over a fucking week, and I don't know where the feathery bastard ran off to or if he's even okay!" The older Winchester slammed his drink onto the table, his ire and fear reignited with a vengeance.

Sam rolled his eyes. "Yeah, okay. I'm gonna go on a run. While I do that, you need to calm down. Cas is fine. And hey - maybe cool it on the booze? You've had a lot."

"It was a gift, I'm supposed to drink it," Dean barked, meeting Sam's eyes as he sipped again.

He'd done well for the first four days, practicing his guitar and checking on the garden for Cas since the weather was turning cold. He kept generally busy and stayed mostly cheerful. He tried looking for cases, but there really wasn't much going on these days besides the occasional minor ghost or monster. He and Sam were spending more time posing as FBI superior officers over the phone for the junior hunters these days than actually getting out on the road. Their efforts were better spent coordinating and dispatching other hunters, which was perfect for Sam but bored Dean to tears.

On the fifth day, Dean started to get a little worried when he still hadn't heard back from Cas, but when he woke on the sixth day and didn't feel the comforting warmth and steady, slow beat of the necklace, he fell off the wagon and hit the bottle - hard. When he wasn't doing that he was pacing, praying, texting, calling, and generally on the verge of madness. Sam tried to console him, but he was snappy and tense, unwilling to take any comfort from his brother.

Sam rolled his eyes at Dean's stubborn refusal to stop drinking, wanting to say something significant to soothe him, but he knew Dean was unreachable right now. Sam walked off to get changed. When he was out of sight, Dean let out a shuddering breath and gripped the cold metal of the necklace Cas had given him tightly. "Where are you man?" he whispered, tears in his eyes, before taking another drink. Moments later, Sam left with a small, hesitant wave at Dean, unsure of how to console his brother.

The heavy door echoed through the room as it shut and there was a heavy, cold silence in the bunker now, leaving Dean alone in the war room with nothing but his troubled thoughts and the bite of his whiskey.

When Sam got home, Dean was gone, and his drink was unfinished.

_______________________________

Dean's phone rang. He glanced in the passenger's seat of the Impala. It was Sam again. He wasn't in the mood to get chewed out. He let it ring for the third time so his brother could leave another voicemail. The trouble was, he didn't know what he would say to Sam even if he did pick up, because he didn't know where he was going. He didn't even know where to start, honestly - all he knew was that Cas was off doing miracles and shit as a free agent of heavenly work - that was all. But he couldn't wait around in the bunker for another second. This was ripping him apart. He was sure something was wrong. Even when Cas had been pissed at him, he'd answered the phone or acknowledged the prayer within a few days. It had been nine days, and he hadn't heard anything since the moment Cas left. If Sam actually thought he was going to sit quietly and twiddle his damned thumbs, then he was truly clueless.

He pulled over, exhausted, sometime around three in the morning. Dean released his grip on the steering wheel. He felt at the end of his rope. His heart felt weary, he could barely keep his eyes open. His chest felt tight and his heart was heavy. He couldn't fucking breathe. Cas's absence and the uncertainty made him feel like he was drowning on dry land. 

He was out of options. He had to do something. He hesitated for a moment, squeezing the steering wheel like a lifeline to reality. Slowly, he breathed, closing his eyes, then began to speak in a hushed, hopeless tone. 

"Jack," he whispered, tears stinging his eyes, "I know I haven't been the best to you. I wanna make it up to you. I know I should… uh, pray to you more. Hard to get used to you not being around, kid. And I do miss you. I have trouble understanding it all. 'M just a human, ya know? But uh, can you just do this one thing for me? I know it's shitty to call and ask for a favor right away. I promise I'll touch base more often. Just tell me he's okay. Tell me Cas is okay. Please."

There was silence for a while. Just as he began to think he'd been right before Jack was out of the picture, the necklace began to glow with a warm white light. 

_He's fine, Dean_ , he hears softly at the edge of his mind. _Cas will be back soon._

Dean collapsed into tears of relief. He whispered "thank you, thank you" under his breath between soft, choked sobs.

He wasn't sure how much time passed until he fell asleep there in the driver's seat. It was fitful and he didn't feel rested at all. He sat bolt upright after perhaps an hour - his necklace was warm, and there was the steady beating he'd come to rely on. He scrambled out of the car, looking around in the dark on the side of the road. 

"CAS!" he bellowed as he threw open the car door and leapt out of the car, scrambling around. He felt sure that the angel could hear him somehow, aloud and in prayer. Dean was feeling hopeful for the first time in days. Then the necklace stopped. Dean clutched it as the metal became cool and unresponsive once more. 

"No, no, no!" he cried, gripping the cool metal pendant, feeling the lifeline to his sense of hope snap loose. 

"Hello, Dean," he heard behind him. Dean's heart lifted and he spun around, falling to his knees at the sight of his angel. There he was, whole and well, aside from looking uncharacteristically exhausted, swaying weakly on his feet, and having a dripping wound on his hand, painting the gravel he stood on with splashes of blood.

"Cas," Dean breathed, tears of joy in his eyes. 

"I'm so tired, Dean. Please, take me home."

\----------------------------------------------------

Cas found his heart thudding. He was well aware that he'd made a mistake. Several, in fact. Dean was a wreck. He wasn't sure how he was going to explain this, especially as tired as he was. Dean had insisted on patching Cas's hand up since it wasn't healing and giving him some Tylenol even though Cas insisted it was nothing and would heal as soon as he could rest. Dean had peppered anxious kisses all over the angel's face and told him how worried he'd been - which Cas knew. That's how he'd found him, after all - the longing, the waves of fear and dread pulling at his grace violently. He wondered if the human would ever comprehend how devastating it was to truly know the exact way and degree you'd hurt someone. He felt even worse about it all because he was about to lie about the whole thing. 

Finally he was able to calm Dean down enough to convince him to stop panicking affectionately over him and to start driving. Cas knew it would be easier to tell the story if he didn't have to look Dean in the eye.

When the car began moving and Cas heard the blessed sound of crunching gravel turned to smooth asphalt beneath them, he began.

"I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I got stuck. I had to do something, a mission. From - from Heaven. It involved time travel. You know that has always taken a great deal of energy to travel through time. I got stuck there, for a time. As soon as I could, I came back, I swear I didn't mean to be gone so long."

Dean looked nonplussed as he took in a deep breath. "I don't get it. What were you doing? Why is Heaven giving you missions? Fuck those dicks. I don't care if Jack unbrainwashed them, they're _still_ dicks."

"That is not accurate, however I… volunteered for this particular mission," Cas said, a sinking feeling in his stomach. Guilt - but was he feeling guilt from lying or guilt from failing? He didn't know. "It was my choice."

"How'd you even hear about it? What were you doing?" Dean asked again, flustered and irritable.

"Angel radio," Cas explained. "I don't listen in often, but… this caught my attention," he said a little too quickly, internally. 

"And I'm sorry, but I can't tell you about the mission in any detail. You know, it's…" he was floundering, pausing for a moment, thinking, panicking silently - then he got it. 

"It's similar to Doctor Who," he said, suddenly happy that Dean was so deeply interested in television, "it would be a paradox, as they say. I can't tell you. You understand."

Cas was hopeful for a moment that would work as Dean pondered.

"No. No, not really. I don't understand a fucking thing about it, actually. Why didn't you tell me where you were going before? Why did the necklace stop working? If you're this ethereal being that exists in all planes and times or whatever dumb shit, why didn't you answer my prayers? No, Cas. I don't fucking get it," the hunter said, driving and working himself into a fury.

Cas sighed, not sure how much it was relevant for him to elaborate on his relationship with space-time in this instance. He struggled to know if Dean was just thinking out loud or actually wanting answers. "I do experience time in a linear fashion, I just have the ability to choose where in that line I am. However, it's difficult and consumes a great deal of energy to choose anywhere other than the present. But...I didn't think it would take that long, or that is to say, I thought I would come back just when I left. I missed the time I was aiming for upon my return," Cas said softly. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm not sure why the necklace stopped working. But I assure you, I'm fine," he said, not entirely untruthfully - he hadn't actually thought it would take that long and while he could guess a number of reasons retrospectively that the necklace stopped working, he really hadn't been aware beforehand that it would.

"Well, how was I supposed to know that? Huh? What were you thinking? You should have _talked_ to me. You had me worried sick." Dean's tone was fading from anger to hurt. Cas vastly preferred anger - he knew how to handle Dean angry, that was no mystery to him. Anger was simplistic, uncomplicated, and fleeting. But when Dean hurt it was more layered, it didn't fade as simply. You peel away one layer and there's a fresh wound needing healed beneath. And when Dean hurt, it hurt Cas too. He felt the guilt within him grow stronger.

"I'm very sorry." That was all he could think to say. What other words were there? He'd made a mistake. He was well aware of that. He would take it back if he could.

Dean sighed. He felt a barrier between them, and he desperately wanted to fix it. He felt panicked. He could see in Cas's body language even that he was pulling away. He didn't like to talk things out, but he would do anything for Cas, and they didn't have emergencies or apocalypses to stand in the way of talking it out anymore. 

_The only way out is through_ , Dean thought. _I guess I'm gonna do this._

"Cas...," he hesitated, awkwardly adjusting his hands on the wheel, "I need you, man. I've lost you so many times, and it… everytime it _kills_ me. I can't take more of that," he said, swallowing hard, feeling tears falling down his face. 

"I get we have our own stuff we gotta do, yours takes you away sometimes, I get that, but damn. Please don't do that to me. Just tell me what's going on before you go away. _Please_ ," he said, voice thick and cracking a bit at the end. Cas could see a tear trailing down the hunter's cheek, even in the dark.

"I know. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Dean," was all Cas could say, voice so small and it felt like he heard it from a mile away. He wanted to reach over and touch Dean, but he didn't feel he deserved to as he looked at the pained expression as the hunter drove on, too fast, desperate to get the angel back to the bunker. 

The twisting pain and guilt Cas felt was not relieved when Dean said. "Cas... it's okay," he sighed, "you didn't mean to scare me. Maybe… well, maybe it's just me. I know I get panicky about you leaving. You just mean so damned much to me. I need you…no, no - I need to say what I mean to say. I _love_ you," he said, another tear spilling down his face, captured only in the glow of moonlight through the windshield. Cas didn't think he'd ever wanted to hear those three words less in all his eons. It felt like a gut punch hearing it now. Dean reached out a hand for Cas, which the seraph hesitantly cradled in a loose, diffident grasp.

The angel stayed silent, leaning back in the seat and closing his eyes, wishing he could sleep for once. 

"Cas, don't… don't do that."

"Why not? ...I'm so tired."

"No, not resting. I feel like you're… far away. Just - I'm glad you're back. I'm glad you're okay. I'm sorry I yelled. I'm not really that mad at you, I was just scared. I'm sorry," Dean said softly, pain twisting his face. Cas could see his soul, deep blue, less bright than usual. The apology hurt the angel even more than the "I love you" had. He had to stop himself from physically recoiling. He was very aware of his vessel right now, and was fairly certain he felt nauseous. The deep connection Dean gave him to his emotions and budding soul could sometimes be unpleasant in that way. He felt things much more strongly and physically than he used to.

"Don't be sorry, Dean. It was my mistake. I'm so sorry. You're...well, you're right. I should have talked to you. What more can I say?" Cas said, eyes brimming with tears. The hunter didn't even know the half of it.

"Oh, sunshine - no, don't... I'm sorry. It's okay. You're okay. We're gonna be fine. I'm sorry."

"Stop, please," he begged quietly. This was not what he'd expected. He'd thought Dean would yell for a while and then that would be it. He would have preferred that in this instance. 

Dean fell silent, glancing briefly at the angel. 

"I - Everything is fine. You're right. I just… I would really like to rest now. Is that alright?"

" 'Course. Yeah. Rest your head. I'll get us home," Dean said, withdrawing his hand.

Cas laid his head back and closed his eyes, willing the pain in his chest to go away as Dean sped the car on dusty backroads toward Lebanon, steady and true. 

\---------------------------------------------------

Almost a week passed and the tension in the air was so bad that Sam felt like he was living in a veritable powder keg. He wasn't sure what happened, but the couple were snappy and abrasive toward one another, and to a lesser degree, even Sam. They sat on opposite sides of the table instead of next to one another. They avoided each other. Sam was pretty sure they weren't staying in the same room even though the angel was still in the bunker - normally when they were both home, Cas stayed in Dean's room with him, even though he didn't sleep. Sam didn’t dare ask though. He was bound to get more information than he wanted.

Cas wouldn't look Dean in the eye, which as far as the younger Winchester was concerned was probably the largest red flag of all considering the constant eye fucking he usually had to bear witness to. Sam had determined that he needed to do something as the energy in his home had only worsened over time and it was unbearable. He never thought he would miss them eye fucking, as weird as it was.

He caught Dean in the garage, meticulously cleaning the car even though it was fine. Some things never changed. Dean didn't react to Sam beyond a slight nod as he walked over. 

"What's going on between you two? This sucks. Did you hurt his feelings?" Sam said evenly.

Dean dropped the sponge in the bucket and crossed his arms. He sucked his teeth and looked at Sam sharply. 

"I didn't do shit, Sammy. Thanks for the vote of confidence, though, really. It wasn't me. You're talking to the wrong guy."

"Dean, I know you. You went ballistic on him when he came back, didn't you?"

Dean's look was steely. "As a matter of fact, bitch, I didn't. Wanted to, started to. But actually kept my cool and vomited up my feelings to the guy. Looks like your emotional cure-all of talking it out is just useless snake oil, Sammy."

Sam's eyes narrowed. 

"Really?" He asked, incredulous.

"Really." Dean's jaw set. Sam felt sure he'd barked up the wrong tree here after all. This wasn't the defensive kind of anger, it was the resigned anger disguising genuine hurt. He knew Dean well enough to see he wasn't lying. Sam grimaced and felt instantly guilty. "Okay. Sorry. I'm really sorry… I shouldn't have assumed it was you. So what _did_ happen?"

Dean sighed, holding out his hands in a hopeless gesture, then dropping his arms to his sides. His eyes softened, showing the anguish rather than the veneer of ire he'd been projecting recently. "I don't really know, Sam. Cas is all clammed up. He's hiding something. Being all shady. I met him halfway. More than halfway, actually. _He's_ the asshole here." He picked up the sponge and began polishing the car again, vigorously.

Sam sighed. "Do you want me to talk to him?"

Dean cut a sideways glance at Sam before returning to his task. "Do what you want. I don't care. I already tried. If Cas wants to be a big boy and talk about it, he can come to me." 

Sam tried to soften him up, but Dean just kept polishing the same spot, his jaw set and face rigid, ignoring him.

\----------------------------------------------------

"Cas?" Sam said softly, rapping at his bedroom door. A few seconds later, a miserable, disheveled looking angel opened the door.

"Yes?" 

Sam was shocked. "Uh, Cas? Are you okay dude? You… kinda look like hell."

"Mm, yes. I'm well. Well… I'm well enough, that is." Cas said, rubbing a hand over his face. 

"Oh my god, Cas. Are you… fuckin' hung over?"

"No, I don't get hung over. Don't be ridiculous," he said slowly. "I'm still drunk."

Sam blinked at Cas in a state of incredulity. " _Why_ are you drunk?"

"Um… I was bored. But I can't leave. Made a promise."

"Cas… you're not bored. You don't get bored. Are you depressed or something? About your fight with Dean?"

"Mmm, maybe."

"Maybe?" Sam asked in an extraordinary state of bafflement. 

Cas stared at him for a moment. "I made a terrible decision. Then I stuck with it. Another terrible decision. Got in… hmm… a difficult situation. A reprimand sort of situation."

Sam was trying to piece this together as Castiel swayed slightly before him.

"How much have you had?"

"Alcohol? Oh, several," he said, nodding, eyes unfocused, "Several cases. Don't worry. Not a whole store this time. However, the ratio of hard liquor was very high compared to that occasion. Hmm."

Sam sighed, brow furrowed. "Why don't you sit down Cas? I'll come in." 

"Yes, that sounds smart. Your ancestors must be proud. I remember when they were tree bound proto primates. Good job," Cas muttered, flopping onto the bed.

Sam wasn't sure that was a compliment. He slowly closed the door behind him, looking at Cas with concern and disbelief. 

"Does Dean know you're drunk?"

"Hmm, I don't believe he does. Haven't seen him today. Best that way." Cas said, looking away from Sam sharply.

"Why is that?"

Cas didn't answer. He just quietly fiddled with the button on the cuff of his trench coat like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. 

"Cas?"

"I heard you."

Sam inclined his head, trying to understand the angel's actions. This was completely unlike him. "Okay...Then what's the answer?"

"I'm not interested in discussing that," Cas said flatly, still resolutely focused on the button.

Sam let out a long exhalation, trying to figure out what to say or how to react to this. This wasn't how Cas usually handled things, and Sam wasn't sure if it was better or worse than his usual tactic of simply leaving for a while. 

"Do you want to tell me what happened between you and Dean? Why are you fighting?"

"We aren't fighting," Cas said, now turning his attention to the clock on the wall, interested beyond reason by the ticking of the second hand, his head slightly bobbing in time as it moved as he laid horizontally on the bed.

"You aren't fighting… sure. So why aren't you talking?"

"Mm, complicated. I made a mistake. I mentioned that," Cas said, flashing Sam a glance only for a moment. 

"Are you mad at Dean?"

Cas's attention snapped toward Sam, and he finally looked the Winchester fully in the face, shocked and indignant. "No! Of course not. Dean hasn't done anything wrong. To the contrary."

"So what is it you're feeling? I don't understand why you're avoiding him," Sam mused to Cas. Then it clicked. "Are you… ashamed of something?"

Cas looked away again with a disgruntled sound. "I suppose that might be it," he grumbled. 

"Cas, don't take it so hard. Dean's not going to be pissed because he didn't hear from you for a few days forever."

Cas let out a dramatic sigh. "That's not the problem. That wasn't -," he cut off, closing his eyes for a moment.

"If it's not that, what is Dean pissed about? I don't get it.

Cas groaned in consternation. "He's not 'pissed', he's… sad. Well, I think he's sad. He doesn't know. Sam, it's complicated."

Sam hesitated. "He doesn't know what?"

Cas looked at him and his jaw clenched. "Nothing."

"Cas-," he started to say, but Cas looked at him and said abruptly, "Please leave. I'd like to be alone now."

"Man, what is going -,"

Cas suddenly stood and clasped a hand on Sam. The angel's eyes glowed blue and Sam found himself outside the door. He shook off the vertigo of sudden transportation and cast a salty look at the door with a huff. He really hadn't expected Castiel to act like a moody teenager, drinking secretly and holing up in his room. 

\----------------------------------------------------

"Something is wrong with Cas," Sam said, charging back into the garage.

Dean was rinsing the car now. He looked up at his brother, giving him a flat look. "You think I don't know that?"

"He's not mad at you. He's guilty. And you were right - I don't know what it is, but he's hiding something."

"Yeah, and not well. I know. But he won't tell me what's going on."

"Did you know he's drunk? He's like, sulking in his freaking room. He teleported me out when he got tired of me."

Dean frowned and raised his eyebrows. "Drunk. Huh. Cute. The guy's stealing my moves." He kept rinsing Baby without further reaction.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Sam was agitated and concerned. 

"He's his own man, Sammy. Nothing I can do. He wants to sulk, he wants to get piss drunk, there's nothing I can do to stop him." He said, feigning apathy with a shrug and terse grin.

"Dean -,"

Dean shook his head with a firm look and held out out a hand in a gesture to stop. "No, Sam. He needs to come clean. If he ain't ready, I got nothin' to say. I'll be around when he wants to spill it, whatever 'it' even is. I'm not hard to find."

\----------------------------------------------------

A few hours later, after Sam had turned in for the night, Dean quietly came to Castiel's door like he had every night this week. Like every time prior, he wanted to knock. He wanted to say to open up. He wanted to demand that Cas spill his guts. Instead, he just felt broken. As if by its own volition, his hand splayed out on the smooth cool wood of the door, his fingers spreading. He felt like if he could just visualize his feelings with enough focus, maybe he could let Cas feel. He felt like his heart was breaking. He knew Cas was still here, which should feel like progress, but felt like he might as well be worlds away with the distance between them, regardless of how close Cas actually was. 

The one thing he could say he had gotten from this experience though is understanding how bad it hurt Cas when he drew away and put up barriers between them. It hurts just as much as when someone physically walks out. It has the same effect. It made him understand better why those around him took it so poorly when he was defensive and deflected their attempts to reach him. It hurt like a son of a bitch.

Dean sighed, eyes stinging, about to turn away from the door. He told Sam earlier and he wasn't wrong - if Cas didn't want to talk, he couldn't make him. Instead, he whispered a longing "I miss you," to the door in front of him

As he went to lift his hand away and go to his room, the door swung open. Castiel's face was covered in shining tears, but they streamed silently, splashing softly and slowly on the collar of his trenchcoat. Dean felt like a deer in the headlights. He hadn't intended to actually face Cas or talk to him. He wasn't prepared. 

Cas breathed in a ragged breath. "I can feel that, you know. That you miss me. The pain. The heartbreak. The doubt. I'm sorry. Dean, I'm so sorry. I've failed and failed and I keep failing," the angel said, quicker than Dean could process.

Dean was a little shocked at the door swinging open and the apology. He blinked, confused for a moment. He just wanted to fix things, but he didn't know how. He didn't have time to think of what he wanted to say.

"You were so open and so kind with me even though you were worried about past mistakes that day - in the shower. You made such a beautiful, if unnecessary apology. But I began to realize that I've never really apologized to you for the worst of all the mistakes I made. Sam, taking the wall away. The Leviathans. I realized I never could make it up to you - the worst of all, Mary. I didn't tell you about the snake and… then Jack..." 

Dean was absolutely reeling with every sentence Cas spoke, feeling more and more like he was hearing Castiel from far away, struggling to catch up. He felt more aware of his blood running cold suddenly and his heart thudding mercilessly loudly in his ears. His brain could not work fast enough when clogged with emotions.

"She's happy in Heaven. She wouldn't come back with me, I couldn't get her to come back. But I wanted to bring her back to you. I contributed to her death. So I thought… if I could travel back to when Jack -," he choked off a teary sob here, "well, to when she was… killed… I could stop it. But Jack, he was soulless, he overpowered me. I got injured. I couldn't save her. I couldn't stop him. I had to hide until my grace recharged and I had healed enough to come home. I failed at getting Mary back for you. Failed at keeping Jack from that mistake that haunts him. Failed at talking with you, failed at comforting and consoling you. And I lied, another failure."

Dean could not believe what he was hearing. His mouth was agape and he was stunned into chilling silence. He had so many thoughts rushing through his mind, a barrage upon him of painful realizations wrapped in every sentence his partner spoke. He was overwhelmed by the floodgate of emotions this confession had brutally unleashed on him.

Dean's eyes drifted back to the dozens of empty liquor bottles behind the angel. Then back to Cas and the tears tracking down his face. He knew he should say something. What should he say? The words felt frozen in his throat. He felt his own eyes brimming with tears - he wasn't sure if he was more angry or heartbroken. What to say?

He swallowed slowly. His voice came out low and ragged and restrained. 

"You're saying... that you went back in time to stop Jack from killing Mom… even though you _know_ she wants to stay in Heaven now, even though she doesn't want to be here?" He heard himself say, as if it were someone else speaking. 

Cas's face twisted painfully and he nodded slowly.

"And then you got stuck in the past where Chuck was still after us because soulless Jack beat your ass and still killed her? You risked yourself like that? Not to mention the fact you travelled back to when Chuck could have ganked you in half a damned thought if he caught you?" He heard his voice was unsteady, gritty. 

Cas just nodded, looking hopeless. "I used many protective sigils," he offered. Dean ignored him.

"And when you got back you lied your ass off and blamed Heaven and _Dr. fuckin' Who_ \- that shoulda fuckin' clued me off right there - instead of owning up to it?" He was aware his voice was becoming very angry, but didn't feel able to stop it. He had raised his voice, he felt the raging bubbling in his chest and the pressure threatening to boil over.

Cas just nodded and made a helpless gesture with his hands. It was all an accurate recounting of events. He couldn't deny it. He didn't want to anymore. He just wanted this to be over, come what may. 

"And then when you get back and I tell you how _wrecked_ I was and try to actually talk to you for once, _you_ pull back and you only stick around because you made a promise to me - not because you want to be here? You drink yourself stupid - alone - and won't let me or even Sam help you? After all that talk of just needing me to forgive myself, after all that, this is what you do, huh? You want me to have healthier habits and here you are, an angel, drunk and mopey?" His voice fluctuated between burning anger and cold resignation. 

Cas just said "Yes," in the most broken, hopeless voice Dean had ever heard.

"Well, Cas… I don't know what I'm supposed to say. This - all of this - was stupid. It was stupid, and it was _fucked up_."

Cas nodded. He couldn't deny it. "I'm sorry, Dean," he said.

Dean sighed, rubbing his face in his hands. "Cas. I'm glad you're home. But you gotta promise me you will never do some wild ass shit like this again. And I'm not gonna say that I'm okay. I'm not. I'm not gonna say I'm not outrageously pissed at you, because I am. I'm not gonna say that it doesn't hurt, because it does. In fact, I gotta say, you ever do some shit like this again - it's over. I can't handle that. I thought we were past that sorta thing now, now that Chuck is gone and things are mostly okay in the world." His voice was rigid and kept breaking as the tears finally broke over. He was angry. God, he was so angry. He was also thankful Cas even made it home alive. He was hurt. He was confused. He didn't normally let himself feel so many things at once and couldn't say he liked it. He felt overwhelmed. He was shaking with a quiet anger that was threatening to break loose of whatever threadbare trappings held it in place.

Cas just looked at him with a tragic resignation.

"But," Dean continued, opening and closing his fist and breathing deeply, "if I had powers like you, I bet I would've tried some stupid shit to fix my mistakes too. If I could pop back in time I never would've let Gadreel into Sam's head and kicked you out. I would've figured something else out. And the Mark… and _all_ the people I've lost… I could go on and on and on," He said with a doleful sigh, voice quivering as tears slowly flowed, but still shaking with anger. 

Cas looked at him, confused, but stayed silent. 

"What I'm sayin' is that… you've forgiven me for some stupid, awful shit. You were there for me no matter how much I hurt you, lied to you, pissed you off. You've always had my back. I can be here for you. But we gotta stop this. That sort of shit ain't healthy. I'm no relationship expert, but I know that much, man. If we're gonna do this whole 'real relationship' bullshit, this love and forever shit, we can't be sneaking around and doing stupid _bullshit_ ," he said, voice raised again.

"You tried to yank my mom from Heaven even though she asked you not to, because she's happy. She said she was _happy_ . She asked to stay. You put yourself back in danger. You _lied to me_ ," Dean said, taking in a ragged breath and wiping tears away vigorously, looking sharply at Cas, "but you always forgive me. You forgive me for everything, everytime. And I forgive you. I already told you that in Purgatory. But I'll forgive you again. Just...give me some time," Dean said, jaw clenched, fists balled up until his knuckles were white. 

Cas was relieved in some sense. But everything still hurt overall, and the guilt seemed worse upon forgiveness, however tentative it was. He wanted to hug or kiss or touch Dean, to ground himself in this reality, to feel the forgiveness in a physical way. But it didn't seem right to do that. He looked at Dean, feeling broken and small, knowing that reaching out to the hunter would break whatever tenuous hold he was keeping over himself right now. Cas felt his chest tighten and he loathed being trapped in his vessel, feeling the nearly physical pain that accompanied failure and heartbreak, and the guilt that somehow felt worse at being offered forgiveness than it had before.

Dean touched Castiel's face softly and with affection, gently stroking his thumb across the angel's stubbled cheek, but his eyes spoke volumes of hurt and distrust. Cas choked back a gasp, shocked at the gesture, but dared not move or lean into it. As quick as he'd reached out, Dean then withdrew his hand and turned, walking away.

Cas didn't think seeing someone walk just a few steps out of view could hurt so badly, but today he learned it could be the most devastating feeling in the world.

\----------------------------------------------------

Dean wasn't sure how he kept his cool and talked all that out with Cas, but he needed to get the anger out somehow. The hunter marched right outside and found a sturdy, old looking tree. He punched it. His knuckles stung and the bark cracked under them with a satisfying sound. He punched it again, not caring. He hit the tree over and over, beating the bark into dust, until his hands were both covered in blood and sap and decimated tree bark. A spot on the tree was left nearly bare. When he felt satisfied with that, he went to the car and used the first aid kit to clean and bandage his hands, calm and detached. He hadn't meant to hurt himself, but he had to punch something, preferably not someone. He was still learning. He knew it wasn't a healthy coping mechanism. 

"Baby steps," he whispered to himself.

Dean went to the kitchen and took a bottle of whiskey to his room and he fell asleep drinking and listening to music - any angry, furious song that came to mind. The staccato beats and persistent bass rang in his ears as he polished off the whiskey and fell into fitful dreams.

\----------------------------------------------------

Cas spent the next few days flitting in and out of the bunker quietly. He was still avoiding Dean, but feeling hopeful now that he had a plan. 

His newfound interest in cooking for Dean was going to pay off, he decided. He spent time gathering the finest ingredients from all over the world. He also had to find a blank tape, which was surprisingly difficult for a seraph with little interest in knowing where to buy obscure, outdated objects. He did threaten to pull terrified teenaged cashiers over the counter at a few different stores before finally finding a blank tape at a small store in New Jersey with the help of Google.

He had only become familiar with the deep emotional significance of the human courtship ritual well after Dean had given him the Led Zeppelin tape. He was resolved that at some point, he would make an equally romantic tape for Dean, but this was not the time for that. This would be an apology tape. 

It turned out that he hated making the tape. First of all, the radio DJ had to be coaxed with a little grace and many phone calls - which Cas also hated doing - into playing the songs he desired to put on the tape because he wasn't sure how else he was going to get Taylor Swift on there otherwise. He was sure Dean knew a better way, but he couldn't exactly ask him. 

Second, it was a painfully time consuming process. Castiel truly couldn't comprehend how humans could spend their fleeting, miniscule lives on things like this. But he needed to make this for Dean, and so he did, through great effort and strain on his patience.

When the tape was done, he recruited Sam into keeping Dean away from the kitchen. He had spent the night reading recipes and cooking techniques for this, so he felt prepared and determined to make the best meal Dean had ever had. 

\----------------------------------------------------

"Dean!" Sam said, panicking as he saw his brother walking toward the kitchen. He was distracted by the bandages on Dean's hand. "Dude, what happened to you?"

Dean glanced at his hand. "Oh. Got in a fight with a tree. I lost," he said with a terse grin and a shrug.

Sam gave him a pained look. Dean waved his hand in a dismissive gesture.

"Nothing that won't heal, Sammy. Did it to myself. I'll be fine."

Sam remembered his original reason for approaching his brother and began to think about how he could break Dean's single minded focus on food to keep him out of the kitchen. "Do you... wanna go out? I need help. Eileen's birthday is coming up and I don't know what to get her. I'm kinda freaking out," Sam said with an awkward chuckle. Eileen's birthday wasn't for a month and a half, but he had to keep Dean out of the kitchen.

Dean looked like was going to turn Sam down, but stopped short, hesitating. "Oh, why the hell not. Sure. There's nothing to hunt and Cas -...well, there's no reason for me to hang out here," he ended bitterly. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Cas was standing alone in the kitchen, waiting impatiently for the timer go off. He desperately wanted to use his grace, but he knew that for Dean, the effort was a part of the value of a thing. He could appreciate that - he liked to take time and care with his bees and the garden. He sighed heavily, staring at the oven.

"I must love him deeply and truly to consume my time with this," he muttered to the empty room. 

He vaguely perked up, but his heart dropped at the same moment when he heard the brothers bickering and the bunk door closing. 

"I'm just saying, lingerie is a great gift! It's like a gift for both of you!"

"Dean, her birthday isn't about me, it's about her. And we've been dating like, for a little while. You can't get women lingerie after a couple months. Plus it's not even a thoughtful gift."

"The hell you can't! It's not like you haven't sealed the deal already. And it's a gift for her that's also a gift for you that is also a gift for her _again_ because you know, you can deliver the payoff. You know what I'm saying?... It's sex, that's the payoff, Sammy. You can have good sex."

"Shut up, you're such a creep."

"Smells good in here, doesn't it? Hmm. Anyway, I'm not a creep, I'm a genius. Lingerie - that puts her in control, you know? Like she puts it on and you're out of commission, you'll do whatever she wants."

"What are you talking about? Not every dude is so stupefied by pink lace."

"Maybe not every dude, but I know at least one," Dean chuckled. Cas was curious about that comment and made a mental note to follow up on that sometime.

Sam spluttered. "No! Gross! Stop talking to me about sex! I don't want to hear about your fetishes."

"I'm just saying, she definitely doesn't need a watch. What she _might_ need is a little pink teddy and a big night with her Samsquatch."

"You're disgusting. Don't call me that."

"Gabriel's pretty good at nicknames, gotta give him credit. Do you smell that? Something smells so good…"

Cas could hear the brothers drawing closer. Finally the timer buzzed and he impatiently grabbed the sheet out of the oven with his bare hands, bringing it over to the table right as Dean walked into the kitchen, following his nose. Cas held his gaze hesitantly for a moment before looking down, abashed.

Sam hung back in the doorway, giving Cas a friendly nod and wink before turning away. Dean's brow furrowed slightly at seeing Cas, but then his eyes widened at the food laid out on the table. He went to grab a french fry, but Cas stopped him, gently guiding his hand away from the food. "You would find that very hot. It just came out of the oven."

Dean silently nodded. Before he could say anything, Cas grasped his hands. "You've harmed yourself. What did you do?"

"Oh. It's nothing. Hit a tree. No big deal," Dean murmured, embarrassed. Cas wanted to kiss them better with grace, but refrained, instead hovering a hand over each of Dean's, watching the raw scabbed flesh knit back together perfectly under healing light. "Didn't have to do that, Cas," Dean murmured again, not meeting his eye. 

"It… it was my fault, really. Anyway, it's done. Sit. Please. I made you a meal. And - here," Cas said softly, handing Dean the tape. He had labelled it in lovely penmanship "Castiel's Top 13 Remorseful and Apologetic 'Traxx'," complete with quotation marks. Dean couldn't help but chuckle.

"I'm afraid to ask if there's a genre of music you stuck to."

"It's mostly pop or independent artists. I found that it captures my intentions most clearly."

Dean nodded with a small smile, huffing out a light chuckle. He was almost guaranteed to hate every song on this tape, he was sure.

"Please, eat while it's warm. I made you a bacon cheeseburger and fries. I know you enjoy that."

Dean smiled softly again. Sometimes it overwhelmed him how small and nervous and cute Cas could appear to him, how easy it was to forget that Castiel, angel of the lord, could smite him in a second if he wanted to, or throw him back to Hell, or really anything he wanted. This was a being that was older than time, had fought and won glorious heavenly battles, had seen species and civilizations rise and fall. Castiel could easily make Dean his bitch, but here was Cas, worked up and bashful looking, nervously licking his lips and wringing his hands, shifting back and forth on his feet, waiting to pin his happiness on what Dean thought of the sandwich he made.

However mad Dean seemed to be, he just melted every time he saw Cas like this. "You got a fancy bun for it, huh? It smells good, Cas. _Real_ good."

He grabbed the burger and sank his teeth in, eyes on Cas. He couldn't help but moan and let his eyes flutter as he bit in. He slowly chewed, savoring the burger. This wasn't some greasy diner burger - although Dean would argue those are good in their own right as well - this, like everything Cas toiled over, was artisanal. But not in a dumb uppity way, like a really good quality, tasty damned burger. It was perfect. 

After Dean enjoyed and swallowed the first bite, he looked at Cas, heart aflutter. "Mmm! Dude what is this made of? It's so fucking good." Dean didn't think you should get a boner from food, but he was pretty sure that this burger had the power to do it.

"It's ground sirloin with gouda cheese, pepper bacon, and hot red onions, on an onion roll," he said, looking hesitant. 

Dean furrowed his brow for a moment, which made Castiel’s stomach drop. Then the hunter’s face softened. "That's fancy as fuck, Cas," he laughed. "I've never eaten like that. I eat cold greasy truck stop food with a little hunter's helper to wet the whistle. And you're over here making me meals that would put Gordon Ramsay to shame? Damn. I’m lucky."

"I don't know who that is. But you deserve nice things. Try the fries, they should be cool enough now."

Dean picked one up. It looked fancy, with little green flecks of stuff and being all hand julienned and what not. He took a bite and was again, enraptured in his sense of taste. "Oh sweet Jesus," he breathed, closing his eyes for a moment. "Mmm," he moaned, opening his eyes to regard the remainder of the french fury. "How the hell did you make hot fries better than they already were?"

"They're Yukon gold potatoes, seasoned, baked, and sprinkled lightly with truffle oil and sea salt."

Dean blinked at him, raising his eyebrows. "Truffle oil? I know Charlie made sure we were loaded for life but damn, that's ritzy shit. And I didn't even know that was a kind of potato. Fancy."

Cas shrugged. "I just believe you are worth it. And truffle oil is supposed to taste very good."

"Well, it is. Good call, man."

Dean took another bite of the burger, barely stifling a moan this time. This burger was really something. Cas had a knack, which was really impressive since he couldn't taste anything. Dean knew he had been studying cookbook after cookbook like it was the word of God, and watching crazy stupid amounts of Food Network before he disappeared. Dean had been dubious that Cas would be able to develop real skill at cooking without a sense of taste, but it sure had paid off.

"Sit with me, Cas," he said, his voice faint and tender, gesturing to the seat across from him. The angel's heart soared at the fragile offering. He sat slowly, as if he might frighten Dean off if he wasn't careful, wings twitching anxiously behind him. Dean could always tell when Cas was really nervous, because he pinned his wings tightly to his back, and the long primaries trembled occasionally when something had caught his attention. It was kind of adorable. 

"I'm still upset, you know," Dean said quietly, holding Cas's gaze. "But that doesn't mean I don't still… ya know… love you." He nibbled on a fry, brow furrowed. "It doesn't mean I'll be mad forever. You just gotta give me time and show me you're not gonna keep this type of shit up." He looked at Cas, still eating as he spoke. He seemed sad, but tender in a way. It gave Cas a funny uncomfortable feeling in his chest that he couldn't quite describe. 

"How much time does forgiveness take?" Castiel asked sadly. 

"It doesn't work like that."

"How does it work, then?"

"It's not like people just wake up one day and suddenly feel better. It's gradual. It's slow, you think about it less and less everyday until you don't think about it at all. And I already told you. I forgive you. You don't hafta wait around for that. You're only waiting for me to feel better."

Cas just looked at him, puzzled and longing. Normally the need to stop disaster had them teaming up and reuniting prematurely after a fight or betrayal and pushing it aside. He wasn't sure how long it was going to take before Dean would "feel better" at a natural pace, unaided by impending catastrophe. 

"I love you too, you know. You said it earlier. I do too," Cas said in a hushed tone, unsure of what else to say.

Dean looked at his plate and then looked back at Cas with a serious, contemplative expression. Pointing at Cas with a french fry as he chewed thoughtfully, he said, "You know, I think I get it. I know what the problem is. You said my problem is I need to forgive myself. For my mistakes, right?"

Cas nodded. It was true.

"Well _your_ problem is, you need to _accept_ your mistakes, accept that you can even make 'em. You can't even get to forgiveness, you're still stuck trying to wrap your mind around the fact you made something happen that didn't work out. That's why all your big mistakes are trying to fix other stuff you think you messed up."

Cas looked down, pensive. He supposed Dean had a point. "I did spend millennia under the impression that as a soldier of heaven I couldn't truly make mistakes if I acted in accordance with heaven's orders. I suppose… free will and the absence of divine guidance can be intimidating, and...difficult to reconcile." His eyes met Dean’s. He felt very vulnerable in this moment. Dean just looked like he was discussing the weather, like this was normal. 

Dean nodded. "Yeah, exactly. And I can accept that I made my mistakes - I mean, my old man always basically acted like I was one big walking mistake. But I can't handle the aftermath. I know I'm bound to fuck up, I live with that over my head the time. It's the guilt and the failure after that hits me."

Dean chewed thoughtfully before sayinf, "I guess what I’m sayin’ is, I struggle with accepting that I'm worth forgiveness, right? But you, you struggle with accepting the fact you fucked up at all. You’re this… ultra ancient celestial war strategist, right? You think it all through. You feel all solid that your plans are backed by eons of experience and carefully thought out. You’re always blindsided when it doesn’t work out, y’know? But me? I rush into shit headlong and figure I’ll pick up the pieces after, no hesitation. It’s just when I turn around and see how broken I left it that it hits me.” Dean kept eating like he hadn't delivered a personal epiphany to Castiel. 

The angel lifted his eyebrows in a hopeless look, nodding solemnly. Never let it be said that Dean Winchester wasn't capable of deep thought and introspection. It just usually didn't make it out for others to hear. Cas also wasn’t sure that he _wanted_ to hear any of that - but he couldn’t refute any of it. It didn’t feel very good to have this sort of thing laid out in front of you matter of factly.

"I suppose that makes a great deal of sense," Cas admitted with a heavy, thoughtful sigh. “I think another factor of my inability to accept failure is that… I just _feel_ so much. So much more deeply than I’m used to. I suppose it’s my soul, or perhaps just allowing myself to realize that I want to be here, on Earth, with you. I don’t know for certain. Perhaps it’s just our bond. Regardless of why, _I feel_. I feel so much, so deeply. It’s overwhelming, the good, the bad - I feel it all so much. To feel and not knowing how to handle that - ,” the angel said. 

He was trying to hold back tears. Unlike Dean, he didn’t find tears shameful, but he did find them concerning. They were another reminder that he was more human and more in his vessel sometimes than angel now. He supposed he should find that upsetting, but he couldn’t help but think this was right. This was where he was always meant to be. With Dean.

Dean barked out a bitter laugh. “You picked the wrong humans to hang around if you wanted to learn how to handle your feelings, buddy.”

Cas huffed out the shell of a laugh in response. The hunter had a point.

Dean smiled ruefully. "Guess you really aren’t a hammer anymore, huh?” The hunter’s face softened, looking at Cas’s miserable expression. “We make quite a pair, don't we? Pair o' dumbasses."

Cas chuckled. "I prefer 'fallible' and 'learning'. Less dumb. Less ass."

"You can't always say that. There's worse things than being a dumbass, you know. Maybe start by accepting we can be dumbasses and still be alright." Dean said with a wink, biting into his burger once more. He was struck anew at how good the burger was. The juicy, tender meat, the creamy melted cheese, the hot bite of the onion and coarse ground mustard - it was truly fantastic. And much fancier than anything he normally ate.

He really was blown away that Cas had done this for him, and this was his first meal cooked without supervision and human assistance. It made him feel a little silly for keeping such a close eye on Cas before. "Mm, Cas… I hope you never stop cooking. I'm glad you picked up a hobby. You're really damn good at this."

Through the rest of the meal, Dean was trying to make Cas smile, making euphoric glances at the burger, and trying to lighten the mood. The little jokes bolstered Cas's confidence, and soon, things felt a bit closer to normal between them. As Dean finished his burger and moved back to fries, he glanced at the mixtape. 

"What songs did you put on here, Cas?"

"It's a mix of several artists. It has Taylor Swift, Imagine Dragons, several others. The main theme, as you may notice, is regret and feeling apologetic. Things like that."

If Dean didn't think it would be a sin to disgrace that fine burger in such a way, he would have thrown up. The tape sounded positively painful to listen to. He knew he'd have to listen to it at some point, though.

"Well, that's very sweet, Cas. I didn't think you knew how to make a mixtape," he said with a tender smile. It sounded awful (he wouldn’t admit to himself that he was somewhat looking forward to the Taylor Swift), but imagining the angel taking the time to do it softened him up.

"I didn't. I had a great deal of trouble even locating the blank tape to start with. I had to go to New Jersey."

"Why did you have to go to Jersey? The drug store here in Lebanon sells 'em."

Cas looked suddenly pissed and he turned away in disbelief. "I didn't think to look at drugstores. Why would a medicinal dispensary sell cassette tapes?"

Dean let out a peal of laughter. "Oh man. That sucks."

"Yes, it does. I didn’t enjoy my time in New Jersey." Cas agreed, sulking and folding his arms on the table. Dean couldn't help but think about how good he looked. Anytime Cas took off his jacket and trench and rolled up his sleeves, Dean practically salivated over the breadth of his shoulders and the way his arms filled out the upper sleeves. He delighted in the muscles of his forearms and the contrast of Castiel's dark skin against the white shirt.

Cas noticed him taking in an eyeful, so Dean flashed him a flirty smile. He may still be hurt, but he missed being close to Cas, enjoying time together like this. It had been more than two weeks since things had felt close to right between them. Even a slow, partial reconciliation felt good.

But Cas did not respond back as Dean expected. He just gave Dean a repentant look, biting his lip anxiously. But he did hesitantly place a hand exactly halfway across the table, trying to look nonchalant, turning his face away toward the floor, and tried to act like it wouldn't break his heart if Dean didn't grab it.

But Cas felt like his heart was breaking free and a bursting, inordinate joy burned through him when he felt Dean clasp his hand firmly and run his thumb back and forth over his knuckles. His hand was so warm and rough against his own. It felt like home. It felt like a missing piece of him was back where it belonged. Some of the ache within him eased and he involuntarily breathed out a sigh of relief, shutting his eyes and trying to let his vessel and his soul just live in this moment, feel these feelings, sensations, emotions. He took in the scent of the food, the feel of Dean's warmth and the calluses from hunting and playing guitar pressed against his hand, the sound of the hunter's steady breath.

"It's gonna be okay, Cas. I was never as mad at you as you thought. Nothing worth going on a bender for. I was more sad and hurt than anything. You were just too busy feeling guilty to parse that out, man. And that's why I know you're not gonna do it again."

Cas slowly looked up at him, abashed and cautious. "No, I won't. I swear. I wanted to do something good for you, but… I understand now why it was wrong. But I will say I did know you were sad. I didn't know what to do about that. I know what to do when I make you simply worried or angry, but… I did not know how to mend the hurt and sadness I caused you."

"It was a nice idea to bring mom back. I miss her, so much. But like I said, she's happy and it was dangerous for you to go back there - or then, I guess. And I'll never get over what happened, not totally, but shit, he was soulless. I've been a demon, I've killed innocent people. That haunts me. But it's not Jack's fault. Really, it was Chuck if you think about it." He said, spitting out the spent deity's name. "I'm trying to come to peace with mom. And I am, slowly. It makes it easier knowing she's happy."

Cas nodded, cocking his head to the side a bit. It was strange to him that Dean wanted her back, but could handle her loss. Maybe it was because he'd done it before. 

Dean reached his other hand across the table, gasping the seraph's hand in both of his own. He gave him a serious look, holding his eyes in his gaze. "Cas, let's agree to something here and now, okay? Let's talk about it with each other before we do anything stupid. That way, we either go in to do the stupid thing together, or hopefully we can talk each other out of it. Capiche?"

"Um, yes. I capiche," Cas murmured, looking chastened.

They moved on to lighter topics, chatting as Dean finished the meal. It felt good to talk again. As he ate the last french fry, Dean was really trying to savor it. He looked sad it was gone. The meal had been truly fantastic. 

"Are you ready for dessert?" Cas asked, perking up slightly.

Dean looked giddy, like an excited child. "What's dessert?" He said, grinning and practically bouncing in his seat, looking around. 

Cas smiled and reluctantly released Dean's hand, trailing fingers over the hunter's palm as he stepped away. He walked over to the counter and removed a kitchen towel that had been covering a lovely lattice pie.

"Oh, _fuck_ yeah!" Dean cried enthusiastically "What flavor?"

"Fresh cherry."

Dean giggled and pumped his fist into the air, and Cas couldn't help but smile as he brought it over to him and sat back down.

Dean cut himself a big slice. "Oh wow, it's still warm," and he hummed in a long, drawn out sound of enjoyment and satisfaction, closing his eyes and grinning as he chewed the flaky, buttery crust and let the warm, sweet pie filling spread over his tongue. The cherries were perfectly sweet and tart. He let out a sigh. “Oh wow. It’s really good, Cas. Wow,” he sighed, wonderstruck. 

Cas wasn't sure why this string of vocalization caught his interest more than the other indecent noises Dean made eating his burger - maybe just that there was some measure of resolution between them - but he felt a flare of heat coiling low in his belly. His breath hitched slightly. He didn't want to be too forward with Dean yet though, so he didn't attempt to broadcast his reaction. Last time they'd fought and made up, they had both been upset. This time he just felt downtrodden and guilt ridden. Dean was more hurt than angry. Cas didn't know how to overcome that, so he resolved not to make a move toward intimacy until the hunter did.

But he didn't have to wait long. Dean gave him an odd look for a moment, noticing the angel's small reaction. The hunter eyed him with a peculiar, mischievous expression. A wicked grin ghosted over Dean's lips for a moment before he took another bite, slowly pulling the spoon out of his mouth with an appreciative sound that captivated Castiel's attention quite fully. 

"Mmmm, _Cas_ ," Dean breathed dramatically, voice low after he swallowed the bite. "This is so good."

Cas lifted his brows in interest and nodded. "Yeah. Yes," he huffed quietly, leaning a little closer as he observed the hunter.

"The pie."

"Oh yes, the pie."

He took another bite, watching Cas carefully. Of course he made another noise, more intense than the last, a low rumbling sound. He licked a little of the sticky sweet pie filling off his lips. "Delicious," he breathed, holding Cas's gaze hungrily. 

Cas was a little slow on the uptake though. He leaned in with an eyebrow cocked in curiosity, "Dean… is this sexually arousing to you? I am not familiar with any aphrodisiac properties-,"

Dean rolled his eyes. "No, dumbass," he interrupted chewing. "You are."

"Oh?" Cas looked confused. He kept looking at the slice of pie, then back at Dean, cocking his head.

The hunter sighed, putting down the spoon for a moment. "I'm pretending the pie is making me do this, but it's not. I mean, it is awesome - it's the best pie ever - but it's not getting me hot and bothered. You are. Got it?" He used pregnant pauses between words at the end to try and make things clearer to Cas, but he wasn't sure it was getting through.

"Um… yes," Castiel answered, not confident at all that he got it.

"Okay, good. Wanna keep it going?" Dean asked, winking. 

Cas looked flummoxed, slightly narrowing his eyes in thought. "Yes?" He said, uncertain. 

Dean winked again and took another very dramatic bite and moaning loudly, letting his eyes fall closed. "Cas, you made this pie _so good_ , baby."

Cas visibly shifted in his seat and grinned bashfully, huffing a soft laugh at the term of endearment. Dean thought he looked very cute when taken down a notch, when the angel was a little uncertain like this. He wished angels could blush, because he was pretty sure that Cas would be a delicious shade of red right now if he could. Before he got back to full power, he blushed a bit sometimes and Dean loved it. It was the one thing he missed about Cas at low power.

"Um, yes. I'm glad you like it," Cas said softly with a shy grin, fussing a little with his collar.

"Mmm, so good. These cherries are really juicy," Dean crooned, flashing a rakish smile.

Cas looked at Dean, hesitating. He clearly expected some type of response. "Um, I noticed that too, when I was pitting them. They are exceptionally juicy cherries. They're from Spain." It almost sounded like a question, because Cas had no idea what he was supposed to say here.

Dean faltered for a moment, trying to reclaim the mood. Then he smiled, cocking his eyebrow. "Spain, huh? ¡Ay caramba!"

Cas looked suddenly worried, which made Dean wonder what the hell “ay caramba” actually meant. “Ah, yes, Spain. Is that alright?" Cas said.

Dean sighed and gave Cas an impassive look. "I don't know that much Spanish, Cas, just what I learned from porn… well, and cartoons." Dean thought for a moment. "Maybe we need to set the mood for this type of thing better. Let me finish this… amazing pie - it's so fucking good - and then if you want you can, y’know, come to my room." He blushed, looking a little shy himself now. He wasn't sure if Cas even wanted to get intimate - he wasn't used to the angel being so fragile and timid.

But his concerns were abated when Castiel nodded vigorously, looking cautiously optimistic. He paused then. "Are we done pretending the pie is giving you sexual pleasure?"

"Uh, yeah Cas. I think we are." Dean said a little flatly. Cas sighed in relief. 

"This pie really is the best I've ever had, though. I wasn't pretending that part."

Cas smiled brightly. "I'm glad it's good."

"No, it’s not good, it’s fucking _awesome_. Now that I know you can do this, I'm gonna make you do it all the time." Dean said with a cocky smile, taking another bite.

Normally Cas would either quip back something about Dean not having the capacity to force him into doing anything, or just arch an eyebrow at him in challenge. But today, he was feeling more or less humbled and uncertain. So he just nodded. He liked cooking for Dean anyway. 

When Dean finished the pie - which he savored, so it took longer than Cas wanted it to, even though he was awfully flattered - he practically dragged Cas to his room, giggling excitedly, Cas trailing behind him. They passed Sam in the war room, and he just rolled his eyes.

"Glad you two worked it out," he mumbled. "Guess I'll clean up the kitchen.”

"It's already done," Cas said as he passed. Sam gave him a questioning look. "Grace," he said, holding out his hand and wiggling his fingers. 

"Come on, Cas," Dean said impatiently, mean-mugging his brother. Cas practically ran into Dean's room and the door slammed shut behind them. 

Sam couldn't help but shake his head and laugh. "Gross," he said affectionately to the empty room.

\----------------------------------------------------

Dean shoved Cas onto the bed, climbing on him eagerly. He began by kissing him thoroughly, unable to keep from smiling into it. Cas desperately breathed in the musky, leather scent of the hunter like it was his lifeline. 

"I've missed you," Cas breathed, his eyes closed. 

"Why so serious?" Dean knew he was being avoidant, but he at least wanted Cas to talk about his feelings.

Cas flashed him a guilty look. "I just feel terrible. I don’t know why you would want to be around me or give me affection right now. But I’ve missed you terribly."

Dean frowned. "You're starting to sound like me. Stop it. You deserve affection. Lots of affection. And I'm gonna give it to you. You know… we've had a while to sit on this. I've simmered down a bit, you know? Let's just...be close to each other again," he said, holding Cas's hand close to his heart, '"cause uh, I missed you too."

Cas sighed and grasped onto the hunter, feeling the muscles of his back and arms, squeezing slightly, and taking in this moment with his senses. 

"Loosen up, relax, Cas. Let me make you feel good, angel," Dean purred, nuzzling against his neck. 

Cas couldn't help but comply. He recognized the word as a new term of endearment and it made him smile softly. Whether he felt he deserved it or not, the fact they were talking and close again made him ecstatic. 

Dean pressed tiny kisses onto the shell of Castiel's ear, below it, and down his neck. It was soft, affectionate and playful. The hunter pushed Cas down to lay beneath him, then sat up on him. He liked to straddle Cas like this where his wings were pinned behind him so he could really get at them with his hands and there was no escape. Petting the feathers made Cas moan and squirm beautifully beneath him, needy and desperate, and Dean hummed with appreciation at every jolt of grace that ran through him. 

"Cas?" He asked, smiling softly and biting his lower lip, as he still lazily ruffled the angels feathers.

"Mm?" Was all the angel said in response, bucking his hips lightly into the hunter straddling him. 

Dean chuckled low in his throat. "You know how I said sometimes weird can be good?"

Cas leaned back up, opening his eyes and looking at the hunter. He kissed Dean's jaw softly, eyes still on him. "Yes, I recall."

"Can I ask you to do something that's maybe," - Dean paused, licking slowly up Castiel's neck and ending up close enough to whisper seductively in his ear - "just a _little_ weird? Not crazy, just… a _little_ bit weird."

Cas instantly answered, "I'd do anything with you,” in a low gravelly tone that sent sparks through Dean’s blood.

Dean chuckled, looking at Cas, giving a low whistle. "I'm gonna remember how quickly you said that. Kinky perv," he said with a waggish smile. The hunter got up and went to his closet, grabbing the Stetson Cas had given him.

"Oh, you want to wear it? While we have sex?" Cas asked, sitting up. He was curious. 

Dean blushed and grinned playfully. He straddled Castiel once more, and kissed him softly. Cas could tell that he was very excited but also very nervous about this request for some reason. 

Dean moved on from the kiss to an ear nibble and whispered in a low, dark rumble, "Actually sunshine... I was thinking _you'd_ look mighty nice in this hat… riding me," he said, feigning some sort of mock country cowboy accent that would have made anyone else laugh in his face. Cas just looked at him, blinking owlishly for a moment.

"Ohh," Cas said, eyes wide as he realized what Dean was requesting. "You want to be inside me while I… oh, _yes_ ," Cas said, eagerly bucking his hips up into the hunter, frustrated by all the clothes in the way, breathing raggedly at the friction. Dean flashed another grin, then set the hat on Cas's head.

Dean looked at Cas and bit his lip. "Oh yeah. That'll do nicely, I reckon," he said with a shuddering exhale.

Cas nodded, but Dean caught the confusion in his eyes and recalled the misunderstanding about the pie. The hunter sighed. It was endearing but embarrassing to have to explain these things out loud to Cas. 

_He's a bajillion year old virgin,_ Dean thought to himself, bemused.

Dean sighed, but smiled at Cas with a sheepish chuckle, blushing. He had a feeling he was more embarrassed by explaining it than Cas was going to be to learn about it. "Uh, this is sorta… kinky, I guess. I mean, not really, I dunno. It's like… sexy dress up, or pretend. A little light roleplay, like ultra light, I guess," he stuttered, feeling stupid, blushing fiercely, "but the whole point of this is that you just... ride me and, uh...keep your hat on as much as possible. If you're okay with it?" Dean said, smiling nervously. This sounded stupid when explaining it like that. But Cas just nodded with a serious look, thinking. 

“That’s what you were attempting to do as well with your vocal enjoyment of the pie. 'Sexy' pretending.”

“Yeah, you got it.”

Cas took the information in quietly for a moment. "I should do a cowboy voice?" he asked, looking uncertain, adjusting the hat slightly.

"Uhhh," Dean uttered, cheeks burning, "if you want. Don't do _anything_ you don't want to. Always. That's always true." A stupid grin broke out over his red face. "But if you want to, I bet that would be hot as hell."

"I'd be much obliged...partner." Cas tried awkwardly. Dean still flushed excitedly and didn't seem to mind that it was really poorly executed. Cas hesitated for a moment. Cas decided he was going to try to be a quiet sort of cowboy if at all possible. He really didn't think a cowboy as depicted in Dean's western films would say "You're beautiful," or "I love you," or “I am a celestial being with immense cosmic power beyond your mortal comprehension, I don’t understand the desire to play dress up,” or any of the things Cas felt compelled to say. Instead, he softly mumbled, “I think perhaps I’ll limit the use of a cowboy voice.”

Dean laughed and eagerly began to loosen the angel's tie and unbutton his shirt. 

Dean didn’t always want to use frisky humor or playful silliness to get Cas into the bedroom after a fight, but he had to break the ice and let him know that he was still loved somehow. Dean wasn’t interested in talking about feelings anymore than he already had right now. That had taken a lot out of him over the last several days, and he just wanted to feel close to Cas again and have a good time. He knew that he should probably have done some sort of tender, reassuring lovemaking, but he was emotionally exhausted and this just felt _right_. If Cas was going to have Dean lead the way right now, he was going for something familiar. Lighthearted, frisky, playful sexual interactions were tools Dean was familiar with, and he was glad it worked. It took the intimidating factor out of it, it removed the personal and deep, scary emotional contact. He supposed he should feel bad, but he didn't. Especially if it meant Cas was really going to ride him in a cowboy hat - he hadn't been feigning his interest in that. So maybe shifting the focus more to pie or hats rather than his tender heart wasn’t the most mature thing he could do, but he wasn’t sorry. There was time for that later. 

"You're looking good, Cas. With the wings and that hat. Real good," he drawled, reassuming the botched voice with a cheesy wink. This was stupid, he knew that, but he couldn't seem to stop the giddy energy from coursing through him. If he was being honest, he'd thought about Cas in this hat a lot, especially since that case in Oklahoma. Stupid or not, Dean was into it.

"Um...You're a fine looking man yourself,'' Cas grated out, definitely struggling to put together the ad lib dialogue and not really mastering the speech pattern or affecting the accent well. Cas supposed all those hours watching westerns with his partner hadn't paid off at all. Dean didn't seem to notice, however. He was sporting a dopey grin and tented jeans. 

Dean tipped the hat back on the angel's head so the brim wouldn't interfere with the lively kiss he gave to Cas, openly moaning into his mouth and grinding his hips down onto Cas's as he gripped the alula of his wings as anchors. Dean could feel Cas's cock harden and twitch under him in reaction, which made him smile into the kiss.

Dean dismounted, releasing Cas. "Stand up and take those trousers off for me, cowboy," Dean said, eyeing Cas up and down and giving him a finger gun.

Cas hesitated, a little nervous, but tipped the hat to Dean and stood. He then began to slowly remove his pants, looking at the man hungrily from under the brim.

Dean settled on the bed, watching Cas with an impatient adoration. He's practically bouncing on the bed in anticipation, whipping off the remainder of his clothes and tossing them carelessly, but his eyes, filled with an exhilarated spark, were fixed firmly on Cas all the while.

Dean could pretty much see the moment that the confidence surged back up in Cas - there was a moment when he was looking at Dean as he stripped, giving him that reluctant, sad look. But as the angel looked at Dean, excited and blushing, awaiting him - something changed. The look went from sad to like a man dying of thirst that just saw the first water in days that could slake him, like a switch flipping inside him. Cas put a hand on the stetson and made his way back over to Dean with confident strides, wings spreading gorgeously, proud and strong behind him, nearly filling the room.

_There’s my Cas,_ the hunter thought.

As Cas stalks over, looking at Dean with that covetous salacity that made the hunter practically vibrate with electricity and want. He had missed that look, he had missed the blue eyes raking over his body, then piercing deeper into something he could barely fathom with a power so strong that he imagined he could feel the physical touch of the gaze.

Cas made his way to the bed and threw one of his powerful thighs over Dean, straddling him. They were both already hard, although Dean was visibly much more excitable than Cas, in more ways than one. The energy and joyful exuberance the hat - God, Cas was killing it in that hat! - was giving him practically had the hunter useless and at Cas’s total mercy was getting the angel worked up quickly, however. At first, Cas had been ambivalent to the hat at best, finding it perhaps a little stupid but not willing to tear Dean down in such a way, especially with the opportunity presented to ride him. The hat seemed a small enough price to pay. But seeing Dean giggling and weak in the knees, flushed a beautiful crimson shade for him just at the tip of the hat - well, he decided maybe he’d wear the stetson with a little more pride now.

“Wow, Cas,” Dean whispered, still grinning like a fool. Cas grinned back, but there was something wanting and foreign in his eyes that intrigued the hunter. Dean gave his lover’s thighs an appreciative squeeze, stroking and squeezing up and down. “I have a feeling you’re going to be really, really good at this,” he rumbled. 

Cas cocked an eyebrow at him. It always made Dean a little breathless, that _look_ \- the strong brow, the angular straight nose, the way Cas was looking down at him, perched comfortably across his hips - oh, Dean knew he was _in_ for it tonight. The hat, the Sexy Eyebrow Look, a new position, these fucking _thighs_ wrapped around him - Cas may be the one taking dick tonight, but Dean had lost control the second he put that hat on Cas and he couldn't be more thrilled.

"Not that I want you to get up, Cas, but we should probably get you prepped."

"Mm, no." 

Dean was about to protest and Cas waved his hand absently in the air, a twinkle in his eye. "We don't need to worry about that tonight," he said in a low voice. 

"Oh, you didn't…" Dean said with a disbelieving open mouthed smile.

Cas smiled and tipped his hat again. Dean definitely saw mischief in those eyes. 

"Cas! You know that gets me fired up so quick. You are so _dirty_ . Grace?! For _prep_? You know what that holy-being-doing-unholy-stuff thing does to me," Dean said, voice breaking and groaning dramatically as he grabbed the angel's ass and sucked in a deep breath, enjoying the full round firmness in his hands. 

Cas frowned. "I told you, don't _say_ that. This isn't dirty. What we do together _can't_ be. It's not."

Dean was about to launch into an explanation - or perhaps justification - but Cas placed a finger to the hunter's lips. 

"It's _not_ ," he repeated softly and hit Dean with that serious look again. "Don't say that." His tone was even and tender, yet firm. 

Between that and the grace and the hat - Dean just blushed viciously and smiled radiantly in a lust-drunk haze at this angel above him instead of arguing. He kissed Cas's fingertips softly, still beaming up at him.

Cas smiled in satisfaction at winning the argument and moved his hand from Dean's lip to cupping his face softly. 

"Now, I want you to stop talking and just enjoy this. Let me make you feel good, I've missed that," he crooned softly. "Um, partner," Cas added as an afterthought. 

His demands were not as firm tonight, but Dean was eager to comply nonetheless, still wearing a playful, eager smirk and restlessly letting his hands roam all over the firm, tanned body of his lover.

Cas lifted himself up and Dean eagerly grabbed himself, lining his achingly hard cock up to the hot slickness of Cas's hole. 

"Oh fucking _fuck-_!" Dean choked out eloquently as Cas slammed down on him, taking his full length all at once. Dean was paralyzed by the shock and sensation for a moment, and when he opened his eyes after they involuntarily closed, Cas was smirking down at him. 

"Dude...Cas," Dean panted, completely smitten and stupefied, grinning like a fool. 

"I'm an angel. You cannot hurt me. I've told you this. Now, shh," he said, and began moving in a sensuous rolling arc.

Dean lifted his knees for a better angle, and Cas instantly hooked his ankles beneath them. Dean adored those moments when the angel just knew what to do, what felt right. The foreplay and the pillow talk could be kind of awkward at times with Cas, but when it came down to it, he knew what to do. These times where Cas wasn't thinking, he was just natural and loose and seeking what felt right, these were special and they were only for Dean. And knowing he had that connection, that natural instinct with Cas and no one else did thrilled the hunter.

Dean moved perfectly with Cas, trying desperately to keep his eyes open, trying to soak in the visual of the man moving exquisitely on top of him. The hat was really doing it for him, inviting mental visuals of ropes and sweaty sex in a dirty barn and Cas naked except his hat in the sunshine, wings spread out fully. He'd always had a pretty vivid imagination during sex, but Dean thought even as great as all those thoughts were that nothing could top the actual visual he was beholding. Cas was fucking hot.

Dean couldn't stop grabbing the angem, running his hands over his thighs and ass over and over, bucking into him as much as Cas would allow. Every time the hunter uttered a sound or moan, he saw Cas's eyes taking him in from under the brim of the hat a little harder, saw the muscle in his jaw clench just a bit tighter. 

"You're so loud," Cas growled, "I crave these sounds you make for me." The angel leaned forward, bracing himself on Dean's shoulders. 

"Yeah, Cas," he panted in encouragement, squirming with delight under the pressure.

The hat tipped forward on Cas's head. Dean reached up and straightened it, pausing to touch the angel's face softly before grasping his biceps instead.

"Yeehaw," Cas attempted awkwardly, panting. Dean barked out a laugh but it was stifled into a moan as Cas shifted into more dramatic, long motions, spearing himself on Dean's cock again and again. 

"Fuck, Cas," Dean whimpered. 

Cas made a low humming sound in his throat that made Dean shiver. He was looking deep into the hunter's eyes again. "I missed this, being close to you," Dean found himself saying as he panted. 

_Oops. Slipping into sensitive territory there, Winchester. Watch it,_ he scolded himself. He was talking about the long soul-searching gazes, and he knew Cas was aware of that. 

"I missed you too," Cas breathed, still holding his gaze, then slamming down as Dean bucked his hips into him, making them both groan low and rough. The hat slipped once more and Cas reached to hold it in place with one hand but not stopping his deep, intense motions.

That image did it for Dean. "Oh, _fuck_ , man," he rattled, squeezing his eyes shut to stop himself before he tipped over the edge into climax. He was close and couldn't last much longer with this gorgeous man looking blissed out in a genuine cowboy hat fucking himself ruthlessly on his cock. 

Dean thought it was sort of cheating, but he was absolutely _not_ going to come first when he was inside Cas. He grabbed Castiel's rock hard dick and began jerking him in time with their motions. The angel moaned loudly at that and finally closed his eyes, grasping the hat and throwing his head back. 

"Yes, Cas, _yes_ ," Dean chanted, knowing he was close. 

"Dean," Cas groaned out loud and long.

"Yeah, honey, that's it," he urged, eager to watch his angel come. He knew the pet names got Cas all sorts of hot for some reason.

Castiel's rolling motion became slower and his rhythm faltered. 

"Come, Cas, come," Dean was saying loudly, thanking his lucky stars for all the warding because they definitely put it to the test. Cas made a strangled sound and threw the hat across the room.

Dean watched in awe as the light of the grace filled the room, air whipping around like it was about to storm. Cas suddenly glowed so brightly with the pure celestial light that Dean couldn't make out anything but the iridescent colors reflecting off his dark wings. He felt the hot mess of come splattering his stomach.

Dean bucked into his angel once more, staying deep inside him as he groaned with his release. Cas was still glowing but the holy light was slowly receding, leaving him panting and watching with ardor in his eyes as his righteous man spasmed below him. The angel rocked sweetly for Dean to carry him through, sighing tenderly. 

"So beautiful. You're so real when you do that," the angel muttered softly, stroking a hand over Dean's chest. 

The hunter laughed. "I don't think I'd have a very good chance of faking it."

Cas adjusted so they could uncouple but instead of collapsing beside Dean as usual, he waved a hand to clean them up and continued straddling him.

"Not that. I just mean… your soul. It's unguarded. I can see it so clearly when you…"

"Mmm, I think I get it. When you splooge your grace is all unguarded too and _boom_ , there's light everywhere and your wings look so cool and it's awesome. I guess it's the same for my soul."

"'Splooge'?"

Dean snickered. It felt very amusing to hear an angel of the lord say that. "Um, come. Orgasm."

"That's a funny word."

Dean shrugged. "Guess so. Hey, not that I'm complaining, but are you likin' the view from up there handsome, or what?" He rested his hands on Cas's ass, giving a soft squeeze.

Cas nodded. "You do look especially stunning below me."

Dean felt all the air rush out of his lungs. "Oh sweet Jesus Cas, do not get me started up again," Dean laughed. 

Cas just gave him the look, the cocked eyebrow look. "Do you think you could? Get started up again?" He asked curiously. 

Dean blushed. "Pretty sure you have me totally spent, man."

"That's a shame."

"Yeah. It is kinda bullshit. Sorry."

Cas shrugged with a slight smirk. After a moment, he looked away thoughtfully. When he looked back at his lover, he said "Can I ask you something, Dean?"

"Shoot."

"May I stay with you tonight? Or are we still… fighting?" 

"I think we're done fighting. That's not like any fight I've ever had, how 'bout you?" Dean chuckled. "And yeah, of course you can, if that's what you want. If it was up to me you'd be with me every night. I told you, this sort of fight doesn't work like that anyway, you rebuild trust over time and if you don't spend time around me we can't do that. And... I missed you." 

Cas smiled and finally dismounted the hunter and scooped him into a cuddling embrace from behind. 

"You always make me the little spoon," Dean complained.

"I would let you be the big spoon."

"Oh yeah?"

"...If you fought me for it and won."

Dean sighed. "You would just tickle me into submission. Angels aren't ticklish. It's not fair."

Cas chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"I just think it's amusing that you think I have to tickle you to get you to submit to me. I don't have to do anything."

"Hey! That's bullshit!"

"Is it?"

"No, don't do that, 'is it' crap to me, you know that's not true. I mean, if I _really_ wanted to, I could kick your ass. I killed Hitler!"

"No, you could not. Not without assistance or advanced tools or weaponry. Hand to hand, one on one I'd beat you with no effort," Cas said coolly, then crooned as he added, "Lucky for you that's the last thing on my mind when I see you."

Dean pouted playfully but shimmied in closer.

"Do you want to know why I'm really always the big spoon?" Cas asked, voice calm but amused.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact I do," Dean sassed.

Cas said nothing at first but lifted a wing and curled it around Dean like a blanket. "Two reasons. First, so I can do that. Second, you couldn't get your arms around me due to my wings. They're quite large."

Dean snuggled into the warmth of the feathers, closing his eyes with a smile. "Okay. You win," he said reluctantly, stroking the feathers softly and taking in the scent and feeling content.

"I know," Cas said evenly.

\----------------------------------------------------

As time passed, the couple reconciled - over and over, as well as very often, to Sam's chagrin. He'd caught them locking lips passionately on the war room table three times the week after they made up.

"I expected this from Dean, but for God's sake Cas, show some self-restraint!"

Cas just shrugged. "He's very attractive, Sam. Self-restraint is difficult to come by in his presence."

And of course, the younger Winchester made them go through another lecture on boundaries. 

Dean looked bored the entire time, while Cas looked mostly ambivalent, though he did nod periodically. 

"We just made up after - what was it Cas?"

"Nineteen days."

" _Nineteen days_ , Sammy! Nineteen! Not to mention the years of build-up." Dean shot a frisky grin at Cas.

Sam was not amused. At least they had still been clothed. Mostly. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Dean quietly slipped into his room alone one night not long after Sammy's impromptu lecture series. He locked the door and nervously dialed three digits on his phone. 

"Hello, dearie! Long time no chat! To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Hey there, Rowena. I wondered if we could arrange a little get together."

"Well, we could always chat here in my queendom over a spot of tea. I don't spend much time topside these days when I have adoring subjects to serve my every whim down here."

"That works. Arrange the transport for me, Ro? I need a favor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! Dean was stressed after that fight and having to use his (fanon) communication skills so much and so was I - so they had a sillier romp than usual. Hopefully, that is okay with you guys - I thought it was fun, at least it was to write!
> 
> Also, I have to give credit to the NSFW art, Sweet Rides, from Winchester Reload (Jackie Dee) as inspiration for the damn cowboy hat. Check it out on her Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/day-10-sweet-42601471?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copy_to_clipboard&utm_campaign=postshare.  
> I switched the roles so it wouldn't be a total rip off of their art and it would better fit the vibe of the chapter, but I saw that piece on their page and I was like "oh, yeah, I gotta make Cas put on that hat he gave Dean". There was just no question in my mind! You should check out her other stuff as well. Lovely stuff, all of it.
> 
> If you are still in a holiday mood, I made a VERY SILLY holiday one-shot: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28290858 =] I just really wanted happy Team Free Will 2.0 and co and mistletoe kisses!
> 
> OH! Here is the list of songs Cas put in that tragic awful mixtape:  
> 1\. Back to December- Taylor Swift  
> 2\. The Apologist - REM  
> 3\. Next to Me - Imagine Dragons  
> 4\. Same Mistake - James Blunt  
> 5\. The Reason - Hoobastank  
> 6\. Fix You - Coldplay  
> 7\. So Sorry - Feist  
> 8\. Greater Than All My Regrets - Tenth Avenue North  
> 9\. Sorry - Justin Bieber  
> 10\. If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher  
> 11\. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor  
> 12\. All of Me - John Legend  
> 13\. I'm No Angel - Dido
> 
> Dean will absolutely hate it, but he'll cherish it forever because Cas made it. I'm considering a one shot about them talking about the tape and why he chose each song.
> 
> Note: there is another short work in this series, "Holiday Interlude" that occurs between this chapter and the next if you would like to read that! It's optional, but it's fun.


	11. Ch 11 - Love Always Protects, But I'm Not A China Doll, Dammit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean meets with an old friend for his favor. Dean gives Sam some brotherly hell after they have a successful hunt. Dean and Cas have a tender moment of real emotional vulnerability and overcoming old (emotional) demons for Dean, born out of a disagreement about the appropriateness of eating in bed. Dean and Cas have a special moment in the garden. Dean asks to see Castiel's true form. Dean tells Sam a secret. The author is still bad at summaries, which is why they have to copy and paste in the main summary because they literally have never said anything interesting in the summary and should probably give it up. It's not required, after all.
> 
> CW//talk of John Winchester's A+ parenting  
> & dealing with internalized homophobia (lightly)  
> This does not get *too* heavy, but Dean remembers not being enough for John and talks about how unfair his expectations were and how this made him feel. This is in the tags, but it hasn't come up yet so I wanted to issue a reminder. <3 Love to you all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: there is an (optional) oneshot titled "Holiday Interlude" that occurs between this chapter and last. <3 
> 
> Hey all, not to be a total bummer, but I know this is a difficult time for America. If you're turning to fiction (like I have, as you will see from this EXCESSIVELY long chapter, holy shit) to get your mind off of things, I get it. I thought maybe we could turn to fiction AND make a difference. I am filling prompts for charity - check out my post here on Tumblr for details: 
> 
> https://minxyone93.tumblr.com/post/639622061473644544/accepting-destiel-one-shot-prompts-in-exchange-for
> 
> If you can't donate, please don't feel any pressure. I know this is tough. My hearts are with all of you. This has been a very rough few days mental health-wise for me, and I know so many others in the same situation. That's why this chapter got SO UNGODLY LONG (I'm so sorry lmao, I literally needed to).
> 
> GUYS I JUST NEED TO TELL YOU THAT THIS IS THE MOST SELF-INDULGENT WORK EVER WRITTEN, BUT THIS CHAPTER REALLY PUTS THE SELF-INDULGENT ICING ON THE SELF-INDULGENT CAKE so please just be aware of that. I think it's pretty good, but I'm aware that it is wildly long and over descriptive. I love you all and hope you can forgive me for that and my constant run-on sentences!

Dean strode into Rowena's throne room, just a little dubious. He whistled at the ornate sight laid before him, and in the center of it all was a small table at which Rowena was sitting and two tiny teacups. 

"Really? You actually set up tea? Uh… I exactly ain't the tea time type."

She scowled. "How rude. Not that I'm surprised. Ah, well." She snapped at some sulky looking demon. "Take it away, Roland." She said, gesturing grandly at the delicate teacup set across from her.

"Well, come and sit at least." She said impatiently to Dean, gesturing at the seat across from her. 

"Place looks, uh… real good. You've made some big changes," Dean said, looking around the throne room. "It looks a lot less, uh… hellish." The room was draped in red, white, and gold. A huge self-portrait hung above her blood-red velvet throne.

"Yes, I've redesigned things. Do you like the marble? So much nicer than the nasty shale and brimstone, yes? It was so dark and unpleasant before. And if it's dark, how can my followers admire my charming visage?" she said, dramatically framing her face with her hands. She smiled, a twinkle in her eyes. 

"But, my sweet boy, that's not why you're here, is it? Tell me, what's got your panties in a knot?"

Dean's eyes went a little wide for a moment before he chuckled. "Uh, nothing big. Little magic is all I need," he said with a suddenly sheepish grin. "Uh, you might need a little catching up. You see, um, Cas and me -... well we're _together_ ," he said, giving her a pointed look, trying to make his meaning clear. 

Rowena's eyes went wide with delight and surprise. "Oh my," she squealed, "About time! How long?"

Dean made an incredulous face. "Could someone _please_ act surprised?! _I_ was surprised! _He_ was surprised!"

Rowena chuckled. "Why, I _am_ surprised, dearie! Surprised it took the two of you so long!"

Dean shot her a dirty look, but sighed after a moment, shaking his head. "Well, we've been, uh...together a few months now. Uh… shit," he muttered, counting on his fingers silently for a moment, "like, six months. Wow." He said, absently surprised. 

" _Six months_? Six months and not one of you oafs thought to tell me? I'm not surprised about you or the angel failing to mention, but I would have thought _Samuel_ would have kept me informed at the very least!" She chided with a nettled expression.

"Uh, sorry," Dean muttered. 

Rowena made a dismissive gesture. "So, tell me. Is he as charming out of the trench coat as he is in it?" She purred. "Very handsome catch you have."

"Uhhhh. Yeah, he's pretty good lookin'," Dean said with a bashful grin, awkwardly gripping the back of his neck.

"And I bet with those grace powered muscles he can really-,"

"Yeah! Yes, he's very strong and it's awesome, but, uh, that's not why I'm here," he squawked indignantly - but with a sheepish grin. "Well, not _exactly_ why I'm here, anyway..." he added in a mutter.

Rowena sighed. "Fine. I supposed I'll just have to reach out to Tweety directly. He'll give me all the tasty gossip I need. He's not as shy as you are. Which is amusing to me, since you always pretend not to be, but I digress," she said, rolling her eyes with a mischievous smile. "So, tell me. Why are you here then?"

Dean blushed and his face became serious. He leaned in close, eyeing the demon minions at the side of the room. "Why don't you tell those guys to scram first?" He muttered.

"Hmm, alright then." She tapped twice, looking disinterested. "Ten-minute break, boys. Don't dawdle!" She shouted. 

Once they filed out of the room, she looked at him. "Alright. Say what's on your mind," she said, peering curiously at him, the playful tone gone.

"I...um. well, okay, here's the thing. I wanna be real close to him. As close as you can get. And there's a whole side of him I can't know," Dean said, fidgeting. 

Rowena shook her head, not understanding. "So? What do you want?"

Dean sighed. "I...wanna see his true form. Without kicking the can or having my eyes burnt out or making me lose my marbles or… whatever angel mojo crap might happen. Is there a spell you know that can do that?"

She looked at him blankly for a moment, blinking slowly. Then she threw her head back, cackling. "Some things never change. You're still an idiot," she said in an abrupt peal of laughter.

"Hey!" Dean said, shocked and offended. 

"You don't need a grand dramatic spell, my poor boy. You already know what you need to do. You've done it before, at least that's what Fergus said. Just a wee dab of holy oil on a pair o' glasses, love! And a teeny incantation."

"Oh. I thought they only worked for hell hounds, though," he said with a puzzled expression.

"That's what the incantation is for, silly. A slight modification. You know I love a good complicated, dramatic spell, but of course, sometimes simpler is better. And," she said, looking Dean up and down slowly, "I see something different in you. Something more."

Dean hesitated, for a moment. "It's grace. Just a little." Dean breathed nervously. He was aware that he probably shouldn't tell Rowena that, but then again, things were simpler these days and Rowena had literally plummeted to hell to save the world, so why the fuck not?

"Ah, yes," she hissed excitedly, "Your bond!"

Dean threw out his hands in an exasperated gesture. " _None_ of this is surprising to anyone? Not even the grace?"

"No, it makes perfect sense if you know your magical theory. Your strong emotion - and other, shall we say, _activities_ \- woke what lay dormant within you. A question though - what happened to him in return? A bond goes two ways,” she said, tilting her head downward with a curious look.

Dean wasn't going to tell her about Castiel's soul. That would leave him too vulnerable if that information should get in the wrong hands. 

"Hmm. I don't know. Cas just saw a little bit of grace in me."

"Can you see the wee birdie's wings, then?" She asked, leaning forward with bright eyes. 

"Um, yeah. They're cool," he said shyly, "kinda...beautiful, actually," he muttered.

"Och, so smitten. How sweet. It warms the cockles of even my wicked, bitter heart, truly. About damned time, too!" She said, clasping her hands over her heart, eyes fluttering in a stagy display that made Dean roll his eyes and chuckle softly. 

"What was it though, after six months, that made you want to see his true form so badly? I'm curious. And if you won't give me any juicy tidbits, at least give me that," she pouted. 

Dean had a cautious, uncertain expression. He wasn't sure what broke him, what made Rowena Queen of Hell the person he decided to disclose this to, but after a few moments, he began to speak. "Well… he can see my soul and my body, right? I wanna know him the same way. I've been thinking about doing this for a while, but in a way, I've never actually seen him. I want to see my partner, really see him, as he sees me."

Rowena exhaled deeply, raising her eyebrows slightly and shaking her head. "Oh, that's interesting… not wise, but interesting," she said, raising her eyebrows in a dubious look, which Dean only responded to with a slight scowl.

"Well, let's get you that incantation and get you back topside before your boyfriend gets to missing your pretty face, my dear. Although, I'm not sure you'll need the glasses at all. If you can see his wings and that, I doubt you'll need any extra tools to handle it." 

Dean scoffed. "That's what I said! I told him that too!" 

"Well, be that as it may, he's right - safety first and all. Hard to test the theory without hazards," she said. She primly straightened up and then clapped. 

A somber demon appeared in seconds. "Yes, my Queen?"

"Bring me my stationary, Silas." She said smoothly. After he scampered off, she looked at Dean with a giddy grin. "I get a thrill inside that I can do that. I still say I should have died sooner. So much power, so many subjects to tend to me."

"You're such a control freak," he chuckled. 

Rowena gave him a sharp look. "I'm thinking you like that in a partner, hmm?"

Dean blushed but went stone-faced. "I don't know what you're talking about, Rowena."

She scoffed and arched an eyebrow at him. "You poor, sheltered boy." 

Silas returned with her pen and paper, ornate and covered in shimmering red and polished gold filigree. With ridiculous flair and flamboyant penmanship, she wrote the incantation.

Dean recited slowly, looking at her. "Latin. That works. Nothing too tricky. Kinda long though."

"This is a very short incantation, don't be daft. And I told you, you already know most of what you need. If you want to give it an extra wee boost of protection, I suppose you could etch or draw… this sigil on the frame somewhere." She carefully drew an Enochian sigil Dean didn't think he'd seen before.

"And, to be on the safe side, I want you to mix into the holy oil...oh, let's add the essence of cedar and essence of cyclamen. One drop each," she said, carefully writing it on the bottom of the paper. "And three laurel leaves. Let it sit in the sun for three days, but bring it in before the moon comes out."

She folded the paper neatly and gave a warm smile as she handed it to Dean, patting the back of his hand. "Off you go, then, dearie. Tell the handsome angel auntie Rowena said hell,” she purred with a beaming smile.

He turned to go, but before he passed the golden bust of Rowena by the ornate exit, he looked back. "Thanks. Really," he said, holding the folded paper between his fingers and smiling.

\----------------------------------------------------

Dean decided to sit on that information for a while. He wasn't sure Cas was going to be happy he was pushing to see his true form again. For a while, he just picked quiet moments to slip away from the bunker to find a pair of glasses. Another moment was stolen to cure them with holy fire. Another time when Cas was out doing his miracles and going on a flight, Dean found time to painstakingly, cautiously scratch the sigil into a wider spot on each arm of the glasses. 

He shoved them in a little box under his bed no one knew about, carefully folding the paper containing the incantation inside the case he got for them, because he planned to use them again and again if at all possible. He had a feeling it was going to be special. He wasn't sure why he craved this so bad, but ever since he found out about the oil glands and the way it sometimes made angels expose their true forms, he had not been able to shake it from his mind. 

Still, he didn't want to push Cas. He seemed guarded and concerned about it when they spoke in the garden, and the couple of times Dean had tried to get frisky with the oil glands for even a second too long he got a nasty look. Which was fair, he supposed, but he really thought he could handle it and he was frankly a little insulted that Cas didn't have any more faith in him than that.

\----------------------------------------------------

Sam and Dean staggered back into the bunker. It had been their first hunt in some time - not because they needed to go but because Dean begged to do it because he was antsy and bored. They had taken out a vamp nest. There was just something so unsettling about them, and the way movies fetishized them made him nauseous. People wouldn't like to see how vamps really were - a ruthless mass of teeth. They were just vicious, crazy bastards. Nothing romantic about that. 

Still, the hunt had gone well. Dean had lobbed a few heads off with his machete handily ("It's like riding a bike, Sammy," he'd called to his brother, grinning eagerly) and Sam had freed the future vamp chow - a couple of little kids ‐ and taken down one himself. The brothers cleared the rest out pretty quickly. It was cathartic for Dean, familiar, and ending some vampires was satisfying. They got the victims to safety and drove back home.

Dean was physically exhausted after the long drive, but he was mentally pumped up. He hadn't felt right lately. He needed something to do. Answering a couple of phone calls each day and helping Sam find cases just to hand off to someone else didn't thrill him the way it did Sam. He felt like he'd done something useful tonight, something good and worthwhile. He hadn't felt like that about much recently. 

They hit the showers, grateful for the large, separated shower stalls that enabled them to have long hot showers at the same time but with more privacy than they had even been afforded growing up.

Afterward, Sam waved at his brother, yawning. "G'night, Dean."

"Turning in already? I was thinking of a midnight snack. Well, it's like eight, but it feels like midnight. I guess I'm actually pretty tired too."

"Well, I'm heading to my room - we got home early enough Eileen wants to Skype."

Dean gave him a mischievous look. "Sammy! Cyber action, huh? Go get her, then!" he called, giving a low whistle. 

"Shut up. It's a normal call." Sam blushed and looked away sharply.

"Normal, sure," Dean playfully. 

Truthfully he was aware that his brother's interactions with Eileen were somewhere between the puritanical wholesomeness Sam projected them to be and as dirty as Dean pretended they were, but it got Sam all flustered and pissy when he teased him about it, which Dean found funny. 

Sam just sighed and crossed his arms.

Dean shot him a knowing look."When are you going to give her that little pink teddy, huh?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "I got her a nice knife and a watch. You know that. Her birthday's in a little over a month. I'll make a trip and give it to her then."

Dean lifted an eyebrow. "Yeah, I was there when you got the knife and watch. But then you picked up a package from the PO box the other day from Victoria's Secret. I _assume_ that wasn't for you. But hey, I don't judge," he said with a cocky grin, lifting his hands in mock indifference.

Sam blushed fiercely, his eyes wide. He shifted after a moment of silence to give Dean a withering, bitchy look. "Shut up, jerk! How did you even know? You know what? Nevermind. Just - you - ugh, good night." He turned dramatically, long hair bouncing along behind him, and walked angrily to his room, leaving Dean cackling in the hallway.

When Dean stopped laughing and made his way to his own room, he was pleased to find a naked angel laid out on his bed. 

Cas was reading a book and nibbling on honey-roasted peanuts. 

"Hey! Why are you eating in my bed?"

Cas gave Dean a disinterested look. "You do it."

Dean ignored the reply. "You're getting peanuts in my bed!"

Cas just stared him down as he ate another peanut from the large can on the bedside table. "I like them," he said. It felt like a challenge.

But Dean just sighed, rolling his eyes. "I guess there's worse things I could come home to than my awesome partner waiting naked in my bed, peanuts be damned. At least you're here. Wasn't sure you would be."

"I got here a few minutes before you did," the angel said, looking back at his book.

"Tired of answering prayers?"

"No, of course not. I just got tired of being without _you_ ," Cas said, looking back at his book and chewing on more peanuts.

"How many of those have you eaten?" Dean asked, stripping casually and putting his go-bag away.

"Hmm, I'm not sure. Perhaps two or three."

"Two or three…?"

"Cans."

Dean blinked at him, eyes wide. "Cas, that's a lot of goddamned peanuts."

He gave Dean a blank look. "They're good. Since Jack gave me the ability to taste, I find it very enjoyable to snack."

Dean chuckled and shook his head, folding his clothes neatly. 

"Yeah, that was a sweet Christmas gift," he murmured with a wistful smile. 

He missed the kid. He'd been praying to him just to chat lately. He was always amazed at how good it could be to talk to him. It felt weird to talk with him without a vessel around to look at, but not as weird as he'd thought it would be. And Sam was right - he was still Jack. The kid still wanted to talk about astronomy and Riverdale and all that sort of stuff. The idea of God watching TV was hilarious to Dean, but then again, Chuck laid around in his underwear writing creepy, prophetic novels about him and Sam, so… Jack was an improvement on multiple levels. 

_Ugh_ , Dean thought absently with a grimace. _Chuck was such a freaky little dude. No wonder the bible had so much weird shit in it_. 

Dean put that out of his mind forcefully, then he turned back to Cas, spread out gracefully on his bed.

_He looks like a fucking renaissance painting,_ Dean thought. _A sexy renaissance painting._

Castiel's wings always looked a little cramped when he laid on the bed, though. Dean wondered how it felt to lay there all night, holding him, without being able to get a good stretch in.

"You know, I was wondering - d'you think we should get a bigger bed? Or just bring your bed in here and smash 'em together?" He came over and sat next to Cas on the bed, sliding a hand down the angel's thigh.

"Why? This bed works well, doesn't it? I don't think there's enough room for two full beds in here, in any case."

"Well sure, but you know. More room, we could spread out."

Dean was a little irritated that Cas hadn't yet put the book down. "I don't want you to 'spread out'. I want you right next to me." He said these sweet things so nonchalantly. 

"But there would be more room for your wings. More room to get rowdy too," Dean countered with an inviting grin.

"My wings are fine. And I think the point of the 'rowdy' interactions you're referring to is to be... very, very close to one another. There's no need for more space," Cas said, not looking up as he turned the page, but arching an eyebrow.

Dean grumbled and settled next to the angel, who closed up the can of peanuts and graced away all the crumbs and sticky residue. 

"Are you tired?" Castiel asked very casually, fiddling with his bookmark but still not putting the book away.

"That depends," Dean said, voice dropping low. "If you mean too tired to appreciate the naked angel on my bed, no, I don't think so." He grinned, flashing his teeth wickedly.

Cas gently put the book down, finally making eye contact with Dean, a soft smile on his face. "I was hoping you'd say that," he sighed, grasping Dean's neck and pulling the hunter toward him, then kissing him sweet and tender.

Dean slowly laid himself over the angel. "Let's be lazy. A nice lazy, cozy fuck," Dean mumbled in a languorous tone, eyes closed as he smiled and nipped softly at Cas's lower lip, letting a hand drop to playfully tease his lover's nipple. Castiel hummed at the touch.

"That sounds nice. Have we done that before? I don't believe we have."

"Hmm… no, I don't think so. We're usually pretty, uh, energetic. You know, there's a lot of things we haven't done, actually," he said, thinking for a moment about all the ways he hadn't yet corrupted his angel. "Hey, did you realize we've been together like six _months_ now?"

"Mmhmm, six months, three weeks, and two days," Cas said softly. 

"Who needs a Rolex when they have you?" Dean chuckled, planting kisses along the angel’s jaw, delighting in the rough stubble against his lips.

Cas didn't say anything at first, he just softly stroked the hunter's skin up and down his sides, pausing one hand over a barely perceptible scar. Dean didn't seem to complain when he did, but Cas couldn't help but heal up old scars as he came across them, leaving Dean's skin smooth and completely unblemished. 

"It feels so strange that six months even means anything to me," Cas said in a hushed tone, focusing deeply on the feeling of his vessel's hand dragging across the body of the hunter, "I'm older than your planet. Six months isn't even a breath of time in terms of the age of the universe. I've watched stars be born and die whole civilizations rise and fall and it was to me like a day is to you." He looked up at Dean with an earnest, open-hearted expression. Cas cupped Dean's face and looked deeply into his eyes. 

Dean saw a softness, but also a soft sadness in the depths of his angel's ocean eyes. Something clicked for the hunter right then and there, but Castiel had more to say.

"Dean… these years I've spent with you, even before the past six months, even thinking I could never have you like this… they've been more beautiful and more meaningful and more real than any other years in all my existence. In a way, meeting you was like the true beginning of my life," he said quietly, his breath slowly chasing the words out of his mouth, planting light kisses all over the hunter's face, neck, jaw, and at the corner of his mouth between words.

Cas liked to place kisses there because the corner of Dean's mouth on the left side was where all his smiles started, just a microsecond before the rest of his face would burst into a grin or beaming smile. A human would never see it - the moment was too minuscule to be perceived by them - but Cas always did. Always had.

"I love you, Dean. I just needed to remind you of that," Cas said still looking at the hunter with reverent adoration. Every tiny kiss Cas gave was like a loving prayer being embedded onto Dean's skin.

Dean wanted to smile and make some deflective joke. He wanted to ignore the magnitude of the words Cas just spoke to him. He wanted to squirm out of his skin. Dean wanted to keep talking about insignificant things like getting a bigger bed or yell at him playfully to stop eating peanuts on the clean sheets. He wasn't good at these deeply emotional moments. They frightened him, and Cas was patient and understood that about him.

But even more than the fear and discomfort, Dean felt there would be anguish from the words that would be left unspoken if he let that moment go by. Now he was thinking, really deeply thinking, for the first time what things would be like for Cas when his own mortal life was over. No wonder Cas was so liberal with the praise and affection and "I love you"s. He was soaking up every microscopic moment of his time with Dean. He had waited for eons to live and now he had just basically revealed how short what time they had together was to him. For Dean it may be the rest of his life, but what about Cas?

And that made him grasp Cas's face and gaze at him with a suddenly serious expression. 

"What's wrong?" Cas asked gently, brow furrowing. 

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong - for once in my life Cas, everything is right. I… well I wanna say something," he said, blinking away the sting in his eyes. 

"Yes?" Cas asked softly. 

"I love you too," Dean said, forcing as much emphasis and emotion into it as he could, willing the intensity of his gaze to burn through and show Cas how deeply he meant that.

"And I know I'm just a human. I haven't watched stars die or worlds form or anything crazy or cosmic like that, but I feel like I've finally learned to be more than just a… tool or a pawn or whatever someone else needed from me since I met you. _Because_ of you. And, uh… God, you know I'm not good at this stuff, Cas. I know I'm not. I want to say something big and poetic, but we both know that ain't me. But these last six months, three weeks and ten days - "

"Two days," Cas corrected lightly with a dazed, cherishing look. Dean chuckled, wiping his eyes.

"Fine, and _two_ days… man, they've meant so much to me. _Everything_ to me. I wanna… Cas I wanna be with you forever. I know we've said that before kinda, but… fuck, I've never said that to anyone else. I've never even wanted that with anyone else. You know you're special, right? You know I-I love you?" Dean stuttered, eyes glistening and bright.

The angel tenderly smiled, but Dean could sense a delicate pain behind it. Castiel breathed softly, touching Dean's face. "I know. Yes. You show me constantly. I know. Do you?"

Dean just nodded. "You show me too. If you didn't love me there's no way you'd hang around now that you got your wings back. You could be out doing miracles and Heavenly shit. Instead, you hang out with me, just a boring ass human, and get peanut crumbs in my bed-,"

"I didn't get crumbs in your bed, I used grace -," he started indignantly. 

"That's not the point, Cas. The point is that you come live with me. _Me!_ In my...weird old underground house. You're an _angel_ , man. You could be anywhere in the _universe_ right now and you crawled into some creepy old place hidden in the dirt in Kansas with me."

Cas's face softened. "I like your... 'creepy old home in the dirt'. It's safe and efficient. Mostly though, I like _you_. I don't care if you live in the bunker or a motel or in the woods or somewhere worlds away. _You're_ my home now, Dean. I will go with you wherever you go. For as long as you'll have me." Cas said with the sort of crooked grin with his brow slightly furrowed and the soft, matter of fact tone he got when he was taken aback.

"I'll have you as long as you'll have me too. Forever," the hunter said with a shy, tender smile.

"That… that would be a very long time. You keep saying 'forever'. Are you sure you can handle that? I'll never stop loving you, I can assure you of that. But for you... Forever is a lot longer than you think." Cas said the words in a lighthearted way, but Dean could see again, there was something deeper behind his veil of a smile.

Dean breathed in deeply, preparing himself to say this. His exhale shuddered just like the rest of his body began to. 

_It's Cas. It's Cas, just Cas, and you're alone, and he deserves to hear it. Man up, Winchester,_ he scolded himself.

Dean took a deep breath and looked meaningfully at his partner. "Yeah, Cas. I'm sure. Forever. I'm not fuckin' around. I'm gonna die, that's how being mortal works," he said softly, watching Cas flinch at the words and tears well in his eyes, "And when I die, you go on and live your long angelic ass life and do your miracles. But visit me whenever you wanna, as often as you want. Everyday. Twice a day, even. I'll wait for you. Then when you finally kick the bucket, probably doing something crazy and heroic miracle shit, you come to find me in Heaven and… and just be with me for the rest of forever. 'Cause, it won't be heaven for me without you. I need you. I fucking love you, Cas." 

Dean felt his heartbeat thudding away violently, and the breaths he was taking felt weak and insufficient to combat the spinning feeling in his head. Cas was looking at him in a really deep contemplative way that made his stomach turn when -

_Oh no,_ Dean thought as Cas covered his face with his hands and began suddenly, quietly sobbing. _What the fuck did I do?_ Of all the reactions he'd imagined, this was not on the list.

Dean panicked. "I… I'm sorry, Cas. If that's not what you want too, you… you don't have to -," Dean spluttered, urgently stroking the angel’s shoulders to soothe him. 

Cas smiled fleetingly through the tears, although Dean couldn’t see it through his hands. "Dean, please - shut the hell up," he said breathlessly chuckling between sobs. "You've made me very happy."

"You're crying like _this_ because you're _happy_? Man, there's happy tears, but Jesus, this is another level."

Castiel's sobbing slowed. Dean was still on top of him, but he had shifted his weight to his arms. Dean pressed soft kisses onto Cas's tear lacquered cheeks and jaw, the hunter's lips now covered in the salty wetness. 

"Oh, Cas…" he uttered softly, unsure of what else to say. Dean just gently caressed his lover's face until he seemed to calm a bit, dipping down to lay soft, small kisses on his face from time to time. 

"I'm sorry I alarmed you," Cas said after a while, crying softly even as he smiled, but no longer sobbing. "It took me a bit by surprise too. I did not _mean_ to cry... I just _felt_ so much it… happened. I think sometimes I know more what to do with your feelings than I do my own," he said with a soft huff of laughter. "I am… overjoyed beyond measure by what you said, Dean. That was better than any poem or speech. What you said was perfect. And yes, I'll stay with you. Here or in Heaven. Always."

"Well, good. That's good," Dean said, feeling happy tears threatening to form in his own eyes, wishing he knew something better to say. He dipped down and wiped the tears from his angel's face, taking in his features and drinking in this moment. 

Dean dragged the bridge of his nose slowly down Cas's, letting his eyes flutter closed. He softly let his lips ghost over the angel's in a barely-there contact so light it had no right to be as electric as it was. He breathed softly into the small space between them. He let a thumb drag across Castiel's still damp cheek, taking in the cut of his cheekbones. 

Dean realized then that while he didn't know what to say or how to gift Cas the elegant prose he wished he could think of to express exactly what he needed him to hear in some lovely, flourishing way, he did know just what to _do_.

They weren't going to have a lazy fuck tonight. Or the usual enthusiastic, horny romps they had, where yes, it may be driven by love but it had an intensity powered by the long years of unsatisfied pining and quietly lusting after one another. Cas was tender when they were intimate most times, but there was definitely more of an insatiable carnal drive under even that than what he meant to do with Cas now. 

No, tonight he was going to do something special. He was going to make love to this literal angel crying beneath him tonight. Soft, slow, tender. 

"Making love" - those were words he felt sure Cas thought often, but Dean never really thought of what they did together as "making love". It made a part of him cringe inside, but he was tired of that part of him, a part of him that tried to distance himself from what made him genuinely happy. This was also the part of him that always spoke to him in John Winchester's voice and always told him he wasn't man enough.

_Fuck that,_ he thought, pushing that out of his mind angrily. _Fuck all of that. I'm man enough for Cas. I'm man enough for **me**._

He cradled Castiel's face with one hand, looking into his eyes deeply. He'd always loved that, even when he pretended not to back when it made him feel uncomfortable from the raw intimacy. He knew that it meant something even more to Cas. 

Cas looked at him with a vague confusion for a moment. How he wished sometimes that Dean didn't find it so invasive for Cas to be in his mind - but then again, that was part of the allure. The puzzle of Dean Winchester. Wondering what was going on in his head was sort of a thrill Cas never tired of chasing.

Finally, Dean brought his lips gingerly against Castiel’s. At first, he didn’t deepen it, letting the tension hum between their lips for a few moments first. Dean couldn’t think of any reason in the world to rush this. Cas was different tonight, too - he normally took control and impatiently charged into sex even when tender and gentle, but right now he was vulnerable in a completely new way Dean had never had with him before. The hunter was determined to give Cas the same strong security he so often gave to Dean. 

Dean let his tongue softly swipe across the seam of Castiel’s rough, full lips. He felt the angel sigh into it in a slow, easy way, yielding his mouth to Dean. They kissed slowly for what could have been ages. Dean could have forgotten about the whole world in those moments as he soaked in the taste of the angel’s salty-sweet lips, smelled the stormy petrichor of Castiel in the air between them, felt the drag of rough lips and soft tongue that brought him the closest thing he could imagine to faith and exaltation. He could have kissed the celestial creature that lay in his arms forever.

When they finally broke apart, Dean was breathless as he said, “Cas, I want to show you how I feel about you. I wanna love you like you deserve and I wanna take my time and be inside you. I want to give you that.” 

He would normally blush and add a few distracting, colorful words, maybe a joke, or terms he knew Cas didn’t know to deflect the emotion, but now he just felt connected and open and he didn’t care about any of that. He supposed that at least for this one night, he’d left his baggage at the door and just focused on Cas. His angel.

Cas nodded, “Dean,” he breathed in a voice that in that one word spoke volumes of adoration. And that one word was all the hunter needed. For once he didn't try to fill every quiet moment with words. He didn't have to ask to know, for instance, that Cas, yet again, had broken the zero grace foreplay rule and that he was already ready for Dean. He didn't have to say to Cas to spread his knees for him because with the slightest nudge he did it.

There was simply something more here, suddenly. He absently wondered if Cas was reading his mind, but he knew that this was just one of those special moments where things are just right and just so and no words are needing to be spoken because there's a connection. It sounded cheesy, but he didn't care for once, because he'd never had this before and right now there was only one thing in his mind - no doubts, no insecurities, just _Castiel._

He lingered, letting his fingers slide and grip along the angel’s hot, soft skin for a while, but he couldn't resist stroking his wings. These wings were so beautiful, so magical and mysterious. He loved that he was the only one that could see them. It was a secret part of Cas, quite literally, that could only be shared with Dean. 

_All for me_ , he thought. But it was not possessive or insistent, instead, it was an expression of wonderment and awe.

As he stroked the wings with deft, strong hands, right down the alula on either side, soft and slow, but just firm enough, Cas made small appreciative noises. Not desperate in the same way they'd become accustomed to, but in a new way. Craving the physical sensation, yes, but more so the closeness and fragile intimacy that was sweet and real between them at this moment. 

Cas arched into the touch on his wings and Dean couldn't help but grin softly when they twitched involuntarily beneath his hands. He kept raking his fingers carefully through the velvety dark feathers. He gasped when one came away with his hand. 

"Cas, I'm sorry-,"

"No, it's fine. It didn't hurt me, Dean. Keep it. But don't worry about it right now," he said, taking the feather and putting it on the bedside table and craning up to softly kiss Dean before his startled concern broke the feeling and ambiance between them right now. 

Cas often felt like this - adoring, reverent, heart open and ready for the taking - but to have Dean so present and grounded in this moment and experiencing it too, so open and tender, this was new, and he was so delighted to see it. The hunter’s soul was unusually calm, yet shining and brilliant, so radiant and bright and uninhibited that Cas was having trouble even focusing on his lover’s body in some moments. His soul seemed pressed up near the edges of him like it was trying to reach out to Castiel and break free. This was peaceful, vulnerable. And as always, somewhere imperceptible to humans but clear to an angel, his vision of Dean's soul was clearest and brightest within his eyes. Cas thought Dean was absolutely the most beautiful he’d ever been in this moment and he didn’t want to let this slip away over a simple lost feather.

Dean’s eyes had followed the feather to the table, but his focus came back to Cas easily with the warmth and reverence infused within the kiss. Still, he stopped stroking the wings and moved back to Castiel’s chest, gently pressing fingertips in as he let them roam from Cas’s chest back to his shoulders, then to the firm muscles of his arms usually hidden away under the trenchcoat. He let his fingertips linger slowly over Cas’s hips. 

There was a part of Dean that was afraid of this, even now - he felt so exposed in an intimate way that left him vulnerable. The hunter and the child within him that had always had to fend for himself were ringing every alarm bell in his head, but a much louder presence in his mind just said, _This is Cas. Just me and Cas. This is okay._

He slowly lost himself in the angel's warm and loving gaze. But he was not so lost he didn't also slowly guide his erect cock to Castiel's grace-slick hole and press slowly inside, sinking in deep into the wet heat of his lover.

It was so hard for Dean to keep his eyes open, but he knew how important eye contact was to Cas. Dean thought the angel was so lovely, the way he writhed and bucked and moaned sweetly for Dean, his wings occasionally twitching from the reaction to the waves of pleasure rolling through the angel. 

"Dean," he breathed in a soft moan.

He didn't say much else in bed, Dean had noticed. Not in English, anyway. Occasionally he would shout or curse in Enochian, but he never said much of anything but his hunter's name as a means of expressing pleasure that Dean could understand. 

They moved slowly together, the harmonic movements of hips, hands, bodies, in perfect timing. There were no words, no commands or requests, just sweet tandem motion as they made love. Dean pressed soft languorous kisses into Castiel's temples, down the side of his face, lingering a bit with his mouth on the angel's earlobe, and down his neck, leisurely and tender.

Castiel knew usually Dean was loud in bed, and he had the passing thought that he may not be enjoying himself, causing him a moment of worry. This concern was washed away by looking at him. 

_Radiant_. _Beautiful_ , Cas thought, taking in the vision of Dean's soul, pressing itself towards him, but also the hunter's face and his hands and the smooth firm skin and the hard muscles and the bright eyes and the _feeling_ of Dean inside him, filling him with that perfect cock - 

_Yes_ , the angel thought, _beautiful_. 

Cas found his hands on Dean's back, pressing into the muscles there on his shoulder blades. He felt so much right now, bringing his guard down so his vessel could be full of sensations and he could feel the closeness. He gently, leisurely, sucked a light mark on to Dean's neck, which gave him a thrilling burst of pleasure when Dean made a delicate, breathy sound in his ear.

There was no urgency, no rush. They spent as much of the time as possible gazing into one another's eyes. 

It felt like forever in the most gorgeous way, but eventually, the sensation of Dean hitting that delectable bundle of nerves deep inside, and the friction of his cock between their bodies had him panting and moaning. He was getting close. Cas lamented that in a way because he didn’t want this special connection to be over, but he couldn't stop chasing his release.

Dean was delighted with every increasingly urgent sound Cas made. He knew he couldn't make this last much longer - they'd been at it for what felt like ages and had been tired before they'd begun - but he was going to be sad when it was over. He wasn't sure how often or what even triggered this awareness and intimacy and connection with their bond in him, and he was scared he wouldn't be able to let his guard down enough to do it again. This was so different. So _right_. Things were always more intimate and special with Cas, but this was on a completely different level. He didn't think he'd ever felt closer to him than now. 

The roll of their hips never faltered or lost rhythm until that peak, the crescendo of sensation hit them - Cas first, but Dean following less than a heartbeat later with Castiel's name the only word that he spoke as they panted in unison, coming together. 

Normally they would talk afterward. But tonight, Dean simply held Cas with a contented smile, and the angel stayed next to him as he slept all night, soaking in the sound of his lover's heartbeat.

\----------------------------------------------------

In the morning, Dean woke to the smell of coffee and something warm to eat. It took him a moment to open his eyes, but when he did, Cas was there, reading a new book. When he looked to his right, there was indeed a steaming cup of coffee and a plate of hot buttery pancakes.

"Mmm, Cas, you gotta stop feeding me. You're gonna make me fat," Dean said with a groggy chuckle. 

"You haven't gained any weight so far. Even if you had, I wouldn't care. Would you?"

"I dont wanna have to buy new clothes. I had to start exercising," he grumbled with a grimace at the thought. "Don't tell Sam."

"Exercise is good for you. And these pancakes are hardly as bad for you as the greasy diner foods you normally eat. There is less sodium, at any rate, and I used honey instead of discolored corn syrup."

Dean took an enormous bite. He attempted to groan and say "this is good," but with his mouth full of pancakes it was hard to make out the words. 

Cas smiled though and said, "Thank you, Dean. I'm glad you like them."

Dean nodded, taking a noisy sip from his cup. Cas cast him a sideways glance, somewhere stuck between disgust and endearment. He said nothing, however, and turned back to his book. 

"Whatcha reading?" Dean asked, peeking at the book. 

He read a few random words from the page. 

_...her quivering, pouting rouged lips wrapped around his iron rod desperately..._

"Cas, is that a _romance_ novel?" He asked with an incredulous chuckle, wide-eyed.

Cas shrugged. "I like happy endings."

"Where's the story in that, though? You know, conflict and character growth and all that shit. And the overblown cheesy sex in between? Please."

Cas looked at Dean with a blank look. "The main character in this story has grown quite a lot, and just because a story has a happy ending doesn't mean that the pages in between didn't contain substance and development. Don't be ignorant."

Dean got the sense he'd struck some sort of nerve. "I'm sorry, Cas. I'm just surprised, is all. There's nothing wrong with reading that stuff if that's what you like. I like all sorts of stuff that other people don't get."

Truth be told, he couldn't imagine reading a romance novel when you could just watch porn, but to each their own.

Cas set the book down on the table next to him a little too firmly and huffed an impatient sigh. "Well, haven't we had enough sad endings? I think we deserve happy endings." The angel seemed agitated. 

"Are you talking about books or us?" Dean asked, chewing as he watched Cas, wondering what the big deal was.

Cas thought for a moment, clenching his jaw. "Both."

"Well sure, we deserve happy endings. And you can read books with happy endings. Y'know... don't tell anyone, but I like movies with happy endings too. And middles and beginnings. Sometimes.," he said softly, with a wink. 

Cas scoffed. "Everyone already knows that, Dean." Cas was grinning reluctantly now, though, so Dean didn't mind the slight jab.

"Yeah, maybe they do know. We don't hafta yap about it though."

There was silence for a moment, then Cas peered at the pancakes. "I would scold you for eating in bed since you have no grace to clean up after yourself, but maybe instead you could just give me a bite."

Dean raised his eyebrow at the angel. "Really? You brought it in here. Was I supposed to carry it back out to the table?" He asked. "And I do have grace. Little bit."

Cas shrugged with a playful grin. "Not enough to clean up."

Dean ignored the remark, instead of asking "You didn't make any for yourself, huh?"

"No. I made some for Sam, but they'll be cold by the time he gets back from his run."

"Alright, well, c'mere, then." Dean cut a huge bite out of the stack of three fluffy pancakes. 

"Dean, _no_. My vessel's mouth isn't able to comfortably accommodate that. I want to enjoy the food. You should try it sometime," he admonished with a slight grimace. 

Dean rolled his eyes and cut a more normal bite as he said, "'My vessel can't accommodate that'. That's not what you said about my dick," in a mocking tone.

"Immature," Cas sighed, "but not incorrect."

Dean flashed him a mischievous grin. He speared the bite pancakes dripping with honey. Cas went to take the fork, but Dean batted his hand away and brought it to Castiel's mouth. "C'mon, sunshine, open up."

Cas gave him a quizzical look. 

He opened his mouth too wide, brow still furrowed, looking awkward and more similar to a puzzled baby bird than an angel of the lord. Dean giggled at him and his adorable behavior as he gave the bite to Castiel. The angel chewed with a thoughtful look. 

"So? What’s the verdict on pancakes, Cas?"

Cas nodded. "These are nice,” he decided. He licked the honey from his lips, then asked “Why did you do that? I've never seen you feed anyone else."

"You've never seen me blow anyone else either."

Cas tilted his head. "It's intimate then?"

"Uh, not always I guess. You do it for people that you wanna take care of, like sick family, kids. But like now, yeah, that was intimate I guess," he said with a shrug.

"Like when I put the honey in your mouth in the garden?"

"Oh, yeah. That was definitely intimate."

"Mm, yes." Cas hummed, remembering.

"Speaking of the garden, I know it's cold out, but do you wanna go up and check on it today? I feel like getting outside."

"The cold doesn't affect me. I think the holly bushes and the hellebore may be budding. We can go to the garden, yes," the angel said with a nod.

Dean loved the glint of excitement he saw in Cas's eyes when he talked about the garden. It made him happy to see Cas happy, but also proud that he had given Cas that happiness. He had played savior to many and offered relief, but to be able to bring happiness - just happiness, no strings attached - to someone was a novel feeling. Dean loved it.

Dean finished his breakfast and told Cas he'd meet him outside. When the angel had left the bunker, Dean darted into his room and put a knife and the holy oil-cured glasses into his coat pockets. He took a deep breath - he couldn't tell if he was excited or nervous. He decided it was probably both. The hunter sent Sam a quick text to stay away from the garden and then headed to join Castiel, trying to tame the wild beating of his heart.

When he climbed up the rise to meet Castiel, he was not surprised to see the angel had removed his coat and was tending some flowers carefully with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, kneeling in the dirt. 

"Hey Cas," Dean said. 

He thought his voice must have betrayed him because Cas gave him a peculiar look. 

_Or maybe he just feels how nervous I am,_ Dean thought.

"Hello, Dean," he said, looking at the hunter for a moment too long before turning his attention to the leaves of a plant with reddish buds. It stood out in the garden since most of the other plants were dormant, looking dead and dull, while the hellebore was verdant and lush looking even in the cold. 

Dean didn't care about the names of flowers. He thought they were pretty enough, but botanical knowledge wasn't that captivating. Still, Cas made him learn a little anyway. He supposed it was payback for all the subpar movies he made Cas watch. He walked around the perimeter of the garden, stretching and enjoying the sunshine despite the chilled air as Castiel spoke quietly to him about the creation of flowers and various meanings and symbolism they've held to humans throughout time. Even though the subject matter itself would bore him, hearing Cas telling him something he was passionate about always warmed his heart.

After a while of pacing and moving around, he sat on the ground behind the log bench and began whittling away at the cold wood as he listened to Cas babble softly about the flowers as he picked at unhealthy leaves on the holy and the hellebore and examined the dry stalks of the other plants to make sure they were trimmed appropriately. You couldn't exactly say Cas kept a neat or tidy garden, he believed in letting things grow to a point that they could be considered overgrown and gangly, but all the plants were kept very healthy by his care and attention. 

Eventually, Cas seemed satisfied and wandered over to Dean.

"What are you doing to the bench?" He asked, almost accusingly. 

"Come look," Dean huffed with a soft chuckle. 

Cas came around to see what the hunter was carving into the perfectly good bench for.

He'd carved a heart onto the bench and inside put "DW +".

"Almost done. This edge looks a little sloppy. Gotta clean it up," Dean explained, carefully cutting away a ragged spot on the heart.

Cas tilted his head. "Why did you do that?" He asked, accusation fading to only curiosity.

"It's my initials, dipshit. In a heart. Now put yours there," he said, scooting aside and flipping the knife gracefully to hand to Cas by the handle.

Cas sat next to him and took it with a strange look, slowly looking at the knife, then the heart, then back at Dean. 

"You never heard of this? It's this dumb cheesy shit people do when they're in love. Carve a heart on a tree and put their initials in it," Dean said. "Just a silly thing," he added, feeling embarrassed. 

_It is cheesy, just like that god-awful book he was reading_ , he thought, feeling very small. _What a fucking sap I am. Jesus, Winchester,_ he admonished himself, feeling his cheeks heating despite the cold air.

But his anxiety was somewhat absolved when Cas hesitantly began carving a "C" into the wood with a lopsided hint of a grin. He glanced at Dean for a moment before starting to go back over it harder to match the depth of Dean's initials already in the wood.

"Like this?" He asked.

"Yeah, go on."

"On? What else do I do?"

"Well, you just got the one letter on there. You have to have two. You aren't Cher."

"What?" Cas asked, baffled.

"Put another letter on there, Cas, for fucks sake," he said with a playful grin, gesturing at the heart.

Cas stared at the lonely “C”. He shook his head, brow furrowed, and looked back to Dean. "What letter? …'N'?" 

Dean made an exasperated sound, rolling his eyes. "No, dumbass. Put a 'W'. Go on already," he said with a grin.

Cas looked at him for a long moment. Dean felt his anxiety flare back up. He wasn't sure how Cas would feel about that. Dean felt his stomach twist in the short heartbeats of time that elapsed. He was about to start backtracking and telling Cas to put whatever letter he wanted in the heart, but then he froze when he saw the slight upward twitch of a smile on Castiel's lips.

"Okay," the angel said softly, the tiny hint of a grin stuck on his face.

Dean broke into a full beaming smile when Cas began carving the "W" carefully into the wood. 

"There ya go. That's better," Dean said, still beaming. Cas just nodded, grin growing wider. 

Without warning, Dean began to feel insecurity nagging at the edges of his mind. Dean's smile faltered a bit, a slightly bitter edge seeping into his expression. "It is pretty stupid, isn't it?" He laughed sheepishly, fiddling with a stick on the ground awkwardly, looking away. 

"No."

"Cas, I'm like a full-grown _man -_ and an old one by hunter standards! And I just carved a heart into a dead tree like some lovesick teenaged girl."

"I don't care. I liked it. Why are you worried about it now? You were happy when we were doing this. You smiled so beautifully," Cas said, with a completely devoted expression on his face.

Dean hesitated, biting his lip and furrowing his brow. There was a long moment that seemed to pass by at an achingly sluggish speed. Dean was surprised he even had an answer, but he almost didn’t want to say it. Still, this was Castiel. If he could say it to anyone, it was Cas.

"I think... I'm afraid of the happy endings you were talking about, Cas,” he whispered in a broken voice.

Castiel tilted his head and furrowed his brow, studying Dean. "Why?"

Dean chuckled ruefully. "Oh, Cas. 'Why'. You always ask that like it's _easy_ ," he sighed, pausing for a short time, looking off at the hellebore, focusing in on the beautiful verdant leaves amid the other dull colors. "I think it's because… I don't ever want it to end – happy or sad. And...I think it's because I never got to enjoy the beginning or the middle,” he grated out bitterly, sticking the twig he was fiddling with into the ground over and over.

"Then enjoy it now. With me, Dean. Enjoy the 'girly' hearts. Enjoy the ‘chick-flicks’ and westerns and everything. Just be with me… Like you were last night. Like you were when you carved the heart. Don't think about the ending. Don't think about what other people think. It doesn't matter. Here - it's only me and you."

Sensing his lover's concern, Cas curled a wing around him. Dean turned his face in to smell the sweet oil of the feathers, closing his eyes and humming softly. Cas felt the waves of anxiety rolling off of the hunter begin ebbing away. 

"I know that you think it matters if things are thought of as masculine or feminine. That's peculiar to me on its own, but I don't know why you think things you designate as feminine are bad. They're not. But just to assuage you, Dean - I think of you completely as a man. A strong, brave, righteous man with a beautiful soul."

Dean scoffed. "Feminine things aren't bad. I know that. Just… old ideas someone put in my head a long time ago."

Cas looked at him blankly. He knew what Dean meant to say and why he failed to say it.

"You can tell me, you know," he said with a sensitive, earnest look, bringing his wing a little tighter around Dean.

Dean froze for a moment. He hesitated, turning to face Cas, then looked at the ground. "My old man."

"John," Cas growled. 

"Yeah," Dean confirmed, nodding slowly.

"He had no idea what it means to be a man, Dean. You're a thousand times the man he was," Cas said with a cold look in the distance, but he clasped a warm hand on Dean's. 

Dean didn't say anything for a long time, but his mind was racing. He thought of all the times John had called out a failure he'd committed, all the unfair expectations he'd placed on Dean as a child or derided him for not being tough enough, careful enough, strong enough. _Not man enough._

But there was Cas. Calling him back to that feeling he had last night, reminding him he was enough, reminding him he was exactly who he wanted to be. That he was a man, and a good one. A strong brave one.

"Maybe you're right," Dean whispered, curling fingers softly through the feathers. 

They stayed like that for several minutes, Dean curled into the warm, strong wing that Cas folded around him. Dean stroking the wing and looking down, fixated on the colorful iridescent sheen of the dark black and blue feathers. Cas rubbing Dean's other hand, keeping it warm.

"You know, uh… last night did seem extra… special I guess. Didn't it?" 

"Yes," Cas said in a hushed voice. 

"Yeah. I know something else we could do that's extra special. And I don't want you to get mad, but, I thought this would make you feel better if I got some protection…" he said, trailing off as he pulled the glasses out of his coat pocket and put them on. 

"What - what did you do?" Cas said, suddenly panicky. "I can barely see you," he said, grasping Dean's face.

"Whoa! You're so bright, Cas," Dean said in wonderment, grinning like a fool. 

They let a moment pass, trying to get their bearings. 

"What do you mean you can barely see me?" Dean asked curiously. 

"Those glasses - I can't see your soul well through them," Cas frowned. "What are you doing, Dean?" Cas closed his wing and stood up.

"Oh, you're not happy," Dean said, giving an awkward, guilty smile, "Okay, okay, they're so I can see… uh, your true form. But don't be mad! I got help."

"What _are_ these? Explain," Cas said, nostrils flaring, brows drawn together in concern

"Okay, hold on, Cas! It's okay. I went to see Rowena-,"

Cas threw his arms up in frustration. "Oh, the Queen of _Hell_? Lovely," he sneered.

"Yeah, but it's _Rowena_. She's cool."

Cas scoffed, crossing his arms, wingtips twitching in frustration much like the tail of a pissed-off cat.

"And she gave me a spell for them. They're glasses cured in holy oil, and then I've got this sigil and an incantation," Dean spouted, ignoring Cas's irritation, " _And_ she said I probably don't even need it," he added with a smug look.

"Give me those," Cas growled, snatching the glasses deftly from Dean's face, leaving the hunter startled and blinking foolishly. 

Cas studied the glasses carefully as Dean scowled silently at him for several moments.

"It's fine, Cas. I'm being safe! We can do this. I wanna touch your wings, I wanna _see_ you, the real you."

Cas just held up a finger to silence him, still gazing intently upon the sigils. He put the glasses on.

"Ooh," Dean said, interest suddenly piqued. "You look pretty good in those, Cas,” he said, raising his eyebrows and flashing a wicked smile.

Cas rolled his eyes and took them off again, staring at them. "Let me see the incantation," he demanded. 

Dean sighed and handed him the paper. It seemed like ages the angel spent examining the glasses, the sigils, and the small paper with the incantation. After a time, his head suddenly snapped up and his eyes locked onto Dean's. Cas seemed to nod to himself. 

"I thought we were going to talk to each other before we did anything stupid," the angel said, but the vexation he'd had earlier seemed to melt away. Dean wasn't actually sure what emotion Cas was displaying now.

"It's not stupid. I wanna see," he said quietly, but with a certain intensity and stubbornness. He took a step closer to Cas and gently took the glasses out of his hands. He put them back on his face, looking at Cas stubbornly. "This is going to work, Cas."

Dean reached out and squeezed the angel's warm hand, looking at him. 

"Dean," Cas said, looking uncertain, "you… Oh…,” he said as he looked back up at Dean. “You have perfect eyes. So green, like the garden, was this autumn just before the leaves started to turn. I never noticed them fully... without your soul outshining them before," he said, swallowing and shifting on his feet.

Dean laughed. "Uh, thanks. That's not what I thought you were gonna say. You look so nervous."

Cas chuckled but didn't look less concerned. "It isn't what I was going to say. I just noticed and thought you should know."

Dean blushed. "That’s nice of you. Now spill it,"

Cas sighed. "It will work. To be honest, I'm not sure you even need them. Better to have of course," he admitted. 

Dean smacked his hands and pointed accusingly at Cas. "I knew it! I told you-,"

"Dean."

The hunter sighed and let Cas continue.

"I just… don't believe you will find my true form pleasing. On the contrary, I think you will be horrified. Disgusted. I don't want you to look at me that way." The angel was wringing his hands and looking anywhere but at Dean.

"Cas, that's crazy. You - look, you get to see my soul, right? And that's what you think of as me. I just want to see that part of you," Dean said, grabbing Castiel's hand and clutching it to him.

"Man, I'm not gonna be freaked out. It is… it’s my job to see freakier shit on a daily basis. Alright, so you're big and made of light and eyeballs and fire and you have a hundred wings and eight heads – _so fucking what?!_ I wanna see you."

"Dean, firstly that’s all inaccurate. Second, you don't understand-,"

"Look, Cas, if you don't want to, I respect that and I hear you. No means no, okay? But if you say no, don't do it 'cause you think I'm gonna freak the fuck out on you. If you say no because you aren't ready, I get that. But don't say no because you think I can't handle it. Because I'm _dying_ to see you the way you see me, sunshine. I can’t stop thinking about it. I know you won’t be a Playboy Bunny, okay? That’s not why I want this. I wanna see you – I’ve never _seen you_."

Cas looked into Dean's eyes for a long time. Winter wind ruffled his dark hair. He gave Dean a look somewhere crossed between love and pain and curiosity. Castiel's mind was full of "what ifs".

Dean thought he was going to freeze to death before Cas said anything, but finally, Cas reached a hand out and placed it on Dean's shoulder. 

"We're going to fly now," he said, and before he'd even finished the word they were somewhere else. 

Dean felt his stomach flop and the odd sensation of sudden movement even though he never felt his feet leave the ground that made him sick. "Jesus fucking _balls_ , Cas!" Dean shouted angrily. "That makes me dizzy as all hell!" He stumbled a bit, grasping Cas for stability on landing.

"I gave you notice."

"Ugh, alright Spock. You're so damn literal. Maybe more than zero seconds next time, capiche?" Dean grumbled. He looked around. They were on a huge empty plain, full of tall stalks of dead grass and the occasional odd patch of other untamed growth. The sky was a dark grey, swathed with clouds that threatened to rain.

"Where are we?" Dean asked.

"West Siberia."

"Really? It's less… covered in snow than I woulda thought."

"No, not really. We're still in Kansas, a few hundred miles from the bunker. I was joking," Cas explained, deadpan. 

"Oh."

Cas sighed and stepped back. "Dean, you don't have to do this."

"You don't have to either. I _want_ to. I've wanted this for a while. Do you want to?"

"I… yes. I'm just frightened of how you'll react."

Dean shook his head and leaned his forehead against Castiel's, cupping his face. "I'm not afraid. You can't scare me."

Cas sighed. "I hope not."

"Warm me up, Cas. I'll touch your wings and get all freaky with your oil glands and get you fired up. Let me help you loosen up," Dean crooned sweetly with a ravishing smile. gently took Dean's hands and instantly the hunter felt a flood of warmth in his veins, blooming out all over him. 

Cas smiled nervously at Dean. 

"Recite the incantation, just to be sure. I want you to be safe,” Cas instructed firmly.

Dean rolled his eyes, but he did so. Once he completed it, a glow of blue light spread over the glasses slowly before fading away. 

"Alright, are you happy now, mother hen?" Dean asked, rolling his eyes.

"Yes."

"Okay then. Let me at those wings, Castiel, angel of the lord," Dean said, lightening up and adopting a cocky swagger.

Cas gave him a disgruntled look and an eye roll, but sat down in front of Dean, his clothes appearing in a neat pile next to him as he did so. 

"Makes it easier," he muttered. 

Dean sighed as knelt behind the angel. He put his hands on Cas's shoulders, making soothing gestures. "Cas… are you sure you want to do this? You still seem nervous. I don't want you to do something you're not ready for."

Cas shifted a bit and looked back over his shoulder at the hunter. His face looked serious but calm. 

"I want you to touch me like that more than _anything_ , Dean," he said in a voice that made the hunter instantly flush. "I have since the moment you began to out in the garden. And yes, I want you to see my true form. But I'm still concerned you'll be…horrified."

"I won't be."

"I know you think you won't be… just... Please, touch me, Dean."

Dean decided he was just going to have to show Cas he wasn't afraid or fragile since he wasn't hearing it. He began with soft strokes on the wings almost as if petting them firmly along the top arches for a while until Cas was twitching them impatiently. 

Slowly, he inched down along the scapularies, ruffling them and firmly pressing his fingertips into the firm muscle under the thick masses of small silken feathers. Dean took in the vision of his fingers disappearing in the inky darkness of them. He loved how wherever the light shone on Cas's wings, arcs of iridescent color beamed proudly, brilliantly back.

"Have you preened them?" Dean asked in a soft murmur.

"No. I just use grace usually. Are they disorderly?" The angel seemed concerned about his appearance suddenly, stretching a wing out and looking carefully at it, picking at a few feathers worriedly. 

"No, they look awesome, Cas. I just wondered. I was thinking about what that would look like."

"I haven’t. I enjoyed it when you did it for me. You did such a good job."

"Mmm. I liked it too."

"I don't want you to do that today, though."

"No?"

"No. Please, Dean. Don't tease me. If you want to do this, please do it."

"Because you're excited, or because you're nervous?"

"I think perhaps I'm both. Quite excited and… very nervous."

Dean just chuckled at that, before slowly making his way to the base of where the feathered wings met the smooth skin of Castiel's back. 

"How long should I fool with 'em?"

"I don't know. I could simply transform without your… assistance. We don't have to do it this way."

Dean sighed. "You do what makes you the most comfortable. I love the idea of you losing control for me. I wanna see that look on your face again."

"I'm afraid to lose control when there's no barrier between you and the grace. I don't know what will happen, Dean."

"We can work up to that, then. We don't need to do anything you don't want to. Honest, Cas. I won't be upset if you change your mind."

"No, I - I do want this. I'm afraid I'll hurt you. Maybe just… start slowly?"

Dean leaned close to Cas's ear, nipping softly at it. "Of course, man."

Cas nodded, breathing deeply. 

Dean let his thumbs push on the glands. Instantly, Cas arched his back and flared his wings involuntarily, crying out in a sound that practically gave Dean vertigo from how fast the blood rushed south. Oil spread over his fingers, warm and slick. 

"Awesome," Dean murmured with a self-satisfied grin, not letting up the pressure as he made gentle circles around the sensitive nubs.

"Dean," Cas panted, then launched into a steady stream of Enochian under his breath, wings twitching.

Dean found himself almost as helpless as Cas because of how turned on he was. The writhing mess of an angel leaning into his capable hands made him feel powerful. He pressed his lips into Castiel's hair, then down his neck, sucking softly in rhythm with the motion of his thumbs.

Castiel was a mess. He couldn't think, it was as if his mind was thrust into a state of only chaotic ecstatic vibrations. He was past the point of being able to form even Enochian anymore and all that came out of his lips were sweet, needy noises that shot fire right through Dean's blood every time. 

It was only a short few minutes before Dean was moaning and breathing desperately right along with him. He noticed that at some point they had begun a rocking motion in time with the desperate breathing Cas was doing, sweet and needy. Cas was arching back into him rhythmically and he was moving right along with it, feathering out the pressure, hands dripping with the sweet musky smelling oil. His cock was straining painfully against his jeans, his heartbeat was like a drum increasing tempo in his ears, but there was no way he was removing his hands for even a fraction of a second. Cas was beautiful. His wings were shaking and twitching wildly, he was out of breath and the _sounds_ \- Dean had never heard his angel louder or more sinful than he was in this moment. 

"Holy hell, Cas," Dean said, voice wrecked and rasping. The angel was beginning to glow a brilliant blue all over. Dean heard the sharp whine of the angel's true voice picking up, and the wind with it. The typically small jolts that ran through him were ramping up to an intensity that should have felt painful, but instead just ran through his body, feeling powerful and alien. It vibrated through him in a way he felt in his bones, disconcertingly rattling his teeth and making him feel cross-eyed and unable to focus. All the while, Cas was beginning to crest over the point of glowing and was outright becoming a beacon of searing light, so bright Dean was aware that it should hurt his eyes but it didn't. Dean didn't stop his motions and pressure on the oil glands, but he was sure his rhythm must have faltered because he couldn't focus on anything.

Castiel was barely aware of anything in the universe but Dean Winchester's incredible thumbs and the blessedly wicked work they were doing to the sweet spots just under his wings. That and the violently rapturous sensation building and blooming in him. There was this mental buzzing that steadily intensified, and while it was unsettling in one sense, it was also oddly pleasant. He could feel that he was about to burst right out of his vessel. It frightened him a little even though he knew it wouldn't damage it- he'd never left his vessel this way before and he'd become quite possessive and protective of it. Still, he was too far gone into blissed-out, lust drunk madness to care enough to do anything. He was chasing the peak of whatever this was building to.

Dean was amazed. He was aware that all of this powerful holy energy beaming out of his lover and vibrating through his bones should hurt him - his eyes, his skin, probably his mind. But it just felt intense, foreign. He was insanely turned on, but he was also starting to feel a nagging worry that this may have been a stupid idea after all. But this was Dean Winchester - he never let a bad idea stop him from following through.

Then things happened very quickly. Castiel's vessel went limp and heavy in Dean's arms, and a magnificent burst of brilliant blue light shot like a comet from Vas's chest into the clouds, expanding and twisting upward, changing shapes so rapidly and burning so brightly Dean couldn't quite understand what he was seeing. He was shocked to realize the vessel in his arms suddenly had no wings. It was just a slack, naked man. Dean panicked about the unresponsive body of his partner in his arms, even though he knew Cas wasn't in there. Still, he quickly checked the pulse and that his partner's vessel was breathing and well before carefully laying it back in the tall grass, placing his head on the stack of clothes. Dean placed a tender kiss on the lips of Castiel's vessel - he wasn't sure why. He was vaguely aware of the necklace steadily beating in time with the vessel's heart. 

Finally, Dean looked up. It was a few more seconds before anything happened. He had a moment of fear, worried that Cas might fly off elsewhere and leave him alone here.

_Be still, Dean. I am here._

"Cas? I don't see you."

_I need a moment._

"Are you ok?"

_Yes. I'm fine, Dean. I just need to… stabilize. I haven't had this form for a while. I’ll also need to place some protections nearby to protect anyone in the observable range._

"Okay, Cas." Dean felt his heart fluttering like a swarm of butterflies. He suddenly felt inadequate. He locked his palm and fussed with his hair as best he could without a mirror and straightened his shirt, then bent over and knocked the dirt off his knees. He cast a glance back at the listless vessel. Even though he knew Cas was fine, it still felt more than a little upsetting to see his face slack and unresponsive. He tried to focus on the fact that Cas was there and he would be seeing him - the _real_ him - for the first time.

_I’m ready, Dean. I hope you’re prepared._

“Hit me, Cas. C’mon. Don’t be shy.”

_I have no intention of hitting you._

“Okay that’s not really - y’know what, okay,” Dean murmured.

Descending from the clouds, a huge form began to emerge. Even just from the toes, Dean was struck by the strangeness and massiveness of the form.

"Whoa," he whispered.

First came the feet. Huge, three-toed feet - four of them - long yet sturdy looking, yet even as large and foreign as they seemed, they still had a certain opulent appearance like some sort of fine marble sculpture. The legs were also inhuman looking, as they were long and smooth and moved with a certain dexterous quality as they stretched toward the ground. 

“Holy fuck,” Dean whispered. 

A feeling that resembled chuckling filled his head, and he felt sudden mirth in his heart.

_You aren’t afraid?_

“No.”

_...Not yet. A good sign, nonetheless._

As Cas continued to come down through the angry dark clouds, his torso was covered in eyes as well. The celestial fire Cas had spoken of burned in a cavity where a human heart would be, a hollow in what would be his chest. There were strange, tree-like parts of him as if all that white-blue light was woven together of vines and smooth wood, leaving peculiar hollows and crevices within his torso that let the light of the blue celestial fire peek through in lovely streams of light.

The plain flooded with light. Castiel had not exaggerated. He was, in fact, the height of the fucking Chrysler building. He did have six massive wings, much like the ones Dean was familiar with usually on his vessel - lovely inky ebony and indigo feathers in stark contrast with the brilliant white and blue light bathing the area, radiating prisms of colored light off of them in brilliant rainbows. The main difference was that embedded throughout the wings were hundreds of eyes, all different colors, and shapes. Some looked familiar, some looked animal or even completely alien in nature, but strangely they were all beautiful. He looked hard at one eye, in particular, that was entirely white but seemed to look back at him with hundreds of black stars, like an inverse of the night sky. He hadn’t been lying about the surplus of arms, either. Cas had dozens of arms, and they moved like water in dancing, graceful movements. His arms and hands did not resemble human ones. They were long and elegant and had an “other-ness” that captivated Dean. They were moving with a lovely cohesion and deliberation, and the strange dancing motions seemed to convey a message, but Dean felt he couldn’t quite grasp it. Cas had four faces. Four.

_Four faces. What does he do with all these extra faces and hands and shit?_ Dean thought.

_Not much, lately._ Cas’s reply felt sardonic.

There was a face vaguely human-like face, not at all like Jimmy, which was the one facing Dean at the moment. It looked like a prototype of the perfect human face, genderless in appearance, too symmetrical, too perfect, too beautiful to be real. It was completely expressionless. It, like all of Castiel's skin, was glowing blue-white and smooth like porcelain. It looked more like a marble statue than an actual face. All of his skin did. On one side of the head where an ear would go on a human, instead was an elegant face of a lioness. On the other side, a ram with curling horns stretching up skyward. As Cas turned, he revealed the face of some sort of bird of prey or griffin - Dean didn’t know, but it looked so majestic. Cas turned his human face back toward Dean. Rotating above him were interlocking rings of what looked like bands of metal, but this was also riddled with eyes, blinking slowly at Dean. 

Dean craned his neck up, taking in the amazing sight. 

“You _do_ have a halo.”

_It’s not a halo. I don’t have a halo. That's part of my body. It has eyes, Dean._ Dean got the sense that Cas did not find it amusing.

“It looks like a halo,” Dean replied, finding it very amusing, especially given that Cas did not.

_It isn’t._ Dean felt Cas's irritation spike through him, which made the hunter chuckled lightly. 

“It’s beautiful, halo or not. You’re… _you’re_ beautiful.”

Cas’s arms began a lovely, wild flurry of elegant movement and Dean felt an excitement burst through him.

Dean was overwhelmed by this. It hit him suddenly how absolutely fucking insane this was. He was looking at an _angel_. And angels did not look anything like the paintings.

“Cas, you look… dude you look… Well, you look _fucking awesome!_ Holy shit, Cas! Holy motherfucking shit! I never imagined this in my wildest dreams.”

Dean felt a swelling feeling in his chest. Like...bashfulness? 

_Really?_

“Yes, really. I'm like…” Dean beamed and made an explosion noise, gesturing with his hands as he did so, "mind blown."

Dean felt the swelling feeling grow, followed by a bright joyful burst.

_I’m surprised you don’t feel frightened._

“I’m not. I told you I wouldn’t be. I’m in awe, man.”

Cas didn’t say anything. Dean stumbled forward. He was a few hundred yards away from Cas, but in the shadow of his enormity, that didn’t feel so far at all. 

“Do all angels look like this?”

There was a heavy pause.

_Really? You’re asking if we all look the same? Dean. That’s rude even by human standards._

“Oh! Uh, sorry…” Dean blushed fiercely.

_I’m joking. It’s fine, Dean. No. We’re all different. But similar enough you would certainly recognize them as other angels._

“How come none of your mouths move when you talk?”

_Because when I talk it just sounds like this to you,_ Cas explained. The mouth of the human face opened wide and the screech of his true voice rang out sharp and clear. While it didn’t hurt Dean anymore, he did feel a pang of sadness that he still couldn’t understand.

“I guess that makes sense.”

Cas’s heads nodded, the screeching abated and the mouth closed.

“What do you do with all these eyes?”

_Observe the universe,_ Cas said simply.

“Oh, _of course_ , my fucking bad, babe. Obviously,” Dean said sarcastically. 

_Well, that is what I do with them, Dean. What do you want me to say?_

Dean started walking toward Cas.

_No need. Stop._

“What?”

Cas reached out a huge hand and bent to lower it to Dean. The long, spindly fingers looked so delicate and graceful, and yet they were enormous. Dean was amazed and also felt smaller than he’d ever felt. 

“I can’t get over how… big you are. You weren’t joking, buddy.”

A giddy, bubbling feeling rose through the hunter. Cas's many arms danced.

_If you think this is incredible, you should see Jack's form. He's much bigger._

“Wow, I bet he looks cool.”

_He does_ , Cas confirmed. Dean felt a flare of radiant pride strike him.

“Cas, am I feeling your feelings? D’you feel proud? And earlier, did you feel shy?

_Yes, it sounds like that’s the case. I don’t have a way of separating them from my grace and my grace is unfiltered for you at the moment._

A moment passed. _Are you going to get on, or no?_

Dean stared at the giant hand before him. It felt completely bizarre and yet thrilling to know that his partner could scoop him up in one hand - one of the dozens. Dean climbed onto the giant hand, feeling incredibly small, but so lost in his wonderment that it didn’t bother him.

“Am I shacked up with all this? When you're in your vessel, you cram all this into Jimmy Novak's used meat?” Dean said, gesturing dramatically to all of the enormous form before him. 

_...Yes. That’s accurate if crude._

Cas carefully cupped him like a delicate flower in the alien hand. The glow of his partner’s enormous form suffused Dean with warmth and tranquility as he sat on his hand. He smoothly brought Dean before his human face. It struck Dean as interesting that while Cas had hundreds of eyes all over his form, the faces had no pupils or irises. They were empty, radiating pure blue light rather than real eyes like all the many blinking back at him from among Castiel’s six wings and torso.

_Hello, Dean._

“Hey, Cas.” Dean was breathless at the sight of Castiel up close. Realizing how fucking huge he was felt sort of trippy to Dean.

_I’m truly shocked that you aren’t frightened._

“I told you I wouldn’t be. You look awesome. I just wish I didn’t feel so…tiny. I wish I could kiss your big faces. Well, maybe just the one with lips. The lion face might bite me,” he joked.

He blushed at the idea of being the little one. He wasn’t a small man, so this was a foreign feeling.

_I would not bite you with any of my faces!_ A flare of shock ran through Dean’s chest. He was baffled by the sharpness of all the emotions he could feel from Cas.

“You bite me with your vessel’s face,” Dean pointed out.

_That’s different. My vessel’s teeth can’t crush armies._

Dean smiled at that, and the arms that weren’t busy hold him flurried with excited movement, fingers and arms dancing and radiating light. The fire in Cas’s heart seemed to grow brighter. 

“What was that?”

_I just… like it when you smile._

“So your faces don’t make expressions, but your magic fire and your arms do?

_I suppose that’s accurate._

“That was like a smile back?”

_I suppose. I’ve never tried to think about how my true form would translate to human displays of emotion._

“Thank you for letting me see you, y’know. Like this. You’re… Cas, you’re the most incredible… being I guess? I’ve ever seen. Just totally… _awesome_.”

Dean felt a thrill welling in his chest and the dozens of arms danced in an energetic fluttering of complex movements, the fire flared and flickered in him. 

Dean laughed, and the reactions became even more pronounced. “You like it when I tell you you’re pretty, don’t you? Was that like an angel blush?”

_I think ‘pretty’ is a stretch._

“Well, I don’t.”

_You can’t possibly find my true form ‘pretty’, Dean. Awe-inspiring, perhaps. Pretty? Attractive? Certainly not._

“Well, maybe I do find you attractive, numbnuts.”

_Don’t be rude._

Dean rolled his eyes. 

“So do you guys walk around like this all the time when you aren’t in your vessels?”

_That’s more or less the only option if we’re not in Heaven and we’re in the physical plane of existence. The other angels are mostly back in Heaven now. They don’t spend much time down here any longer._

Dean reached a hand out to stroke Castiel’s hand beneath him, again feeling awestruck. As he stroked the hand he was sitting on, Cas’s arms and celestial fire began their “angel blush” as Dean had called it.

“You’re so warm.”

_Grace._

“Your grace feels cold sometimes, though.”

_Yes, when you want it to._

“Do you miss being like this?”

_I used to. Not so much anymore._

“I like your true form, Cas.”

Dean felt a thrill run through him - hesitant pride, shy joy.

_Thank you, Dean._

“You’re shy. You’re this big giant fucking celestial being and I’m tiny! Like a little ant in your hand and _you’re_ shy! And you’re in _love_ with me? That’s nuts.”

_It’s not ‘nuts’. You’re very special. If you could see your soul, if you could see what I see in you, maybe you would understand. I don’t think of you as less than me just because you’re smaller._

“I’m taller than your vessel,” Dean pointed out smugly.

_Congratulations, Dean. You’re taller than Jimmy Novak. I’m taller than entire buildings. Does now strike you as the time to compare size?_

“You don’t have a dick.”

Cas mentally sighed. _You can be incredibly superficial._

“How do angels fuck?”

Dean felt a flare of irritation. The arms did not move, but every one of the hundreds of eyes rolled.

_I don’t really know. I told you everything I know. It’s complicated, it's mechanical, and there’s a great deal of paperwork involved._

Dean felt embarrassment flutter through him. “Why are you embarrassed, Cas? It’s okay.”

_I’m not._ He was defensive.

“I can literally feel your feelings, Cas.”

The arms moved to flip him off, dozens in an artfully coordinated unison, flipping him off all together.

“I think you picked up too many human gestures living around me and Sam,” he laughed, “ But be real with me. It’s just me, Cas. C’mon. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

_It’s just more of a spiritual bonding act than mating in the sense you would think of._

“Why is that embarrassing?”

_It isn’t, it’s just… I’m not sure if embarrassment is the right word. I think I felt… Curious._

“Maybe, but I definitely picked up some embarrassment too. What were you curious about? C’mon Cas.”

_I was curious about whether… we could do that._

“Spirit bond and make a baby angel!?” Dean squawked, voice breaking as he panicked. 

_No! There would be no… ‘baby angel’. You don’t have enough grace for that._

Dean grimaced. “Cas. Did you just call me _impotent_? That’s rude.”

_Dean._ Cas implied exasperation. 

“Okay, okay. I don’t wanna make a baby, angel or otherwise.”

_You’d be an excellent father, though._

“We already have a kid. He’s God. I don’t wanna pick favorites. It’s hard to top God.”

_That’s true._

Dean hesitated, eyes going wide. “Do you… _wanna_ make a baby angel, Cas?” Dean asked timidly.

_No._

Dean felt amusement bubbling up in his chest from Castiel and relief in himself.

“I was just checking,” Dean said, crossing his arms. 

_Now you’re embarrassed._

“Maybe a little. It wasn’t a conversation I thought we’d have. Anyway, tell me about the spirit bonding thing. I’m not sure I understand why you wanna if it’s so mechanical.”

_I don’t think it would be for us. We don’t have a third party or bureaucratic process to concern ourselves with. More importantly, we both experience emotion._

“Other angels watch?”

_There is an observer._

“Okay, that’s… wow, angels are kinky, who would have thought Heaven was guilty of voyeurism. Anyway, tell me about the spirit sex, sorry. I keep interrupting.”

_I think we could just will our spiritual essences to connect for a time._

“That sounds simple.”

_It’s not difficult. But it would be very intimate - more intimate than anything we have ever done. And I would be aware of all your thoughts._

"How do you know that if you've never done angel mating?"

_How did you know how to have sex the first time? Instinct._

Dean blushed, looking at all the majesty and alien beauty of Castiel. He was already feeling small, but this was difficult to wrap his head around. "I can't believe a four-faced gorgeous angel with a billion fucking eyes has instincts about angel fucking _me_."

_Why not?_

"I just get why Uriel called us mud monkeys now. You're so… big. And not just your actual size, fuck, but… all this! All the powers and eyes and giant hands and your...fire heart thing, Cas! How do you want me? I'm nothing next to you," Dean gushed, insecure but in awe.

_No. That's not true. You're not nothing, Dean. You're my everything. Don't speak that way. Don't speak like tha_ t.

Dean felt a cool sadness settling in his bones. Castiel's eyes all brimmed with tears. The fire in his chest dimmed and the dozens of arms began slow, languid movements. 

"I didn't mean to make you sad, Cas," he whispered. 

_I feel like that every time you demean yourself._

"I'm sorry."

_It's alright. I know that old habits are difficult to end._

"Old habits die hard," Dean corrected. 

_That's what I said._

Dean chuckled at that. "So… what do I do? I wanna do this bond with you."

_You should know, Dean… it will be very intense. There will be no barriers between us. When I say we'll be as one, I mean it in a way you've never experienced. I know you value your privacy._

"Well yeah, day to day. But this is special. It's like I'm meeting you for the first time, man. I want to… mark the occasion I guess."

_Then just will it into being. Will yourself to let go and release yourself to me._

"What will happen to my body, though?"

_Like my vessel, your body will rest. I would never put you in danger._

"I know, Cas. I just wondered. Alright, let's do this."

Dean shifted around a bit in Castiel's enormous glowing hand, getting comfortable. He then decided he should lie down. He closed his eyes and let his hands touch the huge hand beneath him, soaking in the solid warmth of it. He let his mind drift away, thinking thoughts of letting go, being with Cas.

_You're thinking too hard. Relax._

It took Dean a while, but he could feel the moment he relaxed and yielded to Cas enough, because a flood of warmth filled him, taking his breath. Suddenly, he couldn't feel his body. He felt a brief panic at that but Castiel was there.

_Don't fear, Dean. You are safe. I am here._

This calmed him. 

_I can't see you,_ Dean said. Well, he meant to say - but he was not in his body now. It seemed more intentional than if it was just a thought, but the words were sent without breath, without sound.

_You can. You just need to relax and trust me,_ Cas assured him. _Your body is just a tool with which you can observe the universe, Dean. Simply relax. You don't require the tool to exist. It just simplifies the process._

Time passed - a moment? A decade? Dean didn't know. 

_You don't need eyes to see or ears to hear. You don't need a body to feel. You just have to let go,_ Cas gently reminded him. He felt a gentle nudge - or he thought he felt a gentle nudge, but it wasn't like bodily sensation -

_Stop thinking about it. It doesn't matter how you perceive a sensation. It will be different, but no less meaningful_ , Cas advised. There was a soft amusement coloring his words - like a peachy coral pink. It confused Dean to feel like he could see the emotion as a color. Or that he could see anything at all without eyes.

_I feel like I can see...something? But I don't understand it. I don't really see it._ Dean felt confused.

_You're getting closer. Just try to feel your consciousness for a few moments. I am here,_ Cas said, and Dean felt warmth. Warmth? He had no body. Where did he feel the warmth?

_Stop thinking about that. Just let go. You're close now. You just need to push a little farther you're almost through,_ Cas said. More warmth, more colors, colors he didn't know names for.

_Good, keep going,_ Cas encouraged.

_Where are we?_ Dean asked.

_Everywhere... and also nowhere. This is just how the universe is experienced when you move beyond the physical plane._

It seemed slow, but then again, not so slow. He began to perceive colors and feelings and sounds. It was different than using the senses of his body. Things were there and yet not there at all, he could see things yet they were ambiguous and fluid. Dean could feel things and yet it wasn't like any bodily sensations knew. Emotions tangibly moved past him, and yet it almost felt like he could taste them. It was overstimulating even though he had no way to describe any of it. He wasn't sure how this was happening, how he was aware of any of this, but he trusted Cas. Cas said not to think about the how of it all, so he didn't. 

_Where are you?_ Dean asked.

_All around. Within you and outside of you,_ the angel replied.

Dean didn't react for a moment, but then he finally had a moment where it all seemed to click into place. And he was aware of Cas as if they were nebulous forms of light and sense and sensation and yet not of any worldly sensation at all. 

They didn't need to talk. There were no questions after Dean was able to release himself completely from the expectation of the physical. Anything they could have possibly wondered was answered before they had the questions. 

There was a perception of tidal motion, their energies moving together and mingling. They failed to know where one ended and the other began. Time was irrelevant and imperceptible to them. It was blissful, beautiful, oneness. There was no Dean, there was no Cas, just _Them,_ together. They felt and knew each other in a way that words could not capture. Every thought or feeling, memory, or hidden part of their minds were like open doors. And while that should have been frightening or overwhelming, it was not. It was pure bliss. The ebb and flow of them were all that mattered, nebulous sway and pull, back and forth, over and over for what felt like an eternity. 

It ended so gradually that it took Dean by surprise. He felt a vague awareness of his body, first breath, then sight, touch, then taste and smell. He was conscious again, back in his body. He blinked for a while, not sure what to think or if he even was thinking. He was aware he was in the middle of the plain. His first actual realization that he was back in his body came when a cold raindrop hit his chest. He looked bitterly at the sky, offended. Then another struck him in the face.

Before he could panic at the realization that he was alone in the middle of an unfamiliar place, Castiel, back in his vessel, was standing above him. He was smiling down at the hunter with the most tender expression, saying nothing. The angel was clothed again, beautiful (eyeless) wings spread behind him. He waited patiently for the hunter to get his bearings. After a moment of more rain, Cas extended a wing out to keep the rain off of Dean.

Dean was still not readjusted to being back. Everything felt too much. The wind and the rustling grass was too loud. The light even diffused through the dark storm clouds felt excruciatingly bright. The smell of the oncoming storm and the earth below him assaulted his nose. The sensation of his clothes against his skin felt like an oppressive weight bearing down on him.

"Cas," he said, his voice feeling strange in his throat and booming in his ears. "That was incredible."

"Yes," was all Cas said in reply with a sweet, blissful smile. He offered Dean a hand up. "Are you alright? Reorienting can be... intense."

Dean nodded, motion feeling large and difficult. It reminded him of being on a cocktail of pain killers but without the mental fog that diminished the sensory overload of the world turning around them. He took Cas's hand and stood up. Dean immediately pulled Cas into an embrace, breathing in his sweet, musky ozone and wildflower honey smell. Dean was surprised by the passive realization that there were tears in his eyes, streaming softly down his face. He wasn't sure how long he'd been crying or why. 

"It's a very intense experience, Dean. It's normal to be overwhelmed."

Dean just nodded, still clinging to Cas silently for a while, closing his eyes. His legs felt unstable beneath him, but solid and strong, Cas held him, gently stroking his back in soothing motions. 

"I apologize in advance - I believe I will be 'in your head's as you say for a few days. And you in mine. I've never… well I didn't think about it."

Dean smiled softly, still not wanting to open his eyes to the bright, busyness of the world around them. "I don't mind, Cas. It'll be… comfortable. Like when we were there," Dean murmured, nuzzling into the angel. 

"Yes," Cas said, tightening the embrace just a little. 

"How long were we there, Cas? It felt like it could have been seconds or years. I couldn't tell."

"Time is irrelevant when you aren't in the physical plane, which we left for approximately thirteen minutes and nine seconds."

"That was just thirteen minutes?"

"No. It was thirteen minutes _here_. It was the amount of time we needed _there_."

Dean nodded against the angel's shoulder with a sweet sigh. "That makes sense."

Cas chuckled softly. "It must have been a very educational experience for you. I wouldn't have expected you to accept that answer before."

Dean smiled softly. "Mmm," he said, shrugging. "Cas?"

"Yes?"

"Take me home, please?"

"Of course, Dean," Cas said with a smile. 

The angel paused for a moment. "Dean - for what it's worth, I think you should tell Sam. He won't be angry." The angel simply smiled at the hunter for a moment.

Dean was going to tell him he loved him or gush about the intensity of the bond, or the beauty of Castiel’s true form. But the residual connection between them communicated it all wordlessly. Cas was better at keeping his thoughts to himself somewhat as if behind a door that only needed nudged open. Dean, however, was mentally broadcasting every passing thought as if standing on a soapbox and screaming into a megaphone. Dean could tell that everything he wanted to say had already made it to Cas by the look on his face.

Dean smiled back and squeezed Castiel's hand, and for the first time, it didn't make him sick to his stomach when Cas took them home.

\----------------------------------------------------

Later, Sam observed Dean with a quiet curiosity. He was oddly quiet, but there was a sort of contented peace radiating from him that Sam wasn't sure he'd ever seen. He seemed happy, and not in the usual excited childish way Dean experienced happiness, but in a genuine, bone-deep way. It warmed Sam's heart to see him that way. Cas also seemed different, but it was always hard for the younger Winchester to read him. As much as he considered Css a dear friend and like family, he was still more or less a mystery in many ways.

Sam finally approached his brother, who was whistling a familiar tune softly as he cleaned up around the bunker. It took Sam a moment to recognize "Hey Jude" by the Beatles, but when he did, it made him smile. 

"What's up with you today, man? You seem… really good. Something going on?"

Dean shrugged with a soft smile. "Just having a really good day, Sammy. Cas said he's cooking dinner tonight. Wanna head out with me to grab the groceries?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. What's he making?"

Dean looked at a list. "I honestly have no fucking clue," he chuckled. "I don't know what half of this shit is, man. Whatever it is, it'll be good."

The Winchesters chatted lightly as they made their way to the car, both gushing about the quality of Cas's cooking, Eileen, and possible cases for Sam to dispatch the other hunters in the network to. 

Finally, the conversation lulled as they pulled into the parking lot. Dean put the car in park but put a hand on Sam's shoulder as he went to open the door. 

"Sammy," he said, looking at him with a strange wistful smile. But Sam could see a nervousness hiding behind it.

"Dean? You ok?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. Sam, I'm _actually_ really good," he said chuckling with disbelief. 

"Okay… what's up?" Sam's stomach flipped. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear whatever Dean was going to say.

"Sammy, I'm happy. For real."

Sam lifted his eyebrows, waiting for the 'but'. "Okay, good. I'm really glad, Dean. Cas has been really good for you."

"Yeah, he has," Dean said softly, looking away with a grin for a moment, but looking back at Sam with that same almost pained fake smile. 

"But there's not much for me to do here anymore. Chuck's gone. You and the other hunters barely need me. And that hunt we went on, killing asshole vamps - it felt good, Sam. Real good. But… I didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything."

Sam hesitated. "Well yeah, you did, you killed the monsters. That's what we do. Saving people, hunting things."

Dean looked at him and shook his head. "Yeah, but no one _needs_ me to save people and hunt things anymore. There's more hunters now, doing better than before, with less going on."

Sam's head was spinning. "What are you saying?" He asked. Sam had no idea where this was going and he was nervous.

Dean took in a long breath and closed his eyes for a second before looking back at his brother. 

"I applied for a job, Sam."

Sam blinked several times. "Applied?"

"No, not a job-job, like a _real_ job, y’know with the nine-to-five and the manual labor. A mechanic job here in Lebanon."

Sam blinked again. Then he began to laugh. "Dean, that's great!"

Now Dean blinked, a blank look wiping the concern and trepidation from his face. "Great?"

"Yeah, I'm happy for you."

Dean finally smiled. "Yeah? I thought you'd be pissed. You’re cool?”

Sam chuckled and beamed at Dean. “Dude, no. I’m super relieved. You seemed so bored. And I should tell you, I’ve been working on... some normal stuff too. You know that video call I was on with Eileen the other night?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Dean said, nodding with a mischievous look.

Sam rolled his eyes. “Well, it really wasn’t like that. Eileen wasn’t there. I’ve actually been learning ASL from Eileen and actual lessons. And I’m getting pretty good. I’ve been volunteering a couple of hours a week to caption videos and stuff for the deaf and hard of hearing. But I’m hoping to get good enough at ASL to spend time actually doing translations at events and in live videos in real-time.”

Dean nodded, “Like an interpreter?”

“Yeah, exactly. It will take time though. There’s a lot that goes into it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? That’s cool as hell, Sammy. I’m proud of you.”

Sam chuckled and looked bashful. “I dunno, why didn’t you tell me you were going to apply for a job? Or that you picked up guitar? Or building shit?”

Dean shot him a guilty look. “I figured you’d notice the building shit. The guitar… I don’t know.”

“I didn’t find out until you tried to play at Christmas.” Sam chuckled at the memory and Dean joined in, both ending up in side-splitting laughter as they recounted the completely botched attempts at music.

“I was really drunk. I can play better than that,” Dean finally said as the laughter slowed.

“Yeah, I know. Cas told me.”

Dean sighed playfully and rolled his eyes. “You guys talk about me all the fucking time. He knew to get me the guitar ‘cause you opened your big fat cakehole in the first place!”

Sam chuckled with a slightly baffled expression. “I think I told him that like… Years ago.”

“He has an eidetic memory. And he can perfectly recall conversations too,” Dean said with a chuckle, emulating Cas’s gravelly timbre in a playful mocking way. “It can get a little irritating when we’re arguing,”

Sam laughed. “Well, in any case, I’m happy for you. You’re still sticking around the bunker though, right?”

Dean scoffed. “Of course. I’m not going to say no to a free house with free water and electricity. And protected from monsters. With an industrial kitchen. I’m not an idiot.”

“Well, good. Me too. Let’s go get these groceries, then,” Sam said with a smile.

“Yeah. What the fuck is ‘arugula’?” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is 18,000 words a "chapter" or a whole freaking fic? So sorry it got so crazy long. I know I got ridiculouly wordy there, but this is my way of coping with things too and sometimes that means you're going to get more detail about things than anyone would reasonably want or need I guess!
> 
> Hopefully the true form thing didn't freak anyone out. I could probably get waaaaay weirder with it but that's for another fic, another day. XD This is domestic fluffy-smut destiel, lmao. Maybe I'll make a freaky true form one shot some time somewhere else. 
> 
> And no, Dean isn't going to top forever. I think we all know he loves Cas taking charge. Dean's just working through some stuff. 
> 
> Next chapter will be much less talking and much more... smut. Basically smut city. >;]


	12. Love Always Trusts, and It's Easy to Trust You (Pt 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas brings home a new friend - but what will Dean think?
> 
> Dean has an idea to take Cas out on a date, but starts to worry when he realizes he doesn't know where to take him. 
> 
> Sam shares a secret with his brother.
> 
> BEFORE reading this, there is a short one shot (a related interlude) in this series for Dean's Birthday. You can read that OR, I will tuck some relevant information into the END NOTES so as not to spoil the chapter that you will need to know to understand a couple references in the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know it's probably really gauche to do a part one and part two of the "same" chapter but it just got really long, but they fed into each other and it seemed to make sense. In my next long fic, I'm not gonna name the chapters, lol. I get too attached to the naming conventions. Why couldn't I have named the fic itself something awesome instead of each chapter? The world may never know. 
> 
> This half is really fluffy, goofy and domestic. Like, it's too sweet. The next half gets a little bit more emotionally difficult, but only for a short time.

Cas was sure Dean was going to be absolutely pissed. But he frankly didn't care. He _knew_ this was the right thing to do. Cas was well aware how Dean felt about it. The hunter had been clear about it through the years, after all. Castiel knew that Dean was going to yell and fuss, but he was confident that over time he would calm down and accept it.

Cas stared at the pitiful creature, arms crossed. "I hope you're worth the arguments," he said. He waited. "Not very talkative, are you? Alright," he murmured with a sigh, and he picked it up. "Come with me."

He cleaned it up with grace, healed its small nicks and scrapes. He hesitated over a spot that had the creature snarling. “Ah, a broken leg. You should have mentioned,” Cas said, healing it. Instantly, the creature relaxed. He flew with it back to the bunker, right to his room. Cas hadn't been in his room in over a month, he'd been staying with Dean if he was in the bunker overnight but it was cozy enough for the creature, he supposed.

"I have to go and get some things. Stay here for now," Cas told it, giving it a pitying look. "I vow to return and take care of you," he said, giving it an earnest look before he flew away to gather supplies needed to care for the creature and make it healthy again.

\----------------------------------------------------

When Cas returned to the bunker, he was a little displeased to see Sam. It wasn't very fortuitous timing.

"Hi Cas!" Sam greeted cheerfully.

"Uh, hello," Cas said with a stiff nod, shuffling off awkwardly. 

Sam could immediately sense something was off.

"Cas, what's up?"

Cas shook his head. "Nothing. I have to take care of something. I'll be back."

Sam decided to give him some space, but when the door to Castiel's room opened, he heard something that made his blood run cold. He ran to the angel's room.

Sam banged urgently on the door. "Cas? What was that?"

Cas slowly opened the door a crack. 

"Nothing. I'm doing something private. Please leave."

"You're a shit liar."

"You and Dean always say that but it has proven to be untrue on multiple occasions," Castiel quipped, somewhat resentful that his skills were repeatedly questioned.

Sam sighed, but his attention snapped back to the issue at hand when he heard the sound again.

"Damn you!" Cas hissed over his shoulder.

"Castiel, do you have a goddamn _dog_ in your room?" Sam asked, knowing the answer.

Cas sighed, swinging the door open wide and gesturing for Sam to come in and slamming the door shut. 

"Yes, Sam, I do have a 'goddamn dog' in here, obviously," he said sighing, hopelessly at the mess of tan fur panting in the corner.

"A loud dog," he added, giving the long haired mutt a pointed look. "You couldn't wait until I'd closed the door?" He said, shaking his head in disbelief. 

"I guess the warding doesn't work with the door open," Sam said. "Dean is going to be -,"

"Furious. Outraged. _Pissed_ ," Cas finished, looking at the ceiling and crossing his arms. He looked at Sam seriously. 

"This dog has no home. His previous owners cast him out like refuse on the side of the road. I healed him and cleaned him and brought him here." the angel explained. He gave the miserable looking dog a sad look and added a quiet, "Sorry. It's true."

"Then we should take him to a shelter. There is no way in _hell_ Dean's gonna let you keep him." Sam said, anxiously chewing on his thumb nail.

"Sam. Look at him," Cas said, looking miserable, eyes wide and hands open in a forlorn gesture. "This creature has never felt loved. It would be emotionally damaging for him if we cast him out too."

Sam looked at the dog, then back at Castiel.

"He does look really sad…" Sam said, looking at the dog, who whimpered adorably, "but...how are we going to sell this idea to Dean?"

"I haven't figured that out yet."

Sam knelt down and let the dog sniff his hand. It eagerly licked his palm and let him scuffle behind his ears. 

"He's really sweet," Sam said quietly with a soft laugh. 

"Yes," Cas agreed, pouring out some food for the dog. After a few moments. stroking the dog's fur, he spoke up. "I have a thought, Sam…"

"Yeah?"

"Perhaps there is someone better than you or me to convince Dean to keep the dog."

"Uh, like who? Jack?"

"No, Dean loves Jack but I think it would be quite a stretch to think he'd listen to him. But if _Eileen_ met the dog and saw her enthusiasm and thought it might better facilitate your relationship with her...he might be afraid to upset her."

"That's… sort of manipulative, Cas."

"Oh. Oh no," he said, appalled at himself. "Never mind. I don't want to take advantage of Dean. I only want to help the dog. He's quite lonely and depressed."

"Uh, no! It's a great idea, we're gonna do it. And _you_ might not want to manipulate him, but brothers are kind of like that, it's different."

"Sam, if it's wrong, we shouldn't do it."

"But it's more wrong to make the dog depressed and emotionally damaged!" Sam justified. "I mean it's worth a shot, right? He does listen to her better than either of us, he constantly wants to help me impress her… I mean, it's still a stretch, but… better to get another person on our side. I'll text her and see if she can make it before Dean gets home," he said, suddenly eager. 

He snapped a picture of the pup, now happily eating and lapping at the water Cas provided him.

\----------------------------------------------------

"Honey, I'm home!" Dean called with a laugh at himself as he walked through the bunker door. He said that everyday when he came home from work and everyday he thought it was hilarious. 

"Hello, Dean," Castiel called.

Then he heard it. The clicking of nails on the floor, followed by a bark. Dean stopped dead in his tracks on the stairs, thinking and processing. He heard some hushed whispers, then panting.

"Cas. What the fuck was that?" He said flatly. 

"Uh, come here," Cas said, sounding tense.

Dean grimaced as he stomped down the stairs and stalked into the library. There he saw Sam, Cas, and Eileen sitting on the floor smiling around a fluffy, long haired dog, who looked at Dean, tilting its head. The dog's tail was wagging even as Dean scowled down at it. 

"What is this? What the hell is this?" He said, pointing at the furry infiltrator. 

"It's...a dog, Dean," Cas said slowly, vaguely concerned about his partner.

Dean huffed in vexation. "Thank you, Captain Obvious. Yeah, I know it's a damn dog. _I mean,_ what do you think you're doing, letting a mangy mutt in the goddamned bunker?"

"Staging an intervention," Eileen said, beaming up at him as she pet the happy dog.

As Cas suspected, Dean softened, simply pursing his lips and nodding to himself at Eileen's enthusiasm. Sam winked at Cas as Dean turned around, trying to gather his thoughts. 

"Is he house trained?" Dean asked aggressively. 

Sam and Cas looked at each other in surprise. While his tone seemed to indicate frustration, the question seemed promising. 

Cas looked at Dean, regarding hin dubiously. "Yes. I explained to him how it works. He's already aware."

Dean sucked his teeth, body language and tone still irritable beyond belief. He scowled at Cas, shaking his head. "And where did you find him?"

"I was out performing miracles. He had a broken leg. His previous owners abandoned him in the middle of the road in a small town near Chicago."

"Uh-huh. And you healed him?"

Cas nodded. 

"Let me guess, you fed him?"

Cas nodded.

"And what did you name the little scamp?"

Cas looked at Sam. 

"We haven't named him yet," Sam said with a shrug, attempting a very wholesome little brother face.

Dean's anger didn't seem affected as he stared down Sam and Cas, scowling for a long moment.

"Well, I'll name him, then," Dean grated out at the three people in front of him, looking at them with frustrated disapproval. 

Dean then dropped to his knees, "How about Miracle? C'mere, boy," he said enthusiastically, breaking into a smile and whistling to the dog, much to Cas and Sam's shock. Miracle eagerly walked over to Dean, wagging his tail and licking his face.

Eileen giggled and held out a hand for a high-five to Sam, which he returned with a disbelieving smile.

Cas went over to Dean and Miracle as Sam and Eileen giggled and signed, mouthing "I can't believe it!", "I KNOW," and similar discourse.

"I thought you were angry."

"Your angel senses didn't clue you off?" Dean said, enthusiastically petting Miracle, giggling at him. 

"Well… I suppose they would have, but I wasn't paying attention. I assumed you'd be...terribly angry and I did not want to feel that, so I shut it out."

"Good to know," Dean said. "Who's a good boy? You are!" He said in a ridiculous voice, scuffling Miracle warmly before turning back to Cas. "Nah. I'm not mad. I could tell you and Sam were up to something. He was texting me while I was at work being all weird, and then you sounded guilty as hell the second I walked in the door. I put it together when I heard _his clicky lil feets! Yes I did!"_ He said, lapsing into a ridiculous voice. "Wanted to fuck with you guys a little," he said to Cas with a smug grin. He paused to snuggle into Miracle a little before letting him go. 

Miracle wagged his tail and went back over to Eileen, who enthusiastically doted on him as she and Sam went back and forth about how surprised Sam was and excited he was to have a dog.

"I didn't want a dog when we lived in motels or the Impala. But we have a home now, we can have a dog. And I had this spell thing where I was talking to a dog once and sort of _was_ a dog… Weird day. Anyway, it kinda turned me around on the pet thing," Dean said, standing up. 

Cas nodded. "I am so relieved," he sighed. 

"You really thought I was gonna come in here and bitch you out?"

"Yes."

"Nah. I like him."

"He likes the name. Miracle. He thinks it sounds nice."

"It was kind of on the fly. You said you were doing miracles when you found him, it just seemed to make sense. As long as he doesn't try to get in the Impala or pee anywhere in the bunker, Miracle is alright in my book," he said smiling. 

"You really surprised us."

"I can tell," Dean said to Cas, then raised his voice, looking at Sam, and added, "You recruited Eileen to convince me? Am I really such a hard ass?"

"Yes," Cas and Sam said at once. 

Dean rolled his eyes and waited to get Eileen's attention. "You wanna stay for dinner? Wednesday is burger night. I'm cooking. Burgers and brews?"

"Yeah, that would be nice. Thank you," she said, then beamed at Sam. 

"Alright, let me shower up and then I'll get started. I got covered in oil. There was this leaky old Crown Vic in the shop today. It was a mess," he said with a frown, showing his grease stained hands to the room. "Miracle will probably thank me, too if I clean up." It was obvious looking at him that he was a mess, but Cas loved to hear about the things that gave Dean passion and purpose or even made up his day in less significant ways. Any passing thought Dean shared, Cas savored. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Sam and Eileen turned in pretty early, which Cas found amusing because normally Dean would pester Sam endlessly about it, but apparently he was a little more restrained in Eileen's presence because he only raised an eyebrow at Sam, who gave him a sharp look and said "We're going to watch a movie, Dean." But as they walked down the hallway, Eileen turned and winked at Cas. The angel knew his people skills were rusty, but he felt pretty confident that Eileen meant to infer that they were not, in fact, going to watch a movie.

Cas and Dean cuddled up with Miracle in the Dean cave to actually watch a movie. 

"What do you think, huh, boy? All Dogs Go to Heaven? Or Homeward Bound? Huh?"

Cas observed Dean talking to Miracle in a ridiculous voice, shaking his head and tussling his fur. "He doesn't have a preference as long as we pet him." 

"Oh. Uh. Okay. I keep forgetting you can talk to him. Uh. Makes me feel kinda silly talking to him like that," Dean chuckled sheepishly. 

"He likes it when you speak to him in that voice. I cannot understand why, but he enjoys it," Cas said, shaking his head.

"Well, I'm gonna put in Homeward Bound then, and we'll pet you. We will! We'll pet you. C'mon boy!" Dean said to Miracle, sitting in the recliner and smacking his thighs to invite him to jump up. "Push your chair a little closer, Cas. You gotta pet him too. He's your dog."

Cas pushed the armchair a little closer. "No," he said as he sat down. He watched Dean sprawling on his chair, petting Miracle, trying to stream the movie.

"What do you mean, 'no'? You brought him here and saved him."

"He likes you better."

"Aw, Cas, he likes you fine. He just likes whoever's petting him at the moment best."

"No, he quite literally likes you best. He's saying as much right now."

"Yeah, yeah. Later he'll like you best when I get up and stop petting him."

They bickered for a while about who Miracle truly liked more as they watched the movie and the dog eventually settled happily between them on the joined armrests of the chairs.

A little more than halfway through the movie, Cas realized Dean was looking at him.

"What?"

"You know what this room needs, Cas?"

Cas looked around. "No, I don't," he said.

"A big couch. A really cozy one, one you could spread out on."

"Why? There's already seating."

"For sitting real close. Cuddling. And y'know… other stuff."

"There's a couch in the main living space if you would prefer."

Dean rolled his eyes. "No, like a couch for in here. This is our space. Not out there."

"I don't understand. What's the difference?"

Dean chuckled. "Nevermind, Cas. I'm just glad we're together. We can cuddle later.

\----------------------------------------------------

"'M tired. Are you gonna go out tonight or stay?"

"I'll stay tonight, I think."

"C'mon then," Dean said, taking Castiel's hand and leading him to the bedroom. Miracle tried to follow. 

"No, no, no. Getting on the armchair is one thing but getting all that fur in my covers and hogging the bed is another," Dean said to the dog, who tilted his head and made a small sound, seeming indignant.

Cas looked at Dean with pleading eyes, but didn't say anything.

"You're gonna take his side? It's my bed!"

"He's lonely and it's his first night here."

Dean crossed his arms and gave a stern look to Cas. The angel was giving him the sweetest, saddest look. For a badass with celestial fire for a heart, he could be a damn softy. 

Dean sighed. "Don't expect this all the time. I was trying to get laid tonight, dog," he relented, leaning down to scratch the dog's ears.

Cas lifted his eyebrows in interest for a tiny moment, then sighed. "That is unfortunate. I doubt Miracle would care, but I expect you wouldn't be willing to engage in intercourse in his presence."

"Dude, no. Animals always stare at you when you...y'know, fuck. It's creepy."

"I suppose," he said, stooping to look at Miracle. From his trench coat pocket, he brought out a green rubber toy bone. "Miracle, I'd like to request privacy with my partner. If I give you this, can you entertain yourself for a time? I give you my word that we'll let you in after."

Miracle whined and hesitated for a moment, but gently took the toy from Cas and laid down in the hallway.

"Good dog. Thank you. Please enjoy a treat," Cas said, pulling a milk bone out of the other pocket, then setting it gently on the floor before the fluffy, content dog.

Something about it was so endearingly awkward - here's an angel, speaking to a dog in his gravelly voice and delicately offering him toys and treats in a careful sort of way, almost like a tiny ritual. Dean couldn't help but find their unique form of domesticity, where his angel partner set out treats for their cute dog like a sacred offering before a powerful creature... endearing. 

With a nod, Cas stood up. "We have a bit of time."

Dean cast a wary glance at Miracle. "Whatever. Let's go," he said, turning abruptly away from the dog. Then he looked back. He sighed at the dog. "Hold on," he mumbled. He grabbed an extra blanket from his room and laid it in a pallet for Miracle. Dean gave him a quick tousling pet and then grabbed Castiel's hand and pulled him into his room.

Instantly, Dean pressed himself against the door and pulled Cas toward him by the tie, kissing him as he smiled into it with soft lips and lazy, lingering motions.

When the kiss broke, Dean sighed with a satisfied smile, touching his forehead to the angel's. "Never gonna get tired of that."

Cas grinned back with that lopsided tilt of his mouth he sometimes got when he was relaxed. "I'm pleased to hear that. I won't tire of it either."

"I could kiss you forever, Cas," Dean said, grinning and pulling on the tie again to bring Cas in and demonstrate, slower and more lustful. 

Cas didn't break from the kiss as he let his hands slide under Dean's overshirt to push it off his shoulders, squeezing the muscles there as he did so. Dean began to loosen Castiel's tie and he shocked it onto the floor. Cas pressed Dean more firmly against the door and broke away from the kiss, grinding his hips into the hunter, making a soft but rumbling and wanton sound against the hunter's ear. Dean's breath hitched as he tilted his head back and exposed his throat to the angel, who began sucking and biting softly at the sensitive flesh. 

There was a scratching sound at the door. Dean's eyes opened and he thumped his head back on the door. Cas paused for a moment, but they tried to ignore it after the moment passed, continuing on as if it hadn't happened, Cas back on Dean's neck and Dean grinding needily against the angel in return, making sweet noises in the scant space between them until -

Miracle barked. 

Cas sighed.

"What the hell does he want?" Dean grumbled.

"He wants to go out. And he's lonely." 

Dean grumbled, trying to pull Cas back to his neck. 

Cas sighed and took a step back instead, earning him a sulky look from the hunter. "He's a dog, Dean. He has no real concept of time."

"We should put sigils on the outside of the door too."

Cas gave him a critical look. "It won't change that he has to go out."

Dean sighed and dramatically flung the door open, looking down and furrowing his brow in frustration at Miracle, whose tail began wagging immediately. 

"He's your dog. You take him," he said. 

"I intended to. You don't have to be so obstinate and immature about it," Cas said, raising his brows in a look that made Dean cross his arms and look away.

Cas began to walk away looking at Miracle. 

"Aren't you going to put him on a leash?" Dean said, following them out into the hallway. 

Cas looked over his shoulder with a disgusted frown. "He's not stupid. No." He turned around and continued down the hallway with the dog.

Dean hesitated, frowning as he watched Cas take Miracle out of the hallway. With a sigh, he went back into his room and threw on a jacket so he could join them.

When he found them outside, Cas gave him a curious look. "I didn't think you wanted to come out," he said, tilting his head as Miracle rustled around, sniffing in the dead leaves nearby.

Dean shrugged. "I can't be mad at him. He's too cute... I just really wanted you."

Cas nodded. He glanced at Miracle briefly, then turned fully to face Dean, stepping close. 

"I want you too," he said, voice low and gravelly. It went straight to Dean's dick, twitching back to life with interest. Dean shivered, letting out a cloudy breath.

"Mm, you're cold," Cas said, embracing Dean and folding his wings around them. It seemed like he radiated heat - probably with grace, enveloping them with comfort and warmth. The hunter thought about letting Cas know that's not what had him shivering, but decided to just settle into the embrace and return it, letting the heat soak into him. 

"You smell so good," Dean murmured, closing his eyes and bringing in the scents of sweet rain and the mysterious musky scent he couldn't place but made him wild. Cas had told him a hundred times it was the pheromones from his wing oil, but he still found himself thinking about what it might resemble that he was familiar with.

"Mm, you do too," Cas said softly, resting his head on Dean's shoulder. "Are you warmer now?"

"Mmhmm. You take good care of me," Dean said, running his fingers through the warm, velvet soft feathers. He smiled, realizing it was true. Cas did do little things to make him happy and more comfortable. It felt really nice to let someone take care of him. It was what Cas had been saying all along, but it finally felt normal. It felt good. 

"I try," Cas said, not releasing the hunter from his arms until Miracle pawed gently at Cas's leg. As they all walked back inside together, Dean had the thought that "normal" felt pretty nice. 

This led him to another thought. They were in the war room when Dean suddenly grasped Cas's hand with a grin. "Cas," he said, making the angel stop and face him. He felt shy, but excited. He could feel himself blushing already. 

"Cas," he repeated, "Go on a date with me. Tomorrow. I have the day off. You said you wanted to ages ago and I never took you. Let's do what normal couples do. Let me take you out."

Cas blinked, raising his eyebrows. "I thought you said we'd never be normal."

Dean shrugged and massaged the back of his neck. "Well, I mean we won't. We aren't. You're an angel and I'm…pretty weird myself," he chuckled, shifting back and forth, grinning sheepishly. "But…this is good, what we have, right? And like you said, we deserve a happy middle and a happy ending. Let's enjoy the happy middle. You wanted a date. We can be weird people that do normal things sometimes. Well, if you wanna. Um… Do you still wanna? Go on a date, I mean."

Cas slowly broke into a lopsided grin. "Yes. I want to."

"C'mere," Dean said excitedly, pulling Cas in for a kiss, smiling into it, cupping the angel's face and chuckling softly. 

"Let's go to bed. We'll make tomorrow special."

\----------------------------------------------------

The problem with having a partner that doesn't sleep, Dean thought, is that he could never wake up early and surprise them with breakfast. Cas always beat Dean to it. The hunter figured that the benefit of having a partner that doesn't sleep is that they always woke him up with breakfast and hot coffee, which was a nice trade off and he resolved to surprise Cas with other things.

The problem with having a partner that made breakfast every morning, Dean had discovered, was that sometimes his partner got very creative with the dishes. This was sometimes nice, but this morning Cas brought him some sort of egg on an English muffin with ham under it covered in a yellow sauce and garnished with little green sprigs of something. The egg looked weird and misshapen. He could tell it was not fried or baked or hard boiled. He poked it curiously with his fork and it jiggled. Dean tried not to look dubious. This was not the sort of breakfast he was used to.

"Hey, Cas," he said, trying to sound eager and interested, "What's this, huh? Never had this before."

Cas was reading one of his romance novels at the table. He barely looked up. "Eggs Benedict."

Dean nodded, trying unsuccessfully to hide the doubt in his voice. "Mm, yeah, and what is it _made of,_ sweetheart?"

"Obviously, eggs. English muffin. Canadian bacon. Hollandaise sauce."

"Yeah, and what kind of eggs are they?"

Cas finally looked up. "They're from a hen. A female chicken. Are you well? Did you get enough sleep?" he asked, looking concerned.

"Yeah, I'm good," the hunter said, poking at the egg, "how are they cooked? They seem kinda… wobbly. You know?"

"The eggs? They're poached," Castiel said, furrowing his brow.

Dean poked it again, trying not to lift his lip in disgust. "Did you poach it… like, hard enough or long enough?"

Cas sighed, looking at him in vexation. "Just try it. I think you'll like it."

Dean scoffed. "'Course, I like all your cooking. You know that. I just wanted to check. But if you think it's done, I believe you," he blustered.

Cas rolled his eyes. He gestured at the plate, urging Dean to take a bite.

"You know undercooked eggs can kill a man, Cas. I just wanted to make sure. They're really... jiggly."

Cas shook his head and looked up at the ceiling as if praying for patience. "I have seen you eat an entire tube of uncooked cookie dough, Dean. I am uninterested in your rigidity. In any case, the eggs are fully cooked."

Dean chuckled with a roguish grin, arching an eyebrow. "Are you sure? About my rigidity? I remember it differently, I guess. See I think you seem... really _interested_ in my...rigidity," he saud with a wink.

"Eat the damn egg, Dean. Don't decide not to like things before you've tried them," Cas said, closing the book fully and giving Dean a serious look. 

Dean drew back, eyes wide. "Okay, okay! Dude, what's with you?" he groused, angrily cutting a bite of it with the side of his fork. He wanted to recoil a bit when he saw how easily the jiggly egg split and it's yolks oozed, but he didn't actually see any uncooked white. He furrowed his brow and shoved it into his mouth, expecting to have to choke it down. He chewed furiously, staring at Cas.

"Well?"

Dean swallowed and wiped some yolks off his mouth in a jerky gesture and grumbled, " _Well_... it's really fucking good, Cas," and after a moment, added a bitter "thank you". It was good. But he didn't have to be happy about that.

Cas nodded, arching an admonishing eyebrow at him, then turned back to his book.

"Where's your dog?" He said, still perturbed by the fact that he liked the eggs and Castiel's smugness about it.

"Sam and Eileen wanted to take him for a walk."

Dean grunted a sleepy acknowledgement and ate his eggs, sipping on his coffee. When he finished breakfast he had forgotten his frustrations with Cas ready, as if wiped from his mind by the caffeine in his system. 

"So, where do you want to go today? What kind of a date does an angel want to go on?" He asked cheerfully.

"I'm not sure," Cas said, looking off in thought.

Dean's face fell. He took a long sip of coffee. "Cas," he said slowly, "you asked to go on a date months ago. You had nothing in mind?"

"No. I don't know what a good date is. I just read that we were supposed to go on dates and felt concerned that we hadn't."

Dean blinked and shook his head. "Well I thought you knew what you wanted to do. It's too damn early for me to plan a day. I need more coffee," he he said, getting up to top off the mug. 

"No ideas? Nothing that sounds good at all?" Dean asked again, looking at Cas as he stood, sipping the hot coffee.

"I've never been on a date. I don't know the best way to do it," Cas explained, shrugging slightly. He had opened his book back up. 

Dean thought for a moment and nodded slightly to himself. "Y'know I guess I haven't been on that many either. Definitely not many good ones. Huh."

The hunter paced quietly around the kitchen in his pajama pants and robe, muttering to himself and sipping on the coffee periodically. 

"Help me think, Cas. You wanna go to dinner? Go to the movies? Those are classics,m. There's always a bar, but that's not very romantic, and judging by your book there I think you're looking for something a lil higher class. What sounds good?"

Cas looked at him and shook his head. "I don't know."

Dean sucked his teeth and nodded, musing. "I feel like I should have made a game plan before I asked you on a date," he said. He felt suddenly inadequate. 

_Where do you take an angel on a damn date? How can I sweep him off his feet?_ Dean thought.

The idea of taking Cas out somewhere had seemed novel, correct, exciting last night. But as he cycled through ideas, all seeming inadequate, his mouth felt dry and he felt more concerned than excited. 

"I'll be happy no matter where we go or what we do," Cas said, standing up and patting Dean reassuringly on the arm. 

"Yeah, but I want to do something special with you, sunshine. It's our first date," Dean explained. "It's supposed to be special," he muttered, "and you've been waiting for months."

"Years," Cas corrected with a chuckle, but the playful comment felt more like an insult. Dean winced as he paced.

He was feeling a sinking in the pit of his stomach. Last night it had seemed so natural, the idea of normalcy and having fun and treating Cas to something special. Now he was realizing he didn't really know much about this part of normalcy. Any dates he'd been on had been years ago at dive bars, or with Lisa doing things he didn't really care about. He paced and fidgeted as he thought about what he could take Cas to do.

Dean heard the bunker door creak open as Sam and Eileen came back in. He looked at Cas and held a finger up, saying "hold on!" before he took off to meet Sam halfway up the stairs. 

"Sam! I need your help. I fucked up," Dean whispered fretfully.

"Whoa, okay. What happened?" Sam said, looking around in bafflement. 

"I asked Cas on a date. He wanted to go on a date a while ago, so I asked him, y'know? But I don't know where to take him! And he doesn't have any ideas. Where do you guys go?" Dean babbled, looking between Eileen and Sam.

Eileen signed something with a soft smile to Sam, who chuckled at Dean. 

"Hey! Sam this is no time to crack up, man," Dean hissed, grabbing Sam's hand. "It's our first date. And he's never been on one. I can't let him down, okay? Give me some ideas, dammit!" he whispered in a harsh tone, eyes wide. 

"It's okay, it's okay, Dean," Sam chuckled, trying to reassure his brother with a pat on the shoulder.

"No it's _not_ okay, Sammy! I asked him last night and now I'm freaking out because I woke up this morning and realized I have _no idea_ where the hell to take him," Dean grumbled, shrugging Sam's hand away in frustration, "I don't know how to do this! I've never taken anyone on a real date!"

"Okay, let's go down the stairs and just sit down. Breathe, dude," Sam said, gently urging Dean down the stairs and trying to get him to sit, exchanging an amused look with Eileen as they came the rest of the way down the stairs. "You get so worked up about Cas, but he's easy to please. He loves you as much as you love him, you know."

As Dean sat in a chair fidgeting, Eileen came around and stopped to meet his eye. "Anyone can see it. He really does love you. And we know you love him too. So does he," she said with a sweet smile. She patted his shoulder comfortingly, and Dean sighed.

"Yeah, I know. I know," he said a little calmer. "I just wanna keep him happy. He's never been happy before. No fucking pressure. Where do you take an _angel_?"

Cas had been fed up with being consigned to the kitchen, and had been listening in. Slowly, he'd inched into the war room, feeling pulled by the waves of anxiety rolling off his righteous man. Eileen tried to gesture at him to go back, but he shook his head. He slowly came toward Dean, who was turned away from him, rambling. Sam gave him a look out of the corner of his eye, but focused back on Dean, who was still demanding good date ideas from Sam.

"Sammy, I can't take him on a good date. He's taken me outside this plane of fucking _existence_ -," (this was met with a concerned look from Sam who asked "what?", but Dean ignored him), "he's huge and crazy gorgeous and he's made of light and fire," - at this point Sam's eyebrows were lifted nearly to his hairline and his face made it evident he had no idea what Dean was talking about - "and there's no place I can think of to take him that's gonna impress him. I don't know. How can I compete with that, Sammy? Help me at least try. Where do you guys go?"

Cas closed the distance between them with a hand on Dean's shoulder. The hunter startled at the contact, but adjusted quickly, clasping a hand over Castiel's and turning to look up at him with a sheepish, anxious expression. 

"Dean," Cas said looking at him sympathetically, "perhaps you would feel less concerned if you remembered I don't _want_ to compete with you. I left Heaven and the celestial existence for the most part. Specifically _because_ I wanted to experience this," he said, gesturing to the room and to Dean, "human life. With you."

Dean sighed. "Yeah, but-,"

Cas simply shook his head. "No. What I'm trying to explain is that your human behaviors and experiences are just as exotic and interesting to me as seeing my true form or flying or seeing my wings are to you."

The angel was looking down at him with the softest expression. The warmth and weight of his hand on Dean's shoulder felt like an anchor back to reality. Almost instantly the hunter felt the pit in his stomach dissolve. 

Dean felt silly. He laughed at himself. He knew Cas inside and out. They knew each other more than a normal couple ever could - they knew each other's souls and innermost thoughts. Cas didn't care about this shit. He just wanted to try something new. It didn't have to be perfect or fancy. 

"I guess I was overthinking it, huh?" Dean chuckled. Cas nodded with a smile. 

Sam and Eileen had backed up slightly as Cas approached, letting him take the lead, which proved to be a good thing, Sam thought, since Cas had calmed him down already. Sam wasn't really used to Dean letting out his emotions to anyone, even little things. Normally he could tell Dean was on edge, but he was just snappy and wound tight without giving any reason. This had been a pretty new thing, just in the past few months, and certainly it had increased exponentially over the past few weeks in particular. Mostly, he expressed good things - gratitude, happiness, pride, affection - this was the first time he had come to Sam instantly telling him what was wrong and seeking help. It was a small problem, but there was such genuine concern over it in his eyes. Sam wondered if this was how Dean had always felt about things and he just never felt safe enough to say so before. The new expressiveness in his brother felt unusual to Sam, almost vaguely concerning - but he knew it was a good thing. Still, Sam was glad Cas seemed to know just what Dean needed to hear. 

Dean let out a breath, patting Cas's hand and then turning around with a slight glance back at Sam and Eileen, looking a little embarrassed but not enough to stop him from pulling Cas into a hug. "Okay. I didn't mean to freak out, darlin'," he muttered into the crook of the angel's neck, eyes closed. Cas whispered reassurances to his righteous man until he felt the waves of worry still. 

Sam and Eileen quietly walked toward the library to give them space.

_"Cas and Dean are really good together,"_ Eileen signed. 

"Yeah. I've never seen Dean like this with anyone else. He cares a lot about Cas and I can tell Cas loves him too," Sam responded, whispering along with his slow signing. He was getting pretty good at it. "Dean is actually talking about his feelings. Never used to do that." 

She smiled at him. _"Good to see two people so in love."_

"They've been in love for… years. I'm just glad they admitted it. I didn't think Dean would ever admit he was into guys, forget his best friend."

To Sam's surprise, Eileen laughed with a dubious look.

"What?"

_"Nothing. Just always got a feeling from him. Are you sure he never mentioned anything?"_

"Mentioned… what? Being into guys?"

Eileen nodded, tilting her head with a grin. 

"No. He never said anything."

She shrugged. _"Weird. Okay."_

Sam blinked and wondered if maybe Dean had been trying to tell him through the years and he just never realized. Sam had eventually picked up on the fact that Dean was attracted to men, and he was confident his brother was bi. But he didn't think Dean had been aware, much less that he may have acted on it. It made him dizzy to wonder about all the strange, stilted flirtations and long absences -

"Oh my god," Sam whispered, "I thought he didn't know."

_"Why did you think that? He's with a man_ **_right now_** _,"_ she said, then gestured to them. 

"Well yeah, but I figured Dean was, I dunno...repressed, so he would have focused on how angels are genderless."

Eileen smiled and shook her head, but said no more. 

He turned to Eileen. "He really does love him."

_"Which one?"_ She asked.

Sam looked between the two, who were oblivious to the world, talking and standing close with the warmest happiest smiles on their faces as they planned their date, Cas still reassuringly gripping Dean's shoulder. 

"Well… both," Sam said with a warm smile, and maybe just a little teary eyed. Eileen grabbed his hand with a grin, pulling him away, and they left Dean and Cas to their discussion.

\---------------------------------------------------

They had settled on dinner. Going on a date should mean going out, Dean had told Cas. This was partly because he was determined to make sure Cas damn well knew Dean wasn't ashamed of him. He knew that Cas didn't think that, but he wasn't about to let doubt sink in. They were going to a local steakhouse. That was a little nicer than their usual fare, but not so much so that either of them would feel like a fish out of water. What did have them both a little excitedly nervous is that they decided to dress nicely. However, Cas wasn't sure what that really meant. 

After dinner, Dean planned to take Cas into the garden, however cold it might be. He had recently brought in some paving stones and after their chat this morning there was still plenty of time before he needed to get ready. He resolved to finish up a small fire pit today. He'd been wanting to do this for a little while. He did mentally note that the garden was getting a little crowded. He might need to clear a little more of the brush and define a perimeter, but for today, he just dug a small circle a few inches deep and filled it with stone, then put larger brick paving stones around the outside. He'd brought Miracle out with him, who was sniffing around the leaves nearby.

"What are you doing?"

Dean looked up, surprised. "Oh, hey Sammy. Didn't expect to see you up here. I'm making a firepit. Thought Cas and I might, I dunno, look at the stars or some shit after dinner," he said, grunting as he moved the pavers.

Sam nodded. "Do you need help?"

"Nah. Almost done. Hey… uh, sorry I freaked out on you and Eileen earlier. I was overreacting," Dean muttered sheepishly. Sam came a little closer, and put his arm on Dean's to stop him from grabbing another paver. His brother looked at him, confused. 

"Hey - it's okay. It's all okay. I'm glad you knew you could come to me. I know I didn't help much, but I'll always listen."

Dean smiled. "I know ya will, Sammy." He turned to continue his work, but Sam stopped him.

"No, Dean. Really. I'll always listen. And when I say it's all okay, I mean all of it - everything. I'm really proud of you. You've been a lot more… real these past few months."

Dean's face darkened and he forced a smile. "Yeah, I mean, Chuck is gone. We're all more real."

"No, that's not it. You and Cas, for one. But also you just being you. Your job, learning guitar, making this," he said, gesturing to the garden and the firepit, "and you've been so much happier and more open. I'm proud of you, man."

Dean sniffed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Not your job to be proud of me," he mumbled, "I'm - I'm proud of you. Sammy, you're a good man." He said, looking his little brother in the eye, wondering what exactly triggered this bizarre heart to heart.

"Thanks," Sam said with a smile. "I feel like I've learned more about you lately. Stuff I never knew before."

Dean scoffed, grabbing the paver Sam had been distracting him from. "Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Just… you actually came to me and told me what was going on in your head today. You actually asked me for help."

"Yeah, I already said I'm sorry, Sam," Dean grumbled. 

"But you shouldn't be. Dude, that's a good thing."

Dean looked at him, hesitating for a moment before gently kicking the pavers into place. "Okay," he said, grimacing.

"Really. It felt good you trusted me with your feelings. Not just the good ones, but the scary overwhelming ones too."

Dean nodded, but his mouth was a flat line, eyes blank.

"Can I tell you something too? Trust you with it?" Sam asked softly.

That pulled Dean back in. His body language opened back up and his face softened as he nodded. 

"I think I want to propose to Eileen. I know we haven't been together-," 

Sam was violently interrupted by the intense impact of a tight hug that stole all the air from his lungs.

"Sammy! Really? Really?" Dean was chuckling and beaming as he let Sam loose from the hug, making dramatic, happy gestures with his hands.

"Yeah, yeah, really!" Sam laughed. "She makes me smile, all the time. Like, every day. She's strong and stubborn and tough… and beautiful. She's smart and independent...and I just… I don't want to spend much more time waking up without her beside me." He gave Dean a saccharine-sweet smile, teary eyed.

Dean gave Sam another brutal, overexcited hug. "Sammy, I'm so happy for you guys, really," Dean was saying, smacking his back. When he finally released Sam, he asked, "When?"

"I don't know. In the next few months I think. I wanna plan it out and get things right."

"That's fucking awesome, dude. Eileen is awesome. I love seeing you guys together. She's good for you."

"I'm worried she'll say no," Sam admitted with a grimace, swaying on his feet a little.

"She's not gonna say no. No way. I've seen the way she looks at you. She's gonna say yes," Dean said, sniffling and wiping at his eyes with a grin. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, man."

"Well, I've seen the way you and Cas look at each other. That's pretty special too."

Dean smiled and wiped more vigorously at his eyes. "Uh, yeah," he said, voice thick, "what we have is pretty special."

Sam wrapped Dean in a hug this time. "You deserve someone that cares so much. It's good to see you actually happy. Actually yourself."

"Yeah, yeah. Likewise," Dean said. His voice was sarcastic, but he didn't pull away from the hug. 

"I'm proud of you, Sam," he said, letting him go, giving him an earnest look. He didn't hold it for long, though, because his eyes stung with happy tears.

Sam chuckled. "Yeah, yeah. Likewise. Jerk."

Dean smiled _. "Bitch,"_ he signed.

"Cas is making lunch, by the way. He's trying to get Eileen to help him, but I don't think it's going to work. He's frustrated because she wants to microwave everything." 

"Alright, Miracle and me will be in soon. Just gotta gather some wood and kindling so I dont freeze my ass off tonight."

\----------------------------------------------------

"Sam," Cas whispered later that afternoon, urgently pulling the hunter aside. "I need your help."

"What's up Cas?"

"I have never been on a date."

Sam nodded. "Yeah. I'm excited for you guys."

"I don't know what to wear. Dean said we were supposed to ‘look nice’. And I have no other clothes." Cas looked at him with a serious concern. 

Sam nodded. "Okay, I see. It's okay, Cas. You can borrow some of Dean's clothes."

Cas gave him a puzzled look. "We're supposed to surprise each other."

"Oh, trust me Cas. He'll like it and he'll be very surprised," Sam said with an eyeroll. 

"I'll help you, come on." 

They went into Dean's room - which was basically Cas's room too - and Miracle followed. 

Sam got into the dresser drawer and pulled out a pair of dark wash jeans. He looked them over, then handed them to Cas. "These will look good."

Cas nodded, looking serious. 

Sam turned and got into the closet. "He won't like that I pilfered through his stuff, so just maybe let him think you did this if he asks?"

"Alright," Cas said, not fully understanding why Dean would care. Cas went through his belongings all the time, and always had. It was a good way to learn about someone in his mind. 

"Hmm… yeah. This… and with this t-shirt," Sam mumbled to himself. He turned around and gave Cas a faded black Led Zeppelin t-shirt. It was one of Dean's favorites, it had the outline of an angel. It was the United States 1977 tour shirt, and though he'd picked it up at a thrift store, if you asked him he would assure you he had utter faith that it was a genuine vintage original. 

"Wear this one under this," Sam said, handing him a solid red button down, "and don't button it."

"Why?" Cas asked. 

"He'll like it, Cas. Oh, and you usually put your necklace inside your shirt - wear it over the t-shirt. He'll like that too," he said, patting Cas on the shoulder. "Uhh, what size shoe do you wear?"

Cas blinked at him. He took off his shoe and looked inside. "Eleven."

"Dean's an eleven and a half, so that should be fine for a night out. You can just grab a pair of his shoes."

"What if this was what he was going to wear? What if he gets angry?"

"He won't."

Miracle hopped onto the bed and licked at Castiel's palm. 

" _That_ might piss him off though."

Cas looked at him. "Hmm? Oh, no. He slept with us last night."

"What? Wow."

Cas just nodded. "Dean has embraced pet ownership quite fondly," he said, petting Miracle gently. 

"Who woulda guessed?"

"Not me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, on to part two (it's posted)! I just literally chopped the chapter in half. I don't even know why it just felt like if I kept letting my chapters get super long someone would riot lol.
> 
> Relevant details from Dean's Birthday Interlude:
> 
> -Sam, Eileen, Jack, and Cas threw a surprise party for Dean
> 
> -Cas restored his handprint on Dean's shoulder 
> 
> -Dean has figured out how to initiate mental/telepathic communication with Cas in brief moments due to their soul bonding experience in Ch 11.


	13. Love Always Trusts, and It's Easy to Trust You (Pt 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the same chapter (I know, probably cringey. It just seemed right).
> 
> Dean and Cas go on their date. There's a hiccup, but then they have a great time and Dean realizes more than ever that he can really be himself and have it all.
> 
> After they get home, Dean gives Cas a surprise by the fire and they have an afterglow-y talk about kinks.
> 
> CW//brief homophobia (which is immediately squashed) 
> 
> CW//consensual choking/breathplay

Dean walked into the shower room. 

_I am forty two years old. There is no reason to be giddy like a kid at Christmas over a date with my partner who I've already been with for several months,_ he told himself. 

But it did nothing to wipe the smile from his face as he carefully laid out the clothes he planned to wear and shucked off his layers of dirty clothes, throwing them into the laundry basket.

As he showered, he got more excited, realizing Cas could taste things now. So going out to dinner was going to be a new experience for him. Not that Cas couldn't cook something better - he was, as in all things, a quick study - but there were still a lot of foods he'd never tried. 

He got caught up imagining Castiel's face when he tasted something rich, like a nice, well marbled steak. How his eyebrows would raise and he'd make that thoughtful face as he chewed. He imagined Cas's lips wrapping around a spoon of dessert and the gratified sound he'd make as he tasted the sugary sweet food. 

He began to realize he was excited for this date. Really, really excited. 

After his shower, he put on the clothes. He couldn't find his favorite jeans but he had another pair that were similar. He put on a plain white t-shirt and buttoned a dark blue shirt over it except the top two buttons. He tucked it in. Then he untucked it. He decided he preferred it the other way and tucked it back in. He put on a watch and a thick silver ring he hadn't worn in a while. He always liked jewelry, but had stopped wearing most of it for efficiency sake when he was younger. But it was a special occasion, and he wanted to look nice. He fussed with his hair for too long. He put on a scant spritz of body spray - he wasn't one to overdo it. Cas would probably not notice or care, but he did it anyway. 

_Alright, Winchester. Enough fucking around. Go get your man_ , he told himself, looking in the mirror with a smile and a pair of finger guns.

\----------------------------------------------------

As excited as he was, he felt a bit panicky as he emerged from the shower room. 

_Jesus, Winchester. You've seen his true form. You've literally mind-melded with him. Calm down._

He took a deep breath. _It's Cas. It's just Cas._ He mused for a moment that the phrase had become a soothing mantra to him. He remembered when the first met that Cas had put him on edge, to put it mildly. Things couldn't be more different now.

He focused on the excitement and closed his eyes, letting the worry wash away. He found that normal interactions and situations were more frightening to him in many ways than the constant literal life-or-death he had lived for so long. Maybe because his fight-or-flight instinct didn't know what to do when he was fighting for happiness rather than fighting a monster. It didn't matter now. He was going to do something normal and fun and be happy with Cas. He was determined. 

He walked out to the war room. Eileen was helping Cas roll up his sleeves and straightening his collar. Cas looked good. Really fucking good. He filled out Dean's clothes in a completely different, super delicious way. Dean's eyes lingered over the taut stretch of the dark jeans over his muscled thighs, the way that Dean's shirt sleeves were fitted to his strong upper arms - and he looked really good in red. All this was good enough, but framed by his huge dark wings, he looked truly amazing. 

Dean let out a wolf whistle - which earned him a confused look from Cas and had Miracle trotting happily up to him, impatient to be pet. Dean leaned down to scuffle the dog's head and made his way over to Cas. When the angel had spotted him, all the feathers puffed up in appreciation and he smiled. Eileen backed away a bit, smiling at the two of them.

"Damn, Cas. You should wear my clothes more often. You look good, sweetheart," he said, beaming at the angel. He clashed his hands on Cas's shoulders and looked at him, a slow up and down. 

"Again, lemme say," and Dean wolf whistled again. 

"Why do you keep whistling like that?" Castiel asked, brow furrowed. 

"It's a way of saying you're smoking hot. You look awesome."

Cas looked down at his clothing. "Thank you," he said with a slightly awkward nod. Cas wasn't sure how a whistle would convey that, but he decided Dean would know better than he.

Dean looked up and saw Sam and Eileen looking all gooey and mushy at them. He blushed. "What're you lookin' at? You're both just as bad. Stop it," he said, trying to sound admonishing but breaking into a sheepish grin.

He kissed Cas's cheek and then offered him his arm. Cas stared at his bent elbow. "What do I do now?" He asked with a pensive look.

"I - you just - here, " Dean stammered, then grasped Cas's arm and rested it on his own forearm. The hunter blushed. He knew he was being completely passe and just cheesy as all hell, but it was Castiel's first date. If he liked all the romance novels and telenovelas, Dean was going to make it special, even though he knew he was going to catch hell from Sam for it later.

"Don't stay out too late," Eileen said as they turned to go. 

"Use protection!" Sam called. Cas turned back, twirling his angel blade for a moment before Dean flipped Sam off and pulled him away, sticking his tongue out at his brother, who was laughing his ass off, before walking into the garage.

Dean rushed to open the car door for Cas. 

"Why are you doing that? I know how to open the door. I've done it many times," Cas asked, tilting his head.

"Uh… I dunno. Guys just do this for their date. It's a sign of respect. I think? You're just supposed to... If you really like the person. Actually, I don't know why."

Cas contemplated this for a moment, then slowly walked over and opened the driver's side door with a curious look as Dean watched in bafflement. With a very poignant and earnest expression, he said, "I like and respect you, too, Dean."

"Uh, that's not - you know what? Okay. Thanks, Cas. Thanks bud. Kind of a weird tradition, huh? Maybe we should make our own traditions as we go along. Doesn't make much sense, now that I think about it."

Cas nodded and came back to the passenger side of the car. They got in and Dean started the car up. "You know, if you want you can… pick the music tonight," Dean said, swallowing hard. He knew the odds were pretty decent Cas was going to pick something utterly awful. To his surprise, Cas thumbed through the option and put in a Blue Oyster Cult tape as they drove.

"You look really good in my clothes," Dean said again, lifting an eyebrow as he gave Cas another once over. He really couldn't get enough of it.

"Um, thank you. You look good in your clothes as well," Cas said. Dean chuckled. 

They chatted lightly on the drive to the restaurant, about Dean's job, about Castiel's miracles, and about their new dog, Miracle as well. It was happy and relaxed. 

When they arrived, Dean grabbed Cas's hand with a nervous smile and they walked into the steakhouse together. It had a sort of western aesthetic, although it seemed nice. It wasn't the height of luxury, but it wasn't diner food either.

They approached the host, a bored looking young guy. 

"Table for two, please," Dean said with a smile. The kid barely looked up from his phone, tossing out two menus and walking them to a table without saying a word. 

"Okay," Dean muttered, irritated, as he walked away. But he focused on the angel in front of him and suddenly his frustration melted away. Cas seemed a little nervous and quiet tonight. Dean grinned, seeing him in the Zepp shirt and seeing the necklace hanging from his neck. The sleeves of the overshirt were rolled up to expose his forearms and Dean loved that. 

"Welcome to Buffalo Roam, fellas, my name is Karen, what can I get you to drink?" A peppy waitress said, bouncing up to the table.

"Can I get a… whatever you have on tap I guess, please?" Dean asked. 

"Sure thing, cutie," she said with a wink. Then she hesitated as she eyed hin. scribbling on her pad. "Hey, didn't you work on my brother's car last week? I remember you." 

"Oh, uh, maybe so. I work on a lot of cars. That's my job," he said with an awkward chuckle. 

"Mmhmm. Bet you're good at it too," she giggled. She turned to Cas. "What can I get you?" She asked him.

"I'll… have a root beer, please. That sounds nice to try," he said. 

"Sure thing. So what brings you fellas here tonight?" She said, chipper. 

"We are on a date," Cas said, opening the menu with a smile.

Her face fell. Then it snapped to Dean. "I didn't know you were gay. You seemed awful flirty last week," she said, frowning.

Dean felt heat in his cheeks. "I'm not gay, so maybe I was flirting with you last week. But this is my _partner_. So flirting, maybe. Anything more was never gonna happen." Dean felt panic gripping him in a couple of different ways. He should have known they couldn't go out together here, he thought, chastising himself. And now Cas was going to think he was fooling around on him.

"If you're not gay, why're you here with a _man_?" She asked, offended, casting a disgusted look at the two of them. Cas gave her a serious look - if she was a demon Dean might think he was on the verge of smiting.

Dean clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists, digging his fingernails deep into his palms. "I don't have to explain myself - or my partner - to anyone!" Dean said, voice raised, "But if you just gotta know, I'm _bisexual_ ," he grated out, temper rising. Other customers were looking at them now.

Cas grabbed his hand, feeling the rage boiling within his righteous man. 

Dean had never said the word out loud before. He knew, of course, but his previous encounters with men had been quick and dirty and hadn't left a lot of room for discussion. As pissed as he was, it felt good to say it. He looked at Cas suddenly and whispered again, "I'm bisexual."

Cas nodded, looking concerned. He patted the back of his lover's hand. "Dean, it's all perfectly fine. I know how to fix this. I worked customer service for a while," he said. He gave a venomous, tight lipped grin to the waitress. "Karen, please bring the manager out. We would very much like to speak with them."

She scoffed and walked off, ponytail bobbing behind her. "SARAH, SOME CUSTOMERS WANNA TALK WITH YOU," she shouted as she walked back into the kitchen.

"I don't even remember her Cas, I swear. I maybe did flirt but, honestly, on my life, I would never do that to you, I would never do anything with anyone but you. I'm yours, completely. Cas, I-,"

Cas reached out a hand and put a finger to Dean's lips. "Dean," he interrupted, smiling, "I know. I trust you."

"You're not mad?"

Cas chuckled. "You flirt. You primp and preen. It's what you do. But I _trust_ you. I know you completely. You didn't have to _tell_ me you would never dishonor me. I already know. I do not care who you flirt with," he said, then leaned in close, "because we both know you're _mine_." The possessive rumble on the last word made the hunter shiver deliciously. "But am I mad? Yes. At her. She's being closed-minded and judgemental. I can see her sins - which are many, each much more grievous than simply loving someone, which is not a sin at all," he scoffed, "And her customer service is atrocious."

Relief flooded Dean's mind and body. He had been terrified that Cas was going to think he was a cheater or that he didn't want to be with him. But here he was, supportive and sweet. 

"Guess we've learned a little since the succubus thing," Dean muttered.

"Yes. A little," Cas said wryly, "a side effect of joining your soul and my grace, I believe. You erased my doubt. It makes it hard to feel jealousy."

Finally, a blonde woman in a button down shirt came out of the kitchen with their drinks.

"Hello, gentlemen, Karen is telling me you asked to see me. What seems to be the issue?" She asked.

Cas spoke up. "We would like a different waiter. Karen has made us feel uncomfortable with her comments and demeanor about our homosexual relationship."

Dean tilted his head for a moment with a slightly bewildered look, but then nodded at Sarah in agreement. Cas may be a little blunt, but he wasn't wrong. 

Sarah's eyebrows shot up. "I see. That is a problem. One moment," she said, walking away. She came back with Karen in tow. "These fine gentlemen tell me you made them uncomfortable. That you made a comment about their relationship?"

Karen crossed her arms. "Maybe I did. That one was leading me on," she said, snapped her head to gesture at Dean. 

Dean frowned at her and shook his head. "I didn't lead you anywhere. I maybe smiled at you and told you that you looked nice or somethin'. I'm committed to _him_ ," Dean said, pointing at Cas. 

Sarah sucked her teeth and nodded. "Well Karen, I'd like to show you a picture. You remember me talking about my spouse?"

"Yeah, Tony. He works for a dentist."

Sarah showed her a picture from her wallet. "Yeah, Toni. _She's_ a dental hygienist."

"Oh shit," she said, eyes wide with the realization she had fucked up.

"And you, Karen, are fired."

Dean knew it was immature, but he laughed loudly at Karen as she tore off her apron and stalked off.

"We don't tolerate that here. I'm so sorry. Everything is in the house tonight. I own this place. We don't do bigotry."

She gave them some time to look over the menu. 

"Cas, I'm bisexual. I'm bi," Dean said with a sense of wonderment. 

Cas furrowed his brow and nodded. "Yes, you are. I thought you seemed aware of that." 

"I mean yeah, I am, uh... but I've never said that out loud. It feels good."

"You removed yourself from the closet for the first time to a rude waiter?"

"Came out. I guess so," he said, huffing a muted chuckle of disbelief. "I mean, I wasn't trying to keep it secret. Obviously, " he said, gesturing to Cas, "But I've never actually talked about it with anyone. I mean, all our friends have seen you and me together now, but I never… talked about it with any of them."

Cas smiled softly, putting a hand over Dean's. "You are bisexual. And I encourage you to talk about that as much or as little as you like with as many or as few people as you like. Those who love you already understand you. Those who would judge you don't deserve to know you. You were right, you know. You don't owe anyone an explanation. But if it feels good to say it, I think that's good."

Dean couldn't help the dopey smile on his face. "Yeah. Fuck the haters."

They held a gaze, holding hands fir a few moments. Then Cas nodded slowly, turning back to the menu. "What should I order? I don't know what's good."

"Hm, I'm getting the sixteen ounce ribeye. Rare, duh. Baked potato, loaded. And um… corn, I guess."

"That's a great deal of food."

"Yeah, and it's on the house because of Bitchy McJudgement, so I'm gonna eat it all and then get dessert," he said, snapping the menu shut with a grin.

Cas sighed. "I don't know what I like yet."

"Huh. Well, you like garlic. They have garlic mashed potatoes. That could be a side. And they have smothered beef tips. You like onions. You'd probably like that." 

Cas nodded thoughtfully. "The beef is smothered in onions?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, and like a gravy thing."

"A roux?"

"...Cas, I have no idea."

Sarah took their orders and the night progressed. The couple talked and laughed easily. Dean was worried at one point that one of the other customers might have something to say, but if so they kept it to themselves. Dean winked dramatically Cas as he used his foot to stroke along the angel's lower leg, which made Cas smile shyly. 

Dean was thrilled by the variety of pies offered, choosing a banana cream pie. While Cas decided cheesecake sounded good to try. He didn't like the wet, mushy feeling of it, however, and ended up giving it to Dean.

When they left, Dean grabbed his hand in the parking lot and pulled him close, cupping the angel's hand in both of his own against his chest like something precious. 

Dean took a deep breath. "Cas...you make me brave. I've faced a lotta shit in my life. Scary shit. But I never looked at the things inside _me_ that I didn't understand. Things that scared me more than monsters. And you… you helped me realize they _aren't_ bad… They're not so scary at all."

Cas smiled. "No, they aren't. The things inside you that you used to be afraid of… they are all made of love. It's all love," he said with a wistful smile, spreading his hand out over Dean's heart affectionately. 

Dean kissed Cas then, soft and smiling. There was a certain freedom he felt, blooming from within him. Here he was, in public, with his partner who loved him, smooching the hell out of him. And he wasn't afraid. And he wasn't sorry. He felt awesome. Fucking awesome. 

When the kiss ended breathlessly, Cas pulled him close and whispered "Dean. Take me home now," low and gravelly in his ear. 

"Yes sir," Dean said with a shaky exhale, beaming. 

"Dean!" A voice called. Dean's stomach dropped, but he smiled anyway as he looked over Castiel's shoulder. It was a coworker of Dean's, a stout, strong looking man with joyful eyes and a thick dark beard.

"Sorry to interrupt. I saw the car and recognized it before I recognized you. Sure is a beaut!"

"Oh, hey man. How are ya?" Dean said, reaching out a hand in greeting, trying not to let the icy pit in his stomach overrule the pride and love he'd just been expressing. 

"Cas, this is Luke. We work together at the shop. Luke, this is Cas. My partner," he said, trying to hide his apprehension. 

Luke shook his hand and then reached to shake Cas's.

"This is the Cas you can't shut up about, huh? Little bit different than I imagined - manlier," Luke said with a grin. He turned to Cas. "He talks about you all the time. 'Cas did this', 'Cas cooked that', 'Cas said this'. He's smitten over you."

"Yep. Cas is my man," Dean said, pulling Cas close to him by slinging an arm over his shoulder, beaming. The sudden anxiety in his stomach at seeing a familiar face disappeared. Luke didn't care, so why should he? "Pretty lucky. Blessed even," Dean muttered.

"That's pretty sweet. So sweet in fact, you're gonna put me in a diabetic coma just looking at you two. Well, it was nice to meet ya, Cas. See you tomorrow, Campbell."

"Yep! Have a good night," Dean said, opening the car door and ducking inside. Cas got in after him. They sat there for a moment, Dean practically vibrating with energy, tapping his hands on the wheel a few times.

"Cas, I'm bisexual, and that's awesome."

The angel gave him the puzzled look again, this time paired with a bemused grin. "Yes, you are. It is 'awesome'. It's excellent news for me."

"Yeah. Yeah. C'mere," he said, grinning, pulling Cas into a kiss that was full of passion and excitement, unrestrained and unguarded. Dean's hand cradled the back of Castiel's head, fingers curling through his soft hair, breathing him in and relaxing into it. Dean's other hand touched the angel's face, stroking the scruff. Dean's breath became heavier and he deepened the kiss. 

Castiel's hands came up to Dean's face, gently cupping it. Castiel felt surprised at the relief he felt for himself. He had been quietly worried that Dean wouldn't be able to enjoy a normal life, like he deserved, with Cas - not only in a male vessel, but also an angel, inhuman and unable to assimilate. He had more and more evidence that it was not the case, and tonight, it felt like he could breathe more freely, a fear he had not given voice to, had been let go.

Dean pulled away from Cas's mouth, breathing out with a soft sound as he dragged his lips gently down Cas's neck. 

"Dean," Cas whispered, his voice rapturous and wrecked.

"I want you," Dean breathed in a hushed voice.

Cas groaned as Dean's tongue lapped at the sensitive skin of his neck. 

"You promised me s'mores."

Dean broke away laughing. "Alright, I hear you. I hear you." He started up the car and they headed home, hearts a little lighter than when they arrived. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Dean had prepped the fire earlier, so it didn't take long to get it going. He gathered up the ingredients for the s'mores and had Cas sit by the fire. 

"You're a good cook, Cas. But it takes a little extra skill to make a good s'more. Let me show you," Dean said with a smile, putting the marshmallows on the sticks, and handing one to Cas. 

He explained how to roast them perfectly and showed him how to sandwich the marshmallows between the graham crackers and chocolate. Cas went to take a bite, but Dean touched his hand. 

"Not yet. You gotta wait for the chocolate to get a little melty. Just a couple seconds."

Cas picked up s'more delicately between his index finger and his thumb carefully eyeing it. Dean took it from him.

"Open up," Dean said with a mischievous glint in his eyes, licking his own lips. Castiel gave him a challenging look, lifting one brow, but opened his mouth after a moment. Dean fed him the s'more with a shaky breath and a gratified chuckle. 

Cas bit into it, making a surprised noise when the chocolate and marshmallow squished out of the crackers. He pulled away a messy bite, eyes wide at the stretchy strings of marshmallow. He giggled - a magical sound to Dean - and wiped a finger through the mess. Dean grabbed his hand and licked it clean. 

This normally would have gotten Castiel's interest. But now, he let Dean lick his fingers but paid him almost no mind, instead grabbing the s'more eagerly from his other hand and taking another bite. 

"Mmm," Cas said with a sticky sounding chuckle, his feathers prickling with satisfied interest. "It's very good. I like this very much," he said, chuckling excitedly and nodding, his eyes wide. 

Dean wanted to complain that his efforts were being ignored, but instead he just thought, _He's fucking adorable._

"Give me another marshmallow," the angel commanded, readying the plate with the components. Dean chuckled and gave him one. 

Cas began roasting it with the careful determination of a warrior of God. With that level of focus, he looked like at any moment he could snap and smite something. It was kind of endearing and...kind of hot, Dean thought. He was always turned on by his partner's general badassness. With a sigh, Dean admitted to himself he was clearly not going to get any attention until Cas's s'more craving had been satisfied, so he decided to make another for himself.

Dean ended up eating three, but Cas ate the rest of the marshmallows, running out of the chocolate well before he polished off the bag. 

"Dude, how can you even eat that much stuff? Where does all it go?"

Cas made a flippant gesture. "I just use my grace to dissolve the matter and return it to the earth as energy. My vessel has no need for it."

Dean just blinked and shook his head in disbelief, but turned back to Cas, smiling at how precious he was.

"Ah, look at that, Cas," he said suddenly, leaning close to the angel in the fire light. "You still got some marshmallow right," - he placed a kiss on the corner of the angel's mouth -, "there."

"Oh?"

"Mmhm. Let me help you with that." 

Dean dove in for a kiss and blessedly, his efforts were reciprocated with passionate fervor. 

Cas was nipping tenderly at the hunter's lower lip, then softly tracing his fingers along Dean's jaw as his tongue sought entrance into the sweet warmth of his mouth that still tasted of smoky marshmallow. He had Dean helpless in his hands in moments, and that made him smile into the kiss, feeling victorious.

Then Dean was pulling him backwards on top of him onto the ground by the fire and Cas was all too eager to comply, grinding down on his hunter, making him groan. 

"Dean," Cas gasped. 

Dean looked up at him, his blue eyes seeming nearly black in the low light of the flame and with his pupils blown so wide. The oil slick iridescent sheen of his feathers stood out boldly on the side closest to the fire, while the other wing seemed to bleed to the night sky on the other side.

"Cas…" Dean whispered, grasping his face, taken in by the angel's striking features, his strong cheekbones and sharp nose, the way his brow bone was so beautifully highlighted and shadowed in the flickering dull light of the fire.

"Cas, man, I love you. I'm proud of you. Of this, what we have. Proud of us," he said, swallowing hard, fighting the blush on his cheeks and the enormous swelling of his heart, thudding in his chest like a violent drum. 

_One day I'm gonna be able to say it and it's not gonna scare me. Every time it gets easier. One day I'll be able to say it and it will be every other damned word,_ Dean told himself.

"I love you, too... I want to show you how much I love you, right now and right here, Dean. If you'll let me. Would you like that?"

"Yeah, Cas," he breathed, voice rough and low. 

"Mmm," the angel hummed soft and low, leaning down and pushing Dean's collar aside to suck on his neck lightly.

"Harder, Cas. Leave a mark. And don't heal it."

Cas hesitated and pulled away to look at him. "Why?"

"Feels good...and it shows people I belong to you. I want everyone to know."

"I've branded you, body and soul, twice. I don't understand. Why do you want this too?"

Dean decided to demonstrate, pulling Cas's head down so he could lay a sweet kiss on the hollow above his clavicle, then he latched on and sucked hard and slow, nipping a bit until Cas made a soft noise in his ear. Dean pulled away, satisfied to see a mark. 

"Yes, look at that," he groaned, touching the spot, "See, I _know_ you get it. That's not the first time you've let me do that, and every time there's a bruise. _You_ _can't even_ _bruise -_ not if you don't want to. So don't try to tell me you don't understand. Now, please... mark me up," he hissed in a needy growl.

"I suppose that adds some...clarity. I will do this for you," he said, voice deliciously gravelly in Dean's ear, before sliding a hand along one side of Dean's bared throat and placing a kiss on the other before sucking softly, then slowly ramping up the pressure. 

"Yeah, like that...just like that," Dean encouraged, bucking his hips upward into Cas, grinding against him.

Cas pulled away and admired his handiwork for a moment. "That should trouble me, seeing that I've hurt you," he said, softly touching the mark.

"Didn't hurt. But it feels good to see it there, to know you did that, doesn't it?"

Cas looked into Dean's eyes and away from the mark, nodding.

"Yeah. It's okay. I like it too. Felt good, sunshine," he purred. 

Cas let his thumb lazily move back and forth over Dean's adams apple lightly.

"You gonna choke me?" Dean asked, smiling up and lifting a brow.

Cas made an appalled face. "What? Of course not." He narrowed his eyes, confused and offended. 

"No, it's a thing, Cas. People do it sometimes. It can be exciting," he chuckled.

Cas shook his head. "Absolutely not."

"You don't have to. I just wondered. Seemed like you were kinda interested in my neck." Dean said, trying to hide his disappointment with a chuckle. 

Cas seemed to ignore this and instead began to unbuckle Dean's belt and unbutton his jeans. He palmed at the hunter's hard cock through the stretchy cotton, watching him shudder as he bucked against Cas's hand. When the angel took his hand away, Dean made a sound of protest, but he fell silent as Cas opened the fly of his own jeans, instead letting his eyes fall to the evident arousal. 

"You look so good, Cas," the hunter said, voice smoky.

The angel did not respond, instead pulling his cock out of his underwear and tucking the waistband below his balls, out of the way. He then slowly pulled Dean's underwear out of the way with a shaky breath. 

"I've been finding myself very impatient for you. We were interrupted twice and I...feel very eager."

"Miracle, yeah. But you interrupted the second time." Dean said, a little accusative.

"I wanted to try the s'mores,'' Cas explained, positioning himself above Dean's supine body, swiftly grasping their cocks and grinding them together in a fluid motion, making the hunter gasp and shudder. 

Dean felt no desire to argue anymore, instead bucking up into the angel's firm but graceful motions, letting the sensation and waves of pleasure roll through him. Cas was looking him in the eye as he so often did, the look so intense in the fire light. 

The hunter was never able to keep from making encouraging, salacious sounds for Cas, and this was no exception. Low rumbling appreciative noises were coming out of him as if against his will. 

Cas was panting - it seemed unusual that he would be so worked up so fast. A devious, mischievous thought occurred to the hunter as he writhed and bucked into Castiel's hand, moving against the velvety skin of his hard cock and delighting in the sensation. Dean snaked his hands up Castiel's back below his shirt and pushed against those glands. 

Castiel's eyes flew open wide and he gasped loudly, shuddering at the violent burst of pleasure blooming throughout him. His rhythm faltered and he groaned, closing his eyes.

"Dean," Cas grated out, "I won't be able to draw this out for us if you insist on doing...that."

Dean chuckled low in his throat, eyes hooded. He brought the oil down between them, leaving a trail of the oil along Castiel's ribs and back before slicking their cocks with the sweet, musky scented substance. 

"Move, Cas," he urged, bucking again, now smoothly slipping against the angel. 

Cas seemed to be beyond words. He attempted to open his eyes, but they were hazy, almost intoxicated.

"God, I love what that does to you," Dean said, reaching back up, shoving the shirt out of the way this time. It was a bit of an awkward stretch, but worth it to make him that helplessly lust-drunk. 

"Dean," he groaned, arching into it, his wings snapping outward, high up. 

The hunter thrust up into his lover's hand, still half grasping their cocks together, because the angel had utterly lost any semblance of rhythm. He pressed into the sensitive glands and made circular motions, one, two, three times, firm and slow, then smeared the oils between them again. 

He knew he couldn't stimulate Cas too much that way - making him lose control to the point of taking his true form was not his goal, or even a good idea right now. But urging him closer, making him lose his usually unshakable grip - oh, yeah. Dean craved that. 

"Fuck, Cas," Dean moaned loudly, hissing and rolling his hips into Cas's grip again.

"Mmm, Dean," Cas uttered in response, voice broken, eyes unfocused.

"You want me to do it again?"

Cas nodded fiercely.

"Me too. And I want you to choke me."

Cas looked at him blankly, brought out of his lust drunk haze for a moment. "I don't want to hurt you, Dean," he said.

"If you don't wanna, don't. But I think you do - you were thinking about it, I could tell," he said, panting, moaning, grinning, "You won't hurt me. Just a little. Just for a second. I like it," he said, biting his lip and fixing his darkened eyes on Cas. He brought his hands close to the base of Cas's wings as they continued to move together, but not quite to the spot.

"I… I'm afraid. I want to... but I don't know why," Cas admitted, letting his gaze fall down to the cords of muscle on Dean's neck. 

Dean smiled. "It's instinct. Its not that weird. Please? Please, sweetheart? I want it," he said low and sweet, surprising himself. He didn't usually beg.

Cas hesitated, but braced one hand in the ground and gently laid one hand against Dean's neck. Cas looked up slowly to meet his eye. When his lover nodded with a grin, thrusting against him vigorously at the same time and drawing his hands closer to the spots below the wings, Cas placed his hand over the hunter's throat, and gently began to squeeze, carefully looking Dean in the eyes. 

"Harder, please. I trust you. Do it. Please," Dean said, voice a little strained, but Cas was barely squeezing. 

_I can do this now, remember? With our bond. I can still use our safe word even if I can't breathe. Please?_ Dean implored without words, using the bond he could now initiate since their soul bonding.

The angel looked at his hand, then back to Dean's eyes, then slowly ramped up the pressure a bit. 

Dean groaned out a strangled, debauched sound while nodding, then swirled his fingers over the glands. 

Cas squeezed just a little harder then, applying perfect pressure, and threw his head back, squeezing his eyes shut, in a loud moan, wings snapping outward again and his rhythm suddenly picking up before he looked at Dean again, eyes wide and wild.

Dean wheezed slightly, feeling the head rush from the lack of oxygen and the fuzzy, floaty feeling of it that made him so hard and ready to come it fucking hurt. He could still breathe shallowly, but was pleased to have Cas in control of him. He trusted Cas. He wouldn't push Dean further than he could go. It felt perfect. 

When Dean ran his fingers over the glands again, Cas came, shouting Dean's name, eyes glowing blue in the moment before the garden flooded with the bright white light and gusty storm air that felt so familiar and addictive to Dean at this point. 

Cas adjusted his grip on Dean's neck, relaxing it just slightly as he came, but Dean was already too close for it to make a difference. He made a rough inarticulate sound and on the next thrust into Castiel's come and oil slick palm, he was coming too, painting their stomachs with hot wet stripes of come. He didn't stop thrusting right away, riding out his orgasm until the final twitch of his cock. Finally, Cas removed his hand and Dean let out a long sighing exhale and the clarity that came with his first full breath in felt like a rush. 

"Holy fuck, Cas," Dean said after a while, panting as they laid on the ground by the fire pit looking at the stars. 

"Yes, quite," the angel said in a dazed voice. After a moment, he turned to look at Dean. "You were playing with fire, you know. My oil glands… you really must be careful."

"I know," Dean replied. "I know you. I can tell when I'm pushing you close to the edge. I know we can't just put you in true form mode without planning for it. I'll always be careful with you, Cas. Just like you're careful with me."

"I didn't hurt you too much?"

Dean chuckled. "No, darlin'. You did it just right, Cas. Awesome."

Cas gently rubbed over the hunter's neck, inspecting it. "No soreness? Nothing wrong?"

Dean shook his head. Cas put a finger to the man's forehead. "Your oxygen saturation is good already and I don't detect any damage. Good," the angel said in a serious tone, carefully studying Dean. 

"I'm fine, Cas. I feel… fucking incredible," Dean said, stretching. 

"I don't understand why I wanted to do that. It felt… very good. I also don't understand why _you_ wanted me to do that. I was satisfied to see you struggling against me. But also trusting me. I should be horrified. Are you certain that's... normal?"

Dean hummed a satisfying sound, nodding. "It's a kink, Cas. Like 'appreciating bondage' or the temperature thing you did on my birthday. Everyone has 'em. Just turns out we have another mutual one."

"Will I always want to hurt you now?" Cas asked nervously. 

"No, no. You don't have to do it every time. I don't make you wear a cowboy hat every time, right? And you gotta stop saying you're harming me or hurting me. You're not. We've - dude, we've beaten the ever-loving shit out of each other before. You know this is different, right?"

Cas squirmed a bit, hesitated before answering. "I regret those things - when we fought each other. And yes, I know it _feels_ different. But I don't know why. If something hurts you, it should be a bad thing."

"Did it feel bad when you punched me? Or when I stabbed you?"

"Yes."

"Did it feel bad when you bit me? Or when you choked me?"

Cas didn't answer, the crackling of the dying fire the only sound."

"It didn't, did it? What about when I kissed you hard and scratched you that time? Or when I did this?" Dean asked, touching the hickey on Cas's neck.

Cas shook his head. "It didn't."

"'Cause we aren't doing that stuff to hurt each other, right? Not really. We're showing we need each other. And we trust each other."

"I suppose. It still seems strange."

"Maybe it is strange. But it still feels right, doesn't it?"

Cas nodded. 

"As long as we're talking to each other and we trust each other and we're both okay with it, there's nothing wrong with anything we do, okay? Those are the only important things. I don't care how weird something is or if you're nervous about it, just ask me. Some of the stuff you're afraid of is... really normal, Cas. You just don't know it yet. You're getting experience. It's normal to have kinks."

Cas nodded slowly. "What are your kinks?"

Dean found himself blushing. He'd just told Cas to be open and communicate with him, and here he was blushing, feeling his mouth run dry, struggling with words.

"Well, uh… you know I've got more experience than you. So I've tried a lot of things."

Cas narrowed his eyes. "That did not answer my question, Dean."

Dean felt his cheeks further suffuse with heat. "It's, um… kind of a long list, Cas," he muttered.

"Tell me. I want to know. Some things I know from when we were one, bonded. But the memories are vague, more like feelings. Tell me."

Dean felt his stomach flip. If Cas thought choking was weird, he wasn't sure what he'd think of all Dean's interests. 

"Well, I like breath play - choking. And temp play. And maybe... I do appreciate bondage a little," he said, swallowing hard, "I guess with your handprint you could say I'm into branding. Not sure what that says about me. I like it when you, uh… tell me what to do. Exhibitionism a little bit, I guess- that's being somewhere you could get caught - like this, here in the garden," he cleared his throat, "And maybe some role playing, like the cowboy hat. And maybe," he said nervously, " _someotherthingslikepantiesandslappingandtentaclesandalofofotherstufflikethat,"_ he muttered in one breath, very softly.

Cas blinked and lifted his brows. "Oh, those things sound interesting. I don't know about slapping you. That's so disrespectful."

Dean thought he was going to faint. He was pretty sure all his blood was being used to make him blush. "Yeah, it ain't for everyone," he squawked.

"I thought you said not to be embarrassed."

"You shouldn't be. I shouldn't be. Just some times I am anyway. It's not bad to have kinks. Just sometimes it's… y'know, uh… scary, I guess to tell people about them when you worry they might not like those things and maybe they freaked people out in the past."

"You want me to wear panties?"

Dean really thought he was going to die from blushing. No glorious hunter's death, no work accident, no growing old for him. He was sure that he was going to die from embarrassment right here and now. 

Dean covered his face with his hand. He couldn't speak. He only shook his head. 

"Oh, _you_ would wear them."

Dean nodded. 

"Interesting. And the tentacles - how do you satisfy that urge?"

"I - I watch hentai… uh, special porn. And use my imagination, Cas," he said, almost laughing because this conversation seemed totally beyond belief. 

'I think I have a kink, Dean," Cas said, pulling the hunter's hand away from his face. 

"Hmm?" The only response he could muster.

"Seeing you blush like this. It makes your skin so pretty."

"Pretty?" Dean squeaked.

"Mm, yes," Cas said, placing a kiss on the hot, flushed cheek of his righteous man.

"It is ridiculous, you know, to tell me not to be embarrassed and then to experience such embarrassment yourself. But I cannot complain. I enjoy seeing you… uncertain, in a sense," Cas crooned, kissing him gently on the other cheek. 

Dean chuckled. "None of that stuff freaked you out?"

"I do not wish to slap you. Short of that no."

They were silent for a moment, looking at the stars.

"Uh… but what about the, uh... pizza man?" Dean suggested with a grin.

Cas's look changed for a moment. "In which you would be… the babysitter?"

Dean lifted an eyebrow. "Uh, maybe so. If you wanted to deliver me a large sausage pizza, maybe?"

"And then I would slap your bare rear?" Cas asked, trying to confirm. 

"If you want. I never want you to do anything or let me do anything you don't want to do Cas. I mean that, always. But if you wanted to try it… I'm game."

Cas nodded thoughtfully. 

"I would be open to trying it. I'm uncertain about how well I will like it. But I will not slap your face."

"Works for me, Cas," Dean said with a huff of laughter, grabbing his hand.

\----------------------------------------------------

After Cas cleaned them up and put out the fire, they walked back into the bunker together, chatting lightly. Sam and Eileen were in the library, trying to teach Miracle to sit and heel. 

"He doesn't want to do that right now," Cas said as he entered the room. "He thinks it's pointless because he knows you'll give him a treat anyway," he continued, nodding at Eileen.

Eileen looked at Sam guiltily. "He's really cute," she defended. Sam just laughed.

"Looks like you two had a good time," Sam said, eyeing the hickeys they were both sporting and their mussed hair with a chortle. 

Dean laughed but it faded quickly and he looked at Sam seriously, taking a deep breath. "Sam, I want to tell you something," Dean said, swallowing nervously. He approached his brother and looked at him. "I'm bisexual," he announced, firm and clear. "Always have been. Cas - he's not some kind of… exception or somethin'. I like his vessel just fine. Really… a lot more than fine, actually. I'm bi."

Sam just smiled and wrapped Dean into a hug. "Yeah, I know. That's good, Dean. I'm just glad you finally know you can tell me."

Dean looked back at Cas. "I mean… I figured you probably knew by now. But just to say it… well, it seemed important. And now I can say that I like Han Solo and Princess Leia equally. You know? I never told anyone before tonight. I mean… I'm dating an angel in a _dude suit_ pretty openly. I guess it seems kinda fucking dumb to come out now. But I felt like I should say it."

"It's not stupid. I'm glad you told me."

Dean was gesturing the whole time with his hands but Sam was just hugging him. Finally, after he said what he needed to say, he hugged back with a warm smile. 

"I knew you'd be cool about it."

"Yeah, man. Of course."

'Let me go, Sam. That's enough chick flick shit, man."

Sam released him from the bear hug he had wrapped his brother in. 

"Proud of you."

"Shut up, Sammy," he said, shifting awkwardly on his feet and gripping the back of his neck, but grinning. 

Eileen came up to him. "Look. Bi. B-I. Bi," she said, smiling as she taught him the sign and he followed along. "And pride. Pride." He practiced a few times along with her. "And you know love, right?" He nodded, then he wrapped her into a big hug.

Cas regarded the room for a moment and then awkwardly announced, "good night," with no further explanation and then walked out of the room. Sam and Dean exchanged a shrug. 

"I dunno, he's a weird little dude. Uh, I'm gonna turn in, too though. Big - uh, big night," he said with a chuckle and a parting wave before following Cas.

\----------------------------------------------------

"Dude, what was that about?"

Cas shrugged. "It seemed like a personal moment. I felt it was awkward for me to be there, but I'm not supposed to say so. So I wanted to be in here. I find a certain comfort in being in your space."

Dean softened. "Oh. You like my room? That's… that's awesome," Dean said, blushing. "Maybe… it could just be 'our' room. Our space. You haven't stayed in your room for a while anyway."

"I would like that, even if it is more a naming formality than anything else," Cas said with a contemplative smile. 

"Will you stay tonight?"

"There are prayers I need to answer, but I will watch over you until you are asleep and return before you wake."

Dean stripped, collapsing dramatically on the bed next to Cas in his underwear, squirming up close to his lover, throwing an arm over him and stroking the wing Cas pulled over them with his near hand. 

"Cas… I'm really happy. I can be myself with you. To the point you help me be myself around other people, Dean said, curling in and placing his head on Castiel's chest.

"I feel the same. I enjoy performing miracles when you're not with me. I feel free to perform the functions of heaven without the… bureaucracy and falsehoods. And when I'm with you… well, as I've said. You are the greatest joy I've ever known."

Dean smiled, burying his face in the feathers. "You know what this feels like, Cas? Bein' with you, I mean?"

Cas looked at him. "Hm. Rapture. What does it feel like to you?"

"Freedom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! I love hearing from you all <3 You're all so sweet and uplifting! If you want to talk to me on tumblr via message or ask, I'm minxyone93 on there as well. ^_^
> 
> I hope you weren't let down by the simple frott - it seems so hot an intimate to me, but that might be my own personal predilection. Hopefully you guys enjoyed it as much as I did! And hopefully the choking didn't scare you off. ;P They kind of surprised *me* with that - sometimes Cas and Dean seem to be more in control of the story than I am... which might explain not just their unplanned breathplay but just how the fic ended up being 100k words an counting in general! XD
> 
> It might seem weird to have Dean "come out" now, but I just felt like he deserved to say it - not just to Karen (blech), but to himself! I also wanted Karen to get smacked down in front of them - Cas and Dean deserve to know they are a power couple. <3 🏳️🌈 <3
> 
> It was a very self-indulgent chapter yet again.


	14. Love Always Hopes, and I Hope You Thrive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cw// emotional hurt/comfort
> 
> Sam and Dean have some brotherly bonding time, but it's cut short by confrontation. All ends up well between them, but they discuss some changes.
> 
> Cas provides much needed support and comfort for Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! I will not be able to post this often typically, but I'm waiting on COVID test results and I'm not able to be at work because of it. So, I don't feel great but I did have some extra time in my hands. 
> 
> This chapter is a little different and focuses heavily on Sam and Dean and then growing into a more healthy, less codependent relationship. 
> 
> I think we're getting close to the end here. I think roughly two more chapters and we'll probably call it a wrap.

"Sammy, get off me! Stop fussing at me like an old lady! It hasn't been so long I forgot how a damn salt and burn works! It's a simple goddamn day trip job. Jesus Christ," Dean grumbled, shoving Sam slightly away as he dusted himself off and groaned a bit as he pulled himself off the floor.

"That ghost tossed you like a ragdoll, of course I'm worried!" Sam said, still trying to inspect his brother, though Dean continued batting his arms away in frustration. 

"I'm fine," he grumbled. "I feel like a spring chicken. Fucking Benjamin Button over here. Don't worry about me. I worry about you, okay? Now, can we just gank the fuckin' asshole already?"

'Yeah, yeah," Sam relented, walking back up the stairs from the musty, leaky basement they were in.

Sam had been unable to get someone on the hunter network to cover this one. They were all already either in small cases or too far away. It seemed easier since it was just a couple hours out from the bunker to take care of it himself, but Dean had insisted on coming along.

They trudged through the creaky old house, looking for the item the enraged spirit was attached to.

"He was a carpenter, right?" Dean asked.

"Yeah."

"Probably tools, then. He didn't have any family and by all reports he wasn't a popular dude. So maybe his craft is what kept his ass Casper'd here."

"Alright. There's a shed out back. Let's go. D'you have the rock salt loaded?"

Dean scoffed and sneered at him. "Yes I got the rock salt loaded. I know what I'm doing. Just 'cause I don't practice as much as I used to don't mean shit. You know you never treated Bobby like he was inept when he came on hunts with us. And he was way more out of practice than me!" Dean continued complaining all the way through the house and the yard.

"It's locked."

"Well kick it in, Sam! The guy's dead as hell, don't worry about the resale value! Make your freaky long legs good for something!"

Sam rolled his eyes, but did so. The door gave way easily and smacked to the floor, kicking up a cloud of dust and letting moonlight pour in. 

"Great, there's a gas can. Just douse the whole fucking shed and let's get home. I don't need to be up at three in the morning anymore. Cas doesn't run on strip club hours."

Sam made a disgusted sound as Dean fiddled with the can.

"What, like you haven't been to one."

"No, but Cas is classy."

Dean frowned at him, raising his hands and huffing incredulously. "Oh, and it's  _ not _ classy to dance? Some of the things those ladies do up there - that should be an Olympic sport. It's like art, Sam. No, it  _ is _ art. They work hard for their money."

Sam rolled his eyes again. 

"What? They do!"

"It's not the dancers I have an issue with."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Dean grumbled, throwing all the old, wooden handled tools into a huge galvanized steel trash can and dousing it all in gasoline. 

"Dude was like a bajillion years old and these must have been his great grandpappy's tools," Dean muttered, looking at the rusty tools.

"Check this out, see what Cas got me?" Dean said with a smile, holding out a zippo lighter in a blue to purple to pink gradient. 

"That's cool, a bi pride lighter," Sam said, finally giving Dean a slight grin. 

"Yeah it is cool," Dean agreed, nodding as he lit the tools on fire. 

Since he had come out, Cas had been getting him little things like that - bi pride stickers, a pair of ombre shoelaces that were too short for any of his shoes, a tiny little bi pride pennant flag, bi pride socks. Mostly they went tucked away quietly with a smile, but he hung the flag on his bedroom wall and now he was carrying the lightern 

The ghost appeared again, apparently unhappy, trying to land a haymaker on Dean who was kneeling by the flaming can.

Dean picked up the gun but Sam hit the spirit with the rock salt first, discorporating him once more.

Dean blinked at his brother for a moment. "I just realized something. If we wore iron rings, we could punch ghosts. Why did we never do that?"

Sam shrugged, but the more he thought about it the more it bothered him that they'd never thought about it when they were hunting full time. 

"You know another thing, Sam? We shoulda got a hoola hoop or some shit and filled that with salt so they couldn't blow it away. Just throw that on the floor. There's an idea."

Sam really hated that one. "Oh my god… Are we stupid?"

Dean smiled. "Well,  _ I'm _ not. I came up with it."

"Shut up, jerk," Sam laughed.

"Bitch," Dean said, watching the fire. The ghost again appeared, this time trying to kick Sam, but Dean hit him again with the rock salt, looking bored, then pretending to blow smoke off the end of the gun. 

"I'm worried these aren't gonna melt," he said to Sam. "I really fucking hope this is gonna work. I'm tired and I gotta work on Monday," he grumbled. 

"You're old and cranky."

"Well you're not so young anymore either. And you were born making bitch face, don't get me started."

They waited a little more. Nothing happened for a while. "So. Uh… when you gonna ask Eileen to tie the knot?" Dean asked. 

"I don't know. I'm kind of freaking out, actually. I don't know if I should get her a traditional ring or if she'd like something different."

Dean thought about it for a moment. "I know what you should get her," he said, shaking a finger and looking off in thought with a grin, "Jewelry should be special, right? You met her on a case about Banshees. She's super proud of her Irish heritage. I bet they make engagement rings with emeralds and shit. Maybe something with a Celtic design. I bet she'd like that, and it would stand out better. It'd look cool when she's signing," he said, scratching the back of his neck. 

Sam blinked at him a couple times, processing. "That's fucking brilliant, dude. It at least gives me a place to start.

Dean shrugged with a cocky grin. 

Finally, on the last appearance, the ghost went up in flames. "Finally," the brothers sighed in unison. They put out the fire and Dean announced, "Alright, let's go home. I'm tired."

"I hear that," Sam yawned. "Let's go."

\----------------------------------------------------

A few weeks passed, and Dean seemed almost as excited as Sam was about the upcoming proposal. Sam had shown him dozens and dozens of rings, they'd looked at four different stores, and  _ finally _ he'd helped Sam choose a beautiful set that had everything - it was white gold with a lovely marquise diamond set between two delicate rose gold Celtic knots. On the band, small faceted round emeralds and diamonds were inset in an alternating pattern, glimmering gorgeously. Sam held it in his hand, looking at it in awe. He'd brought Dean along for support - he was oddly nervous even though he was so sure he wanted to do this. 

"I like it. I think you picked good," Dean announced with an approving nod.

"Yeah. Me too. I think this is it. This is the ring," he muttered softly, imagining it on Eileen's finger. Dean smiled and patted Sam on the back with an affirming nod. 

"Alright sir, I can sell you the set for $3,299.99," the rep behind the counter said gently with a smile. Sam gawked at the price, but Dean whispered to him, "Dude, who cares? We have infinite money we take from rich assholes. Get her the ring you wanna get her. Relax."

Sam shrugged. It may not have been Charlie's intention that they use the funds for non-hunting and living expenses - but he couldn't imagine the rich bastards they were skimming from needed it more than he needed Eileen in his life. 

A thought occurred to Sam. "Actually… can I buy the engagement ring separately?" He asked the salesperson. 

"Yes, if you prefer. You would lose the set discount and extended warranty, though."

"I… I have my mom's wedding band. I think I should use that."

"You don't have to if you don't wanna, Sammy," Dean said. "You can just hold on to her ring. It's not an obligation, man."

"No, I want to."

Dean looked at the ring Sam held in his hand. "Mom's ring doesn't exactly match, but that's alright. It's gold, though. That's a lot of different metals in one set."

"Does that matter?" Sam asked with a shrug.

Dean shrugged back. It wasn't his proposal, but he was pretty sure it would look... busy. He wanted to help though, so turned to the sales rep. "Hey, can the knots be changed to gold instead of… this coppery one?" Dean asked the salesperson. 

"Rose gold. Yes, there's an upcharge -,"

"Yeah, don't worry about the cost, Sammy. What do you think? Make it match or not? What do you think Eileen would like best? What do you like?"

"Uhh… let's make it match. Yeah, let's make the knots gold and - um, can I get my mom's ring cleaned up and restored? Remove the scratches or something?"

"Certainly, sir."

Sam signed what felt like a hundred papers with a fake name and paid up. He planned to drop Mary's ring off for cleaning the next day and they said in two weeks, he could pick up the set.

As they walked out, Dean clapped Sam on the back with joyful affection. 

"So what's the big plan? How're you gonna ask her?" Dean asked with a proud smile.

"Uh, I was just gonna…Ask. And then give her the ring..." Sam answered, fiddling with his collar and shifting awkwardly on his feet.

"Keepin' it simple. Okay," Dean said with a shrug.

Sam grimaced slightly. "What would you do?"

"Well,  _ I  _ wouldn't ask her at all," Dean said, searching for the car keys in his pocket absently. "'M not the marrying type. We're not talking about me, though."

"You wouldn't get married? Not even to Cas?" Sam laughed as they ducked into the Impala.

Dean gave him a blank look. "Sam, get real. First, you oughta know me better than that. Second, he's not even human. Do you know how stupid we would seem in front of an altar making promises when we've already had transcendental spirit sex? No, I don't need to marry Cas. We're already as committed as two people can ever be. You and Eileen though, you can't have spirit sex, so you should get married, have two and a half kids if that's your bag, blah blah blah. You guys are great for each other."

Sam grimaced. "I want to say 'thanks' but I'm hung up on the spirit sex. I'm gonna barf."

"Go ahead, but don't do it in my car."

\------------------‐---------------------------------

It was a quiet evening in the Bunker. Dean and Cas sat down to a small meal - a casserole Cas had prepared and a side salad, which although Dean vocally and vehemently resented, Cas had coaxed him into eating. Dean was loath to admit it, but it was pretty good. Sam declined to join them, instead spending time in his room practicing what he was going to say. Dean secretly thought he was just in there freaking out and resolved to bring him a plate later. Miracle laid under the table, hoping someone would drop something, softly whining on occasion when no food seemed to find its way to the floor.

"We should throw him a bachelor party, Cas," Dean said, mouth full of salad, apropos of nothing. 

"Who?"

"Sam. He's gonna ask Eileen to marry him tomorrow when he goes to see her. We both know she's gonna say yes."

"Yes, it's likely. Is a bachelor party like a birthday party? What should I cook?"

Dean laughed, waving a hand back and forth, "Oh Cas, no. No, no, no. A bachelor party is a  _ lot _ different from the Christmas party and the birthday party. No cooking. Just some guys out on the town, drinking and raising hell," he chucked with a puckish grin.

"Raising  _ hell _ ? Why?" Cas asked, alarmed. 

"No, it's a figure of speech. I just mean… revelry. Drinking, maybe hitting a topless bar or a strip club."

"To celebrate upcoming matrimony?" Cas said, not understanding a correlation.

"Yeah. It's a tradition."

"It's a  _ tradition _ ...To watch nude or partially nude people.... In order to celebrate upcoming nuptials?" Cas asked, trying to confirm, squinting in confusion. 

"Uh, yeah, you got it. That's the tradition. Like one last hurrah," the hunter said, wiggling his fingers in the air in a mock cheer. "Woo hoo," he said weakly.

Cas mused quietly for a moment. "It seems strange, but if it's tradition we should definitely ensure Sam has a good bachelor party. Like you, he's had tragically little to celebrate in his life," Cas said sadly.

"Aw, Cas, it's okay. Don't be sad. There's gonna be lots to celebrate. They're gonna have a wedding and all that down the line. Have you ever been to a wedding?"

"No. I've read about them. They seem pointless but joyful. Perhaps that is the point. Love should be celebrated, after all."

"Yeah, you'll like it. Weddings are sweet, like your telenovelas and romance novels."

Cas sighed. "My telenovela wasn't especially sweet this week. Andre  _ betrayed _ Lupita by having intercourse with another person. She is devastated. I am as well. I thought they were a good couple," he said, shaking his head and looking genuinely disheartened. 

Dean nodded, trying not to smile. "Okay, bud. That sounds pretty...rough."

"It is. I'm so glad you aren't like that."

"Me too," Dean chuckled. 

"You won't fall in love with someone else." Cas said. 

Dean first chuckled at the fact Cas still tried to correlate sex and love. It was amusing to him that a being, eons old, still had such innocent ideas. As he thought about the statement Cas had made however, Dean couldn't help but grab Castiel's hand and look at him seriously and address it as a question. 

"Nope. I won't fall in love or screw around with anyone else. Never. I already told you. You and me, forever. I love you," he said, swallowing.

Every time he said those three little words, it was a deliberate action, a choice. But it still kept getting just a little easier, so this time, for emphasis, repeated "I love you," again in a soft whisper, like a tiny prayer to Cas, just to prove his sincerity, and punctuated by squeezing the angel's hand as he looked into his eyes with all the sincerity he could muster.

Cas smiled - God, how Dean adored that Cas smiled now, so easily and so often - and lifted his hunter's hand and kissed the back of it. 

Dean chuckled. "You learn that from a telenovela?"

Cas cocked his head. With a smirk, he said, "Tal vez sí, tal vez no."

"Okay, wise guy," Dean said, rolling his eyes with a smile. He wasn't sure exactly what it meant, but the glint of mischief in Castiel's eye told him he was being sarcastic, and he could kind of guess the meaning. 

Cas looked at him with a lopsided smile and sighed contentedly. "Te amo," he said softly, full of ardor and warmth with a rumble and another kiss to the back of Dean's hand. Now the hunter was sure that Cas had definitely, definitely learned this from a telenovela. And Dean recognized  _ that _ phrase - Cas had him watch the telenovelas with him often enough to have picked that up. He thought for a moment. He pulled out his phone and typed something, holding a finger up with the other hand as he did so.

"Uh…" he hesitated for a moment. "Y yo a ti, Cas."

"Using the internet is cheating," Cas said with a smug look. 

"Being older than the Tower of Babel is cheating on a totally different level," Dean griped in response, turning back to his salad which he was still pretending to be bitter about.

"No, it isn't. I didn't choose to exist or when."

Dean gave him an incredulous look as he stabbed his salad with his fork. "No one does! No one chooses that! That doesn't make you special."

Cas just shrugged and thoughtfully chewed on a piece of lettuce with a glint of amusement in his eyes. 

\----------------------------------------------------

"Sammy! Brought you dinner. Open up," Dean said, knocking obnoxiously on the door. Miracle padded along beside him. Dean wasn't sure if it was because he wanted to be good company or if he was still hopeful for scraps.

Sam opened the door with a weak smile. "Thanks," he said, grabbing the plate. Miracle jumped on the bed and made himself at home.

"You need help with your big speech?"

"It's not that big. I'm just gonna tell her… I love her and she makes me happy. And then I'm gonna ask her."

Dean nodded. "Okay, then what's there to practice? You just nervous?"

Sam shook his head with a smile. "I'm trying to get the signs just right. Smooth. Not have to hesitate."

Then it clicked. "Oh, shit. That's why. You're gonna sign it to her. Fuuuuck, that makes a lot more sense. I didn't really get it at first, you were always the mushy one. Shit. You wanna keep it short and sweet so you can say it just right, her way."

Sam nodded, his smile a little watery. 

"You big... sap. Dammit. That's... C'mere, Sammy," Dean said, snatching Sam into a big hug, smacking his back too hard like always. "That's really good," he sniffed. 

"No chick flick moments," Sam chuckled.

"You're the one proposing, asshole. That's core chick flick shit. This is on  _ you _ ," Dean laughed, still sniffing a little. 

"Man, I'm gonna miss you," Sam said. 

Dean's brow furrowed. He chuckled, shaking his head as he backed out of the hug hesitantly. "Why're you gonna miss me?"

Sam arched a brow. "Well, if she says yes…" he trailed off. 

Dean held his hands out. "What?" He was starting to realize what Sam was saying and he didn't like it. His stomach felt like it was full of heavy shards of ice, weighing him down and making every second seem to drag by. 

Sam laughed sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. "If she says yes, we're gonna get married. Hopefully soon."

Dean nodded curtly. "That's the idea, right."

Sam sighed. "You know... She has her own place."

"Yeah. And she could sell it and move in here and we could all be a big happy goddamned family." Dean said, trying to keep his anger from bubbling over as the realization set in.

"Dean, it's normal for people to move out and start their own… I don't know, branch of the family when they get married. I mean, we've lived together all our lives! Dude, I'm  _ thirty-eight _ . That's a long time. Don't you wanna know what it would be like to... have some space? Live our own lives?"

"The Bunker is huge! We don't need space! There's plenty of space here. It's made for dozens of people to live here!" Dean said, crossing his arms and half turning away from his brother, closing his eyes for a moment. 

"You know that's not what I mean. I mean space to be ourselves and - and be apart and for that to - to be  _ okay _ . You know? Apart on purpose, apart because - because we know we're just a phone call away and everything is fine. And - well, Eileen's place isn't that far."

Dean scoffed. "I didn't think you needed to be someone else around me."

"I don't! I-I just mean - shit. Okay. Do you remember when we were on that case for the wraith and we had to pose as mental patients? We got in and kept them thinking we were patients by just… telling the truth and being ourselves. Including our relationship with each other."

Dean said nothing, staring at him. 

"And they said we were dangerously codependent. Don't you want to try to… I don't know, overcome that?"

Dean shook his head. "I don't believe this," he muttered. 

Sam sat on his bed and sighed, shaking his head. "Okay, tell me - if I died right now, and Jack refused to intervene - what would you do?" he snapped.

Dean said nothing.

"Would you let me go? And I don't just mean just let me stay dead. I mean actually _let me_ _go._ Would you live like a normal happy guy? Would you even be able to? Do you think I'd be able to if the roles were reversed? No. Because we need to spend time apart, live apart. Be ourselves."

Dean stared at him, clenching his fists and nodding angrily. He snapped into motion, turning jerkily and storming out of the room. 

"Dean -," Sam started, following him.

"No. Don't! Just fucking don't!" Dean snarled, spinning around and pointing angrily at him. 

"I took care of you, of us, our whole goddamn lives. I'm supposed to take care of you. And now you found someone else to do it and you're - you're gonna just cut me out? You're just gonna  _ leave _ ? After everything? We've been to hell and back - couple times! Fuck this!" He shouted, shaking in anger. 

He knew it wasn't fair to Sam, and it wasn't fair to Eileen to say these things. But his heart was aching. He felt like he was losing his brother and he was scared, he was hurt, and he was angry. It had hit him out of nowhere. It had not occurred to him once in all of the ring shopping and talk of marriage that Sam would be leaving. It was too fast to process.

Sam sighed. "I'm not gonna cut you out. I just think maybe it's time for me to finally grow up," he said weakly, swallowing back tears. 

Dean turned away with a vicious look that barely veiled the hurt in his eyes and left Sam in the hallway, alone.

\----------------------------------------------------

The nice thing about living in the middle of nowhere in Kansas is that there were miles and miles of corn fields and soybean fields and wheat fields. Even though it was just starting to warm up and there wasn't anything planted, it was satisfying as hell to kick up some clouds of dust on the tiny roads. They ran for miles, straight along the expansive farmland borders. It felt amazing to speed along them in a big car that rumbled gorgeously underneath you, a car you knew inside and out.

Dean didn't particularly mind when the sparse gravel broke loose beneath the tires because he knew just how to coax Baby out of a fishtail and how to feather off the clutch to get her back on track and regain traction. It gave him something to distract himself, so perhaps he even welcomed it as he soared down one of those roads tonight, lit by the moon and the shine of the headlights and nothing else. He let himself bounce with every bump or imperfection in the road, feeling the car as an extension of himself.

Metallica's Master of Puppets B-side blared in the speakers, vibrating in his bones because he had it cranked so wildly high. There was something satisfying about the thud of each bass beat feeling more violent than his own heartbeat, which right now was too much for him. 

Suddenly, the music stopped. Dean nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized Cas was there and had switched off the radio. 

"Fuck!" Dean yelled, and had to immediately pull Baby out of a fishtail again, not as smoothly this time. He was so panicked he uncharacteristically overcorrected, sending the car sliding into a second fishtail. 

Once the car was steady and stable again, the angel cleared his throat. "I said, 'Hello, Dean'. But I think perhaps you didn't hear me."

Dean was still breathing heavily from the scare. "No shit I didn't hear you, Cas," he panted, eyes wide. "How long were you there?"

"Three minutes, twelve seconds prior to your realization. I thought you would realize sooner because of the necklace. That's why I came, actually. Your heart rate was alarming me."

Dean blinked. "Sorry, Cas."

"No need to apologize. I was just concerned," the angel said. 

"Just went for a drive to calm down," Dean muttered.

Cas nodded, looking pensive. "Is calming down usually easiest to accomplish at ninety-seven miles per hour while trying to damage your hearing?" He asked.

Dean chuckled weakly. "Maybe not. Doesn't seem to be working."

"No, it doesn't," Cas agreed.

Dean finally stopped the car, slowing gradually and letting the car coast to a stop in the middle of the road. 

"Sam tell you what happened?" Dean mumbled, looking straight ahead.

"He did," the angel confirmed.

"You come to yell at me?" Dean grated out, sighing. 

"No."

That surprised him for a moment. Then he nodded. "Tell me to go apologize?"

"No."

"Then why?" 

Cas just looked at him sadly. "As I said, the necklace. And...you were praying."

Dean gave him a look of puzzlement. 

"Not with words. With longing. And pain. I just thought... you might need company."

Dean was silent for a moment, staring out the windshield into the darkness, outlines of nondescript things in the fields tinged blue in the moonlight. He hesitated, but grabbed Castiel's hand.

"I was mean to him. Supposed to be a happy time for him. Pretty...shitty. Selfish of me," he said. "Something my dad would do," he whispered, blinking to let the tears finally spill over, his eyes burning.

Cas said nothing, simply taking his other hand and stroking it softly across the rough skin over Dean's knuckles.

"I was being selfish," the hunter repeated, "I just… it's always - we've always been together. Always. I mean, all our lives except a handful of years here or there - usually one of us dead - I didn't think him getting married would mean he would  _ leave _ . I just thought… I- I don't know what I thought." Dean gulped, wiping his face with his free hand. 

Cas reached over and turned the car off. Then he got out and walked to Dean's side, opening the door and urging him out with a beckoning gesture. 

Cas guided the hunter to sit on the warm hood of the car next to him. He angled them so that Dean could lean against his chest, and he curled his wings around them. They radiated warmth. Dean instantly let out a shuddering breath, but seemed to relent a bit and relax as Cas held him, gently patting his arm with one hand and simply holding him close with the other. 

They stayed like that for quite a while. Dean buried his face in the thick dark feathers, feeling comforted by the soft warmth of Castiel's strong wings. The little jolts of energy he got at every contact with him always felt so lovely and familiar now, calming him a little further. 

"I just thought we could all stay together, Cas. I thought… the bunker is so big, you know? I figured Eileen would move in with us."

Cas said nothing, but squeezed him a little tighter. Dean curled into him a little harder too. 

"He's my kid brother, I've been protecting Sammy since the day mom died. Before, in ways. I carried him out of our house while it burned down. I made sure he had enough to eat when dad was away - no matter  _ what _ I had to do… and sometimes it wasn't pretty.. ," he said, voice breaking. 

"I, uh… I helped him with his homework so he could go to college. But I didn't have time for mine and his both, so I didn't even graduate high school. Don't tell him that - I don't think he ever figured that out. I always just told him I hated school. I sold my soul to bring him back. I fought for him. For years I fought for him. And he always had my back too. I just thought… after all of that, after all the years of fighting we could just… be brothers. Just be happy, normal brothers."

Cas sighed softly, holding Dean as he talked. He hesitated, worried he might say the wrong thing. But it seemed important to say something- even if it wasn't the perfect thing.

"I... am not so well-versed in emotional or family matters. But... I think perhaps you misunderstand something. You love your brother very much. But you are also taking on the role of a parent to him. You have had to assume both of these roles for him since you were a child. It wasn't a choice, it was a necessity. And you have played the roles beautifully, Dean. You are so full of love, for Sam, for all your family and friends. But especially Sam. You have nurtured and cared for him no matter the cost to yourself. You have quite literally sacrificed for him, over and over. And you should be proud of him - and by extension, yourself. Sam is a good, brave, kind man. He has learned to be loving from your example."

Cas hesitated for a moment, trying to think of the right words, passively stroking Dean's arm. He felt Dean's body shaking as he quietly sobbed. Cas gave him soothing touches before continuing.

"But...adults don't need parents," he said. Dean jerked a little at that, but the angel laid a reassuring hand in him. "And the world, Sam included, is safer than it has ever been. So perhaps this is a way that you can have exactly what you wanted - perhaps by Sam moving away, you can begin to shed the role of parent and be as you said - happy, normal brothers. I know it's hard. I know it is painful. But perhaps it can be… the start of your happy middle - for your story with Sam."

Dean sniffed a bit, hesitating. He slowly nodded, but didn't speak for several moments. He let the words sink in. He took a deep breath, the said, "Yeah. Maybe. And I should apologize to him… I was pretty fucking harsh. And I acted like Eileen was just gonna take care of him - like she doesn't have her own shit, like he can't take care of himself. She matters in her own right. She's not some pushover, she's an independent badass. So's Sammy. They're gonna take care of each other."

Cas nodded. "Yes. As equals, individuals with their own innate values."

"Yeah," Dean said, relaxing into Cas a little more and savoring each small soothing touch the angel pressed into him. He let his eyes fall closed and tried to release the aching in his heart. He breathed in slowly and out slowly, counting the seconds. 

Dean had a thought - it was sudden and it was so intense he almost felt it physically as it came to his mind. He bolted upright and shimmied to face Cas, ruffling some feathers in the process. He held a hand out, eyes wide. "But if Sammy's gonna run the hunter network, if he's gonna be like Bobby… doesn't it make sense  _ he _ would stay in the bunker?"

Cas sighed, shaking his head in sad disbelief. "Dean-,"

Dean shook his head. "No, no, I just mean - maybe… maybe Sammy…" he looked up at Cas with wide eyes, disbelieving the words he was about to speak and yet so certain they were right. "Maybe he shouldn't be the one to go. Maybe  _ we _ should leave. You and me." 

The words felt foreign leaving his mouth. The bunker was the first home he'd had since they were kids and he loved it. It seemed strange to say he should leave, but a sort of energy seemed to fill him at the epiphany. He felt interested and excited, by the idea and yet it twisted and clawed at him unpleasantly all at once. 

It must have caught the angel by surprise too, because Cas was looking stunned, sitting there speechless. 

He sighed and looked at Cas again. "I'm… I'm trying to leave hunting. Well, mostly at least. I don't wanna look for cases or any of that anymore if there's someone else to do it. But Sammy still does that. Sammy answers most of the phone calls for the other hunters these days too." He licked his lips, his mouth feeling dry. "I…Cas, maybe  _ we _ should leave the bunker."

Cas looked at him, tilting his head. "Symbolic of leaving your old life behind. Making something new." The angel nodded. "It does seem right."

"Yeah. I guess. Do you wanna...get our own place, Cas?"

Cas smiled tenderly at the thought, then shyly turned away. "I would go anywhere with you. Live anywhere. But let's discuss it with Sam. Let's not rush. And Eileen hasn't accepted his proposal yet."

"She's gonna. You've seen them. They're both head over heels in love."

Cas nodded with a slight smile. "Yes, the odds are very good."

"Sammy always wanted to get married."

"He did? I didn't know that."

Dean nodded. They talked for quite a while after that. The hunter told Castiel stories from Sam's childhood, highlighting his romantic nature. How he always talked wistfully about "when I get married…" as a kid and imagined the sweet apple pie life he'd never known, the idealized version of marriage that John had sold him for so long. 

He told Cas about Jessica and how Sam had been shopping for rings back then. He told Cas how he suspected Sam asked for his help finding rings because he was scared to lose Eileen the same way he'd lost Jess all those years ago.

"We have a lot of the same issues, me and him," Dean explained sadly, "Just Sammy copes with 'em better."

"You're improving," Cas comforted with a slightly awkward pat on Dean's shoulder.

Dean chuckled. "Slowly."

"But surely," Cas said, wagging a finger playfully at Dean. 

Dean sighed with a smile. "How come you always know just what I need from you?"

Cas brought a hand to Dean's face, looking deeply into his eyes with a penetrating and radiant warmth. "Because I love you completely and I trust in that more than I trust anything else."

Dean smiled at him and placed a gentle kiss on the angel's cheek. "You have faith in our love, is that what you're saying? Sounds blasphemous."

Cas chuckled softly in response, eyes crinkling beautifully. Dean could look at those eyes, that smile, every day and never get sick of it. 

"Wanna keep me company on the ride back? I oughta get back and tell him I'm sorry if he's still up," Dean said, hanging his head. "Hopefully he can rest up a bit before his big day tomorrow."

They rode back in an amiable silence at a much more normal speed. There was still pain in Dean's heart, but it was easing more with every breath. Maybe this wasn't what he'd envisioned for them. But Cas was right. Maybe now he could acknowledge that Sam had grown up a long time ago. Maybe he could learn to be just his brother and not his sole caretaker after all.

\----------------------------------------------------

As it turned out, Sam was awake. At first, he didn't want to talk to Dean. It was understandable, even to Dean - he knew he'd been harsh and even though he wanted to apologize and get it done with, he got it. Sam needed space from him now.

_ Way to go, Winchester. Fucking perfect example of what he was talking about to begin with, _ he thought.

Dean sat in the library in case Sam changed his mind and Cas went out to do some angelic deeds - he had made promises he had to honor.

Castiel often disappeared for a few hours at night and during the hours Dean was working to go answer prayers and help those in need. It was very reassuring to the hunter that Cas never had to give up being an angel, serving humanity, to be with him. That would have broken his heart.

Although at the moment, he felt a different, more filial and fraternal sort of heartache. It's not like he'd never fought with Sam. He knew eventually things would be fine between them, but he had a twisting regret in his gut from the things he'd said in anger - and a fear for the change they were on the precipice of. It was a scary thought. He still had the same instinct to care for Sam and help him as he always had. He thought of how much it had torn him up when Sam left for Stanford. But he knew Cas was right - it was time. 

He was glad Miracle was here to keep him company, quietly snoozing under the table, laying on Dean's feet. The closeness of the warm furry dog was comforting and his tiny snoring sounds were very sweet.

"Hey bitch," came Sam's voice, breaking the quiet of the room. He may have softened slightly, but Dean could hear in his voice that he was still bristling.

Dean looked up at him. "I'm supposed to say that," he tried to joke, but he felt the blood drain from his face and he felt his mouth was dry and his heart just ached, with guilt, regret, and fear.

Sam shrugged, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "I couldn't sleep. And you were being pretty bitchy," he said, crossing his arms. 

"That's fair," Dean said, averting his eyes in shame.

"Alright. What did you wanna say earlier?" Sam sighed. 

Dean sighed and looked up at Sam with a pained shine in his eyes.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry. Really sorry. It wasn't cool to yell at you like that or say...any of that. I'm sure you know it was just that… I was scared," Dean said, swallowing. "That's hard for me to admit. But it's true. I was scared. I still am, Sammy. I… being your brother, your protector- that was not just my job, that was who I  _ was _ for basically my whole life. But you don't… uh, you don't need that anymore," he said, shaking his head and closing his eyes. 

"It's okay, Dean," Sam said softly. 

"No, it's not. You can forgive me if you want, but that don't make it okay," Dean said, looking at him with a serious expression. "And um… I think maybe you're right. Hard to say it, but.... Maybe we should live apart. Not 'cause I want to. If it was up to me I'd have  _ all _ my people, every damn one of you, under one big roof and I'd take such good care of all of ya," he said with a teary-eyed, forced chuckle. 

"But, uh… after I thought about it, talked about it with Cas… he pointed out kind of the same thing you did, in a different way - our lives haven't been normal or okay… or healthy, you know? Like you said. I mean we have issues, real issues we gotta work out. I mean growing up the way we did - relying on each other the way we had to - it was a lot of pressure and expectation for both of us. So...maybe you're right. Maybe we should live apart. Maybe... we can just be normal brothers without all the extra baggage from the life, from our parents, from Chuck, from all the

… all the fucking bullshit."

Sam couldn't help but tear up a little, sniffing into his palm softly he looked at Dean nodding for a moment. "Yeah. I think we deserve to give it a try, right? Being normal? Can you imagine how crazy it will be if the biggest drama in our lives is who we invite to weekend barbecues instead of apocalypse and monsters?" He laughed. Dean chuckled back even though the idea of barbecues every weekend sounded kind of exhausting. 

"I forgive you, Dean. I get it."

Dean looked at him and smiled weakly. "Thanks, man," he said, not feeling like he deserved forgiveness at all. He sucjed his teeth and sniffed back tears. "Another thing. I think you should keep the bunker, if you guys want it. Cas and I can get a place."

"What? You love this place," Sam said, bewildered. 

"Yeah, but it makes the most sense. You're organizing the hunters. This is the perfect place for it. And I'm like, eighty percent retired, trying to get outta the life. Living here and us not making the best use of the place doesn't make sense. So unless Eileen is just real attached to her house - consider it yours."

Sam sat across from him. He opened his mouth a couple times and closed it before he knew what to say, shaking his head in disbelief. "Dude, are you sure?"

Dean nodded. "Already talked about it with Cas. We'll find a place. Okay? You and Eileen… you can run things out of here. If you want. Talk it over with her. After you ask her tomorrow."

Dean hesitated for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose and blinking before continuing with a sad smile. "I am proud of you, Sam. I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sorry I got shitty. I know you and Eileen are awesome people and you deserve a chance to  _ be _ awesome in your own time, your own, uh… space," Dean said, looking up at his little brother. "Go get some rest. You don't wanna look like shit when you ask her," he laughed.

Dean felt a little better that they weren't fighting anymore, but he still couldn't find rest. He tossed and turned and felt a painful pang of sadness wrapped around his heart. On nights he was alone, his dreams still often became dark and frightening 

When Cas came home, the angel held him and he finally fell asleep, and he did not dream anymore. Miracle wriggled his way between them and in his sleep, Dean's hand found its way into the silky fur.

\----------------------------------------------------

"Dean, wearing a path on the floor will not change the outcome of the proposal," Cas said softly, watching the hunter pacing and checking his phone in the kitchen while Cas cooked and Miracle stood close by.

"Yeah, but he's been there  _ all day _ . What's he waiting for? I mean, shit," Dean sighed.

"Perhaps he's just waiting for the right moment," Cas suggested, turning back to the stove to tend to the meal. 

"Well sure but he should  _ tell _ me that!"

Cas nodded and then hesitated. "Perhaps he did ask and she did accept."

"Then he should at least text me and tell me that too!"

"Well maybe they're enjoying a romantic coital-,"

"Ew, Cas! No."

"Why 'ew'?"

"That's my  _ brother _ ."

"You're his brother and yet you talk about your sexual interests with him."

"No, I  _ bother _ him with it, very purposefully, and it's different. Just pretend Sam doesn't have sex, okay?"

Cas looked at the ceiling for a moment as if saying some sort of prayer for patience. He flipped the food, then clicked off the burners. 

"Alright, sit. Eat," he instructed. 

Dean grumbled a bit as he sat down, looking at his phone yet again. Cas sat a bowl of tomato soup in front of him with goldfish crackers floating in it and set a small plate with a grilled cheese sandwich that was cut diagonally next to the bowl.

Dean chuckled. "What made you wanna make this?"

"You're sad and concerned. Also excited, but still in need of support. I know you have an emotional connection to food. I read that this meal would be soothing," Cas said with a sympathetic frown, eyebrows drawn together in a sweet, concerned expression.

Dean smiled. He decided not to inquire about which mommy blog Cas found it on, instead digging in, dipping the grilled cheese into the soup. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until Cas made him eat.

"That's better," Cas murmured, standing up and going to the refrigerator as Dean ate.

"'S real good, Cas," the hunter said, chewing the soup soaked sandwich. 

"I'm glad you like it. I enjoy cooking for you very much. Here, this was a pairing recommendation for the meal," Cas said, placing a glass down for Dean.

Dean blinked at it, chewing a couple times. He looked at the glass, then at Cas and swallowed. 

"Did you really just call milk a  _ pairing recommendation _ ?" He asked.

Cas nodded with a flat look as if challenging Dean to argue with him. He thought about taking the angel up on it for a moment, but instead, Dean just sipped the milk. 

"Uh… good pairing. Thanks," he said instead, raising the glass and inclining his head to Cas.

As Dean ate and calmed down a bit, he was able to chat a little easier with Cas, who stole a bite of the sandwich and the soup. 

"Hm. That's not unpleasant, " Cas said thoughtfully. He sipped the milk. "Not a bad pairing at all."

Dean really thought Cas, however excellent he may have become at cooking, was missing some of the finer cultural points surrounding food. However, he wasn't going to complain about having someone willing to feed him anything from burgers and pie to eggs Benedict to filet mignon to tomato soup with goldfish crackers, even if he did insist that milk was a valid "pairing". And it may not be fancy fare, but it was still delicious. 

The casual chatting between them was interrupted by Dean's phone vibrating once. 

Dean and Cas stared at the phone, face down on the table. 

"Check it. It might be Sam," Cas encouraged after a moment.

Dean shook his head. "You do it."

"Why? It's your phone. Whoever messaged you wants you to open it."

"It might be Sam. Just tell me what it says," Dean insisted. 

Castiel sighed, picking up the phone and clicking the screen on.

Castiel looked at it squinting.

"What does it say?" Dean asked gruffly, trying to cover his nervousness.

Cas sighed and slowly said, "It says: 'fifty percent off plus free sexy silicone vibrator today only' then there's a link and it says 'stop 2 end' using the numeral two."

Dean looked at him blankly. "Are you serious," he grumbled, snatching the phone back. 

Cas nodded with disappointment. He was finding himself impatient for the call as well. 

Dean aggressively stabbed at the goldfish in the bottom of the bowl of soup, mostly empty now.

Then the phone rang. Dean said nothing but shoved it toward Cas, who looked at the screen. 

"It's Sam. It says he wants to video chat."

"Okay okay, uhhh, pick it up, pick it up!" Dean said, making a nervous hand gesture.

Cas answered as the hunter had requested, then held the phone out at arms length, camera on Dean, rolling his eyes. 

"Heya, Sammy," Dean said with a huge, stagey smile, trying to cover his nervousness poorly.

"Hey. You busy? Cas around?"

"We're both here and we've been ready for your call, Sam," the angel said calmly, coming around the table to sit by Dean and crowding into the camera a bit. 

"Did you ask did you ask what did she  _ fucking _ say how did it go man?" Dean burst out.

"Well," Sam drawled with a serious look, "I asked her." He sounded downtrodden. 

"Yeah, and? What did she say?" Dean said impatiently and a little apprehensively. Dean hoped she said yes. 

There was a pause and the camera panned to the ceiling as Sam set the phone down. Dean thought the anticipation was going to kill him and he gripped the edge of the table, his knuckles white. 

Sam and Eileen picked the phone up together. "Hi Dean, hi Cas," Eileen said, "Sam told me to tell you that you're talking to the future MISSUS Eileen Leahy!" she grinned, pulling her hand up to show them the ring, glittering brilliantly on her finger. Sam smiled and kissed her sweetly. 

"Sam you damn faker!" Dean stood up and whooped, jumping up and down and clapping. Cas exclaimed and laughed, clapping as well.

After a while, Dean calmed enough to sit down, beaming with a brilliant smile. 

"Sam says you hurt his ears," Eileen giggled, pointing at Sam who was covering his ears.

"Yeah, I maybe got a little excited," Dean admitted. "I'm so happy for you guys."

They offered their thanks and Cas asked them to retell the event. Eileen was excited to tell how perfectly Sam had signed out the declaration of love and asked him to marry her, down on one knee. "I like him kneeling," she added with a naughty smile and Dean made an awful face. 

"Ha! Now you know how it feels! Not so funny, is it?" Sam cackled.

Dean grimaced at Sam in response. 

"Dean was very concerned about how long it was taking. I suggested you might be celebrating in a physical manifesting of romantic joy," he said. The comment didn't seem to land, so he elaborated quietly, "I'm referring to sex. Dean did not appreciate that suggestion."

Eileen laughed and Sam just blushed and shot Cas a bitchy look, while Dean glared at his angel too. 

"He waited all day to ask. I could tell he was nervous," Eileen said. 

Sam relaxed a little. "Uh, yeah. She said she knew I was gonna ask her, too."

"He was acting weird for weeks. It was either that or he was going to break up with me. I'm glad it wasn't that," she giggled.

"No. Sammy is totally smitten with you. I don't think you could get rid of him if you tried now," Dean chuckled. "You, uh… you take good care of him, will ya?" He says, smiling but the break in his voice caused Cas to wrap an arm and a wing around him. He knew it wasn't like they were getting married tomorrow, but he still felt the pang of loss in his chest.

"Of course. As much as I can. I'll make him live a little too though," she said with a wink. 

"You guys are perfect for each other. I'm happy for you guys. You're both great people and I… I really care about you both," Dean said. 

"He means to say he  _ loves _ you," Cas said, earning him a stunned look from his hunter. It was true, but he struggled to say it with anyone but Cas, especially right now when he was feeling vulnerable. But he turned back to the camera, nodding in agreement. Maybe he couldn't say it alone, but Cas could help translate. 

The conversation continued for a short while, Eileen occasionally flashing her ring with a smile. Rather adorably, she caught a glimpse of it herself a couple times and her excitement distracted her from what she was signing for a split second, making her burst into a brilliant smile each time. It looked perfect on her. 

He still didn't want to live apart from Sam, but seeing how happy and excited they were eased the ache of fear and concern in his chest. 

Soon the newly betrothed couple said their goodbyes as they couldn't wait to tell everyone, starting with Jody and Donna. 

As soon as they said their goodbyes and the video clicked off, Dean slumped against Cas and breathed him in. 

"Dean?" Cas asked softly, holding him close. He could feel the emotions - large, complex, mixed emotions - rolling off of Dean in violent waves now that he let himself feel it. 

"Just need you, Cas. I need you close to me," Dean muttered. "I'm okay."

Cas stroked his arm for a while as he held him, if a bit awkwardly in the small kitchen chairs. 

"I'm gonna miss him. And worry about him," Dean said. 

"Yes, I know. He'll miss you too. We'll still see each other regularly, I'm certain. I'm certain you'll talk everyday."

Dean nodded weakly. 

"Let's go to bed," Cas suggested gently, getting the hunter to his feet. He guided him gently to the bedroom even though he was fine and walking normally and laid him down on the bed. 

"What do you need, Dean? Anything, I'll bring it to you."

"Just you. Please? Stay with me," Dean said. 

"Of course," Cas said softly as he removed Dean's boots. 

"I'm not sick or hurt, Cas. You don't have to baby me. I can take my own shoes off."

"But you are hurt. Not physically, but a wound is a wound just the same," Cas said, setting the boots aside before kicking off his own shoes and shedding the coat, jacket, and tie. 

"I'm happy for them, I really am," Dean said, looking at Cas with helpless and genuine expression, his mossy jade eyes full of emotion.

"I know. Of course you are," Cas said with a softhearted smile ghosting his face. "I'm...unaccustomed to feeling things so deeply, but I am well aware you can feel more than one emotion simultaneously. It's alright to feel joy for them and grief, uncertainty for yourself, Dean." 

Cas laid next to Dean, propping himself up to look at the hunter. Miracle padded into the room and hopped onto the bed, laying at Dean's feet.

Dean sighed, giving Cas a tight lipped smile. "Yeah, I mean… I know. I think the thing that's the craziest is that maybe… I'm actually excited for us too. I didn't think I would be. And it  _ does _ hurt and I  _ am _ sad and... kinda freaked out about living away from Sammy. And leaving the bunker," he sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. "But… you know, the more I think of it the more I think it could be really good. The more I think you and Sam are right."

Cas nodded. "I'm excited to experience this with you. Finding a perfect home together. Making it special."

Even amid the tempest of conflicting emotions inside him, he couldn't help but flash a charming, if a bit corrupt grin at Cas. "Christening every room," he added.

Cas squinted, tilting his head. "Why would we do that?"

Dean chuckled. "It means fucking in all the rooms."

"Oh," Cas said, nodding, eyes wide. "Alright then. Yes. We should do that."

Dean shifted on to his side so he could stroke idly at the swaths of thick plumage, so soft and velvety against his fingers, smiling at Cas as he did so. 

"You've reminded me of something," Cas said, moving away and standing up. "One moment," he muttered, holding out a finger as Dean protested vocally, then disappearing for a second. 

When he came back, appearing as suddenly as he'd left, he was holding something loosely in his hands.

"I know you have nightmares. I am often here to soothe them away now, but on the occasions when I'm not, I thought this might be of assistance," and he held out his hands, waiting.

The hunter opened his hand just below Castiel's and the angel let the item drop. It was the feather Dean had accidentally plucked from Cas, now bound with wire to a smoky, dark looking crystal that was delicately etched with Enochian and hung from a small leather loop. Even though the feather wasn't attached, it still sent a weak jolt of energy through him on contact. 

"I did a miracle for someone. I healed them. I had some old magic imbued on the stone in return. I generally don't accept anything for miracles, but the person was rather insistent and I thought it would help you. It is unlikely to be strong enough on it's own to ward off some of the worse ones, but the grace from the feather and the Enochian should make it strong enough."

Dean looked up at Cas with a frown. "Guess you would know about the nightmares, huh? I should have put two and two together that you were doing something to get rid of 'em. I just thought it was having you close that kept 'em away."

Cas shook his head sadly. "I try to keep them away for you whenever I can."

The hunter looked down at the charm in his hand with a wistful smile, then set it on the shelf above the bed.

"Thanks, Cas. I'll hang it up tomorrow. I love it."

"And I love  _ you _ . Lie down, Dean. I would like to hold you," Cas said softly. He was always so gentle and sweet when Dean needed it most. The hunter stripped off his overshirt and jeans, then laid down as instructed. 

"I don't know how you sleep with your socks on," Cas said, suddenly naked, not that it surprised Dean anymore when Cas graced his clothing away to lay in bed. It amused Dean in a way that he dressed in layer upon layer or stripped completely naked as if those were the only options. The hunter did spare a momentarily chagrined glance at Miracle, as if embarrassed on Castiel's behalf.

"Why are you looking at him that way?" Cas said sharply, knowing the answer full well.

Dean knew this was a stupid argument they'd had before. Cas had taken Sam and Eileen's opinions in on the matter as well and felt vindicated when they agreed with him over Dean.

The hunter took a deep breath and said, "Cas… it just seems weird to be naked in front of the dog."

Cas sighed. "He doesn't care. It's natural. It's more normal to him than you wearing clothes. Besides," he said, plainly vexed, "he's naked too and you don't complain."

Now Dean sighed and held his hands up in a frustrated gesture, looking at the ceiling. "He's not naked! He has fur!"

"That's ridiculous, Dean. That's like saying that because you have hair you're wearing a hat."

"You can't see his junk, that's all I mean."

"Miracle doesn't care what I wear or not. He is a dog. He cares only if he is loved and fed, he doesn't care how much or how little clothing is worn as long as those two requirements are met," Cas huffed.

"I wasn't going to say anything, you asked."

"Because you were being preposterous."

"Will you  _ shut up _ and kiss me or something? You're being irritating."

Cas looked at him from the corner of his eye. "Yes, but only because it might stop you from saying such ridiculous things," he said, and snapped into motion swiftly, pinning Dean down playfully but with significant force, laying half on top of him. Cas then kissed the righteous man with a burst of exuberance, sweet and devoted, smiling into the kiss all the while and did not relent until he had Dean breathless. 

When Cas pulled away, he looked down at Dean with a smug and satisfied smirk. Then he let his eyes trail downward suggestively to Dean's swelling cock, pushing against his boxers. 

Cas made a humming sound as if pleased with himself, then laid beside Dean and placed an arm and a wing over him as he did every night he stayed. The hunter looked down, seeing only the wing. Miracle was out of view. 

"Can he see your wings?" Dean whispered. 

"Miracle? Oh yes. Most animals and infants can."

"So he can't see me?"

"No."

"Good. I don't wanna scar him for life," Dean said with a grin, still whispering even though Cas was speaking at normal volume. 

"Dogs have sex, too, Dean," Cas

"Shhh," he said, putting a finger to Castiel's lip after turning to be face to face with him, and cupping the angel's face and breathing into a sweet kiss, pulling away and coming back, pulling gently on Cas's lower lip. He kissed him soft and needy for a while, not wanting to let Cas go. 

"Will you stay tonight? All night?" The hunter asked softly.

"Of course."

"I don't want to be alone. Don't want you to go."

"I won't. I'll stay with you," Cas reassured. He was certain it had more to do with his raw emotions about living separately from Sam in the near future. But it felt nice to know he could comfort him through it.

"How long will you stay, Cas? I know that I know already. But tell me?" He asked.

Cas marveled at the naked vulnerability Dean was sharing. How he was able to just ask him for precisely what he needed. It was so novel and beautiful. This was not the Dean he had known even just a year ago. This was a man who was in bloom, flourishing. It was a beautiful thing to behold. 

"I'll stay with you forever, Dean. That's what I promised you. Do you remember when I gave you this?" He asked, tapping on Dean's necklace. 

"Yeah, I do."

"I promised you something. Tell me what I promised."

Dean let out a shaky breath. "You said… you'd never leave me as long as I'd have you. You said you'd always come back."

Cas nodded, then leaned his forehead to Dean's, looking at him in the shadowed glow of lamplight under his wing. "Yes. And then you promised me forever. So, that means...you'll have no choice other than to deal with me for eternity, by my understanding."

Dean smiled. "Can't get rid of you, huh?"

"No. I believe I am 'like a bad penny' as the saying goes."

"Nothing bad about you, sunshine. You're my lucky penny. Gotta keep you with me now," he murmured, then kissed him again. 

Cas smiled softly, kissing Dean's cheek. "Go to sleep. You're tired. I will hold you and watch over you."

Dean smiled back and let the emotional exhaustion of the day sink into his body and he leaned into Cas's strong embrace, taking comfort in his warmth and unwavering hand, placed right on the spot of the handprint he'd restored from all those years ago. 

Soon he was off to sleep, and he dreamed he was dancing slowly with someone for a long time. Dancing and dancing with someone special to a very slow and lovely song that he felt vibrating in his soul. He'd heard it before, he thought, but he couldn't place it. It was very simple, but it felt light and it started with a sort of melancholy sound underneath, but when it reached the end, the sound was bright and joyful. The song played in his dreams all night long. He kept dancing.

As Dean weakly smiled from time to time in his sleep, Cas kept humming, all night long, smiling right back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worry this might be the chapter I lose some of you. I think of it as a happy thing that the brothers would live separately, even if Dean is having some mixed emotions for now, but I know Ibe seen the fandom pretty divided on that. If that's not your happy ending, I'm sorry! <3 
> 
> I have two more chapters planned and then I think that's gonna be a wrap for this fic. 
> 
> And don't worry, I know I left you starving for smut. We will fix that. I know why you're here, it's okay. Just be patient for me. >; P


	15. Love Perseveres, but Wouldn't it be Sexier to Say it 'Grinds'?... No?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas find their dream home with a little help from above. 
> 
> On move in day, they set to work christening rooms with an impressive immediacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if I scared you guys! My COVID test came back negative, thank goodness. I was still pretty sick, but the doctor has me on the mend! Thank you for all the well-wishes. You all are so sweet it freaking slays me. I dunno what I did to get such a sweet group of readers! <3 <3 <3
> 
> One more chapter to go! =]

During the home search and first attempt at the home buying process, Dean had made a concerted effort to spend as much time with Sam as possible. It had eased some of his anxieties about living apart. He'd even taken Sam fishing, just the two of them and Miracle. They didn't catch anything worth keeping, but it was good to just relax and talk. 

They still weren't clear on what exactly Cas and Eileen had done or said while they were gone though. The two of them had a devious, amused avoidance when asked. It made Dean apprehensive that they were plotting something or spilling secrets.

Regardless of that though, all the brotherly bonding time made the Winchesters realize that they hadn't actually done anything  _ fun _ together in a very long time. They decided to schedule regular "bro nights" where they would just spend one-on-one time together at least once a month, more often if the mood struck them or if something interesting was going on. They still planned to hang out more often than that with Cas and Eileen in tow, though. The few months living with all four of them in the bunker after Sam proposed had made Dean warm up to the idea of their own separate spaces, especially knowing he wasn't far from Sam. 

Overall, the homebuying process was a nightmare. Dean hoped to never have to legally buy a home again, describing it as "worse than hell". It was an exaggeration, of course, but not as much of one as he would have liked. It had been an arduous, boring process and a near miss. On top of the already painstaking work of getting fake identities that matched up enough so that they could buy a house under them, the searching and signing and simply proving where the money came from took weeks of hacking and falsifying records and they were still missing some important documents. Dean had been losing hope. It devastated them when they missed their chance in the first house they had settled on.

Then finally, Dean had prayed to Jack and actually asked for some assistance. Most of his prayers were along the lines of "I saw a kid learning to drive today and thought of you," or just generally chatting with Jack, but he decided he was actually going to talk to Jack as  _ God _ . He felt really awkward and a little guilty about it, but he didn't see another way.

"Hey kid. I have… a bit of a favor to ask. I know I haven't been performing any miracles or saving anyone, but Cas sure has. Constantly. He's bringing water and to folks in need and healing people and comforting them and rescuing them and shit. He's - well he's being the sort of angel he always wanted to be. And uh… I just want to give  _ him _ this one thing. A home, of our own. And I can't seem to get it right. This is one thing I can't fight by ganking a monster or finding the right spell. It's all… just paperwork! I'm legally dead and that…that ain't even my biggest problem. I have a rap sheet a mile long." Dean thought about explaining that he had the Secret Service on him at one point for trying to kill the president, but decided that might be tactless to say to Jack, even though he already knew.

"I was hoping maybe, if you have the time… maybe you could wipe it all clean? And I could just be  _ Dean Winchester  _ again and buy Cas a damn house. I just want to give him this one thing and I can't get it right," he said, desperate. This was wrecking his pride, but he truly couldn't see another way. He knew it was unfair to ask Hid for personal favors, but he just needed this.

"I keep trying to do this, Jack. I'm trying. But my legal...identity, I guess? is so fucked, I'd need a miracle. I just want the right to be me again so I can give Cas a home and a life like he deserves," Dean said, hoping Jack would accept. 

"Oh, and, uh Sam might appreciate that too actually, he and Eileen are getting married," he added. "Uh, which you know. 'Cause you're omniscient and they invited you," Dean ended awkwardly with a shrug.

_ You had a lot to say today.  _ Jack's voice was tinged with warm amusement. 

"Uh, yeah. I guess I did."

_ I promised to be hands off. But resetting your criminal records and reactivating your social security numbers… that's a pretty small thing. Especially since you only got arrested while trying to save the world. Yes, you, Eileen, and Sam are all good to use your real identities. It's done. _

"Thank you. Thank you so much, kiddo. I just want to make him happy and… there's so much fucking crap, so much red tape. We couldn't seem to get it all figured out."

_ You're welcome, Dean. Setting old problems right… it's the least you all deserve.  _

A thick, heavy folder of documents was suddenly in his hand.

_ Your identities, all the paperwork, it's all in there. Probably the most benign prayer I've received today, actually. It doesn't unbalance anything. None of you are legally dead, no questions asked, and none of you have a criminal record anymore. Clean slate!  _ Jack seemed to project amusement and warmth.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Dean said laughing joyfully, flipping through their real birth certificates, up to date Kansas driver's licenses with their real names, oodles of documentation. There was even stuff for Cas.

Dean pulled out another document that caught his eye, a word that didn't quite makes sense -

"Oh… what's-," he cut off. Dean blushed, quietly tucking the paper back in the envelope. 

_ If you want it. If not, just shred it. I'll know. Or, you could shred it and do it your way. _

"No, that's uh… that's great. Thank you. Really, Jack. I'm grateful as hell."

_ You've thanked me enough. It's a small favor. Don't worry about it, please. Anyway, I'll see you soon, at the wedding.  _

"Yeah, it'll be good to have you there. Sammy and Eileen are so stoked. And I can't imagine a more perfect union than one blessed by actual god Jack Kline."

_ That's about the preamble of the US constitution, not marriage. _

"I know that, Jack. You think just 'cause you're god you know everything?" Dean accused playfully. 

_ Well...yes. _

"Kids these days."

\--------------------------------------------------

With their identities cleared up, they were able to start the home buying process - again. Thankfully, not only were their records and identities clean, but apparently Dean's fake names had been replaced in the memory of the mortgage officer and his coworkers, so he had one less thing to worry about. He didn't have to go by Dean Campbell at work anymore.

It was nice to be able to use his real name again - it was funny, he'd been spending so much time using fake identities, he hadn't realized how draining it was until he had the option to stop.

Dean was grateful that the damn mortgage went better this time. Jack had retroactively filed their fake taxes and all those legal documents with thorough divine perfection, apparently. While the house they had wanted sold too fast fter months of searching and falsifying records and laundering money, a new one that was so much more perfect popped up. Without a hitch, they got the house - none of that shady stuff needed. 

They had celebrated with Sam and Eileen by having dinner at Buffalo Roam, a place they had frequented since their first date so much that they had become quite chummy with Sarah who gave them all a round on the house to congratulate them all.

The house they'd fallen in love with was a simple old two story farmhouse just outside Lebanon, maybe a ten minute drive from the bunker and a tad closer to Dean's job. All of the actual farmland around it had been bought up. The house was on about two partially wooded acres, surrounded by corn and soy fields. Through the woods, there ran a small creek, with a wide pool near one end of the property that was perfect for some light fishing.

Now that it was summer, the crops surrounding the home in the distance were visible from the wraparound porch and the breeze rattled the cornstalks gently. There were crickets and fireflies at night that gave it an enchanting, cozy ambiance. There was an old, poorly maintained space for a garden in the back that Dean was determined to gut all the dead plants from and make a bigger, grander garden and apiary for Cas than before.

It was a quiet and simple home, but Dean started talking about improvements he'd like to make when they first toured it. Cas noticed his enthusiasm immediately. If it was up to the hunter, it wouldn't be a simple, modest home for very long by the sounds of it.

The house was in the middle of the property at the end of a long paved driveway that led up to a detached three car garage and workshop behind the house, much newer than the home. The house itself had been lovingly maintained. It was built in 1910 and had lovely walnut woodwork throughout and hardwood floors. Nothing extravagant, but beautiful nonetheless. The living room had a huge picture window that Dean loved. There were three bedrooms, and the main bedroom had an ensuite with a big clawfoot tub. The kitchen was spacious and full of light, and while it didn't compare to the bunker's galley, Cas was certain he would love cooking in it. The floor tiles were a pale yellow and in the shape of hexagons, reminding him of honeycomb. Dean wanted to replace it but Cas wouldn't have it, he liked them. He imagined making Dean and their family and friends holiday meals in this kitchen, and at that moment the place felt like a godsend. 

Their favorite part inside was the red brick fireplace and the big mantle that made the living space feel cozy and elegant whether it was lit or not.

"This Christmas, I'll make you watch It's a Wonderful Life while the fire is going and we can see the snow fall out that big window while we cuddle on a big cozy couch. We'll put it here, and the TV will go there..." Dean had said during the tour, making excited hand gestures as he indicated where everything would go.

And now, here they were - moving day. Miracle was spending time in the bunker with Sam and Eileen to keep him out from underfoot while they moved in. The other couple had offered to help with the move, but Cas pulled Eileen aside and explained that he could move almost everything with grace, and then as he added the barest hint of some of his plans with Dean on their first night in their home, she grabbed his hands to make him stop signing, giggling and exclaiming "You can't tell me that! Not now!"

Eileen just told Sam " _ You don't want to know," _ and Dean kept asking what was going on but no one would tell him as Cas looked sheepishly at his shoes.

They brought a bit of furniture from the bunker, but if it wasn't in the Dean Cave, the garden, or their bedroom, they left it. Since the bed in the bunker was built in, Dean bought the king sized bed he had wanted to get so Cas could stretch his wings a bit more. Cas still insisted it was unnecessary and that he intended to sleep just as close to Dean.

They were still lacking some key furniture, but Dean wasnt worried. "We'll buy all our own stuff. Just how we like it," he had explained to Cas. 

Cas had been able to take a few pieces of furniture - bedside tables, recliners, the TV and TV stand - from the bunker and just take it to the house, but on the final moving day, Dean insisted on carrying at least some of the few boxes. They had them all hauled to the house in the Impala in two trips.

"It's sorta symbolic to move the boxes, Cas. A new start," he'd stated cheerfully. Cas rolled his eyes. It felt annoying, not symbolic.

When the hunter wasn't paying attention though, Cas just used his grace to move a few things at a time. Sometimes the human way took too long. Although, Castiel did appreciate seeing Dean moving and working, sweaty in the summer heat in his torn up jeans and t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Cas let his gaze linger over the muscles of his arms, the way his jaw set when he went to pick up something heavy, the way his tongue peeked out of his mouth when he was thinking about where to put things. Cas found that he particularly liked it when Dean bent over. 

So much so in fact that at one point when Dean bent over, Cas found himself believing he'd found the perfect opportunity to try one of the kinks they'd discussed but had not yet explored. Cas had felt guilty and apprehensive at the idea before, but this moment seemed perfect to explore. He just felt strong interest, no concern.

_ Smack _

Dean's whole body jerked and he yelped, standing upright and rubbing the affected ass cheek. 

He turned to face Cas with a look that morphed through several reactions - offended, then surprised, then amused and then downright naughty.

"What the-? Where did you learn to do  _ that _ ?" It was said as a knee-jerk reaction - he knew the answer.

"I learned that from the pizza man," Cas rumbled with a smirk, lifting Dean bodily to sit on the back of the Impala and then grabbing the back of the hunter's head and kissing him deeply.

When Cas broke away, Dean was sitting there with a dazed, dopey grin. 

"Well, damn. I can see why Meg was so impressed," he said, smiling after a moment trying to compose himself. 

Cas said nothing, but swiftly lifted him again, this time in a bridal carry and marched into the house with a determined look, not accepting Dean's protestations which quickly turned into smitten chuckling, even as he smacked the angel playfully and flailed in his grip, demanding be let go all the way. 

"Don't carry me around like a damsel in distress. Put me down!" He grumbled, but his sappy grin betrayed any actual anger in his reaction.

Cas ignored him and simply brought him inside and kicked the door closed behind them. A hint of a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. 

"I believe we are to 'christen' each room, you said. Where should we start?" Cas said, voice low and smoky, finally cracking a smile at Dean. 

"Let me go, dude," Dean grumbled sarcastically, squirming but unable to break the angelic grip - although he was still smiling.

Cas gently set him down, but the second he did so he laid another punishing smack on Dean's ass. This one didn't catch Dean unawares, but it still sucked the breath from his lungs. Cas was hella strong. 

"Alright, you know what-," Dean said, swiftly grabbing the angel's arms and pinning them up by his head, shoving Cas up against the door and grinding slowly against the angel with his teeth flashing in a playful but debauched grin.

Cas couldn't really be shoved around or held captive if he didn't want to, which Dean was well aware of, but it was, he supposed, a sort of roleplay. 

"Dean," Cas uttered, his face so close that his breath tickled the hunter's face. "It's Friday."

"Yeah it is, isn't it," Dean groaned softly, grinding away.

"Did you recall what you are supposed to do on Fridays...?" Cas asked, voice even lower and rougher than usual as Dean continued grinding slowly against him.

"Mmhm," Dean said, looking at Cas through ardent, wanting eyes, releasing one of Castiel's hands. Dean took his free hand and raked his fingers through Cas's feathers, breathing in the scent of the pheromones. 

Cas let a finger dip below the waistline of Dean's jeans and the hunter stilled his movements. Cas hooked his finger around soft, slick fabric and pulled it up, revealing a peek at a pair of sky blue satin panties.

"New. That's a nice color," Cas complimented, exhaling sharply. 

"Reminded me of your eyes," Dean said with a devilish grin, "I really like Fridays, Cas. Best day of the week." 

"I certainly agree," Cas said. 

Castiel didn't actually care about the panties themselves one way or the other - as he had said before and would maintain, he preferred Dean completely naked, natural. What he did love about their little Friday ritual was the thrill of confidence and sexual power Dean seemed to draw from and absolutely radiate with when wearing the panties all day, usually under his coveralls at work. Keeping his secret over the course of the day got him worked up and excited, ready to jump Cas the very second he could get him alone.

Dean hadn't expected his mostly repressed kink to get much attention even after their fireside conversation. But one night a couple months prior to moving day, Cas had finally come across the couple pairs of panties Dean kept neatly and very discreetly tucked away in a shoebox in his closet underneath some old cassette tapes. Dean never did question why or how the angel had come across them, because his mind went absolutely blank when he came in his room after work one night to a naked angel hanging a pair of pink lacy boyshorts from his index finger idly, commanding simply "put them on". 

After that, they had added more pairs to his collection from time to time and they looked forward to their Friday ritual all week. This Friday was different of course, because Dean had taken the day off so they could move in, so Cas was pleasantly surprised that he remembered. 

"What do you wanna get up to, huh? We got a new house, new furniture, new panties to break in. Lotta work to do," Dean purred, low and charmingly in Castiel's ear. Cas couldn't see his face as the hunter began nibbling on his earlobe, but he could tell there was a wicked grin on his lips from the curve of them against his ear, at the same time as his free hand stroked Cas's wing along the scapular feathers, slow and firm.

Cas gasped softly. "Ah, I've never… 'broken in' a house before. What do you think? Tell me."

"Hmmm," Dean moaned softly as he ended his delightful assault on Cas's ear. "Kitchen first. Sound good?"

Cas nodded greedily, and Dean was releasing him and leading him into the mostly-bare kitchen, full of ebullient and wanton energy, tugging Cas along.

"Lose the clothes, Cas. All of yours and most of mine," Dean demanded with a cocksure grin.

It amused and yet intrigued Cas how Dean used to reject things that he viewed as feminized, yet he became the most confident and demanding, of all times, whilst wearing women's underwear. 

With a wave of his hand and a hungry, dark look, all their clothes were gone except the hunter's silky panties with the tiny white bow on the center of the waistband and two strips of ivory lace running parallel vertically along the front, highlighting how snug they were around his dick and balls.

"I like this pair very much, Dean," Cas rumbled, raking over Dean with a smoldering look, hesitating appreciatively over the underwear. In actuality, he thought they were alright. But he liked how worked up Dean got about them and early on, the hunter had coached him on how to talk the talk for their Friday rendezvous. 

"Yeah? Show me  _ how _ much then, sweetheart," Dean demanded with a swagger in his voice.

Cas stepped over to Dean, padding across the cool tile floor, then grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around so Cas was behind him. Then he bent his righteous man over the butcher block counter firmly, making him groan, and Cas ground his cock firmly against Dean's ass, enjoying the smooth slip against the fabric between them. 

Cas backed away, keeping a hand in the center of his lover's back and then slapping Dean's ass with his free hand. Cas's hand smacked the meat of the hunter's ass loudly, half on the fabric and half on skin. The hunter jerked and gasped in response. The angel looked at the red outline of his palm on the man's skin, pulling the underwear aside to admire the mark for a moment, then gently caressing it. 

Dean huffed out a dark, needy chuckle. "Have I been a bad babysitter?" He asked, amused.

"No. You've never been a bad anything," Cas said softly, suddenly very tender as he continued his sweet caress over the area of impact. 

Dean felt the sting fade under Castiel's hand. "Did you - did you fucking  _ heal _ that?"

Cas sighed, "I didn't mean to smack you that hard," he defended. 

Dean just chuckled. "Softy."

Cas leaned down close, bending forward over his hunter as he pushed Dean back down flat against the counter. 

"We shall see if you still think I'm so  _ soft _ when I make you ruin your new panties. You're going to keep them on for me when you come," Cas growled, pressing the hunter firmly back down on the counter with one hand and pulling the panties further aside roughly with the other. Dean shuddered in delight. 

Cas impatiently slid grace into Dean, making the man moan indecently at the divine intrusion with a shudder. The angel didn't feel like opening boxes to find lube or waiting for prep. He used the grace to open the hunter up and slick Dean's hole, quick and sweet, then slid his cock inside smoothly and slowly, waiting for Dean to adjust to him.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean gasped raggedly, "You feel so good."

Cas could only moan the hunter's name in response, already lost in the sensation as Dean pushed back against him, urging him deeper into the wet heat of him.

Sex on Fridays did not usually last long, and Cas feared this would be no exception. He was feeling very connected to his vessel and to Dean, emotional over their new home and this new chapter for their happy middle, excited about Dean… it was a lot for anyone to handle. 

Cas snaked one hand around to palm Dean's hard cock through the panties, eliciting a depraved hiss from the hunter as Cas set a smooth, steady rhythm, striking that perfect spot with every damn thrust. The hiss melted into a shaky inhale as Cas kept rubbing the hunter's aching, swollen cock through the silky panties firmly in a sinuous rhythm. 

"Cas, oh  _ fuck _ ," he groaned, rolling his hips back into his angel again, lost in the sensation tearing through his body in white-hot waves of pleasure and the perfect aching tension low in his belly.

" _ Come _ ," Cas commanded, panting as he sheathed his cock deep inside. 

Dean groaned at the order, but he wasn't quite there. Cas's pace picked up and his rhythm became more irregular, moaning softly and tossing his head back, struggling slightly to keep from coming himself.

"I said to come, Dean," Cas groaned again, and that desperate intonation on saying the hunter's name as he slid deep again - it was too much. Dean came with a throaty cry, the come hot and thick, but still dripping through the slick fabric all over the angel's palm. 

"So good for me. Yes," Cas groaned.

The angel was only seconds behind him, and Dean moaned again as he felt the heat spill and spread inside him as light filled the kitchen and dining room. The glass in all the lightbulbs and windows shattered, making Dean cover his ears even as he rode out the waves of his own orgasm. A gust of hot air blew some errant papers around in a whirlwind as the couple lay there, bent over the counter, panting. It took Dean a moment to realize that Cas had shielded them from the falling glass with his wings.

Cas lazily waved a hand as soon as he was reasonably recovered, fixing all the windows and fixtures. 

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

Dean chuckled lightly. "You haven't blown the glass out in a while," he said, standing upright, looking down at the come soaked underwear before shucking them off with a lingering glance before walking off to throw them in the laundry room just down the hall. 

Cas shifted on his feet, looking abashed, his feathers prickling up. "Mm, I am just… feeling especially close to you today," Cas grumbled loudly so Dean could hear him in the other room. He was feeling a little embarrassed.

There was a sound of rummaging for a bit before Dean came back with a fresh pair of boxers and trotted right up to Cas, laying a big sloppy kiss on him with a smile. 

"I don't mind, sunshine, as long as you keep fixing it up. I was just noticing. And I'm feeling close to you too, y'know," the hunter said, eyes alive with light as he smiled. Cas was taken in by the movement and brilliance of his soul again. He often felt stunned by how much more active and close to the surface of his being Dean's soul was now. Happy.

"Of course. I'm proud of our home. I will not leave it in shambles."

"Let's get the rest of the boxes and then -," Dean started, but he blinked and Cas was gone. In a second he was back and all the boxes were inside. 

"Cas, you fucking dork. Fine," Dean said, shaking his head. "We can just start putting the essentials away and making sure there's room for the furniture being delivered tomorrow."

Cas held Dean's gaze for a moment, then simply crossed his arms and said, "No."

"You always do that," Dean said, frustrated, "what do you mean 'no'? No  _ what _ ?"

Instead of answering, Cas put two fingers in Dean's forehead and the hunter felt a rush of cool energy rush through him, but he didn't feel any different. 

"Huh? What did you do, Cas?" There was a time Dean would have been frustrated or concerned by that sort of behavior, but these days, he just found himself curious. 

"I reset your refractory period so you can experience arousal and orgasm anew without delay. I would like to do something with you," Cas said simply, turning away and beginning to look at the boxes until he found a smaller one labeled "bedroom".

"Ah, here," he said, ignoring Dean's befuddled gestures to rifle through the box. He found the Enochian handcuffs and tossed them to Dean. 

"You promised to show me, and I'm tired of waiting," Cas said matter of factly, standing to face his righteous man with an impatient look, his wings spread proudly behind him.

Dean lifted his brows in a surprised expression, then sucked his teeth and he flashed a wicked grin. 

"Okay, that's… a neat trick you coulda mentioned before, Houdini. Alright, come on. Bedroom, Cas."

"Houdini couldn't do that. He had no actual powers. He was only skilled in sleight of hand and charisma."

Dean shook his head. "That's… not the point," he laughed as he grabbed Castiel's hand and pulled him towards the bedroom eagerly. Cas's trick had worked - the idea of having the angel captive and eager for him had his blood rushing southward.

The room was basically bare. There were two boxes and a new king sized mattress laid on the floor (thankfully Dean had had the forethought to hastily make the bed), and the two end tables from the bunker, plus a large floor-to-ceiling mirror Dean had found at a thrift store shortly after closing on the house and had insisted on getting, much to Castiel's confusion.

"Now, what do I wanna do with you…?" Dean mused aloud, letting his gaze rake over the angel, biting his lip and swinging the handcuffs from his finger. 

"Whatever you like," Cas breathed desperately, wings shivering and feathers prickling with evident want, "I have become more comfortable with the idea of being 'at your mercy'."

Dean chuckled in a dark tone, smooth and deliciously impure. "Do I want your hands in front of you or behind you?" He mused, looking at Cas hungrily. "Hmm… in front of you. Wanna see your face. Lay down, angel," he growled with a dangerous light in his eyes. 

Cas practically threw himself in the mattress, hands held together in front of him, wings spread beneath him in a gorgeous display. 

"So needy, Cas," Dean purred, sinking to his knees on the mattress and then positioning himself between the angel's legs. He dramatically clicked open the handcuffs and then snapped them around Castiel's wrists, meeting his eyes with a grin when they were secure on him. 

The wings beneath him were slack and their shine dulled, color muted. A sign the handcuffs had separated him completely from his grace. 

"How do you feel?"

"Excited, I believe. I've been waiting. I want to understand."

Dean nodded. "Just, uh - we'll start slow, okay? You're usually not at full human sensitivity even when you lower your shields, you know? I don't wanna overwhelm you. And if you don't like something, just tell me. You know I don't want to really hurt you, Cas."

"I know Dean. I recall our safeword as well. I can use our bond to speak with you. I know you'll take good care of me. Now, show me."

Dean smiled, warm but mischievous. He leaned down and laid himself over Cas, pressing their bodies together, and began to softly kiss him, cupping his face sweetly.

Cas knew Dean had said he'd start slowly, but this felt a bit more exaggerated than necessary. He couldn't complain for long, however, because soon the kiss became deeper, hungrier, more teeth than tongue. And when Cas was breathless, Dean moved on, nipping at his ear, down his neck, along his collarbone. Hands that had started by cupping his face were squeezing hard and roaming down his shoulders, chest, and arms. 

"God, that little trick of yours is awesome, Cas. I want you so bad already," he huffed before latching his lips onto his favorite spot in the hollow between Castiel's neck and collarbone met and sucking hard, nipping and lapping all the while. Cas bucked up against him and cried out, a beautiful sound that sent hot pleasure running through Dean's body.

When Dean released the suction to admire the mark, he groaned softly. "So good," he said, eyes still on the blooming bruise. His eyes flicked up to meet Cas's, gaze warm. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel...wonderful. I feel so cared for by you. That's not... what I expected to feel from this sort of interaction. I think I'm beginning to understand," he said, a dazed smile on his face.

Dean chuckled. "I told you. It's not about really hurting. It's about trusting and needing each other."

"Bite me like I bit you," Cas demanded. 

Dean chuckled and clicked his tongue, shaking his head. 

"Uh-uh. Ask nicely. Say please," Dean said, playfully but plainly eager to hear the angel ask.

Cas swallowed and looked at him, a little vexed and slightly confused.

"Dean," he said softly, "Please bite me?"

"How hard?"

" _ Hard _ ," Cas panted. "Please," he added as a bitter afterthought.

"As you wish," Dean chuckled, winking before lowering his face to the angel's chest, hovering for a moment over the swell of muscle before slowly biting. He was being very careful and slowly ramping up the pressure. He slowly bit down until he heard that perfect stuttered inhalation and felt Cas's hips grind slightly against him in response. He held the pressure for a moment, then slowly released. He kissed the spot gently, looking up at the angel. His head was thrown back against the pillow, eyes closed. His hands were curled into fists between them, and looking down behind them Dean could see his toes were curled. 

"Oh, you liked  _ that _ , didn't you?" The hunter crooned softly, feeling awed and self-satisfied. Cas nodded, not opening his eyes.

"It - ah, it felt nice."

Dean huffed indignantly. " _ Nice _ , huh? Just  _ 'nice' _ ? I can do better than  _ that _ ," he said, pressing his fingers deep into the grip he had on Cas's upper arms and raking his teeth roughly down on the other pec into another bite, harsher than before, really getting a mouthful of muscle and snapping his teeth down with a depraved sound. Cas gasped and writhed, moaning. 

The hunter released after a few moments, letting his gaze linger over the light purple imprints left behind, feeling a slight pang of guilt along with a rush of arousal. "You okay, Cas? That, uh… that too hard?" His eyes flashed up in concern. 

Cas laughed softly. "No. It was perfect."

Dean's expression went flat. "What are you laughing for?" He snapped. 

"I am amused. I understand your need for this better already, and now it seems like you understand my concern for you better as well. Tell me, if you could heal me would you be tempted? Even though I wouldn't want you to?" Cas asked, amusement dancing in his eyes.

Dean decided he'd had enough of the angel's amusement. He snapped a hand over Castiel's mouth. 

"You're goddamn mouthy, Cas," he said, pressing his hand down firmly. Cas just gave him a challenging look, arching his brow in the way that would normally make Dean weak in the knees. Even restrained and powered off, he had a merciless, defiant streak in him.

Dean was lost in the angel's stormy eyes for a few moments before he remembered he was supposed to be keeping a promise. He removed the hand over Castiel's mouth to give him a punishing, hard kiss, putting his hands in Cas's hair, then tugging on it sharply, pulling a soft desperate sound from the angel. 

Cas rolled his hips against Dean, but the hunter stilled his desperate motions by moving a hand to press down hard on one of the angel's sinful hip bones. The denial of friction had Cas groaning in frustration as well as want.

"Not yet. I'm gonna make you needy first," Dean chuckled.

"Dean, I'm ready, I'm extremely...needy," Cas huffed, trying to squirm against Dean even as he held him still. The angel's hands flexed in frustration against his bonds and his brows drew together in frustration. 

Dean just chuckled softly. "Oh no. Needier. Much needier," he said. Dean suddenly released his grip on the angel's hip and raked his blunt nails and calloused fingertips down Castiel's chest and abdomen. He knew it didn't compare to long manicured nails clawing on skin, but it still made Cas react gorgeously for him.

The hunter moved down his angel's body slowly, trailing kisses and nips along Castiel's stomach to spend time on those hips. All of Cas was pretty amazing, but Dean had a special interest in his angel's sharp jutting hip bones. He placed gently teasing kisses coupled with sharp nips in trails down his lover's body. 

From there, he placed kisses and nibbles down and around to the inside of Castiel's thigh. He took the opportunity to grip them hard and squeeze them, stroke them appreciatively, letting a deep sound that felt animal rumble out of him. He then sunk a bite into the sensitive spot and made a throaty growl. Dean was rough with his hands too, grasping and squeezing and sliding in aggressive motions, revelling in the ecstasy of simple contact with Cas.

Without warning, he released Cas and shot upright. "Shit," Dean cursed suddenly, "We didn't get the lube," he griped, moving to get up and search for it bitterly.

"Don't -," Cas said, urging him to stay. "Before you put on the handcuffs… I-,"

Dean excitedly finished, "Grace lube. You prepped yourself for me."

Cas nodded. "Please?" 

That was a sound Dean found himself craving. "Say that again, Cas," he demanded.

Cas shot him a dark, obstinate look and stayed silent. He didn't feel it was becoming of an angel to beg. He'd asked nicely plenty enough.

A wicked smile broke out of Dean's face. He stood up slowly, standing at the foot of the mattress and looking down at the angel laying at his feet. Cas was looking up at him in confusion. 

"You wanna play that game? Fine. Don't listen. Just watch," he said, palming himself through his boxers. "I'll get mine either way," he said, pulling the waistband of his boxers down out of his way and slowly sliding them down to the floor with a wink. Cas had a little kink about watching - and if he wasn't going to play nicely, Dean would play dirty.

Cas was glaring at him from down on the mattress, but each sweet stroke of Dean's hand along his cock had Cas's eyes following hungrily. Cas was watching, his tongue darting out to wet his parched lips. He was squirming and panting on the mattress, his own cock swollen and angry, untouched and dripping. 

Dean's eagerness to perform was impressive. He was dramatically touching himself, not even concerned with his own pleasure but with making Cas regret being so stubborn. The hunter was moaning performatively and looking right at Cas who was looking daggers back at him, but the angel's hands flexing against the cuffs and his breath catching gave away. Cas was reactive and sensitive to things in a whole different way when he was cut off from his grace. 

Cas watched Dean in frustration for quite a while, or so it felt. The angel's eyes were lingering over the hand that was slowly stroking over his length, the hint of a smug, wicked grin on his lips even as sweet sounds poured from his mouth, the way his necklace swung lightly in time with his movements, his body moving in an intoxicating rhythm, never taking his sharp viridian eyes of off Cas. The angel's drifted over the brand of his plan on Dean's shoulder. The way his jaw set as he pleasured himself, greedy and base right there before Cas.

"Please! I... Please," Cas exclaimed angrily. 

Dean laughed -  _ he had the gall to laugh _ \- and said in a mock innocent tone, "Please  _ what _ , honey?"

Cas scowled. "Please… penetrate me. Please."

If it were anyone else, Castiel's version of pillow talk would be a buzzkill. But Dean had found that you can sort of get used to it and even very technical terms like "penetration" can carry a sort of arousing power when wielded correctly. Well, not really. But it was Cas and that was turn-on enough.

But Cas wasn't done. He looked at Dean very deliberately and said, "I mean to say, Dean… please fuck me hard." 

It was meant to be a mockery of when the hunter had asked him to do the same, but it came out desperate and strangled, not mocking at all.

Dean was back on the mattress before he could process it. Cas didn't curse that very often. When he did, it made Dean wild with want. Something about angels doing naughty things- well, maybe that was another kink.

Cas smirked. Dean may have him begging and restrained, but he still had some control here. Dean was too busy making sure grace had adequately prepped Cas to notice the angel's satisfied look, which promptly dissolved into pleasured gasps and needy glances.

"So ready for me," Dean growled. 

"Yes," Cas hissed.

Dean gripped his cock and looked into Castiel's eyes as he pressed inside the angel, sinking slowly into him. The angel arched his back, gasping raggedly beneath the hunter who made a rough rumbling sound in his throat, drunk with lust. 

"Never done this… like this with you, Cas. Gotta tell me if it hurts or you don't like it. Got it?" Dean rasped.

Cas nodded.

"Won't start too fast," Dean said, already past the point of full sentences. Cas was just frustrated he was taking so long. The hunter waited for a moment until he felt Cas relax.

Dean then did something surprising to Cas - he lifted the angel's legs up and braced them against his own shoulders, lifting Cas's hips off the mattress several inches. This was new to Cas. 

The hunter let him adjust, being very careful. Then when Cas nodded, he angled deep into Cas and gave a slow exploratory thrust. Cas groaned immediately at the depth. Dean looked so lovely kneeling there, grasping Castiel's thighs tight to his chest like a lifeline. 

"Good? Cas, is it good?" He asked, eyes fluttering open, being still for a moment.

Cas looked at him through hooded, lust blown eyes and nodded, breathlessly saying "oh, yes."

It took monumental effort, but Dean began slow but sharp strokes. Each impact of flesh on flesh had him hungry for more, and the way Cas cried out - so unusually loud and wanton - it made it difficult not to snap into the intense rhythm he intended to build to immediately. 

Dean's grip on Cas's thighs was brutal and his fingertips dug in deliciously hard. Each thrust had him deep inside the angel, making Cas wild. Cas was normally more or less quiet in bed, at least compared to Dean, but at this moment the wild, depraved sounds coming from him were making it hard for the hunter to focus.

Slowly, Dean finally reached the pace he desired. "You okay, Cas?" He asked, breathless, panting. The short sentence took effort. 

Cas nodded as he moaned, or attempted to - the way Dean was moving his body with the force of his hips it made it difficult. 

"Dean - there!"

That was better confirmation. Dean practically attacked the spot Cas indicated, his pace wild and each thrust causing Cas to grunt on impact. 

"There?"

"Yes!" 

It was the mostly beautiful sound Dean had ever heard. The "yes" told him he was on the right path, but also the rough breathlessness of it, the way it sounded like Cas was letting go, the way it sounded like the angel was close and desperate - it was perfect.

"Gonna come for me?" Dean huffed, panting and gasping himself, sweat pouring from him.

Cas was unable to form any more words now. His mind was abuzz and alight with that sort of fuzzy, intoxicated feeling he got when he was close. He was looking at Dean helplessly, knuckles white as he made fists in his restraints, body absorbing the force of each heavenly, wild thrust Dean was making into him, forceful and much rougher than he usually got with the angel. It was delectable. 

"Castiel," Dean groaned, "My Cas." He was struggling to keep his eyes open and on Cas. He knew how important it was to Cas to look in his eyes and he was trying but he couldn't help but let them fall closed as he kept drilling into the angel, sweat glimmering in the sunlight coming through the window. Cas thought he looked gorgeous like that.

The moment Cas came, he screamed. It wasn't in pain but it was the most unbridled, ecstatic, ragged scream and it made Dean root his cock as deep as he could inside his lover. The hunter came then too, his head thrown back and uttering a victorious yell of his own, almost a roar. It felt like a moment where time froze and the only two people in all the universe were Castiel and Dean. They did not perceive anything but each other, not the drag of the sheets below them, not the light coming in from the window, not the faint sound of the air conditioner blowing. Just them.

As the final waves of the angel's orgasm tore through him, Dean made him groan again when the hunter drew two fingers through the pool of come on Castiel's stomach. Dean brought the fingers to his mouth, tasting it with a debauched sound, looking into Cas's eyes the whole time. 

"Dean," Cas uttered weakly, his body shaking. The hunter grinned and licked his lips as his only response.

Dean was sweating and it made him smell heavenly to Cas. Their panting began to slow. Dean pulled out with a soft sound, gently guiding his lover into a more comfortable position. He released the handcuffs, and was delighted to see Castiel's wings revert back to their glorious dark color and brilliant shine. Cas's breath slowed and in a moment, he used his grace to clean them up. Dean collapsed next to him, closing his eyes and clinging to Cas, feeling delightfully exhausted and completely in awe of his angel. They gravitated naturally into a tender embrace. After several minutes, Dean opened his eyes.

"You okay, Cas? Was I too rough? You feel okay? Need anything?" 

Even though his questions were concerned and rapid-fire, his voice was soft and kind, as was the caress he drew across Cas's cheek.

Cas chuckled deep in his throat. "I am...very much more than 'okay'. I think I understand much more fully now why you crave my dominance over you."

Dean bristled a bit. "I don't know if I'd call it  _ dominance… _ " he mumbled, even though he was fully aware that it was definitely the right word.

"I would. And I enjoyed it very much. I like that we can both experience that," Cas said, bringing a hand to the hunter's face. "Ah, there. I love so see you blush. So beautiful."

Dean cleared his throat. "We usually do it, um, y'know with you…  _ dominating _ ," he mumbled, blushing even more deeply, "and I like that. But sometimes, it's, uh, pretty nice to do it this way too. Where I'm… dominating you." The hunter's face was a brilliant red.

"Yes. I like it both ways as well. I find that when I give you control I am entirely ruled by sensation. It's...incredible to be so physically connected with you."

"Yeah?" Dean asked with a smile. He would be lying if he tried to deny that this was boosting his ego.

"Yes," Cas affirmed simply. "Are you hungry? I can make you something."

"Mmhm. Very," Dean giggled, kissing Cas slowly. "But there's a tradition on your first night in a new home."

"What's that?" Cas asked curiously.

"Pizza. Whaddya want on yours?"

Cas gave him an exhausted look. "Mine…? You can't possibly eat an entire pizza yourself."

"I can and I will! And breadsticks too! I burned a lot of calories today, I earned it!" 

Cas sighed. "Hawaiian, then."

Dean shot him a dirty look, then held his hands up in a defeated gesture. "This is the guy I fall in love with. The guy who thinks pineapple belongs on pizza."

Cas gave him an incredulous look. "No, you have absolutely  _ no right _ to question _my_ food choices. I have witnessed you putting pasta inside a taco shell and eating it."

Dean shrugged. "It's a good snack! But fine, I'll order your blasphemy pie," he said, standing up to find his phone and place the order, searching for his clothes as well.

"Blasphemy? You speak to  _ me  _ of blasphemy? You blaspheme incessantly. What we spent the day doing could be considered perhaps the most physical manifestation of blasphemy," Cas said, his voice level but vexation evident. 

"Hi. Yeah, I'd like to place an order. Delivery. Dean said as he shook with suppressed laughter. He loved getting Cas riled up over nothing like this.

"Shhh, sunshine, I'm on the phone. Thin crust or hand tossed?" Dean was smiling, pleased to have Cas riled up. His feathers literally ruffled when he was frustrated. It was hilarious. 

Cas crossed his arms. "Thin."

Dean made a disgusted face. "Uh, thin I guess," he said into the phone. 

Cas continued muttering about blasphemy as he milled out into the house, gracing his clothes back on and indignantly started grabbing boxes and putting things away. 

"Uh-huh, eight piece order of breadsticks. Yeah, cheese sauce. Ooh! And the garlic butter. Yeah, there's more. A meat lover's, large. Extra bacon, extra cheese. Yes, please. Hand tossed. Okay, thanks," Dean said, hanging up the phone and following Cas out to the living space.

"Dean, you  _ cannot _ eat all that."

"We have a fridge, Cas. Leftovers, buddy."

"I know you. You have no intention of saving any. You'll get sick," he called from the other room.

"I won't get sick. If I did, you'd fix me anyway."

The angel shot him a dirty look, as if to say maybe he wouldn't "fix him up", but said nothing for a moment. Finally, he grimaced and said, "You frustrated purposefully," giving Dean a sharp look.

Dean chuckled and grabbed Cas, bringing him into a warm embrace.

"Maybe. Maybe 'cause I was nervous," Dean said playfully, "Maybe I was worried you'd run off with the pizza man."

Cas looked at the hunter seriously. "Dean, I will not run away. I have promised you forever multiple times. I had hoped the more humanly tangible contract of a thirty year mortgage might solidify my long term commitment in your mind, but I see it has not."

"It was a joke, Cas. You didn't sign the mortgage anyway, you don't have income, ya dork. Anyway, the pizza man we get tonight is probably gonna be a pimply teenager. I don't exactly feel threatened."

Cas just shook his head. "I will stay with you."

"I know, Cas. I know you will. Let's put this stuff away tomorrow. I'll hook up the TV while we wait for the pizza. You pick a movie."

"Dirty Dancing," Cas said with no hesitation. 

"Again?"

"You said I could pick."

"Yeah, but-,"

"'Swayze always gets a pass'. That's what you say. And I like that movie. The music is nice and it has a happy ending."

"Alright, alright. You know I do too." Dean chuckled, sifting through a box of cords.

Cas couldn't help but watch the hunter with a smile. He looked around the space, sparsely dotted with boxes. He felt an unfamiliar contentment blossoming within him. It took him a moment, but he realized what it was. He was home. 

"We have a home of our own. It's really ours, Dean."

Dean looked at Cas, his eyes crinkling as he smiled at him. "Yeah, it is, Cas. It is." Dean looked up and said a silent prayer of thanks to Jack. 

_ You're welcome. _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just think Rhonda Hurley unlocked something in Dean and Cas was the first person he was willing to share that with after. And y'know, I think Dean pulls off the panties quite well. >; ]
> 
> One chapter left! It will be a long one and it will be so very fluffy. I have a short epilogue chapter I may do to round the story out and a few little one shots planned for this series though, so I don't think I'm done with Dean and Cas just yet! <3


	16. Love Never Fails, And I Will Not Fail You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Eileen get married, but Dean is more nervous on the big day than the bride and groom. Everyone is there to celebrate, even Miracle. Dean has something he wants to say to Cas, but he doesn't quite know how to go about it. The night becomes a bigger celebration than intended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I lied. I absolutely lied. This isn't the last chapter. Lmao, I am hoping for only one more after this, but... sometimes these guys do things I don't predict. 
> 
> I tried to do a lot of research on how the Deaf and HoH communities celebrate weddings, so I hope I found good resources. I was really happy with what I learned and I hope I was able to bring that through in a seamless way for you to learn and enjoy with me. If you know more about this and want to correct me on something, I'd be very open to constructive criticism and editing the chapter to make it more inclusive. I tried to do my own research, but knowing someone in the community is always the best source, so I want you to know I am willing to improve on the Deaf inclusive wedding if I got anything wrong or left anything important out. Just DM me on tumblr at minxyone93 and let me know if you have something I should re-examine! I don't expect anyone to do my research for me, but again, I know primary sources are important and unfortunately I don't have any right now. <3 
> 
> Much love to you all. Don't let the icky parts of fandom get you down- we still get together and make the most beautiful things. <3

**ONE YEAR LATER**

"It's okay, Sammy. Just breathe, bud,” Dean said, breathing forcefully out as he fussed with Sam’s jacket.

"I am, Dean. I'm totally calm. You're the one freaking out."

"I am _not_ fuckin' freaking out, okay? I'm fine. I just want everything to go right on your special day, dammit! Is that so much to ask?" 

Sam blinked at him with a sigh and an exasperated look. "Yeah, you're calm alright," he said, rolling his eyes. Dean had been a mess for the past three days, but this close to go time, he was pacing and fixating on every little thing.

Dean was now pacing yet again in the bathroom as Sam was trying to get his hair looking decent in the mirror. The elder Winchester was scrolling through his phone and fingers as he read off the list of things he had people doing - again. 

"Donna and Jody are helping Eileen get ready. Cas is done transporting the food and cake and already back here. Oh, and he says Miracle is good to go. And...Charlie set up music to pump the bass up on a subwoofer to shake Eileen's damn socks off during the reception. Bobby laid out the white napkins in the reception hall. I saw in the group text that your other terp buddies are gonna be here in five. The other hunters are mostly here and already seated. Balloons are already delivered to the reception hall. Ro is here to officiate, of course, she's looking great. Hey, does it seem a little weird you're getting married by the queen of Hell? Ah, fuck it, it's not the weirdest thing that's ever happened to us. Jack made it, he's ready of course, the kid is looking sharp by all reports. We're getting close to showtime, Sammy," Dean said, pacing in the bathroom and ticking off his fingers, as Sam calmly adjusted his emerald green waistcoat and tie.

"Stop that, Sam. Let me straighten it for you," Dean fussed, "You're crushing it, you damned moose."

Dean carefully adjusted the deep green bowtie. Personally, he hated the color. He thought it was too rich, but it was Sam and Eileen's wedding and she wanted everything in gold and green to match her ring. And Sam didn't care whatsoever about the colors, he just wanted Eileen to be happy and to be married to her when it was over. If it made Eileen smile, he was fine with it.

Dean got the bowtie even and just right, then checked his watch. "Okay, Sam, you're on in 10, okay? Let's run through your vows one more time."

"Dude, I know the vows. I'm officially a terp in training now, simple 'I dos' aren't gonna be an issue."

Dean gave him a flat look and crossed his arms. "You know what, Sam? Practice doesn't make perfect. _Perfect_ practice makes perfect. You should practice even if you think you're a damn expert."

Sam just cut him a bitchy look and stayed silent.

"Fine, then what the hell are you gonna do for 10 minutes?" Dean grouched.

Sam put his hands on Dean's shoulders. "I'm gonna calm _you_ down. Have a seat," he said, pulling up the rickety folding chair and gently guiding Dean into it. 

"Sam, I am _fine_. One hundred percent. You should be less calm. It's you that's bein' fucked up." Dean was fidgety and uncomfortable in the seat.

“Is this about your speech? Dean, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

Dean cackled. “What? No. Sam, I talk to people all the time. Of course I wanna give the big speech. Actually, I can’t wait. It’s gonna be awesome. I’m awesome. I’m fine,” Dean babbled, laughing nervously and plainly lying.

Sam sucked his teeth. This called for bigger guns. "Uh, you stay here. I'll be back."

"You can't go out there! They're not allowed to see you!" Dean hissed, grabbing Sam’s arm.

"Uh, no. I'm not allowed to see _Eileen_ , anyone can see me. Sit. Sit. Relax. I'll be right back." He shook his brother off and Sam left the room. Dean grabbed his phone and made sure everyone was in place, texting madly. A few minutes later, Sam reappeared with Cas.

Dean's gaze snapped up and he immediately straightened his posture and adjusted his jacket with a smile. "Whoa, Cas. You look good."

"You look flustered. Give me your hand. Breathe," he instructed. Cas looked back up and added as an afterthought, "but you… you look stunning. In addition to being flustered. Now, breathe in deeply."

"We don't have time - we gotta get out there with Sam in - in six minutes," Dean fussed, grabbing Cas’s hand as he knelt next to him.

"Then breathe for me for a few minutes. Come now."

Dean rolled his eyes, but wiped his face with a handkerchief and began breathing following the angel’s instruction. Cas softly spoke to him, sweet reassurances and positive statements. Sam smugly watched them before practicing his vows in the mirror after all.

"Good, good. You seem much better now. And just in time. Let's go,” Cas said, pulling a much calmer Dean to his feet with a smile and a gentle squeeze of his hand.

\--------------------------------------------------

It may be unconventional, but Dean was grateful that Eileen had picked Cas to be her groomsman. She picked him as an addition to her maid of honor, her best friend Emily who was teaching Sam to interpret. Since Emily was interpreting for the hearing crowd as well as being maid of honor, Cas was there just for eye candy as far as Dean could tell, and to hold Eileen's bouquet. 

The two of them had become good friends since she'd moved into the bunker with Sam and they'd spent more time together during Dean and Sammy's bro nights. Dean still wasn’t certain what it was they got up to during that, but he’d stopped worrying about it. Eileen had proclaimed that Cas was her friend as much if not more than Emily, and she could have a groomsman if she wanted. No one was inclined to stop her. 

Cas griped to Dean about the uncomfortable bowtie and new shoes, and suggested once that he be called a bridesman instead of a groomsman for accuracy’s sake, but was otherwise cheerful, if a little puzzled, about the whole situation.

Since Dean was Sam's best man he got to look across the short space at Cas the whole time, and that was fine by him. Cas was looking ravishing in his matching tailored grey suit and Dean was glad they got to wear the pale gold vests rather than the dark green one like Sam. They stood beneath a wooden pergola in Dean and Castiel's garden that was full of climbing white rose blooms. Garth stood behind Dean because he was a groomsman (Sam figured he owed it to him for naming one of the twins after him). Dean saw that Garth was already sniffling a little. 

It was a beautiful sunny day with a breeze - thank Jack - and Cas had the garden looking lovely. All the flowers were blooming gorgeously. The final wave of folks that had been helping at the reception hall about 10 minutes away piled in and took their seats. It was a small ceremony, by volume of guests, but everyone was happy to get together for the wedding. There were hunters and friends that Sam and Eileen had made outside of hunting as well, but everyone seemed happy for the special day.

"Well, Samuel, I think everybody is here. We have two minutes until your lovely lassie walks down the aisle." Rowena said smiling warmly. Sam just beamed back. 

Dean patted Sam on the shoulder. 

"Doing ok?" He asked. He wasn’t sure why he was asking - Sam seemed to be relaxed. It made Dean feel better to check anyway.

"Yep, Dean. I'm good. Just happy and excited."

"Yeah, me too."

Another unconventional part of the ceremony was that Jack was the flower kid. Wearing a simple champagne suit and a white flower crown, Jack walked down the aisle sprinkling lovely white petals. Thankfully, no one seemed to comment. Eileen had told people that he was her nephew and that he was just really into botany so there was no better choice. Dean wondered if the people were really that polite or if they just unwittingly succumbed to his divine energy and watched him spread the petals gracefully down the aisle without an errant look because of that. He gently let the petals fall to the ground behind him, decorating the aisle delicately, before standing next to Cas. It probably should have looked silly to have a young adult casually taking the role of flower girl, but it was actually quite wonderful.

The guests burst into giggles when Miracle nosed through the entry that was set up with a small golden basket in his mouth. He slowly padded up the aisle, tail wagging. He was wearing a green bowtie collar, which Dean thought looked better on the dog than on people. He came to sit next to Dean, holding the basket and still wagging his tail sweetly. The roles had been offered to Claire - as well as the flower girl - but she passed, saying that was baby stuff. Dean thought Miracle was a pretty good stand-in nonetheless. 

Donna and Jody came out of the house and took their seats. There was an arch with green curtains set up to block the bride from view until it was time. Dean feverishly checked his watch, and right on time, Eileen's hand parted the curtain and the bride stepped through. No wedding march was played - Eileen said if she couldn't feel it, there was no point. It sort of highlighted the guests' natural reactions to the hearing folks in attendance, however. Everyone gasped. Sam put a hand over his mouth - Dean could see he was blinking back awed tears.

Eileen had a long, lace veil and a simple, lacy A-line dress. The ivory lace looked so idyllic on her, and even through the veil, her smile was as radiant as ever. The sleeves went to her elbows and were sheer lace. Around her waist, a braid of green and gold silk ribbons hung, pinned together with a gold knot brooch passed down from her family. In a way, it was like the parents she'd never been able to know were with her. 

Her bouquet was made of flowers from the garden Cas and Dean had arranged meticulously for her. There were roses and white hydrangeas, and vines of honeysuckle to make it sweet-smelling. Around the bouquet, ribbons wove to make a handle and trailed down green gold, and one single strand of blue. 

She walked slow and steady, eyes trained on Sam as she made her way down the aisle. There was no one to walk her down the aisle or give her away, but she seemed to radiate nothing but beautiful elegance and joy. Dean almost thought it would be a shame to have someone walking down the aisle distracting from her. She took her place and faced Sam. Cas, as rehearsed, relieved her of the bouquet, and she placed her hands delicately in Sam's. Cas looked at Jack and then at Dean with a smile, and as it always did, it made Dean melt. He smiled back.

Rowena, clad in a lovely little green dress and stunning, dramatic gold jewelry dripping off of her as if she were Midas, cleared her throat before the guests and the participants and began.

"Dearly beloved - friends, family, little dog, we are gathered here today…" 

As she spoke, Emily was signing to the crowd. 

Dean thought he was going to pass out from the nerves of it all he sort of zoned in and out of what Rowena was saying. He looked out at Jack beaming next to Cas. He looked at Donna and Jody and the girls. Charlie was there, wearing some sort of neon pantsuit - it looked kind of awful, yet she was pulling it off. Stevie was next to her, looking at her with sappy adoration. Garth's wife had the twins on either side of her, and there were several people Sam and Eileen had met from the Deaf and Hard of Hearing community in the area, as well as other friends they’d met just… living a normal life. All the junior hunters were there, too. Bobby was there - Dean felt a pang of sadness it couldn't be the Bobby they'd grown up with, but it was nice nonetheless. There was a row of empty seats for the folks that couldn't be there - their parents, their lost friends along the way. 

"Samuel." Rowena was saying. Sam opted to silently sign his vows too, having Emily speak for both of them. 

"I, Samuel Winchester, take thee, Eileen Leahy, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for richer, for poorer…"

Dean zoned out again. This time his eyes were completely on Cas. To his surprise, Cas was looking back at him. He felt a strange feeling he didn't quite know in his chest. It was like an idea was tickling at the edge of his brain and he couldn't quite catch it. He was lost in his love's sky eyes. He wasn't sure of the expression on Cas's face either. He looked happy, but…

Eileen began to sign her vows, not needing to repeat after Rowena, and Emily interpreted for the hearing guests this time. 

"I, Eileen Leahy, take thee, Samuel Winchester, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…"

Dean's eyes were back on Cas. Cas was looking at him again too. The hunter found himself blushing, feeling something he dared not think too hard about, something he didn't want to identify, not yet, not today. Dean patted his suit jacket to feel his inner pocket - still there. Cas looked interested in Dean's reaction. Dean tried to examine what he was seeing in Cas

He thought about probing their bond to ask him something but - he needed to focus. 

"Samuel, do you accept the vows Eileen has promised you today?" Rowena asked, breaking Dean's train of thought. The hunter looked at Eileen, who was sniffing lightly.

"I do," Sam signed and spoke aloud.

"And Eileen, do you accept the vows that Samuel has promised you today?"

Excitedly, Eileen said, "I do," also signing along with her audible declaration, Emily halting her own words with a soft smile.

That's when Dean had to sniff back a tear - and by the sounds of it, the guests were just as struck by the moment. Garth patted Dean sympathetically on the shoulder. "It's okay, buddy. It's a beautiful moment. Just let it out," he whispered, fully crying himself.

He just nodded a little in response, blushing. Dean found himself looking at his shoes, trying to get a grip. He chanced a look up at Cas, who was looking at the couple, awkwardly holding the bouquet. Garth gently prodded Dean to get his attention.

He quickly picked up that they were about to need the rings, sparing a moment to give Garth a thankful nod. He took the basket from Miracle and pulled out the tiny box with the two rings, handing it to Rowena. 

"You may exchange the rings," she said holding Eileen's ring out to Sam first. 

He slowly removed her engagement ring, then slid in Mary's wedding band, shining and restored. He then slipped her engagement ring back on. The set looked lovely together.

Rowena gave Eileen Sam's ring - a platinum band to match her own engagement with matching gold Celtic knots embedded in it. She was smiling beneath her veil still, sliding it on her Winchester's hand, then squeezing gently. 

Rowena turned to Cas who removed the long ribbon braid from around the bouquet and handed it to her. 

"In older days," Rowena began, addressing the guests as Emily signed along, "people would also introduce a little bondage to the marriage day… just as a means of really tying down those vows," she said. 

"She is off _script_ ," Dean hissed under his breath, but everyone was chuckling. The queen of hell must have had keen ears because she gave him a sly grin out of the corner of her eye.

Rowena lifted the braided cord up theatrically. "Join hands, dearies," she said. Eileen and Sam did, looking at each other with misty, saccharine smiles. Rowena bound the cords over their hands three times, then tying it in a knot, but loose enough they could slip out.

"In the joining of hands in the fastness of a knot, so are your lives now bound, one to another. By this cord, you are thus bound to your vows. May this knot remain tied for as long as love shall last. May this cord draw your hands together in love and faith in one another." Rowena said in her sweet lilting burr. Sam was shaking, Dean realized. He could see the shine of happy tears when Sam turned briefly. 

"And you may now kiss the bride," Rowena said. Dean could swear he heard a strain in her voice and her eyes seemed to glisten a little more than usual.

Rowena flipped the veil back to reveal Eileen's beautiful face to assist since their hands were bound. Her eyes were glistening, but Dean had to hand it to Donna and Jody - the makeup did not run. Her hair was in a beautiful French twist. It was simple but elegant. 

Sam kissed her very softly, for only a couple of seconds. As he pulled away from the chaste kiss, she stomped indignantly and said, "Come back here," and slipped her hands out of the handfasting cord to pull him in by the lapels for a slightly more vigorous kiss, leaving her lipstick on his face a little and the audience in a laughing fit. 

"Mrs. Leahy, I am so excited that you're my wife," Sam said softly, signing. 

" _Mr. Winchester, I'm excited that I'm your wife too,"_ she giggled. 

Dean was smiling at them, but his eyes lingered over to Cas again. He looked really good in his formal attire, and Dean didn't know exactly why, but he was dying to talk to him. He didn’t know what possessed him to bring that along today, either. He patted his pocket again. Yep, it was still secure. He looked up at Cas, seeing him softly talking to Jack and straightening the flower crown. It made Dean’s heart swell.

\----------------------------------------------------

They got all the guests transported to the reception hall, then Dean was checking on Sam, offering him water, making sure he was well.

"Dean, I'm fine. Hey, I'm happy. I'm - I'm just really damn happy. We're here to relax, to enjoy ourselves. Until it's cake-cutting time, you just relax. The only person who has to do anything now is DJ Charlie. Go, get a beer, grab some food. Grab one of the crappy disposable cameras, snap some pictures. I'm gonna go sit with Eileen. My _wife_ ," Sam said with a dreamy smile, then walked off toward his bride with an ear-to-ear grin.

"What's with all the balloons, Deano? Never seen this many single balloons." A voice came from behind him. 

"Oh, hey! Bring it in, Donna!" He squeezed her in a hug. Donna gave great hugs - she was a strong, caring woman and she wanted to make sure you knew it, even if it cracked your ribs.

"The balloons are like this cuz the Deaf and Hard of Hearing folks sometimes like to grab them while the music is going to feel the vibrations. By the way, and I did text you this, but the music is going to be loud - really loud. I just want everyone to be prepared for that. Charlie has the bass cranked up high so it makes the dance floor really fun for Eileen and the guests. We have a quiet space outside for anyone needing a break. You mind helping me spread the word? Charlie's gonna announce it before the music starts, but I just want to make sure everyone knows -,"

"Heya. Buddy. You _did_ text me all of that. You're good, mmkay? Hey, you look like you need another hug. You feeling like a little bundle of nerves today?" she asked, bringing him in for another hug. 

"No, I'm totally fine, I just-,"

"Uh-huh. Hey. It's not every day your little brother gets married to the love of his life. It's okay to be a little frazzled, ya know."

"I know that. I'm fine though."

"Okay, buddy. I'm gonna catch up with Jody. Try to take a breather, eh?"

As she walked off, Dean sighed. He went to check on Charlie. 

"Is everything good? You need help?"

"Nah, I'm good, dude. Stevie helped me get it set up and tested before the ceremony. It is gonna be poppin' in here!" She exclaimed, bouncing around excitedly. 

"Oh, okay. Good, good. Thanks for doing this. Hey, just a reminder about the announcement -,"

Charlie laughed, nibbling on something from her plate. "Dean, dude. I know. I got this. Go get a cucumber sandwich or… whatever these things are - they're really good - and just relax. It's all under total control."

“Yeah, me and Cas made ‘em. They are pretty good, thanks,” Dean muttered walking off with a wave. 

Dean nodded hesitantly. Cas was talking with Jack over by the food table. He decided to head over to them, unsure of what else to do. He grabbed Castiel's hand, needing to feel his calming vibes. He wanted to snuggle into Cas's wings, but no one else could see them and there were normal people here, so he just grabbed Castiel's hand instead. 

Cas stopped speaking about the stars with Jack for a moment and turned instantly to fully face Dean. "You're still nervous. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, 'course I am. Just came to talk with you guys."

Cas tilted his head in silent doubt, but Dean joined their conversation easily for quite a while. It felt nice to catch up with Jack, even if he was talking about stuff that was well outside of his mortal grasp. He finally got bored of the conversation however and milled about, shaking hands, giving hugs, and catching up with old friends. Of course, he wasn't the focus of the day, but he tried to make sure he talked to everyone. He feverishly checked his watch. It was almost time for the part of the evening he was dreading most. His speech.

The cake cutting came first. Cas had done a brilliant job – Dean had helped, of course, but he was just following Cas’s lead on the baking stuff. It was just a simple three-tiered cake, all white, and covered in small white flowers and greenery from the garden and trimmed with ribbons. Dean was so proud of him and kept bragging to everyone about Cas’s cooking and baking skills, but Cas just waved it off.

While Sam delicately fed Eileen a bite of the cake, she took her piece and smashed it into his face with a giggle. In turn, he started feeding her more aggressively. Thankfully Cas was able to discreetly rendezvous with Eileen to clean her up, while Jack did so with Sam. 

And now, Dean was up.

Dean wasn't big in flowery, grand language. It would have been better to have Cas help him write it, he knew. The speech he came up with wasn't long and it wasn't gonna be one that went viral. It was just simple. Since Eileen didn't have any family, he was supposed to talk about her as well, that's what Sam had asked. 

"Hey there. You ready, champ? Charlie's got your mic and I'm ready to interpret. Wanna walk that way with me?" Emily asked cheerfully, making him jump a little before smoothing his vest and jacket and chuckling. 

"Uh, yeah. Let's go."

He walked, a little shaky toward the DJ booth Charlie had basically thrown together, but he had to admit it was a pretty cool setup. 

"Hey, D! Here's your mic. Let me just make the monitor up there reflect that it's time for your speech … There's your smiling mug, looking that! Alright, give 'em a couple secs, then give 'em hell, dude."

Dean nodded nervously, twisting to stare at the huge monitor behind her that was indeed trained on him. He turned back to face the guests lining the reception hall. When it seemed like everyone was looking at him and Emily, who gave him a reassuring smile and nod, he cleared his throat and stared at the mic. His throat felt dry and he was sure glad he only had one brother at this moment because he hoped to never do this again. His eyes found the spot where Sam and Eileen were sitting and he gave a sort of wistful smile in their direction.

"Uh, hello," he started with a slight break in his voice, "I'm Dean Winchester. Sammy - _Sam_ … is my baby brother. And I'm honored he chose me to be his best man. I'd like to start by thanking all of you for coming out today to celebrate this with Sam and Eileen. What a beautiful wedding, huh?" He paused here and let scattered applause from some guests and white napkins waving in the air signal the crowds' appreciation. He swallowed even though there was nothing to swallow - his throat felt like a desert badland and he felt lightheaded.

"Sam is definitely one of the best men I've ever known. And Eileen couldn't be a more lovely, awesome, kicka- _tough_ , independent bride. I'm so glad to know both of them and have 'em in my life. My life would be a lot shitti- a lot _worse_ without them," he fumbled. Chuckling broke out through the crowd as he went a little wide-eyed. 

"Uh, when we were growing up… Sam and I, we just had each other a lot of the time. And sometimes we fought and sometimes we didn't get along. But usually, we made fun even when there wasn't any. Sometimes it was pranks. One time, I replaced his shampoo and conditioner with Nair. Yeah! That was a good one," he said, chuckling along with the crowd this time.

"He got me back though. He, uh, he superglued a beer bottle to my hand and messed with the radio in my car - made it so every time I turned it on the windshield wipers started goin'," he admitted with a chuckle, shaking a finger at Sam. 

"I still say I won, by the way. But there were times when things weren't so good. Weren't so fun. Times when we didn't have anyone or anything but each other and it seemed like the rest of the world was on fire. Sometimes things got desperate. But Sam never gave up on me, and I'd never, ever give up on him. We've been at the end of our ropes so many times, and Sam was always there to help me out, Sam and…" he trailed off. He wasn't supposed to commandeer this speech with his own partner's good traits. 

"Well, Sam is a good, brave, smart guy. And man, I am so proud of you. So proud," he said, sniffing, looking right at Sam. "And Eileen, you - you have no idea how happy you make him. He's like his old self - the Sammy he hasn't gotten to be in a long time - now that he's with you. You make him smile like he did back when we were younger. And you're incredible, kick a-… you know what? Screw it. You are _kick-ass,_ I'm not censoring that," he scoffed, looking at Eileen now. 

"And the two of you together, you're...god you're annoying. You look at each other with freaking heart eyes and your cute damn dates and all that," he said in exaggerated irritation. "And it's just like love should be. And I'm so happy for you. You guys… you _deserve_ this _,_ you _deserve_ joy and love," he said, emphasizing the last few words and fighting the strain in his voice. 

He cleared his throat. "And so - hopefully, this beer isn't covered in superglue - I'd like to toast the happy couple," he said, raising the bottle. "A toast to being happy and to free will and to love. Lotsa fuckin’ love. I love you guys," he finished quickly, swigging back a sip of beer and practically throwing the microphone away from him. 

It took him a moment to realize he’d just _said it_ to Sam and Eileen - he’d just said he loved them in front of a ton of people. He felt a little proud in that moment, even if the speech was otherwise awkward and lackluster. Cas was right, he could appreciate that now. It was brave to say what’s on your heart. 

_Still glad I just have the one brother, though,_ he thought.

Sam and Eileen came up and gave him tight, suffocatingly sweet hugs, Sam practically trying to break his ribs it seemed with his big bear hug. 

"I don't care if it is your wedding day, I will pinch your armpit until you bleed, dude," Dean threatened idly. 

"I love you too, Dean." Sam's voice was thick and shaky.

"Yeah, yeah Sammy. I love you. Now, fuckin' let me go. It's almost time for your first dance," Dean said, sniffing a little before trying to laugh it off.

As if on cue, Charlie, assisted by Emily, began her spirited announcement about the quiet space outside the venue and to prepare for some loud tunes. Guests were instructed to whirl their white cloth napkins around rather than tapping their glass to get the couple to kiss, which of course they did immediately. Earplugs were also available in a dispenser by the bathrooms for hearing folks if the sound was too much. 

"Don't get it twisted, we are about to let in some _Good Vibrations_ ," she said, mimicking the Beach Boys song. "Grab a balloon like a kid at an EDM fest if you want to really experience it, there's plenty. Are you ready to watch the couple take their first dance?" She shouted like she was announcing a WWE fight, jumping around excitedly. Emily was the right interpreter for the job because she was bouncing with the same wild energy Charlie was showing. 

"Hey, if your maid of honor is doing all the interpretation, who is helping you with the bride stuff?" Dean asked. 

"Cas held my skirt earlier when I had to pee, but mostly Donna and Jody," she said casually. "If I knew them better, I would have asked them to be my bridesmaids too. They're sweet."

"Cas?!"

"Relax, he didn't see anything. Too much lace!" She giggled. "He's a gentleman, that's the only reason I asked."

Dean narrowed his eyes playfully. "I've got my eye on you," he said with a smile, and then walked away in a quick shuffle as the music began playing. Eileen kicked off her shoes excitedly, twirling barefoot onto the dance floor, excitedly reaching her arms out for Sam. 

Dean was almost immediately ready to go put in earplugs and visit the quiet place as Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon started playing. 

"Not my kind of music," he muttered, backing away from the couple with a slight grin. Of course, he understood that the vibrations were more fun and it wasn't about him, so he couldn't be too bitter, especially watching the two of them joyfully move together alone on the dance floor, sliding in toward each other and then away again, laughing and smiling. Seeing everyone else on the sidelines sharing this joy with them made Dean's mind wander to that folder Jack had given him last year.

It was a passing thought, but soon the the song ended and guests were whipping their napkins in the air to demand a kiss again. Eileen theatrically stood on tiptoe and pulled Sam down to her with a grin, planting another lipstick kiss on him. Dean smiled, watching them. Seeing Sam smile - not thinking about the demon blood and the years of sacrifice and being in the cage and Lucifer or Chuck - no. It was plain as day - right now, the only thing Sam had on his mind was being with Eileen. And that made Dean really fucking happy. Sam deserved a happy ending too. They all did.

Garth came up to Dean with a goofy, bright grin, carrying one of the twins. "Hey Dean, can you hang this little fella for a minute while Beth and I hit the floor during the next song? We don't get to dance as often as we did before the boys came along," he asked, giggling at the boy who was not quite three now. He toddled up to Dean. 

"Pick me up!" The child commanded, holding his arms straight in the air, wiggling impatient, chubby fingers - that looked a little sticky - at Dean. 

"Awh, Sam likes you!" Garth said excitedly. 

Dean was shocked, but he couldn't help but crack a smile and lift the kid. 

"You got it, Garth. Hey - one song, I'm serious. Then you gotta find a different patsy to pawn this guy off on, capisce?" Dean said with a smile.

Garth thanked him effusively then scampered off to find Beth, who just handed little Cas off to Jody and Donna, who were squealing over the baby while Claire looked annoyed. 

Dean looked at Sam. "So, uh… what's up little guy?"

The child looked blankly at Dean for a moment, then went back to perusing the room. Dean noticed the little guy had earplugs in - he hoped that was safe for little kids, but then again… this wasn't exactly a human kid. Little Sam just wanted up for a better look around it seemed. Dean walked with him over to the balloons. 

"You want one, little guy?"

Little Sam nodded. "Yeah!" 

So he _could_ hear a little - he just willfully ignored Dean earlier. 

"Uh, you got a favorite color?"

The child pointed at one enthusiastically. “I like the gween one.”

"Okay, no accounting for taste," Dean muttered. It was such a bright, deep shade of green. It just overwhelmed the senses. 

Dean plucked a green balloon up, handing it to the kid, who held it by the ribbon, and promptly jerked it around wildly, suddenly giggling, beating himself and Dean repeatedly with the balloon.

The lull as the first dance song ended and others piled onto the floor was quiet enough that Dean heard a laugh. It was a beautiful, deep laugh.

"Cas, man. Hey, you wanna hold this guy?"

Cas shook his head, watching amused as little Sam continued his balloon assault. 

"I told Garth to ask you."

Dean shot him a sharp look. "Why did you do _that_?"

"You seemed distant today. I thought maybe forging a connection with someone so joyful as young Sam here would cheer you up in kind," Cas said, earnest and concerned. He stepped closer, touching Dean's shoulder over his handprint. 

"What're you talking about? It's a perfect day. I'm happy as hell!" He said, drawing back a little.

"Don't be offended. You just seemed to be elsewhere in your thoughts at times. I didn't mean you seemed despondent. Everyone knows you're-" whatever he said next was drowned out by the swell of music. 

"I can't hear you," Dean said fruitlessly. 

Cas shook his head and tapped two fingers where his hand was.

_It may be easier to use our bond._

_-Okay, yeah. What did you say? Everyone knows **what**_ _about me, exactly?-_ he snarked. 

Cas cut him an irritable look. _Everyone knows you're happy for Sam. That's what I said. I just meant to clarify that when I said you seemed distracted; I didn't intend to imply you were unhappy about your brother's marriage._

Little Sam seemed unperturbed by the music but did finally stop beating Dean and himself over the head with the balloon to instead grab it and giggle and babble excitedly to Dean at each swell in the sound. Dean smiled at him.

_-Okay, Cas. Sorry.-_

_It's alright. I've become accustomed to your defensive behavior when you're feeling insecure about something. You are improving, though._

_-Uh, thanks. I guess.-_

_You're welcome. Are you ready to share what's on your mind?_

There was a hesitation. Dean let his gaze drift to Sam and Eileen, spinning and swaying with stupid goofy smiles, being carefree and adoring and celebrating with their friends and their family. 

_-No. Not yet. Nothing bad, Cas. I just…-_

_It's alright, Dean. I can be patient. As long as I know you are well._

_-I'm good. I'm fine. Don't worry about me.-_

_Just don't hesitate to let me know when you're ready, please. I want to help you._

_-I know you do, sunshine. I know. Thanks.-_ Dean ended the exchange with a smile and grabbed Cas's hand with his free arm. 

Cas stood closer to them and smiled at the kid, who was excitedly telling Cas something the hunter couldn't hear. Whatever it was, it made Cas laugh. 

The song ended and Garth and Bess came toward them, giggling and twirling. Dean preemptively set the kid down, who was already squirming and ready to go back to his parents, albeit in good spirits. 

Sam and Eileen came over too, Eileen immediately sinking to the knees to talk with little Sam. "You're named after my husband!" She started to say, and the child grabbed at her belt of ribbon, saying "You're pwetty! Are you a pwincess?" which Eileen jubilantly laughed at. 

"Was he good?" Garth asked breathlessly as Bess went to collect little Castiel. 

"Oh yeah, he was having the time of his life with that balloon," Dean laughed. 

"Thanks for watching him," Garth said with a soft nod. "So, when are you two gonna get married?" he laughed affectionately, pointing at Dean and Cas. Sam looked up from Eileen and little Sam with a vaguely alarmed expression. Dean looked at Cas and there was a strange silence in the air.

Garth seemed oblivious. He just kept babbling on as if the energy hadn’t shifted. “I mean, you’ve been together a while now. You’re totally in love, anyone can see, you have your house - lovely place by the way - so what’s stopping ya? When can we come out for another big Winchester wedding?” 

"Uhhh," Dean said with an awkward chuckle, already blushing, "well we… we... don't really-,"

"We're already married," Cas said with a warm, proud smile. 

The room seemed to spin. Dean felt dizzy. Things fell very quiet.

At that moment, Garth and Sam looked at Dean with a stunned expression and Eileen shot up, hands on her hips - she hadn't seen all of the conversation but she caught _that_.

None of their reactions could be compared to Dean’s. He simply kept opening and closing his mouth as he gaped at Cas, like a malfunctioning fish in shock.

“Already what?” Dean asked.

“Already married,” Cas repeated, inclining his head and furrowing his brow at his hunter, tilting his head. He put a hand gently on Dean's face. 

"Are you alright?" Cas asked. He had no clue why everyone seemed so shocked. “You seem pale,” the angel stroked Dean's slack jaw. "And clammy," he added.

Finally, Dean cleared his throat, blinking rapidly and swaying slightly, and in a voice that cracked he asked, "Cas what the hell are you talking about?"

Cas blinked at him slowly. "I'm referring to our relationship."

"Yeah. I got _that_. What do you mean ‘we're already married’? When did that happen? Call me crazy but I'm drawing a blank," he said, fussing with his bowtie and realizing how hot he suddenly felt and how tight his jacket was.

“When did you guys get married, Cas?” Sam said urgently. “Did you guys sneak off and elope?”

Dean looked at Sam, pissed off and spiteful. “No, we didn’t elope. What the hell?” Dean asked, holding his arms out in exasperated confusion.

“Oh god, did you blackout and have a drunk chapel wedding? Cas?” Sam said, now ignoring Dean.

“I would remember marrying Cas!” the elder hunter said angrily. He thought about mentioning that he wasn’t the Winchester that had actually had a chapel wedding, but he glanced at Eileen in her dress and bit back his words.

"No, Sam, we didn’t elope. No one blacked out. I thought it was obvious," Cas said with a crooked, slightly confused grin, more awkward than happy. He very slightly shook his head and turned back to face Dean.

"We exchanged jewelry that we never remove," the angel explained, pulling the necklace out of his shirt to show Dean. His wings were slumped low and his feathers pressed flat, a sign he was not feeling confident. 

"We have promised each other we'd be faithful and true forever. That's another requirement. We have most _certainly_ consummated the arrangement, both on this plane and on the spiritual plane, which gave us an eternal spiritual bond," he continued, and Sam made a disgruntled sound at that, shaking his head with a traumatized expression. Cas kept talking, unperturbed.

"You encouraged me to adopt your last initial in the garden and I accepted. The initials are still carved there on the bench I brought to our new garden. Although I'm Castiel Novak now per Jack," he reminded Dean, looking concerned, as if Dean had forgotten an obvious fact and may have amnesia or an illness.

“I’ve been letting my vessel age for some time now,” Cas said, running down a mental list of all these reasons they were and had been, apparently, married.

“You’ve been letting your vessel age? Why?” Dean exclaimed. He hadn’t noticed.

Now that he looked at Cas and thought back to the night they met - well it seemed obvious. When had that started? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t drunk but he felt woozy with this bizarre declaration. Cas thought it was apparent, rattling off human behaviors of matrimony and commitment they had committed or loosely emulated as if it sealed the deal. Dean felt kind of dumb. 

Cas ignored the question. "We confide and trust in each other, we have professed our love and commitment to one another, and found our own place to live. We have nested there and made it our own. I even carried you over the threshold on our move-in day. We have repeatedly been described as arguing in the same way an elderly married couple would. Of _course_ we're married." Cas looked a little offended as if Dean was supposed to know that already. 

Sam, Eileen, and Garth were grinning like idiots and exchanging looks of disbelief. 

Dean held out a hand in exasperation, blinking dully as he tried to process the information. 

" _Cas_ ," he finally said, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was entirely unsure what to say. "You _can’t_ just marry me and _not tell me_. Or at least ask. All those damn romance novels and telenovelas and seeing what Sam and Eileen did and you didn't know one of us was supposed to _ask?_ "

Cas shrugged. "I assumed it was obvious. I didn't think we needed to ask one another since we were already doing the things I have observed that separate married couples from unmarried lovers. And you seemed to be marrying me in equal fervor,” he said with a vague look of irritation, but Cas, as usual, stood mostly calm. 

"No! It was _not_ obvious! That ain't how this works!" He hissed, eyes wide. 

"Alright. Consider yourself informed," Cas said matter-of-factly. 

Dean just gaped, rubbing the back of his neck and finally glancing at the others who were giggling around them. He had been mostly shocked, but he suddenly felt heat rising to his cheeks realizing again that this was a conversation that was being eagerly observed, like some sort of soap opera unfolding in real-time.

"If we're married, why have we just been calling each other _'partner'_ all this time?" Dean hissed.

"Because spouses _are_ partners. Are they not? And you like cowboys," he explained calmly. "Unless you… disagree? We aren’t married?" Cas looked suddenly stiff. Dean could tell he was worried, awaiting an answer.

"No! I mean - yes! I-uh... Yes, I'm glad we're- we're, uh… sure, yes we are... _married_. I'm just surprised," Dean said, flustered. This wasn’t how he’d wanted to have this conversation.

It all seemed difficult to wrap his head around. He patted at his jacket pocket. He tried to still the dizzying flurry of emotions in his head. This wasn't the time or place for this and Cas had taken everything he'd wanted to say and blown it out of the water. 

_What. The. Fuck._ This thought played on a loop in Dean’s head, like a metronome of bafflement. 

“How long? How long have you been, um...been married?” Sam asked Cas. He was sporting this look of charmed stupefaction. 

Immediately, however, music started and Dean took the opportunity to practically yank Cas by the arm outside to the quiet space, which since Charlie was playing Walking on Sunshine, was empty. She may have threatened the crowd a little to ensure they danced to her favorite song.

"Cas!" Dean yelped, pulling him close. "What the fuck!"

"I thought we addressed that inside. What is your question now? I'm unsure."

"Were you just fucking with them?"

Cas shook his head. "No."

"You weren't?"

"No," Cas said, a little more firmly. "Should I be? Do you...wish I was? Dean, I assumed you knew, truly. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. I know it's typical to ask for marriage, but it seemed natural the way we did it. I didn’t intend to overstep any bounds. Living as a human can be confusing at times. We seemed to have all the necessary parts of the arrangement in place." He stepped back from the hunter a bit, crossing his arms and looking down. His wings were slumping low.

“I can feel your concern and confusion. I’m so sorry, Dean. You're right, of course. I can't marry you without your consent. That seems… obvious in retrospect. I suppose I thought it was more like how people can become friends or fall in love without asking permission.”

"No! No, no. I just… I guess you just kinda stole my thunder a little bit," Dean said, swallowing hard with a dry chuckle. The angel looked up then, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes.

Dean felt waves of intense confusion and strong emotion rolling through him. It was so strong it was physical. His stomach was full of butterflies and his head was swimming. 

"I uh… what I was thinking about earlier, what I wanted to say… well, hold on," Dean muttered, blushing fiercely. 

He got down on one knee, grabbing Cas's hand. He looked at him with a serious expression, wetting his lips. He chuckled a little bit because it was Cas's turn to be a slack-jawed gaping mess. 

His whole mouth felt dry. Much more so than during his best man speech. 

"Cas, I don't care if we have a wedding. But I'd like you to be… uh, my husband. If you'll have me - which apparently you will. Or already do? I dunno. And maybe we can just celebrate by having everyone over for some of your famous cherry pie and I can make some ribs or something simple like that, I don't care about that part, I don't... but uh… you know when Jack fixed my record and made you an identity so we could get the house, he made you Castiel Novak. But y'know…," Dean looked up with a vulnerable, open expression and grasped Castiel's hand.

"I don't got a ring or anything for you, uh - yet. But I… have this," he said, blushing as he brought out a piece of paper from his inside pocket. 

"Jack gave it to me, and he said we could say the word and you… you could be Cas Winchester. Like we carved on the bench, you know? If you want. 'Cause, Cas, I do. I do love you. And I want everyone to know that, everyone but especially you, man. I love you so much. And we did already promise forever like you said. So callin' you my husband just seems right." 

Cas looked down at Dean, at the paper he had handed him, at the shining unspilled tears brimming in his beautiful jade eyes. Cas could see his soul moving excitedly, powerfully, shining with the most brilliant glow. Surging with an ardent luster, open and exposed and so real. It felt like it was trying to push out of his body to get close to Castiel's grace. Beautiful.

The angel smiled. Then he laughed. A gorgeous sound. It was rough and deep and unfamiliar. Suddenly Cas was kneeling in front of him, eye to eye.

"I love you too. I have come to a realization." Cas said, still laughing. 

"Okay, Cas. Way to leave me hanging, sure, let's play twenty fuckin’ questions _right now_ , buddy. What's your realization?" Dean said in vexed incredulity. 

Cas, still laughing, grabbed Dean's face between his hands and kissed his forehead. 

"The realization is that we are both a couple of dumb asses. Yes. I accept your unconventional proposal.”

Dean relaxed and giggled in disbelief. "Yeah?"

"Yes."

Dean leaned his forehead to Cas's. "You know… I prefer 'loving'. Less dumb. Less ass."

Cas chuckled. Dean felt tears spilling - he was surprised to realize they weren't just his own. 

"No. Definitely dumb asses."

Dean laughed, they both laughed, kneeling on the ground in their linen suits outside Sam and Eileen's wedding venue, kissing each other's happy tears away. 

"You truly didn't know we were married? You seemed to assimilate into married life so naturally," Cas mused with quiet concern. 

Dean scoffed. "No! I didn't know. I didn't realize you - we? meant all those things in a… marriage sorta way. I just thought we were two partners, just… chilling out. Just living. Usually, someone asks the other person to get married before they assume they’re married."

Cas tilted his head, then shook it. "Well, I see now that communication is indeed key. My mistake. And we are partners. Aren't we? Why can't we be partners who are married? I don’t see why things wouldn’t be the same."

Dean blinked slowly. "Um… I guess there really isn't that much of a difference. Especially if… we've been living like _husbands_ already," he huffed with a smile, the word feeling nice in his ears, "then I guess nothing has to change except...your name. Well - if you want. You know you can keep Novak if you like it better. Eileen kept her name."

Cas chuckled. His name was mostly tangential to anything. He didn't have any attachments to Novak - more of a pang of guilt. But Winchester… that name was like divinity on his lips. And Dean was offering it to him for a second time, more official and formal and complete. 

"I would be honored to share your name," Cas said in a soft, reverential tone. 

"Yeah? Castiel Winchester. How does that sound?"

"Heavenly. Perfect."

Cas leaned forward and Dean smiled into a kiss, soft and sweet, tasting of tears, but they were happy tears and it was a happy day.

"You want rings? We can pick 'em out together. I'll get the rings since you got the necklaces."

"Rings sound nice. Yes,” Cas agreed with a tender smile hinting at his lips.

"You got it, _Mr. Winchester_ ," Dean said smiling with a wink. Cas beamed back.

"Hmm. I wonder…" Cas said, pulling his wallet from his pocket. He didn't normally carry it, but since there were non-hunter folks at the wedding he had given some of them a ride now that they were attempting normalcy somewhat in their lives he, decided to bring his driver's license along. He flipped the wallet open, then smiled and showed Dean.

"'You shall declare a thing and it shall be established unto you'," he said slowly with a smile. 

There on the ID card was "Castiel Winchester" in bold capital print. Castiel Novak was no more.

"Sam will be jealous we got to skip the paperwork. Hey. Uh…this is awesome. But it's not our day. It's Sam and Eileen's day, they've been planning for over a year. So we can keep this between us until they get back from the honeymoon and then we can start telling people. If that's okay?"

"Of course it is. _I knew_ we were married already. I thought you knew, but I'm glad to know now that you are officially aware. And so is the state of Kansas, apparently," he said, looking at the marriage license. 

Dean idly wondered if it counted as a forgery if it was done by God.

"What's the date? On the marriage license?" Dean asked. Cas tapped at the spot on the paper. 

"Today, June 9."

"That's a cool trick. It was blank before. Easy to remember. It's our second anniversary today."

"It is, isn't it? I didn't get you anything."

"You got me to realize we were married."

"That's not a gift," Cas said flatly. Then he hesitated. "Is it?"

Dean chuckled. "Not normally. But we're not super normal. I didn’t get you anything either. Don’t worry."

Dean hauled Cas up with him, and Cas flapped his wings to shake off the dirt. 

"C'mon."

Dean dragged him to the car and slid in the back seat, beckoning him along. 

"Shut the door." 

Cas did, and in a second Dean was kissing him, and it was thirsty. Thirsty like how the parched earth soaks up a blessed summer rain. They were making sweet noises, gasping softly into the kiss. Dean was sucking Castiel's tongue lightly as he cupped his face. 

"I wanna do something for you, Cas," Dean rasped, breaking away to look at him. 

"What?"

"I wanna have you in my mouth. Wanna be close to you. I wanna make you so happy. You're supposed to make your husband happy." 

He was laying his best bedroom eyes on the angel. His feelings had been brimming at the surface all day, and this crazy version of a proposal just took it to a new level.

Cas exhaled a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding, or maybe the raw want in the green eyes just stole it from him. He was speechless, but he nodded slowly. 

Dean kissed him again with soft tenderly lapping motions as if he was teasing Cas's mouth. 

"Fuck, sweetheart," the hunter said, voice wrecked already as he slid his hands down Castiel's satin vest, slowly and firmly making his way down.

He shifted until he was cramming himself onto the floorboards and Cas was crushing himself into the corner of the seat and the door, spreading his knees for Dean to sit between them. The angel was framed by his wings looking jammed uncomfortably in the small space. His eyes were hooded and without any effort, he had Dean a complete, lust-drunk mess.

"I love you," Dean said simply. "I want to show you."

"I know you do. I love you too. But...you don't have to-," Cas said as if it was the last thing he wanted to say.

"Want to. _Need_ to." Dean interrupted. Cas stroked his hair and nodded.

Dean unzipped his lover's slacks and wasted no time in pressing his nose up to Cas's dick through his boxers as he closed his eyes, letting his nose trace up the length through the fabric.

"Hard for me," the hunter muttered as though he was speaking a sacred secret near to his heart. "So good, Cas." 

His hot breath through the boxers made Castiel's cock twitch.

"Dean," the angel rumbled rapturously. letting his head fall back.

The hunter pulled Cas's pants further down and tugged the waistband of his underwear out of the way. Dean looked up, watching his lover's face, reveling in the glory of his expression. 

Dean slowly took the length into his mouth with a low hum, sinking down deep, savoring the way Cas stretched his mouth and the heat of him. The hunter hummed as he adjusted, leaving Cas gasping softly. 

Dean grabbed Cas's hand and pulled it up from the seat, setting it on his head. Cas didn't take the hint, so he put the other hand on his head too, gently sucking all the while. 

He caved and used the bond. 

_-Fuck my mouth_.-

"What?" the lust-addled angel groaned.

_-Fuck my mouth. Grab my head and thrust into my mouth.-_

Cas blinked through the haze and softly slid himself deeper into Dean's mouth, pressing on his head at the same time. Dean groaned, eyes fluttering open as he let his tongue play into the suction, rippling it along the underside. 

_-I want to taste my husband's come. I need that. Can you do that for me? Can you come in my mouth, Mr. Winchester?-_

Dean was riling him up quickly on purpose. They couldn't be gone too long. 

Cas must have liked the dirty talk. He started smoothly sliding into Dean's spit-slick mouth, holding Dean's hair tightly, just enough it hurt good and sweet. 

He was making the most delightful, soft, desperate noises. Dean was straining against his own slacks and feeling teased at that barely-there friction. Dean was delighting in this, in pleasing his _husband_ \- every time he so much as thought the word, a thrill ran down his spine - and letting him take control. Dean could feel the hot tension low in his belly ready to snap, heightened by every sound or motion Cas made.

_-Mr. Winchester, harder. Please? I want to taste you.-_

Cas made a depraved sound and did just as Dean had begged him to, thrusting up into his mouth in a rapid rhythm. 

"Yes," Cas was saying as he panted, "My Dean Winchester. So beautiful," he babbled with a mixture of affection and desperation that sounded like the sweetest sin.

Dean was amazed for a time that as Cas desperately thrust into his mouth, he never gagged or choked. It crushed his spirit for only a moment when he realized the only way that was possible at this rate and the punishing depth was if Cas was using grace. 

But he realized it was a good thing. Cas did that because he loved him. _Castiel Winchester, his husband, loved him._ And he wanted to take care of him. That wasn't bad. It wasn't because he was weak or a bad lay. It was just because he was loved. 

Cas was usually more interested in what Dean wanted during sex. He was a very generous and servicing lover, but at this moment, he was taking what Dean invited him to with a precious and unflagging relentlessness. Perhaps he did so because he could tell that's what Dean needed him to do right now. 

Gorgeous sounds were spilling from him, and soon, down Dean's throat, so was his come, in hot, lovely spurts. Dean groaned around it and Cas gripped him tight by the hair again as he swallowed, swallowed everything, all around Cas’s cock until every last twitch and spurt was taken care of. 

They clearly hadn't thought this through because, in the heat of the moment, they forgot the burning celestial light that exploded out from the car, and the gusts of wind in the tiny space felt violent. It was only with his last shred of self-control that Cas kept from blowing out the glass in all the parked cars. He looked around. No one was out there. He sighed with relief and then turned back to Dean.

The hunter let Castiel's softening cock free with a wet pop and an absolutely sinful smile. 

"My husband. My Cas," Dean said, breathless and warm, laying his head on Castiel's thigh. "I love you, Cas. I do, I really love you," he babbled softly, staring up at the angel from his lap. 

"I love you too."

They stayed there a short while, breathing each other in. Dean squirmed a little uncomfortably. "We should get back inside," he sighed, looking sheepish.

"We should. But…," Cas looked down. "You still haven't-,"

"Well, uh," Dean cleared his throat, embarrassed, looking down. "Hell… okay. Uh, I... _did_ , actually," he said in a very small voice, blushing fiercely. "Clean up on aisle four," he tried to laugh, but his face immediately fell. "You - it was really… fuckin' special or whatever and I just got really into it -," he chattered.

But Castiel's fingers gently came to his lips to hush him. "It was, wasn't it? Special. Intimate. Not in a traditional sense, but we aren’t very traditional. You don't need to be ashamed. I'm glad you were feeling the same things I was feeling. That means we're very close, don't you think?" Cas's voice was cool and soothing and full of devotion.

A cool burst of energy flowed through him from the angel's fingers and Dean nodded. 

"So good. You're so good. All cleaned up. Nothing to worry about." He saw the flush in Dean's face and embarrassment remain, which pained him a little.

Cas pulled him up and helped him get out of the car and stretch before bringing him in for a tight embrace. 

"I don't want you to feel bad. How can I help?"

Dean made a disgruntled sound. "Dunno. Already cleaned me up," he mumbled. 

"It… made me very happy to see how pleased you were just to please me. You're normally the very picture of endurance, so seeing you so overcome made me feel very powerful and so loved and needed - so very wanted," Cas whispered, low in his ear.

Dean hesitated. "Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

The shame slowly dried up and quiet contentment took its place. They embraced for a few more moments and decided to go back inside. It was time to focus on family, now, not each other. They had the rest of their lives to celebrate together.

\----------------------------------------------------

Sam and Eileen weren't going to let the moment pass. Sam grabbed Dean hard by the arm the second he came in the door in an ambush, dragging him swiftly back behind Charlie's DJ booth. Eileen, Garth, and Claire cornered Cas and pulled him off in the other direction, all talking to him enthusiastically. Cas seemed a little overwhelmed. 

"Dean! What the hell?" Sam hissed but through a smile. 

"We were just talking!" Dean defended.

Sam sighed and rolled his eyes, not believing that for a second. "No, not the… um, sneaking off. The being fucking married thing! How did you not know he thought that?"

"He didn't tell me! You got the same explanation at the same time I did!" Dean said, wrenching his arm out of his brother's grip.

"Are you fucking for real?"

"Yeah, man! I was pretty fucking surprised!"

"Well, do you think you are? Married? You 'talked' for a while out there. Are you married to Cas?" The younger Winchester demanded with a smile. 

Sam was pretty sure by the state of Dean's hair and crooked bowtie that there had been a pretty passionate agreement at some point during their… _talk_. 

"Uh… yeah. Yeah, I uh… we - yes." Dean was blushing, his face and neck so hot he thought he must be glowing like Rudolph the Red-Nosed goddamn Reindeer, but all over.

"Good! And we're happy for you. We want to celebrate this with you guys. We already decided. Come on. What song do you wanna dance with Cas to?" 

"What?! No. No, Sam, it's your day. We didn't mean to - it was a misunderstanding," Dean said, wriggling.

Sam rolled his eyes. "No, you aren't getting out of this. We already made up our minds. And when Eileen makes up her mind, there's no changing it. So tell Charlie what song you guys wanna have your first dance to," Sam said, scooping Dean into a big hug with a beaming grin.

Dean let the hesitant smile that had been threatening for a while finally bloom. He turned around to glance behind him, Cas still being accosted by their smiling friends - Garth hugging him too tightly, Castiel's arms stiff at his sides. 

"Uh…The Rain Song-," then he stopped. He smiled but groaned reluctantly. "Oh, god Sam. No, not… not that … I know what I need to play."

Sam silently lifted his brows. Dean sighed. 

"You ever… care about someone so much you're willing to do something and you know it's just gonna… embarrass the fuck outta you? Just to see 'em smile?" Dean asked, blushing anew already with a sheepish grin, laughing at himself.

"What…?" Sam said, shaking his head.

“There’s this song he likes - well… I like it too - a lot -, but...oh, fuck it,” Dean sighed again and rolled his eyes with a sappy smile. "I cannot believe I'm about to do this in front of all these people…" Dean walked over and tapped Charlie's shoulder. He leaned down and whispered to her. She laughed and nodded. 

"Okay. I'm gonna do it. Ah, shit." Dean said, laughing in disbelief and then fixing his gaze on Cas. 

"Go get him," Sam encouraged.

Dean walked over to Cas and their friends fell away, making room. Claire had come over. She was still fixing his bowtie. She whispered to him with a smile, patting his shoulder before stepping back to clear the space and let Dean take him.

"Heya Cas," he said softly. "May I have this dance?" He held out his hand hesitantly. 

At that moment, Sam grabbed a mic. Emily stood ready to interpret and with Charlie manning the DJ booth and the monitor, they got everyone's attention.

"Guys - so get this! Most of you know Dean, my brother, and those who don't will remember his speech from earlier - yes, he really did put Nair in my shampoo, and no, I'm not over it," he laughed with a sharp look at Dean. 

"This guy and my new _brother-in-law_ , Castiel, snuck off and had a secret wedding and thought they could keep it under the radar! Said they didn’t want to distract from our special day! Can you believe that?!" He said, gesturing at them. The guests seemed a little shocked but those who knew them had eyes alight with joy.

The room was instantly abuzz. Cas started to protest to his hunter that it wasn’t exactly what happened, but Dean whispered that it was probably the simplest way to explain it to some of the guests.

“If anyone... normal - outside the life - asks, we were married by Elvis in Reno three days ago, okay?”

“Is that really more believable?”

“Than God being a toddler that looks like a twenty-five-year-old and the Queen of Hell officiating people's weddings? Yeah, Cas. A little bit.”

“Oh,” Cas said, nodding in apparent satisfaction at the answer.

"We'll explain to the hunter folks later."

Sam continued his speech, Emily enthusiastically signing his message alongside. Dean felt bad, they should be paying her - but she adored Eileen and Sam and had insisted that it was the only suitable wedding gift. She was really good, too - she was a very interactive, emotive signer. Even though Dean didn’t catch every sign, he was still interested in how much personality she put into it - not her own, but she had a way that he couldn’t quite describe of putting all the emphasis on things just the way the speaker did. It was cool to watch, and it was nice to know that the Deaf and Hard of Hearing guests weren’t missing out on any part of their messages throughout the day.

"Anyway, Eileen and I decided they deserved a first dance too. Dean picked a special song for Cas. And every time you whip those napkins for us to kiss, they have to kiss too. Anyway, please clear the floor for the happy new grooms!” Sam announced with a laugh. 

Dean was blushing fiercely, but with his eyes on Cas, he couldn't help but just smile through it, still holding Cas's hand.

Of course, the guests immediately whipped the napkins in the air. Dean placed a performative, goofy, sloppy kiss on Cas, who seemed a little surprised but pleased enough. The hunter was pretty sure that he would be blushing if he weren’t an angel. His wings were puffed up and all the feathers seemed to lift and prickle. It was the same reaction when Cas was interested, aroused, competitive, proud, or upset, but Dean always knew the difference because of how high or low Cas held his wings. It was one of those things Dean had just learned over time. The realization that he knew Cas so well now made him smile even brighter.

“I’m not gonna lie and tell you I know what I’m doing. I’ve never danced, well, like _this_ with anyone before," Dean laughed, thinking of the few times he'd been forced to square dance in gym class as a kid and the dirty grinds he'd had off and on through the years at bars. He laughed and shook it off. 

"You know, I always thought I could be a good dancer if I wanted to be. I just… I never had the right partner before,” Dean admitted with a wistful smile. 

“I’m sure it will be wonderful, Dean. I have a feeling you're a better dancer than you imagine.” 

Cas seemed content and confident. Dean was overjoyed but still felt his heart beating so violently in his chest he idly thought it might bruise his ribs. at least it was from joy this time and not from fear.

The hunter took his angel’s hand and placed it on his forearm, leading him out to the center of the floor. He was already blushing. 

_He better fucking like this song_ , Dean thought. _I hope this is the right one._

Cas seemed to be a bit awkward for a moment, but after a second looking into Dean’s eyes, he relaxed and assumed a normal leading stance, holding his hand and placing Dean’s on his waist. The hunter wanted to protest, but curiosity got to him.

“Cas? You know how to dance?” Dean said, looking up with realization, his eyes drifting from the stance Cas had taken to the hands he had confidently placed on the hunter.

Cas’s wings prickled and ruffled anew. “Ah, yes. Eileen taught me. When you and Sam went fishing. She mentioned dancing at the wedding and I said I didn’t know how. She spent the afternoon coaching me. We practiced several other times as well. She wanted to practice for Sam.”

“Eileen! She’s a troublemaker,” Dean huffed in soft laughter. He had noticed that she had rhythm when he watched her dance with Sam as long as she had the vibrations.

“It didn’t seem like trouble,” Cas countered.

As the music started, he pulled Dean a little closer and began slow swaying, gently stepping and Dean found it surprisingly easy to follow him as the motions came naturally. He had imagined that he would lead, but Cas took charge in that easy reassuring way that made Dean melt every time, and when he gave in to that, when he just followed Cas’s lead and stopped worrying about the “right” way to dance, their motions easily flowed. It took only seconds for them to find that rhythm and balance together.

It was a simple waltz box step - nothing fancy. But their breath seemed to chase closely to each other and they were chest to chest, in each other’s space and even though they were in a room full of people with their eyes on them, it felt like they were 

Cas immediately recognized the song. “I… didn’t know you knew this music.”

_I'm like the water when your ship rolled in that night_

_Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife_

“I didn’t - not really. I was at the grocery store last week and I was humming it. I didn’t know why at first, but I realized that it was playing. And I thought, 'I’ve never heard this song before,’ but I had. Took me a while to connect all the dots. I had been picking it out on my guitar for a while, it felt familiar. Didn't know it had words. I didn’t realize what it was until I was having a bad dream a couple nights ago and I heard it. I finally realized it was you,” Dean said, breathing in the stormy smell of Cas.

“Yes. I hum this song to you when you have nightmares,” the angel confirmed. “I didn’t know you knew.”

“I listened to it on repeat all the way home and I…,” he leaned closer and whispered, "I really like it.”

_Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, oh_

_Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in_

_As if you were a mythical thing_

“I heard it and it seemed so loving and made me think of you. It was slow and soothing and seemed to calm you down.”

“It works. Don’t stop doing it, Cas.”

“I’ll hum You Need to Calm Down next time,” Cas said, looking at Dean with a solemn gaze.

Dean groaned. “No, keep humming Willow. Please. I like it.”

“I was joking, Dean.”

“Oh. Good.”

They continued their dance, Cas had added a little more complicated motion, some gentle turns, smoothly guiding Dean through it, smoothly leading the way, and swaying along. He didn’t twirl the hunter or anything like that, which Dean was thankful for even though he probably would have done it. There wasn’t a lot he wouldn’t do for Cas, and even if the angel did twirl him, he was already sabotaging his brother’s wedding day to have their own first dance to Taylor Swift in front of most of the people they knew. A little twirl probably wouldn’t hurt his pride...

_Actually, that sounds kinda fun_ , he thought. _Fuck it._

“Cas, do you know how to twirl me?”

“No. I didn’t practice that.”

“Let me twirl you, then you can do it,” Dean said, then suddenly realized he wasn’t sure he knew how either. He hadn't danced much in his life, and when he had - well, it wasn't exactly this dignified. But he was feeling the energy of the night, the carefree electricity, and he had the confidence to try it. They switched positions so Dean was leading, and it was smooth, fluid as if they danced all the time. 

It made Dean laugh that switching came easy to them when the time was right. Of course it did. 

Dean just went for it, and even though neither of them knew what they were doing, it shockingly wasn’t a flop - he twirled the angel and it was simple and it was good. They were both giggling. Switching their hands back so Cas was leading again went just as smooth and the angel twirled him like a pro. The song was so loud that it took a moment for Dean to register that the guests were clapping and whooping and waving their napkins in cheer.

_You know that my train could take you home_

_Anywhere else is hollow_

_Begging for you to take my hand_

_Wreck my plans_

_That's my man_

The song wasn’t Dean’s usual style, but Cas was smiling. That was all that mattered. The embarrassment of dancing and twirling to Taylor Swift with his - holy shit - _husband_ had faded. They were just having fun. And Dean realized he was just as hopelessly twitterpated now as he had been when he could only text Cas a single heart.

_I love you, Dean Winchester,_ Cas said through their bond. 

_-I love you, too. So fuckin’ much. Castiel Winchester. I love that name on you.-_

A warm surge of love shot through the bond, waving through them and blanketing them both with contentment and security, and neither was sure who it came from first. 

They danced and the motions flowed just like water. They continued switching who lead seamlessly back and forth throughout. They spun and turned and swayed and stepped in time, Cas humming along softly with the song. Dean couldn’t hear it over the volume of the music, but he could feel the soft vibration against his chest of Cas’s humming, soft and reassuring. 

The music came to an end. The guests surged up and cheered, whipping their napkins in huge dramatic circles, some chanting, “Kiss! Kiss!”

Cas was less unsure than when they started their dance, and he smoothly turned his leading dance posture into a dip, holding Dean with angelic strength and composure. Dean was giggling, so intoxicated by the stupid sweetness and tenderness of it all, all the damn colored lights Charlie had put on them, all the cheering guests, he couldn’t help but chuckle into the sweet, soft, too intimate, too lingering kiss that Cas gently planted on him.

“Didn’t learn _that_ from the pizza man,” Dean mumbled softly, straightening his jacket and vest after Cas brought him upright. 

“No. I learned that from you at Christmas and from watching old silent films.”

“What? So I’m some flapper girl?” Dean asked, mock offended. He had kind of gotten past the point of worrying in any genuine way about that sort of thing. 

Cas grasped him tightly and whispered low in his ear. “Only if you’d like to be.”

Dean wasn’t sure what to make of that so he just awkwardly giggled. “I don’t think so, Cas.”

Cas shrugged. “Too bad,” he said, arching a brow with a confident smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. Dean looked away, blushing again.

________________________________________

They danced with the party guests and laughed and talked all night. The guests wanted the couples to kiss very often, they found. Dean concocted a wild story about their alleged marriage in Reno. Jack just gave them a wink.

Sam and Eileen did a dollar dance where the guests line up to give a little cash to the bride and groom and dance with them individually, usually being very silly. Dean lined up to dance with both of them. Suffice it to say he was much more polite with Eileen than Sam. Sam tried to throw away some of the disposable cameras the guests had used after that, but Cas quietly graced them away to a secure location at Dean’s instruction.

“Blackmail, little brother,” Dean said.

“I’m gonna get you back for that.”

“Sure you are.”

When Eileen threw the bouquet, Rowena caught it. She disclosed to Dean that she had no one in mind.

“I don’t need this little bouquet. I’m just pleased that no one else got it,” she said with a self-satisfied smirk and cheerful shrug.

“That’s… well, it makes sense. You’re the Queen after all.” Dean said, rolling his eyes.

Sam threw the garter, and he missed the crowd of guys lined up for it so badly it landed on Cas’s arm as he was talking with Bobby.

“I think you should try again, Sam. I’m already taken and… I have no use for Eileen’s garter. It wouldn’t fit on Dean’s leg.”

“Oh _wow_. Uh, thanks Cas. I’ll do that,” Sam said, looking scarred for life. 

On the second attempt, Charlie caught it. She gave Stevie a very alluring look and twirled it around her finger with a wink. 

Dean was a little surprised - she didn’t seem like that marrying type. Then again - he didn’t think he was either, but he couldn't be happier.

They partied on, well past midnight. Bobby and Garth had bombed Sam’s car with shaving cream and condoms (Dean hoped this was well after he and Cas had snuck off to their car) which Sam rolled his eyes at, but Eileen just giggled and shot one of the condoms at him like a rubber band.

“Gross,” Dean said quietly. Cas just looked at him silently.

“What?”

“I think it’s admirable that they’re being cautious if they aren’t ready for parenthood.”

Dean exhaled sharply. “You don’t need to talk like that, I am _not_ ready to be an uncle.”

Cas just silently nodded. “I understand, but It’s not really up to you.”

Dean just groaned, shaking his head and walking away. He secretly liked the idea of being an uncle. He smiled as he walked back inside. It wasn't so long ago that he wouldn't have been able to imagine the kind of life for him or Sammy where they could be married and entertain the idea of Sam and Eileen having kids. All the hunts were small and sparse now. Things were simple. Sam was no longer the boy with the demon blood. He was a part-time hunter, part-time interpreter. He had a life and a goal. He was a leader for all of the hunter network. Most importantly, he was in love with someone who made him want to do better for himself and made him see his own value. Dean was so happy to be there to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that was Saileen heavy in the start, but hopefully you guys love their softness and Eileen's spunky attitude as much as I do. I just she her as this awesome, powerful, fun-loving sassy hunter lady. What's not to love? Man, if Sam hadn't taken her, I would!
> 
> Plus, I think it was a meaningful day for Dean outside of his relationship with Cas, too. Also, the BJ in the car was a little gratuitous, I know - I'm sorry to do something so cheesy, but I like the idea of the (unconventional) bridesmaid/best man hook-up trope. I can be cheesy like that. XD
> 
> The (probable) ACTUAL FINAL chapter is much heavier on just Dean and Cas. But I hated Eileen's erasure and wanted to give her the wedding she deserved. Sam too! 
> 
> Sorry about lying about the number of chapters. It was definitely not my intention, but it got really long and out of hand!
> 
> And please, don't fret about this being the end (or near to it)! I have some one-shots within this series planned:
> 
> -Dean & Cas at Pride  
> -Sam's Bachelor Party  
> -Dean Serenades Cas  
> -Cas's Birthday  
> \- & more!
> 
> And some others planned outside the series as well - I have a thing for first kisses and only-one-bed tropes. I'm not done with theese two beautiful idjits, we're just nearing the end of this part of the arc. <3


End file.
